tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-259955682024-02-20T10:35:15.639-08:00Jamie's WorldJamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.comBlogger146125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-4901024670235010892010-12-18T22:58:00.000-08:002010-12-18T23:11:45.089-08:00FamilyI had planned on working today. I was going to be strong and get through the day by myself. I was not going to rely on anybody.<br /><br />Then reality smacked me in the face.<br /><br />I went to work for a couple of hours. But I couldn't concentrate. I went shopping. But I wasn't making wise choices. And then I thought that I should go to my sister-in-law's house.<br /><br />I almost chickened out. As I turned onto her street I was thinking about how long it had been since I had last talked to them. And I was thinking about the awkwardness there would be if they asked why I didn't come around more often. But I stopped the car.<br /><br />My sister-in-law, Terry, met me in the yard with a huge hug. She was so happy to see me. And my sister-in law, JoAnne, was in town for one night to see the family. And that's why my brother-in-law, Steven, had stopped by. And of course there were all the requisite nieces and nephews there.<br /><br />When I walked in my mother-in-law started to get up to greet me. We told her to stay where she was and I would come to her. (She's in her 80s and not too stable on her feet.) It took her about 15 minutes to let go of my hand. She was so thrilled to see me. Sometimes I forget that I'm now her only link to her baby boy.<br /><br />Being with Donny's family was just what I needed today. I hadn't realized just how much it hurt me that they hadn't tried to reach out to me since his death. But I realized today that they want to, they just don't know how. <br /><br />I wasn't in this family for very long when we lost the one who linked us together. We never got a chance to really solidify our relationship before he was gone. And because of Donny's alcoholism there had always been a strain when we were around.<br /><br />But today went beautifully. And if I keep going around, keep reaching out, things will improve. I realized today that they weren't sure if I wanted to be in their life anymore. That saddens me, because I love them a lot. How could I not? They're my family.<br /><br />I'm so glad I stopped.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-11951640155063972862010-12-18T08:04:00.000-08:002010-12-18T08:29:43.317-08:00Two yearsTwo years ago today my life turned upside down. I knew it was coming. I thought I was ready. And then reality smacked me upside the head.<br /><br />I miss Donny as much now as I did then. I thought that time was supposed to heal that.<br /><br />I read a quote somewhere about you don't know the depths of your love for someone until they're gone. It's true. I never realized just how much I loved him until I was without him. <br /><br />How could I not have known that it would be like this? How could I have doubted the depth of what we had? Would I have done what I did for Donny for somebody that I wasn't head over heels for? Do any of these questions matter now?<br /><br />I still regret the arguments. The time we lost being angry with one-another. The rational part of my brain knows that those are part of life, and that they needed to happen in some fashion so that we dealt with problems rather than letting them fester. But my heart just sees missed opportunities to be together.<br /><br />But more than that, I regret the time I spent doing other stuff. How many evenings was I on the computer while he sat in his chair and watched TV. How hard would it have been to go sit by him? Hold his hand, let him know I was there, be with him. I don't get to do that now, and I miss it.<br /><br />I miss coming home and telling him all about my day. I miss eating dinner with him. I miss having him wrap his arms around me and feeling like everything will be okay. I miss how he had to be touching me to go to sleep. I miss his teasing.<br /><br />So badly I want him back. And that's not fair. He was in so much pain. His body was done living long before he let it die. I really think that at the end the only thing keeping him alive was his willpower and his desire to not leave me alone. But eventually his body couldn't keep going, no matter how much Donny wanted it to. To bring him back wouldn't be fair. He's not in pain anymore. <br /><br />Right after Donny died one of his sisters had a dream where she saw Donny walking toward a baseball field. (That was his sport. He loved baseball and was a very good pitcher in his youth.) In her dream the closer Donny got to the field, the healthier he got, so that by the time he got there he was young and healthy again. Wearing denim shorts and a t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off. His favorite outfit. I love the image of him getting to play his favorite game as much as he wants. But more than that, I love the idea of him being healthy again, no longer in pain.<br /><br />I try to be strong, I try to keep going. some days are easier than others. I know that Donny wanted me to keep going, to move on. I know this because he told me so. Before he died he used to talk about what he wanted me to do after he was gone. He told me I could take 2 weeks off, but then I had to "get up and put my feet on the floor." That was how he used to refer to the days when you simply kept putting one foot in front of the other just so that you don't lose ground. He actually tried to get me to promise to remarry. I pointed out that I couldn't guarantee that I would find love again. So we settled on me promising to not shut myself off to it.<br /><br />And that's why I keep going. Because to do any less would be a disappointment to the man who still holds my heart.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-56196169947140554152010-12-09T23:25:00.001-08:002010-12-09T23:47:01.427-08:00ChoicesSO for the last few days I've had an ear infection building. I knew something was wrong on Monday, but I didn't do anything about it. I have no insurance, so going to the doctor is a rather spendy option for me. It was suggested that I go to the ER, since they can't turn me away. But then I'm clogging up the ER with non-emergency stuff, and I wind up with a huge bill. <br /><br />My method of dealing with it was to have my mom clean my ear out with peroxide a couple times a day and hope I could "boil" the infection out. And each day we would chronicle how much worse my ear was. Today I couldn't take it anymore. I woke up and my ear canal was swollen shut, and that's enough to drive anybody nuts. <br /><br />Fortunately for me, there's a clinic a few blocks down the street that charges on a sliding scale, so I called and got in with them. When I told the doctor that my ear canal was swollen shut you could tell that she wasn't taking me literally. But when she went to check it, before she even put that little light up to it, she took one look and said "That's closed!"<br /><br />Apparently my good ear is developing an ear infection and my bad ear is really bad. The doc put a wick in my ear and prescribed antibiotic ear drops along with oral antibiotics. I have to go back on Monday. <br /><br />She also asked me a bunch of the standard medical history questions. When she asked about diabetes I told her that I was checked a few years ago. I mentioned that since I have PCOS my doctor had been very careful about that when I still had insurance. She then said something that I've never heard before. She said that with PCOS I have an 80% chance of developing diabetes. I don't like those odds. I need to start doing something about them.<br /><br />I think it's time for me to get serious about dealing with my weight issue. I quit using tobacco about a month ago, now it's time to take the next step in dealing with my health. I need to do some research to figure out what's going to work best for me, but I've gotta do it. I'm hoping that by admitting it in such a public forum it'll help me stick with the idea. Now there's some level of accountability. If in no other way, then because I've promised myself that I'll be honest on here.<br /><br />As I mentioned already, about a month ago I quit using tobacco. I did not make a conscious decision to quit smoking. A while back I saw some electronic cigarettes and I wanted to switch to them, because in the long run it's cheaper. But the initial outlay was beyond my means. Well, somebody was looking to unload their electronic cigarette, and now I have one. And it is cheaper. But now I have people wanting to know when I'm going to give that up too. I hadn't planned on it. I realize that nicotine can't be all that good for me, but I've cut out all the other bad things from smoking. And there's no second hand smoke. So I'm not hurting anyone else. Can't I just have this one vice? Please?<br /><br /><br />Well, I think that I've delved far enough into the poor choices that I make for one evening. At least I'm doing something about them now, though, right?Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-51077696112210676522010-12-08T19:30:00.000-08:002010-12-08T21:00:27.352-08:00LifeI've been gone from blogging for a long time. Basically, it's been about 2 years now. I've checked in a couple of times with updates, but haven't really written anything. I want to change that. I want to get back to letting my thoughts and feelings out.<br /><br />It's been almost 2 years since Donny died. I miss him all the time still. I really thought that it would get better with time, but I guess I was wrong. I didn't really understand how deeply I loved him until he was gone. We had our good times and our bad times, but I'm choosing to remember the good.<br /><br />I get to see the grandkids about once a year. I'm friends with both the girls on facebook and we keep up with each-other that way. I love them all and I'm so happy that they have allowed me to keep my role in their family, even though their dad's gone now.<br /><br />My sister's kids are still living with me. I enjoy having them here, even if they do supremely frustrate me at times. I've learned a lot about them, and about kids in general. The biggest lesson that I've learned though is to back off and let everybody else deal with it. I've had too many people tell me too many times how awful I am for how I handle things with the kids, so now I just let everybody else deal with them unless I am specifically asked to do it.<br /><br />My sister and her boyfriend lived with us for a while. It didn't go well and it ended with her boyfriend getting kicked out. At that point my parents said that any adults who wanted to keep living in their home would have to submit to random drug testing. My sister got on her high horse about where her boyfriend's not welcome, she's not welcome and she went to be homeless with the guy. We all know though that it was actually a case of she couldn't pass the drug test and she knew it. Now she likes to bitch and moan about how she was kicked out and isn't good enough to sleep in our backyard like a dog. (they were living in a tent in the backyard before, since there was absolutely no room in the house.)<br /><br />My sister also announced her pregnancy over Thanksgiving weekend. After all the years that I prayed that Donny and I could have a baby, she gets pregnant when she's trying not to. And she can't even take care of the ones that she has now! I know that I sound like a jealous, whining little sister, and maybe that's what I am, but I'm really having problems here. <br /><br />And to top it all off, since my sister announced her pregnancy, my mom's really been babying her. She's at our house all the time now. And when she's here she complains constantly about the RV that her and her boyfriend live in. Apparently it's too cold and has a leak over their bed. When it rains their bed gets all wet. I'm just waiting for when my mom announces that for the good of my sister and the baby she'll be moving in. <br /><br />If my sister moves in she's going to bring her boyfriend to live with her. That's when I'll have some major decisions to make. Any time that they come over and it's not their regular Sunday visit I have a panic attack. And when they stayed here for a week I was having nightmares and problems sleeping. I have a really hard time with it, but I have to play nice. For that sake of family peace and harmony I have to pretend like everything's great and wonderful, but it's not.<br /><br />I started dating again, but I now qualify for the Jerry Springer show. I'm dating my sister's ex-husband, and the father of the children that live with me. Early in their marriage Mike and I realized that we were interested in each-other, but we couldn't do anything about it since he was married to my sister. Over the years we've had as little to do with each-other as possible to make things easier.<br /><br />Mike moved back to this area to be near his kids. I ended up spending quite a bit of time with him and we discovered that we were both still interested. We decided to see where things would go. So far it's been mostly good. I can't say that I've found forever, but I'm also not ending things right now. One thing that I've learned is to slow down and enjoy the moment that I'm in right now.<br /><br />Work is revving up again for me. This tax season I'll be working 2 jobs, but after April 15 I'll be back down to one. I still absolutely love doing taxes, and I'm good at it. I'm so glad my friend talked me into doing the class a few years ago.<br /><br />I guess this post ended up being just another update on my life, but I find those interesting to read a few years later. And maybe I'll be able to be more honest about my feelings when the room isn't full of kids. Now it's time to get them off to bed.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-22335762641550728702009-09-02T23:22:00.000-07:002009-09-02T23:40:40.811-07:00LifeI want him back! I don't care how unfair it is, I want him back!<br /><br />Today would have been Donny's 52nd birthday. That's really young to be dead. I can't even say how much I miss him. Sometimes it's an actual physical ache in my chest. I thought that I was ready for this, I thought that I had prepared myself. I've never been more wrong in all my life.<br /><br />I've been avoiding writing, mostly because I've been avoiding myself. I have 4 part-time jobs, 3 kids and a sick mom, and sometimes I feel like I'm not busy enough. If I fill my days with busyness then I don't have to face the emptiness. I miss him so much.<br /><br />The kids are well. We have our ups and our downs. Last week the youngest one broke his arm. He was such a trooper about it too. He didn't cry when he broke it. His eyes got a little wet, but he didn't cry when he had to twist his arm into a weird position for the x-ray. He didn't cry when he had to sit in the waiting room for a couple of hours, with no pain medicine, waiting his turn. He didn't cry when they splinted it. In fact, the only time he did cry was when a baby in obvious distress came into the waiting room. What a softy.<br /><br />My mom's in the hospital again. They now think that the reason that she keeps passing out is something to do with her adrenal gland. I guess I know what I need to be googling. The doctor said that she might get to come home on Friday. I sure hope so, I miss her.<br /><br />That's all the news in my life. I feel a little bit better, having let off some steam, but I sure didn't wait long to focus my attention elsewhere did I? Oh well, it's a start.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-81765849157353163462009-05-10T23:47:00.000-07:002009-05-11T00:24:23.103-07:00UpdateI just looked at my blog and realized how long it's been since I've written. So much has happened, and much of it is crap that I don't even want to think about.<br /><br />I'll start off by saying that I've been kept on to work the off-season for block. Year round taxes, yeah.<br /><br />Three weeks ago I came home from work to find that my sister and her fiancee had pitched at tent in the backyard, and were apparently going to be living with us. I was told that it was a one weeek trial. The idea was that at the end of the week my parents, my grandmother, and myself would discuss things, and if it wasn't working out that they would be asked to leave. That has yet to happen. Instead they seem to plan on being here until they find jobs and are able to get a place of their own, or at least that's my sister's plan.<br /><br />Last Tuesday my mom told me that they'd be here for 2 more weeks. At that time her friend is supposed to giver her his tax refund to repay her for something. My mom said that my sister would be leaving when that money came through. The next day my sister was talking to me and casually mentioned how much of that money she would be asking my parents to hold on to for her to have money to move with when steady jobs are secured. She said that way mom and dad would know that she really is serious about leaving once they have jobs.<br /><br />Of course, if they're going to move when they have jobs then they need to be serious about looking for work. But my sister believes that she can't get serious about finding a job until her fiancee finds a job, because it would hurt his feelings if she found work before him. And as for the fiancee, he seems to have given up on finding a job. He's mad that everybody is looking for somebody who's bilingual. He also doesn't appear to have any marketable job skills, but that may be just my view of things.<br /><br />What makes all of this so bad though is the fact that I can't stand her fiancee. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him so that I don't hurt his feeling on accident. And it doesn't take much. A good example would be today. I was really missing Donny. Mother's Day is hard for me, and he was always my rock during days like this. Mike could see that I was not doing well, and asked me what was wrong, to which I answered nothing. He got his feelings hurt that I didn't want to share with him what was going on. And today wasn't a one-off kind of thing, he gets his feelings hurt about everything. If we're not treating him like the king and telling him that he's wonderful, his feelings get hurt. And I'm tired of tiptoeing around him.<br /><br />Although, it's not just Mike that I'm having a problem with. I don't like living with my sister. I love her dearly, but I can't handle living with her. A lot of the problem is me, I get that, but I still don't like living with her. The last time that we lived together as adults she steamrolled over me and took over my living space, because she didn't have enough room. (She had more room than me, but that didn't matter to her.) Infact, in most areas of our lives she steamrolled me. She's always been like that. Now I feel as if I have to constantly be on guard to keep it from happening again. I have to hold my boundaries very firm, never giving an inch, and constantly guarding them to keep them in place. That's because she's always been the type that if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile.<br /><br />This has been really hard on me emotionally. These last three weeks have felt more like three months. I'm starting to fall apart at the seams. I have to solve this problem before I completely fall apart. I've thought a lot about this and the only solution that I can think of is to move. So I've started quietly looking for a job that pays enough to support myself. I know myself well enough to know that I would not do well with a roommate, so I'll have to earn enough to pay all the bills myself. I don't want to leave the home that I shared with Donny. My heart literally, physically, aches every time I think about it, but this may be my only solution.<br /><br />Getting a job and getting the money to move on may take a while. And maybe in that time things will resolve themselves where my sister is concerned, but I can't sit back and wait for that to happen anymore. I have to be doing something to resolve this, and I can't find any other options.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-29802554795939615912009-05-10T23:39:00.000-07:002009-05-10T23:46:36.104-07:00Mother's DayI survived another Mother's Day. Barely.<br /><br />Today was a very hard day for me. A day where I get constant reminders about the fact that I'll never be a mom.<br /><br />Last year on Mother's Day Donny held me and let me cry. He talked about the fact that we were still hoping and trying to conceive. He called his daughter and asked her to talk to me and try to make me feel better. He was there for me, and he helped me find that little, tiny ember of hope. <br /><br />This year he wasn't there, and that ember is gone.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-74387668492599992192009-04-01T22:40:00.000-07:002009-04-01T23:29:10.340-07:00OMGI want to know who fed me stupid pills and where I can get the antidote.<br /><br />Seriously, what the hell was I thinking in taking on 3 kids with so much emotional baggage? I can't catch my breath between problems.<br /><br />In all honesty, the kids are great, and I love having them here. I'm enthusiastically greeted when I get home from work and I never lack for somebody to cuddle with. Noah, the 17 year old, has always been my boy, and still is. He's the one that you're most likely to find cuddled up on the couch with me. Kaylee, the 13 year old, has always been my princess, and knows it. She's the one you'll find giving me an angelic smile while she tries to convince me to give her special privileges. And then there's Micah, the 11 year old. He's the baby and has always been treated as such. He's the one that's likely to be in his room pouting about something. I seem to be very good at pissing the child off.<br /><br />The kids have been her for 3 weeks now and I had really hoped to be settled in to a routine by now. The only routine that we have is going to the ER.<br /><br />The day after the kids got here Kaylee's ears started hurting. By that evening she was sitting there, hands over her ears, moaning. She hurt so bad that she couldn't even cry. Because my sister, in all her infinite wisdom, failed to send us permission to get medical treatment, the ER was the only place willing to touch the child. So we spent many hours in the ER so that they could tell us that there was fluid behind both eardrums and in one ear it had gotten infected. After Kaylee had been triaged and we'd been sent back to the waiting room the doc in triage came out and started wandering around the ER. He finally came and let me know that he had ordered some numbing eardrops from the pharmacy, but that since that would take a while he was looking to see if anybody had some statshed somewhere on the unit. Eventually a nurse practitioner pulled Kaylee into the second triage room and examined her in there. We were given some prescritions and sent home. <br /><br />The following day I developed a severe cold. After having to ask my parents to come rescue me at work because I was too dizzy to drive I broke down and went to the doctor. I spent $140 to be told that I was right, it was just a severe cold. I was dizzy because the tubes in my ears weren't draining right. I was then told to stay home for a week. And definitely no doing taxes until my head cleared. So my family took my car keys away and made me stay home.<br /><br />It was probably a couple of days after I had been to the doctor that we made our second trip to ER. We had just put kids to bed and things were settling down for the night. Kaylee sat bolt upright in bed, grabbed her stomach and started sobbing because of the pain. She said that she was having severe pain in her lower right abdomen. Since my mom and I couldn't remember where the appendix is we decided to let a doctor tell us that she was fine. And that's exactly what happened. The doctor we saw that night thought that the pain was caused by constipation, brought on by the tylenol3 that she had been given for the earache. So she sent us home with a prescription for laxatives and a list of high fiber foods.<br /><br />A few days later Kaylee was having no problems having a bowel movement, but the pain persisted. By this time we had noticed that it moved around some, but tended to be somewhere in the middle of her abdomen or on the right side. Whether it was high or low in the abdomen changed all the time. The pain is real, but we couldn't figure out a cause. It got so bad that we ended up taking her back to ER. They ran some more tests, but still couldnn't find anything. The only progress that we made was ruling stuff out. But my sister finally sent consent for medical treatment.<br /><br />So we took Kaylee for a follow-up visit at a clinic here in town. The doctor still isn't positive what it is, but she at least believes us that Kaylee really is in pain. My mom and I think that it's stressed induced, and the doctor said that that's a very real possibility. They're doinf an ultrasound looking for ovarian cysts, but at this point it's a matter of ruling out everything else before diagnosing her with stress.<br /><br />This last Sunday I was sitting in the garage visiting with Noah and he was playing around in my mom's wheelchair that we were storing in there. I'm not sure how it happened, but the wheelchair tipped over backwards. I couldn't get a response out of him for a couple minutes, and then he just groaned. I finally got him to tell me he was dizzy, but he still wouldn't roll over or open his eyes. It took a little bit, but we finally got him with it enough to get up in a chair. I used the wheelchair and got him out to the car, and then it was off to the hospital. They did a CT sccan of his head, and there was no major internal trauma. He was diagnosed with a concussion and sent home. From that trip I learned that you don't have to keep somebody awake after a head injury anymore.<br /><br />On Tuesday Noah got up, tried to get ready for school, but just couldn't make it. My mom called and talked to the school nurse about what was going on, and was advised that he should see a doctor. The doctor examined him that afternoon and sent him back to ER. She thought that another CT scan needed to be done of his head, since he was getting worse. So as they're trying to explain everything in triage the nurse asked Noah how he got a concussion. When Noah told him the response he got was, "OH! I heard about you!" The guy hadn't even been working on Sunday. We ran into the same scene with the tech who took him for his CT scan. This time it was decided that he has post concussive syndrome and it'll take about 6 weeks for him to get better.<br /><br />So tonight Noah was asleep when I went in to call him for dinner. I got him awake enough to know that it was dinner time and then I left the room. He came out a little while later and apologized to my mom for denting the speaker on her CD player. He hit it with his head when he fell out of bed. <br /><br />I put his mattress on the floor and told him that he's to stay at floor level, it's safer that way.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-22979552287617079732009-03-08T17:31:00.000-07:002009-03-08T17:50:16.022-07:00ChiliYesterday my parent's church had their annual chili cookoff fundraiser. Last year there had been about 5 or 6 entries and about 30 people had shown up for the chili dinner afterward. I won second place in the category of hottest and first place in the category of best tasting last year. I had a blast doing it too.<br /><br />This year I decided to enter again, and I was discussing it with my mom. She pointed out that she'd be babysitting "Michael" that day. Since he enjoys cooking with me mom pointed out that I'd probably end up with help. Then my mom said that she thought it'd be cute for Michael to enter the cookoff. I loved the idea and ran with it. <br /><br />I realized that if I helped with Michael's chili too much then it would taste too much like mine, so I had to figure out what to do. I sent my dad to the store to buy what he thought should go in a pot of chili. I got some stuff from my mom that she bought when she had been considering entering in the cookoff herself. And then I raided the cupboard for stuff that I thought might go in chili.<br /><br />Thursday night I put some beans on to soak for the 2 pots of chili. Friday I cooked them off and put my chili together, since it needs to cook for a full day before it's done. I set Michael's beans aside for him.<br /><br />On Saturday morning I set out everything that we had for Michael's chili, and then I put the boy to work. My dad had bought one of those big, horseshoe shaped sausages to use for this, so I gave it to Michael to cut up. He can only use a butter knife for now (I really need to go get a safety knife), but he's getting pretty good at it. I then sat Michael on the counter next to the stove and let him start putting stuff in his chili. He's getting pretty good at helping open cans, and his stirring skills are greatly improved.<br /><br />When all was said and done Michael had a decent looking pot of chili. We took his and mine to the church and dropped them off for judging while we went shopping. We went back to the church for the dinner. When it came time for the awards I got some funny looks as to why I was dragging a 3 year old up for them, but it was worth it. Michael got third place in the category of best tasting. It was so much fun.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-82531651547821038992009-03-02T23:30:00.001-08:002009-03-02T23:59:14.361-08:00ChangesOkay, everything just got crazy here. We'll start with a little background.<br /><br />I have one sister, she's older than me. She llives in Arkansas, and we haven't been able to see each other since my wedding. We keep in touch, but not a lot of contact. We've always been close, but she tends to fill her life with drama, and I just haven't been able to deal with it. There's no huge disagreement, just I don't need the run down on who's sleeping with who, or which boyfriend (since she kicked her husband out to move a boyfriend in to help pay the bills) is currently in residence. <br /><br />I've known that my sister was facing a lot of hard times, but I haven't really realized just how bad they were. She has 3 kids and has been working her ass off trying to provide for them, but nothings really coming together for her. The kids are 17, 13, and 11 and they happen to be the closest I come to having kids of my own. I love them more than I could ever say. They've turned out fairly well so far, especially considering the home environment that they come from.<br /><br />A few days ago the cops showed up at my sister's house because they'd had a report that my niece (the 13 year old) was being molested by one of the people that she babysits for. They needed to take her to the station to question her about this, and my sister went along. Why, I don't know, but my sister was tested for drugs while she was there. And she failed. She tested positive for marijuana and meth. She swears up and down that she only uses occasionally and my mom belives her. The only thing that I know for sure is that she's willingly taking part in a drug rehab program.<br /><br />Apparently one of the boyfriends that my sister had living with her for a while is a known drug dealer that the cops have been hot to get for a while now. So they're trying to get my sister to give up her dealer(s). They told her to tell them everything she knows. She asked about what. They said just tell us everything you know or we'll take your kids away. Now, my sister has no problem giving up everybody if it will help her kids out, but she's afraid of causing more trouble for herself. <br /><br />Also, on Sunday my sister was served with an eviction notice. She's been renting a house from my uncle, but there's been a lot of problems. I guess she's been without hot water for more than 6 months now. The eviction notice was her 30 day notice, but the letter that my uncle gave her said that all her stuff needs to be out by the 15th, since that's when he needs to move his stuff in. Also, as of the 15th he's changing the locks and her and the kids can only come and go on his schedule. So basically, she's got less than 2 weeks to find a new place and move.<br /><br />The eviction notice, on top of everything else that's going on, is the final nail in her coffin. She's sure that she's going to lose the kids. So that's where I come in. A couple of hours ago I bought three one way tickets out here. The kids will be here next week on Wednesday. A final decision hasn't been reached, but it's looking like the kids will be signed over to me. I'm becoming a mom. Or something like that.<br /><br />I live with my parents and my grandma, so I'll not be alone in caring for these kids. But I already feel a great responsibility for them. I know there's a chance that the responsibility won't be mine after all, but i can't help that I'm already gearing up for it mentally. And i can't stop the tape in the back of my head going, "HOLY CRAP!!!"Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-40760965393493769352009-02-17T23:35:00.000-08:002009-02-17T23:59:48.443-08:00SelfishnessFor just a few minutes I'm going to indulge my selfishness. I keep telliing everybody that I can't wish for Donny to come back because of the pain he was in. But damn it, I want him back! I miss him. And as long as wishes are being granted, I want him healthy. <br /><br />By the time I met Donny he was already at the top of a very slippery slope healthwise. We didn't realize it then, but it was already the beginning of the end for him. <br /><br />Donny was a painter for about 30 years. He loved painting. He loved to look at a house and see not what it already was, but what it could be. Repaints were his favorite. On new construction there usually wasn't much room for imagination, but when dealing directly with the homeowner there were tons of possibilities to be explored. <br /><br />And if you wanted to know about colors, Donny was your man. He had a better eye for color than I did. Plus he could tell you what color would be murder to repaint when you got sick of it. He loved the whole process of painting, and was damn good at it.<br /><br />One day Donny was painting the outside of a house that had that uneven brick finish around the bottom half of the walls. As he came running down a ladder he managed to slam his tailbone into a corner where some bricks were sticking out. It jarred his back and he was hurting so bad that he had to go home. When he was no better the next day he went to see a doctor. It was during the course of treatment for his back that he found out that he had degenerative disk disease in his back. A couple weeks later we met.<br /><br />I can remeber when Donny was released to light duty at his old job, only to reinjure his back in less than a week's time. He never made it back to work. <br /><br />We had been dating for a little while, and Donny was just starting to look into the possibilty of vocational rehabilitation when he fell and whacked his head one day. he hit the back of his head so hard that it gave him 2 black eyes. Shortly after the fall he started having what I later was told was absent seizures. Then as we were dealing with that we found out about his liver. (After that a doctor told us that Donny wasn't having seizures, but that his little "episodes" were caused by his ammonia levels.)<br /><br />I never knew my husband at 100%, and I wish that I had. I've heard tons of stories about what he used to be like, but I don't have any actual memories from those times. I know that he loved to fish and hunt. And he played baseball. In fact, in his youth Donny pitched a fast ball that was clocked somewhere around 95 mph. I'm told that's rather impressive, but I know nothing about baseball other than the fact that I suck at it.<br /><br />I want memories of my husband from when he was well. I want to be able to say that I saw him play ball at least once. i want to say that I ate a meal that he went out and killed for me. I want to know what it's like to go camping with him. But I'll never know these things, all because I met him a little too late.<br /><br />I sit here crying and wishing him back, all because I want just a little more time with him. Maybe it's selfish of me to wish him back, but I do. I miss him so much.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-5249980244160413762009-02-08T22:03:00.000-08:002009-02-08T22:16:29.401-08:00LifeDeath sucks.<br /><br />I'm still having a hard time grieving for Donny. I don't know how to grieve. I don't know what it looks like. So instead I stay busy. If I stay busy enough for long enough maybe I'll get through the grieving process without realizing it. Somehow I think that won't work.<br /><br />I'm working six days a week right now, and at least three of them are twelve or more hours each day. This week I have four twelve hour days. And that's scheduled hours. Quite often I'm staying an extra hour or so each day. It's been crazy, and so I'm exhausted. The good thing about a schedule like that is that I don't have time to notice the void in my life that Donny left behind.<br /><br />Right after Donny passed away I would go out and sit in his chair and have a cigarette with him. It was very comforting to me, and it helped a lot. But one of the women that I work with decided that our office would go smokeless this year. She pestered me so much about it that I told her that I wouldn't buy any more cigarettes after the first of the year. And I haven't, yet. I haven't had one in about a month, but I want one so bad that I want to scream. I've gone through more gum in the last month than I normally would in a year. It doesn't help. I tried te patches, but the nicotene isn't my problem. Those cravings should be gone by now. It's an emotional thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm about ready to tell te woman that I work with what she can do with herself and go buy some damn cigarettes.<br /><br />I'm about to begin rambling, and I'm exhausted. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's tax season. If you're looking for a tax preparer, or simply need questions answered, I'm checking my email all the time still.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-48650449004370754142009-01-21T21:30:00.000-08:002009-01-21T21:52:41.573-08:00The Letter FMielikki had this meme up and it looked like a fun challenge, so I asked to play.<br /><br /><br /><br />Here's the scoop. If you like the meme, and want to play, leave me a comment. I will assign you a letter of the alphabet, and then you will, at your own free will, list ten things you like that begin with that letter.<br />I, somehow, got the letter F. <br /><br /><br />So, in no particular order, 10 things I like that begin with the letter F.<br /><br />1. Free stuff. Seriously, who doesn't like free stuff?<br /><br />2. French bread, especially when it's still warm. I prefer to just tear off a chunk and eat it plain if I can get it warm.<br /><br />3. Fancy chocolates. I love chocolate of all kinds, but the little fancy ones are just so much fun.<br /><br />4. Friendly people. I like to talk to people and hear their life stories. To me there's nothing better than meeting a really friendly stranger who'll sit down and tell you their life story. I've met some of the most interesting people that way. Then again, I've also met some real quacks.<br /><br />5. Frozen yogurt. It's like icecream, but without the guilt.<br /><br />6. Family. I love spending time with my family, they're very important to me. And once you're a part of my family there's no getting rid of me.<br /><br />7. Facials. I've never gone to a spa and gotten a facial, but their the embodiment of girlie fun to me. My sister and I used to get all the home products and give each-other facials. They were also a common activity at sleep-overs in my teens. A night that included facials was always a fun night.<br /><br />8. Fuzzy slippers. I collect them. Right now I'm wearing some that my doctor says look like tribbles. I absolutely adore big, fuzzy, strange slippers.<br /><br />9. Funny movies. I love watching comedies, to the point that they're almost the only kind of movie that I watch. I love to laugh and comedies can make that happen. There's enough pain and sadness in the world, I don't need a movie to add to that. I want a movie to make me laugh.<br /><br />10. Flying. I like to watch planes take off and land. I love to watch the clouds from above, so that they look like a soft carpet that would make a great place for a nap. I also like the excitement that comes with flying. Going new places and seeing new things, or visiting loved ones, or whatever, it's always exciting to fly somewhere.<br /><br /><br /><br />Okay, that was harder than I thought it would be. The letter F? Really? Do you know how badly my mind blanked out on that one? Oh well. If you want to play, leave a comment and I'll assign you a letter.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-88159499934743364772009-01-14T07:45:00.000-08:002009-01-14T09:51:05.899-08:00InterviewHere's the directions:<br />1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."<br />2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the<br />questions).<br />3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.<br />4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview<br />someone else in the same post.<br />5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask<br />them five questions.<br /><br /><br />1. You have taken on the brave, brave job of being a tax professional. What is the one piece of advice you offer to each and every one of your clients?<br /><br />Because financial situations vary so much there isn't really one piece of advice that everyone needs. Although, if I had to pick one thing to tell everyone, it would either be "Don't be scared of the IRS." or "Save money for retirement."<br /><br />2. Tell us a funny story about Donny, the funniest you can remember that makes you laugh every time you think about it.<br /><br />This one was harder than I would have thought. Apparently I'm not good at coming up with stories on the spot. But there is one that I loved to give Donny a hard time about.<br /><br />At one point in time Donny and I owned an old, beat-up work truck. The kind of truck where you're not surprised to see that the steering wheel is held together by duct tape. The kind of truck that you would have no problems taking it anywhere, because by the looks of it you can tell it's been to worse places than where you're headed. The kind of truck that you'll use for any job, because there's no way that you could be doing any worse to the truck than what's been done to it before. And her name was Betsy.<br /><br />Donny was proud of Betsy, and wanted to be sure that we took good care of her. One of the things that he was fanatical about was checking her oil. Since before we owned her she had been leaking oil, so Donny made sure to check the level often. Donny and his best friend Robbie would go out and warm Betsy up, and then lovingly check her fluids. It was a holy rite of bonding to them. The problem was that I was actually trained by mechanics in how to properly maintain a vehicle, and I knew that the oil should never be checked warm. The engine needs to be either hot or cold, but not warm. If the engines warm you'll get a low reading. So the men would warm Betsy up, get a false low reading on her oil, and then add oil. I tried to tell them that they were doing it wrong, but what does a girl know?<br /><br />There came the day that I realized that Betsy needed an oil change. I waited until I knew that Donny wouldn't feel like doing it, and then I mentioned it and offered to take betsy to the mechanic. Because of my superb timing, Donny allowed me to have the mechanic work on Betsy. When I went back to pick her up I had Donny with me. The mechanic came over and mentioned that they had added 6 quarts of oil and it still wasn't registering on the dipstick, so we may need a new dipstick. Donny never should have let me hear that.<br /><br />It wasn't much after the oil change that the guys decide to go out and check my oil, since it's got that leak. I mentioned the problem with the dipstick and nicely suggested that maybe Betsy didn't really need any oil. They very nicely suggested that I didn't know what I was talking about and should let them get back to their "man work." A few weeks of the same scene being repeated and I was fed up. I finally told Donny that the only thing wrong with my truck was that he kept putting too much oil in her. I also let him know that the oil on the ground was not from a leak, but from Betsy trying valiantly to get ris of the excess oil that he kept giving her. Because of the tone that i took, Donny got rather upset with me. He saidthat he'd quit putting oil in Betsy, but that when I killed her in a couple of weeks trying to drive her with no oil that he had no way to fix or replace her, and it would be my problem. About 2 years later we traded Betsy in on the car that I have now, and I was still teasing Donny about the oil.<br /><br />3. If you could live anywhere in the world, no financial limitations, where would you choose?<br /><br />I thought about Arkansas, since my sister and her kids llive there. And I thought about Washington, since Donny's kids and grandkids live there. But I like where I am. And then it dawned on me, no financial limitations. So, I would buy lots of property here and build homes for all my loved ones.<br /><br />4. Barbie or Skipper, and, why?<br /><br />I was never into either one. By the time I was old enough to enjoy Barbies my sister had decided that she was too old for them, so naturally I decided that I was too old for them. I can remember my best friend wanting to play Barbie and getting frustrated because I thought that was for babies. <br /><br />5. Did you have an imaginary friend as a child? If so, who was it? If not, what was your favorite plaything?<br /><br />I never really had an imaginary friend, but I had an imaginary world. When we were little my dad used to tell my sister and I that "Only boring people get bored." I took that to heart and became one of the easiest kids to entertain of all time. I didn't need toys and playthings, I had my head. (Don't get me wrong, I still liked toys, I just didn't need them to entertain myself.)Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-20645631532891442352009-01-06T23:01:00.000-08:002009-01-06T23:41:40.114-08:00Stop this world, I want off.It's amazing how life goes on, no matter what. I miss Donny more than I ever thought that I would. I ache for one more hug, one more kiss. I long to tell him, just one more time, how much I love him, and hear him say the same to me. I wish that I could come home and discuss how work went that day, or vent about my frustrations. And yet I can't bring myself to wish that he'd come back. He was suffering so much at the end there that I can't bring myself to wish for his return. As much as I miss him, I'm happy that he's well again.<br /><br />I got a letter from social security saying that they had accidentally paid Donny's disability benefits this month, and would I please return the money? Since I know that he's not entitled to any benefits now I have no problem with that concept. However, since they never sent any money, I do have a problem with "returning" it. While I was at the social security office, waiting to straighten out this mess, I ran into an old boss of mine. We got to talking, and I found out that the same day that Donny died his wife went into a coma. I don't really understand what happened,, but I guess it doesn't look good. She got a blood clot in her leg that traveled to her lungs and then her heart. Her name is Suzanne, and I'd appreciate it if people would be praying for her and the family. She has 2 kids who are probably 10 or 11 and 13 or 14. <br /><br />I'm back to work, and loving it. I manage to stay busy most of the time now, which is nice. I've already had 3 different people come to me to get a jump start on their taxes. I'm hoping to stay very busy for a while now. I need the distraction. It amazes me to what extent I don't know what to do with myself. I've been taking care of Donny for so long now that it seems wrong to be able to make last minute plans. And when I'm home I'm at a loss about what to do. I end up wandering through the house and getting nothing accomplished. What am I supposed to do with the time that I used to spend with Donny?<br /><br />Well, it's late, and I have to work tomorrow, so I should probably head to bed. Besides, I think I'm almost exhausted enough to actually go to sleep.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-59740524064435618832008-12-21T22:33:00.000-08:002008-12-21T22:51:17.752-08:00LifeIt's amazing how the world goes on. Friday and Saturday I stayed home and spent time with my family. On Friday I went to the grocery store. It went okay until I went to get the chocolate cake that I was asked to bring home. There was double fudge cake or german chocolate and I was having a hard time deciding which kind to get. I thought that I should call Donny and see which sounded better to him and it hit all over again. I had to walk away and compose myself so I could go back and just grab one.<br /><br />This morning I went to church. It was good for me. After church a couple that I'm friends with came over and helped me set up the christmas tree. We hadn't planned on decorating for Christmas, but with the grandkids coming I needed to. The girls want to celebrate Christmas with me this year, so I needed to at least make some effort to be ready. This evening I went to Bible study at a friend's house. I went early and had dinner with her, it was nice and relaxing. <br /><br />Tomorrow I'm headed to my mother-in-law's for a visit and to drop off a cd of pictures. My niece has volunteered to do a collage of pictures on a poster board for Donny's memorial service. At 2:00 I'm meeting with my pastor to plan Donny's service. I'm hoping to also get a few things done around the house. There are still presents that need wrapped. My aunt and uncle let their dog sleep with them on my parent's bed so it needs stripped and everything washed, since my mom's allergic to dogs.<br /><br />Staying busy should help. I'm trying hard not to let my mind get too active. I keep being plagued with questions. My biggest question is whether or not it would have made any difference if I had gotten Donny to the hospital. I knew he was sick. As I went in to our room on Thursday morning I was think about how if he slept like he had the day before then I would need to take him in. I feel so guilty for not taking him to the hospital. Because there was no autopsy I'll probably never have my answer. I just hope that I can learn to live with the wondering.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-21472236960917698602008-12-18T21:23:00.000-08:002008-12-18T21:53:35.196-08:00December 18, 2008I will remember today for the rest of my life. I will remember it for the horror and for the sadness. I will also remember it for the overwhelming kindness and love shown to me today. Today I discovered my village.<br /><br />A little before 8:00 this morning I went into my bedroom to put together Donny's medicine for the day. As I was walking in there I was thinking about how if Donny spent today sleeping like he did yesterday that I would need to take him to the hosputal. As I was passing the foot of the bed I laid a hand on his leg and realized that it was cold. I had the thought that I needed to cover him up, and the I stopped to look at his chest. It's actually been a habit lately to watch Donny in his sleep until I see something move, just to be sure. The problem was that I couldn't see any movement. As I laid my hand in a couple other places I realized that he was unnaturally cold. I felt for a pulse, and then went to get my uncle. My uncle was in there for less than 30 seconds when he came out and called 911. Donny was gone.<br /><br />I called my sister by other parents and she got there the same time as the cops. She held my hand as the police officer asked me questions about Donny. She took the phone away from me and called family. She asked our pastor to come. She kept all the phones and fielded all the calls. As she did this my uncle dealt with the paramedics, police and the guys from the mortuary. I still don't know who called the mortuary for me. Michelle took me to the bank to get Donny's ATM card deactivated. She took me to the mortuary to finalize details. She took me home with her to avoid people I didn't want to see. Three times today she set food in front of me and made me eat it. She got me through the day.<br /><br />The list of people who called asking to be allowed to do something for me is so long that I'm afraid I can't remember it all. Several people from the church called. Lots of family called. My manager from H&R Block called. One of the girls from my office. One of our local police officers stopped by while I was gone and left his business card. He used to come sit and visit with Donny, so I'm sure it was just a condolance call. Our doctor called and said that if there's anything that he can do to let him know. The number of people who have specifically said that they don't mind if I call in the middle of the night is amazing. I'm overwhelmed at the love and support that came today.<br /><br />I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I should feel. One minute I'm marveling at the number of people who love us, and the next I'm crying about the idea of trying to go on. Mostly I feel numb. I worry that I'll keep feeling numb. It's a pettern for me. I worry that I'll quit being numb. I'm scared to feel the loss. I'm not ready for it. We knew this was coming, I tried to get ready, but how do you prepare for the death of the love of your life? I don't know . I don't know anything anymore.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-54500711057827358842008-11-26T17:33:00.000-08:002008-11-26T17:52:40.352-08:00Hello out there.I've been doing the early open line of credit at work, so I've been busy, but there's been plenty going on. I'll start with work.<br /><br />As I said, I'm back at work already. My job is to take applications for a line of credit. We do them online and the customer gets an instant response. Of course, when the program was launched nationally the traffic overwhelmed the computers, and they went out. Our computers have been down since Monday, and they won't be up again until Friday. This means that Friday is going to be one hell of a day. We have 65 people coming in with appointments, plus we take walk-ins. We're going to be hopping all day. <br /><br />The other day my manager told me that there's a man who's opening a franchise in the little town that's about 5 miles from where I live. He had approached my district manager looking for someone experienced who could help him out. She thought of me and talked to my manager about it. My manager think that this is a great opportunity that I shouldn't pass up on. I would be splitting my time between the new office and the one that I worked in last year. It sounds exciting, but I'm just not sure. I told my manager to have the district manager go ahead and pass my number on, that I would like to talk to him. I'm waiting to see if he calls, but I'm not holding my breath.<br /><br />Now on to my personal life.<br /><br />My mom saw the surgeon yesterday for a post op follow up from her gastric bypass. He thinks that the opening leading into her stomach is closing and that she needs surgery to reopen it. He wants her to get it done before she goes to Arkansas in a couple of weeks. Normally this is done as an outpatient procedure, but because of haw far away we live he wants mom to spend one night in the hospital. It sounds really simple, I just hope that my mom doesn't feel the need to complicate it.<br /><br />Donny had an ultrasound of his abdomen done today. At the end of it the tech went and got the radiologist to come in and take a look at his portal vein. Apparently it's flowing backwards now. The radiologist said that when Donny had his last ultrasound done they had noticed that it would flow backwards intermittently, but now it's just flowing backwards all the time. How is that even possible? How does it not mess up the rest of the circulatory system for one part to flow the wrong way? And what does that mean overall? Is there anything that can be done about it? Is there any reason to even try? What now? I'm really freaked out about this, but I can't let on to Donny that I am. He gets really stressed really easily. If he knew how bad I was freaking out on the inside he would completely lose it.<br /><br />Okay, I think that's all that's going on for now. That's enough for me.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-790782121493138802008-11-14T15:40:00.000-08:002008-11-14T16:04:02.368-08:00LifeThat old saying about when it rains it pours seems to be accurate. There is so much crap going on right now that I don't even know where to start. <br /><br />My mom got a call on Friday or Saturday that her mom was really ill and in ICU. She was on 100% oxygen and still having a hard time with her breathing. Her heart wasn't doing well. She was in a coma. There was some confusion about whether or not the coma was drug induced. Getting a reliable report was difficult. The one thing that came through loud and clear was that grandma was not expected to survive.<br /><br />On Tuesday my mom got a call that my aunt had decided to move grandma to hospice so that they could just administer comfort care. During that phone call she also said that the high school that 4 of her grandkids attend had a violent stabbing occur on campus that day. From what I've gathered it seems that a guy walked up to a girl in the hallway, grabbed her from behind, and slit her throat. One of my cousins walked into the hallway right afterward. He didn't see the actual crime, but he saw all the gore. That includes the girl laying on the floor screaming, saying that she was dying and begging for help. Because of this incident school was cancelled and my aunt had all 4 traumatized teens with her as she was dealing with taking her own mother off of life support.<br /><br />Today my mom got the call that her mother has passed away. Even though we were expecting it this has hit my mom like a ton of bricks. She desperately wants to go for the funeral. Travel plans are in the works, but it's not as easy as jump in the car and go. A few weeks ago mom fell and hurt her back. Wednesday was the first time in a few weeks that mom even attempted driving. To make a trip of a couple thousand miles would require that she take some heavy duty pain killers. If mom takes the pain killers then she can't drive. If dad takes her out for the funeral it could possibly mess up my parents trip that they have planned for December. They're supposed to go see my sister and her kids, who none of us have seen in 4 and a half years. I'm supposed to start back to work tomorrow, so hopping in a car and going isn't as easy as it would seem.<br /><br />And as all of this is happening I'm watching Donny get worse and worse and there's nothing that I can do about it. It's getting harder for him to breathe. He's sick to his stomach all the time. Hardly anything will stay down. He's had to start wearing diapers because of the incontinence issues. His legs are going out on him, he has a hard time standing or walking. I worry constantly about him. I wish that this could be easier, or more dignified. I often wonder just how much worse this is going to get. And how long can I continue to take care of him?<br /><br />Okay, enough self pity, I need to go help mom pack.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-55618492939583337812008-11-02T15:42:00.000-08:002008-11-02T16:30:32.936-08:00UpdatesLast Wednesday I took my mom to ER fo back pain. As we sat in the waiting room my mom looks at me and says, "You know, this is all your fault. You haven't posted on your blog for a while, so I figured that I'd give you something to write about." I guess that means it's time for another post.<br /><br />The trip to ER was actually rather uneventful. Mom had fallen, so they did an xray of her back, There was no damage to the bones, apparently it's a muscular injury. The only thing that happened that bothered me was that the triage nurse forgot to put a name band on my mom. She got the red band for allergies, and a pink and white checked band that we culdn't figure out, but no name band. At first we thought that the number on the checked band might be a replacement, but everybody else coming out of triage had it and a nae band. (They actuall had name bands on each wrist.) The nurse in back noticed the mistake and put a name band on my mom's left wrist.<br /><br />Other than that, things have been pretty normal around here. Donny's still sick, I'm still dealing with it to the best of my abilities. I had my job interview for tax season and it went amazingly well. During offseason a random sampling of clients were called and asked to do a quality control survey. The highest rating that could be given was a 4, and I got an average of 3.3. The other numbers that my district manager went over with me were high as well. It was a really great interview and I'm looking forward to going back to work. I applied to return to work early, so I should be starting in a couple of weeks.<br /><br />I wold writ mor, but this keyboard is possessed. It keeps skipping letters that I'm typing and randomly inserting letters or numbers in a long string, like the button is stuck. A new keyboard has been ordered, so hopefully it will be here soonJamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-7132896708555780722008-10-17T02:56:00.000-07:002008-10-17T03:09:35.542-07:00CaffeineI started a new class tonight, and it's kicking my ass. This is the first time that I've been told that when I'm dealing with a return involving what I'm learning that it will automatically take at least 2 appointments. There is so much involved when doing a return with a foreclosure on it that there is no way to complete it accurately in a time span that it's reasonable to expect the client to sit there. With that much going on, that means there's a lot to learn.<br /><br />I took this class because I'm expecting to see several people with foreclosures come into our office. The way that things have been going I think that it's a safe bet. I was talking to a preparer with 18 years of experience and this was a lot for her. When I told her that I'm headed in to my second tax season she said, "So this class is over your head, huh?" And that's about how I feel. And the fact that the instructor crammed 3 hours worth of material into 2 hours just made it worse.<br /><br />To help me get through class my friend, Michelle, bought me a couple bottles of coke. The caffeine and the sugar seemed like a good idea at the time. Now it's 3:00 in the morning and I can't get to sleep. This wouldn't be such a problem, but I have class at 9:00, which means leaving at 8:00. So I need to get up in 4 hours, and I can't go to sleep. This is going to kill me.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-74824298650046422032008-10-05T16:11:00.000-07:002008-10-05T16:37:27.722-07:00MeI just realized how long it's been since I've posted. It's amazing how during the day something will happen that I think would make an interesting post, but when I sit down at the computer I have no clue what it was.<br /><br />The problem hasn't been not having anything to say, it's been not wanting to say it. I've been having an identity crisis and I haven't wanted to talk about it. Since this is the place where I promised myself that I would always be honest, I've avoided it like the plague. <br /><br />I think that I've got a handle on the identity crisis now, but it's still not something that I want to put out there for anybody to read. I've had to be honest enough with myself to admit that there are some things that are too personal to put in writing. This is why I never kept a diary as a teenager. Because seiously, that would have been my sister's favorite book to read, no matter how well I thought I had it hidden.<br /><br />The problem with having an identity crisis is that it'll throw the most level person into a depression. When you're already battling depression, it throws you into pits of despair. I know that I've talked before about the fact that I battle depression, but I often wonder if anybody who doesn't deal with clinical depression can really understand what it's like. The black cloud, the fog, the lack of any drive to do anything. The way that the simplest task seems overwhelming. And then there's the toll that it takes on your family. It's really more than I could ever hope to acurately describe.<br /><br />The fact that I'm back gives me hope. I'm returning to the land of the living. Of course, I'm not cured, there'll always be that battle. But for the moment I appear to be winning. And for the moment, that's enough.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-89884312940427269222008-09-12T00:14:00.000-07:002008-09-12T01:05:57.934-07:00My Favorite ManThere is a very special man in my life whom I never talk about. His name (for the purposes of this blog) is Michael. Michael is the son of some really close friends of the family. His mom is the sister I always had and never wanted. (Seriously, I feel the same about her as I do my sister that I grew up with.) For the purposes of this blog we'll call her Michelle. (The reason for fake names is that she's extremely paranoid about the internet and doesn't want me to use real names. This paranoia is also why you'll never see pictures of this part of my family.)<br /><br />Michelle has 2 older children from a previous marriage, both of whom I'm allowed to talk about all I want. (They're old enough to make that decision for themselves and they don't have that paranoia.) Michael was a late(r) in life surprise. Michelle's the boyfriend (now husband) had been told that he was unable to father children, so imagine their surprise when they got the news. So now her kids are 19, 17 (18 in November) and 3. Although I love all 3 children, Michael has a special place in my heart.<br /><br />The day that Michael was born I went to the hospital and sat there and held him for about 3 hours. Ever since that day that child has had me wrapped around his little finger, and he knows it. If Michael wants a treat he'll come ask me. If he wants somebody to play with, I'm the one he looks for. There was a new couple at our church that confided in me that they'd been attending the church for a few weeks before they figured out that Michael's not my son. In fact, they only figured it out when they heard him call me "Uncle Jamie". (Don't ask, he's a little confused about titles, but I think it's cute.)<br /><br />A couple days ago my mom was talking to Michelle on the phone, so I had her ask if Michael could come play. I had been missing him and I thought that Michelle could use the break. When Michael got here I was in the process of making soup for my mom, so he had me put him in his spot, and he helped me cook. (Michael and I have been cooking together since he was 1.) He put the carrots in the soup, and helped me stir. At one point he looked at me and started asking for something, but I couldn't understand him. I took him into the living room and had him repeat it to his mom, but she didn't have a clue either. Finally my mom told me that he wanted the garlic. Michelle was amazed that he even knew what garlic was, since she doesn't let him cook at home. (Quick tip: put an appropriate amount of spice into a small bowl and let the kid dump that in. About a year ago I had some eggs that taught me that lesson in a way that I'll never forget.)<br /><br />Pretty soon we were done making soup, but we weren't ready to be done cooking. So I grabbed a cake mix out of the cupboard and we baked a cake together. Cakes mixes are great at his age because they go together quick, but you still get to crack eggs. (Just a tip: crack the egg into a separate bowl, that way it's easier to pick the shell out.) Michael surprised me with his egg cracking expertise, there was no shell to pick out. We took turns mixing the batter, but I couldn't convince the boy to try licking the spoon. Strange child.<br /><br />Once the cake was in the oven Michael was ready to play for a while. He wanted to go out back, but needed an adult to go with him. Because Michael's developed a habit of referring to himself in the first person we've been making a point of trying to get him to use the word I. So when he came to me and said, "Michael needs to play outside." I told him to say, "I need to play outside. That's when the child gave me a funny look and said, "Uncle Jamie needs to play outside." I gave up and just went out back with him. On the way he stopped and kicked his mom out of the house. He definitely does not have separation anxiety issues.<br /><br />We got done playing in the backyard just in time to pull the cake out of the oven. That's when Micchael decided to go visit Uncle Moo-Moo (Donny). Out to the garage he went, where he climbed up in my chair and settled in for a visit with his uncle. Of course Donny immediately switched the Tv over to cartoons for the kid, and then started looking for the candy that I had told him earlier not to give to Michael. (By this time we'd already had a popsicle, since he knows that I always have some in my freezer for him.)<br /><br />When Michael finally got done visiting with Uncle Moo-Moo he decided that he wanted to cook some more. Since we had made a lemon cake earlier, I decided that a lemon icing would be a good thing. I put Michael up on the counter and grabbed a bag of powdered sugar. I turned to grab the milk, and when I turned back to where Michael was, he had poured powdered sugar in a frying pan that was sitting on the stove. That would have been a lot less messy if there hadn't been a thin layer of oil on the bottom of the pan. So we got the icing started, and I realized that I needed more powdered sugar. This wasn't a problem, since my grandma keeps a big plastic tub of it on the buffet. There's also a big plastic tub of flour over there, so when I opened the tub up I tasted the contents to be sure that I had the right thing. Michael saw this and asked if he could taste too. Since I knew he would be going home soon I saw no harm in this and let him. I then got him a small measuring cup and got him busy scooping sugar into the bowl for me. He also got a lesson in how to work a Kitchen Aid mixer. (The first lesson being never, ever stick your hand in the bowl.) Of course, by the end of our icing making he had given up all pretense of putting sugar in the bowl, and was simply sitting there eating straight powdered sugar and telling me how good it was. <br /><br />We iced the cake, something else that I realized he had never done before. I had handed him the knife (a butterknife) so that he could do it before I learned this important tidbit. He got a lesson in why using the knife to gouge out chunks of cake is not the accepted norm for icing a cake. It was my turn to do the icing again when I had to teach him why randomely sticking your fingers into the cake to make holes also is not the accepted norm for icing a cake.<br /><br />When Michelle came to pick Michael up she got a wired little boy and a cake for their dessert that night. We had a ball.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-2043149335784905282008-09-08T23:26:00.000-07:002008-09-08T23:54:57.123-07:00Monterey, part 3 (the conclusion)The same day as surgery was Donny's birthday. My mom had made me promise that I would do something with Donny for his birthday, but I still really wanted to see her. We went back to the hospital to check on her, but she kicked us out and told us to go celebrate. We went back to the motel to decide what to do.<br /><br />Donny finally decided that he'd rather get some baseball cards and a baseball card magazine than go out and celebrate, so we headed to WalMart. I have to admit to being relieved, since I really didn't want to go out either. I ended up buying a big jug of orange juice while we were at the store. We then went back to our room and I laid in bed and drank orage juice. (Anybody who knows me knows that this is a bad sign, since I hate orange juice, but crave it like mad when I'm sick.) I drank almost half a gallon of ornge juice before I finally passed out. The day had finally caught up with me.<br /><br />The next few days were spent visiting my mom in the morning, going to the room for a nap in the afternoon, and then back to the hospital in the evening. For the first couple of days mom did really good. She was progressing as expected and all seemed to be well, she was due to be discharged from the hospital on Thursday.<br /><br />Thursday morning my mom started having severe pain. It was in her lower right abdomen, and the cramps were worse than giving birth to a 10 pound baby. (Yes, I was huge.) Because of the placement the doctor was baffled as to what the cause could be. He decided to give it a day and see how she was doing. In the meantime though she was recieving 4mg of morphine by IV every 1/2 hour, along with her liquuid lortab. They finally figured out that if they gave her both medications at the same time she'd actually get the pain controlled enough to sleep for a little while.<br /><br />On Friday morning I arrived at the hospital at 7:00 a.m. to make sure that I didn't miss seeing the doctor. He talked to my mom and when she told him that the pain wasn't getting any better he decided to run a few more tests. He did a urine test looking for a UTI. He tested the stuff coming out of the drainage tube in her stomach to make sure that there wasn't too much of something in it, I can't remember what he was looking for now. And he ordered a CT scan to see if they could see the problem that way.<br /><br />Around lunchtime the hospital called the doctor at his office and gave him the results of all the tests that had been run. He hopped in his car and drove across town to come deal with the problem immediately. Apparently mom's drainage tube had slipped down and that was the cause of all the pain. The doctor came in and removed himself because he wanted to be sure that removing it really did alleviate the pain. My mom said that immediately she felt better. She still had the soreness expected after surgery, but nothing like before.<br /><br />Mom was kept one more night in the hospital, just to make sure that all was well again, and then she was finally allowed to come home. Even with all the pain she still says that it's worth it.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25995568.post-35752250645799999662008-09-07T22:45:00.000-07:002008-09-07T23:18:15.066-07:00Monterey, part 2Tuesday morning, 5:00 a.m. my alarm goes off. Since it was the alarm on my cell phone it sounded like a phone ringing. I was expecting this, so I thought nothing of it. Donny and my grandma, on the other hand, were both scared. Apparently they thought that somebody was calling us, and at that time of the morning phone calls are never good news.<br /><br />Grandma and I both got up and dressed, and we were off. Mom was to arrive at the hospital at 6:00 a.m., and we wanted to meet her there. As we were pulling into the parking lot I realized that since I had left my cell phone with Donny I had no way to know where to find my parents. My solution was to drive around the parking lot looking for their car, and then use that entrance. I was hoping for signs leading to the surgical waiting room once we got inside. <br /><br />That hospital has a big circular drive thing that leads to the main doors, and as we were going through it we happened to see my parents through a window. I zipped back around the drive, put the car in park and jumped out. By the time that I got in the front doors I managed to get a glimpse of my parents turning a corner. I went running after them, but they had a good start. I finally started hollering down the hallway to get my dad's attention. Of course, he just glanced back, and kept right on going. He figured if I followed him I'd find them. He had no clue that I was illegally parked and desperately trying to get back to my car. I finally hollered out that I had no clue where he was going. He turned and told me that they were there, so I turned and ran the other way. As I got to the front door I ran into my grandma, who had just made it inside. I pointed her in the right direction, and then went out to my car that was hanging open with the engine running. <br /><br />After I parked I went in and the waiting began. Only one person was allowed in with my mom at that point, so we sat in the waiting room and tried to entertain ourselves. My dad finally came out and let us know that mom was showering with some special soap and then we could go see her. So then it was time to wait and try to entertain mom.<br /><br />About 7:45 mom went to surgery, and we all decided to go to the cafe for some breakfast. Except the cafe doesn't open until 8:30. We sat and waited. We waited and sat. Somewhere in there we finally got some breakfast. Around 11:00 the doctor came out and let us know that surgery had been successful. He said that he was able to do it laproscopically, but because of her weight he had to use more pressure than he had thought would be required. Of course I didn't think to ask him to explain that remark, but I'm guessing that he's referring to the air that they had to put in her abdomen to make it possible to work in there. We were told that she'd be in recovery for about 2 hours and then she would go to her room, and that we couldn't see her until she got to her room. I suggested that we all go back to my motel room to wait, and we could have sandwiches for lunch while we were there. My dad didn't want to leave the hospital though, so it was just our family friend that was there and myself who went back. <br /><br />Around 1:00 we went to see my mom and she looked pretty good.Some other friends of the family were there to see my mom, so her room was pretty full, and I couldn't really get over by her to see her though. I ended up taking their 3 year old son out to see the fishies (in the fountain in the main lobby) and try to let things settle down. I went back to my mom's room to return the kid and try to see my mom. Within 60 seconds of arriving at her room my dad handed me his cell phone and said that I needed to call my sister back. It was suggested that if I went to the seating area around the corner I might be able to hear better. As I hung up the phone from talking to my sister Donny came and found me to let me know that he was tired and needed to go back to the motel. So I finally got close enough to kiss my mom, and we left.Jamiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00992569219292158726noreply@blogger.com1