Jamie's World

Family

2010-12-18T22:58:00.000-08:00

I had planned on working today. I was going to be strong and get through the day by myself. I was not going to rely on anybody.

Then reality smacked me in the face.

I went to work for a couple of hours. But I couldn't concentrate. I went shopping. But I wasn't making wise choices. And then I thought that I should go to my sister-in-law's house.

I almost chickened out. As I turned onto her street I was thinking about how long it had been since I had last talked to them. And I was thinking about the awkwardness there would be if they asked why I didn't come around more often. But I stopped the car.

My sister-in-law, Terry, met me in the yard with a huge hug. She was so happy to see me. And my sister-in law, JoAnne, was in town for one night to see the family. And that's why my brother-in-law, Steven, had stopped by. And of course there were all the requisite nieces and nephews there.

When I walked in my mother-in-law started to get up to greet me. We told her to stay where she was and I would come to her. (She's in her 80s and not too stable on her feet.) It took her about 15 minutes to let go of my hand. She was so thrilled to see me. Sometimes I forget that I'm now her only link to her baby boy.

Being with Donny's family was just what I needed today. I hadn't realized just how much it hurt me that they hadn't tried to reach out to me since his death. But I realized today that they want to, they just don't know how.

I wasn't in this family for very long when we lost the one who linked us together. We never got a chance to really solidify our relationship before he was gone. And because of Donny's alcoholism there had always been a strain when we were around.

But today went beautifully. And if I keep going around, keep reaching out, things will improve. I realized today that they weren't sure if I wanted to be in their life anymore. That saddens me, because I love them a lot. How could I not? They're my family.

I'm so glad I stopped.

Two years

2010-12-18T08:04:00.000-08:00

Two years ago today my life turned upside down. I knew it was coming. I thought I was ready. And then reality smacked me upside the head.

I miss Donny as much now as I did then. I thought that time was supposed to heal that.

I read a quote somewhere about you don't know the depths of your love for someone until they're gone. It's true. I never realized just how much I loved him until I was without him.

How could I not have known that it would be like this? How could I have doubted the depth of what we had? Would I have done what I did for Donny for somebody that I wasn't head over heels for? Do any of these questions matter now?

I still regret the arguments. The time we lost being angry with one-another. The rational part of my brain knows that those are part of life, and that they needed to happen in some fashion so that we dealt with problems rather than letting them fester. But my heart just sees missed opportunities to be together.

But more than that, I regret the time I spent doing other stuff. How many evenings was I on the computer while he sat in his chair and watched TV. How hard would it have been to go sit by him? Hold his hand, let him know I was there, be with him. I don't get to do that now, and I miss it.

I miss coming home and telling him all about my day. I miss eating dinner with him. I miss having him wrap his arms around me and feeling like everything will be okay. I miss how he had to be touching me to go to sleep. I miss his teasing.

So badly I want him back. And that's not fair. He was in so much pain. His body was done living long before he let it die. I really think that at the end the only thing keeping him alive was his willpower and his desire to not leave me alone. But eventually his body couldn't keep going, no matter how much Donny wanted it to. To bring him back wouldn't be fair. He's not in pain anymore.

Right after Donny died one of his sisters had a dream where she saw Donny walking toward a baseball field. (That was his sport. He loved baseball and was a very good pitcher in his youth.) In her dream the closer Donny got to the field, the healthier he got, so that by the time he got there he was young and healthy again. Wearing denim shorts and a t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off. His favorite outfit. I love the image of him getting to play his favorite game as much as he wants. But more than that, I love the idea of him being healthy again, no longer in pain.

I try to be strong, I try to keep going. some days are easier than others. I know that Donny wanted me to keep going, to move on. I know this because he told me so. Before he died he used to talk about what he wanted me to do after he was gone. He told me I could take 2 weeks off, but then I had to "get up and put my feet on the floor." That was how he used to refer to the days when you simply kept putting one foot in front of the other just so that you don't lose ground. He actually tried to get me to promise to remarry. I pointed out that I couldn't guarantee that I would find love again. So we settled on me promising to not shut myself off to it.

And that's why I keep going. Because to do any less would be a disappointment to the man who still holds my heart.

Choices

2010-12-09T23:25:00.001-08:00

SO for the last few days I've had an ear infection building. I knew something was wrong on Monday, but I didn't do anything about it. I have no insurance, so going to the doctor is a rather spendy option for me. It was suggested that I go to the ER, since they can't turn me away. But then I'm clogging up the ER with non-emergency stuff, and I wind up with a huge bill.

My method of dealing with it was to have my mom clean my ear out with peroxide a couple times a day and hope I could "boil" the infection out. And each day we would chronicle how much worse my ear was. Today I couldn't take it anymore. I woke up and my ear canal was swollen shut, and that's enough to drive anybody nuts.

Fortunately for me, there's a clinic a few blocks down the street that charges on a sliding scale, so I called and got in with them. When I told the doctor that my ear canal was swollen shut you could tell that she wasn't taking me literally. But when she went to check it, before she even put that little light up to it, she took one look and said "That's closed!"

Apparently my good ear is developing an ear infection and my bad ear is really bad. The doc put a wick in my ear and prescribed antibiotic ear drops along with oral antibiotics. I have to go back on Monday.

She also asked me a bunch of the standard medical history questions. When she asked about diabetes I told her that I was checked a few years ago. I mentioned that since I have PCOS my doctor had been very careful about that when I still had insurance. She then said something that I've never heard before. She said that with PCOS I have an 80% chance of developing diabetes. I don't like those odds. I need to start doing something about them.

I think it's time for me to get serious about dealing with my weight issue. I quit using tobacco about a month ago, now it's time to take the next step in dealing with my health. I need to do some research to figure out what's going to work best for me, but I've gotta do it. I'm hoping that by admitting it in such a public forum it'll help me stick with the idea. Now there's some level of accountability. If in no other way, then because I've promised myself that I'll be honest on here.

As I mentioned already, about a month ago I quit using tobacco. I did not make a conscious decision to quit smoking. A while back I saw some electronic cigarettes and I wanted to switch to them, because in the long run it's cheaper. But the initial outlay was beyond my means. Well, somebody was looking to unload their electronic cigarette, and now I have one. And it is cheaper. But now I have people wanting to know when I'm going to give that up too. I hadn't planned on it. I realize that nicotine can't be all that good for me, but I've cut out all the other bad things from smoking. And there's no second hand smoke. So I'm not hurting anyone else. Can't I just have this one vice? Please?

Well, I think that I've delved far enough into the poor choices that I make for one evening. At least I'm doing something about them now, though, right?

Life

2010-12-08T19:30:00.000-08:00

I've been gone from blogging for a long time. Basically, it's been about 2 years now. I've checked in a couple of times with updates, but haven't really written anything. I want to change that. I want to get back to letting my thoughts and feelings out.

It's been almost 2 years since Donny died. I miss him all the time still. I really thought that it would get better with time, but I guess I was wrong. I didn't really understand how deeply I loved him until he was gone. We had our good times and our bad times, but I'm choosing to remember the good.

I get to see the grandkids about once a year. I'm friends with both the girls on facebook and we keep up with each-other that way. I love them all and I'm so happy that they have allowed me to keep my role in their family, even though their dad's gone now.

My sister's kids are still living with me. I enjoy having them here, even if they do supremely frustrate me at times. I've learned a lot about them, and about kids in general. The biggest lesson that I've learned though is to back off and let everybody else deal with it. I've had too many people tell me too many times how awful I am for how I handle things with the kids, so now I just let everybody else deal with them unless I am specifically asked to do it.

My sister and her boyfriend lived with us for a while. It didn't go well and it ended with her boyfriend getting kicked out. At that point my parents said that any adults who wanted to keep living in their home would have to submit to random drug testing. My sister got on her high horse about where her boyfriend's not welcome, she's not welcome and she went to be homeless with the guy. We all know though that it was actually a case of she couldn't pass the drug test and she knew it. Now she likes to bitch and moan about how she was kicked out and isn't good enough to sleep in our backyard like a dog. (they were living in a tent in the backyard before, since there was absolutely no room in the house.)

My sister also announced her pregnancy over Thanksgiving weekend. After all the years that I prayed that Donny and I could have a baby, she gets pregnant when she's trying not to. And she can't even take care of the ones that she has now! I know that I sound like a jealous, whining little sister, and maybe that's what I am, but I'm really having problems here.

And to top it all off, since my sister announced her pregnancy, my mom's really been babying her. She's at our house all the time now. And when she's here she complains constantly about the RV that her and her boyfriend live in. Apparently it's too cold and has a leak over their bed. When it rains their bed gets all wet. I'm just waiting for when my mom announces that for the good of my sister and the baby she'll be moving in.

If my sister moves in she's going to bring her boyfriend to live with her. That's when I'll have some major decisions to make. Any time that they come over and it's not their regular Sunday visit I have a panic attack. And when they stayed here for a week I was having nightmares and problems sleeping. I have a really hard time with it, but I have to play nice. For that sake of family peace and harmony I have to pretend like everything's great and wonderful, but it's not.

I started dating again, but I now qualify for the Jerry Springer show. I'm dating my sister's ex-husband, and the father of the children that live with me. Early in their marriage Mike and I realized that we were interested in each-other, but we couldn't do anything about it since he was married to my sister. Over the years we've had as little to do with each-other as possible to make things easier.

Mike moved back to this area to be near his kids. I ended up spending quite a bit of time with him and we discovered that we were both still interested. We decided to see where things would go. So far it's been mostly good. I can't say that I've found forever, but I'm also not ending things right now. One thing that I've learned is to slow down and enjoy the moment that I'm in right now.

Work is revving up again for me. This tax season I'll be working 2 jobs, but after April 15 I'll be back down to one. I still absolutely love doing taxes, and I'm good at it. I'm so glad my friend talked me into doing the class a few years ago.

I guess this post ended up being just another update on my life, but I find those interesting to read a few years later. And maybe I'll be able to be more honest about my feelings when the room isn't full of kids. Now it's time to get them off to bed.

Life

2009-09-02T23:22:00.000-07:00

I want him back! I don't care how unfair it is, I want him back!

Today would have been Donny's 52nd birthday. That's really young to be dead. I can't even say how much I miss him. Sometimes it's an actual physical ache in my chest. I thought that I was ready for this, I thought that I had prepared myself. I've never been more wrong in all my life.

I've been avoiding writing, mostly because I've been avoiding myself. I have 4 part-time jobs, 3 kids and a sick mom, and sometimes I feel like I'm not busy enough. If I fill my days with busyness then I don't have to face the emptiness. I miss him so much.

The kids are well. We have our ups and our downs. Last week the youngest one broke his arm. He was such a trooper about it too. He didn't cry when he broke it. His eyes got a little wet, but he didn't cry when he had to twist his arm into a weird position for the x-ray. He didn't cry when he had to sit in the waiting room for a couple of hours, with no pain medicine, waiting his turn. He didn't cry when they splinted it. In fact, the only time he did cry was when a baby in obvious distress came into the waiting room. What a softy.

My mom's in the hospital again. They now think that the reason that she keeps passing out is something to do with her adrenal gland. I guess I know what I need to be googling. The doctor said that she might get to come home on Friday. I sure hope so, I miss her.

That's all the news in my life. I feel a little bit better, having let off some steam, but I sure didn't wait long to focus my attention elsewhere did I? Oh well, it's a start.

Update

2009-05-10T23:47:00.000-07:00

I just looked at my blog and realized how long it's been since I've written. So much has happened, and much of it is crap that I don't even want to think about.

I'll start off by saying that I've been kept on to work the off-season for block. Year round taxes, yeah.

Three weeks ago I came home from work to find that my sister and her fiancee had pitched at tent in the backyard, and were apparently going to be living with us. I was told that it was a one weeek trial. The idea was that at the end of the week my parents, my grandmother, and myself would discuss things, and if it wasn't working out that they would be asked to leave. That has yet to happen. Instead they seem to plan on being here until they find jobs and are able to get a place of their own, or at least that's my sister's plan.

Last Tuesday my mom told me that they'd be here for 2 more weeks. At that time her friend is supposed to giver her his tax refund to repay her for something. My mom said that my sister would be leaving when that money came through. The next day my sister was talking to me and casually mentioned how much of that money she would be asking my parents to hold on to for her to have money to move with when steady jobs are secured. She said that way mom and dad would know that she really is serious about leaving once they have jobs.

Of course, if they're going to move when they have jobs then they need to be serious about looking for work. But my sister believes that she can't get serious about finding a job until her fiancee finds a job, because it would hurt his feelings if she found work before him. And as for the fiancee, he seems to have given up on finding a job. He's mad that everybody is looking for somebody who's bilingual. He also doesn't appear to have any marketable job skills, but that may be just my view of things.

What makes all of this so bad though is the fact that I can't stand her fiancee. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him so that I don't hurt his feeling on accident. And it doesn't take much. A good example would be today. I was really missing Donny. Mother's Day is hard for me, and he was always my rock during days like this. Mike could see that I was not doing well, and asked me what was wrong, to which I answered nothing. He got his feelings hurt that I didn't want to share with him what was going on. And today wasn't a one-off kind of thing, he gets his feelings hurt about everything. If we're not treating him like the king and telling him that he's wonderful, his feelings get hurt. And I'm tired of tiptoeing around him.

Although, it's not just Mike that I'm having a problem with. I don't like living with my sister. I love her dearly, but I can't handle living with her. A lot of the problem is me, I get that, but I still don't like living with her. The last time that we lived together as adults she steamrolled over me and took over my living space, because she didn't have enough room. (She had more room than me, but that didn't matter to her.) Infact, in most areas of our lives she steamrolled me. She's always been like that. Now I feel as if I have to constantly be on guard to keep it from happening again. I have to hold my boundaries very firm, never giving an inch, and constantly guarding them to keep them in place. That's because she's always been the type that if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile.

This has been really hard on me emotionally. These last three weeks have felt more like three months. I'm starting to fall apart at the seams. I have to solve this problem before I completely fall apart. I've thought a lot about this and the only solution that I can think of is to move. So I've started quietly looking for a job that pays enough to support myself. I know myself well enough to know that I would not do well with a roommate, so I'll have to earn enough to pay all the bills myself. I don't want to leave the home that I shared with Donny. My heart literally, physically, aches every time I think about it, but this may be my only solution.

Getting a job and getting the money to move on may take a while. And maybe in that time things will resolve themselves where my sister is concerned, but I can't sit back and wait for that to happen anymore. I have to be doing something to resolve this, and I can't find any other options.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T23:39:00.000-07:00

I survived another Mother's Day. Barely.

Today was a very hard day for me. A day where I get constant reminders about the fact that I'll never be a mom.

Last year on Mother's Day Donny held me and let me cry. He talked about the fact that we were still hoping and trying to conceive. He called his daughter and asked her to talk to me and try to make me feel better. He was there for me, and he helped me find that little, tiny ember of hope.

This year he wasn't there, and that ember is gone.

OMG

2009-04-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

I want to know who fed me stupid pills and where I can get the antidote.

Seriously, what the hell was I thinking in taking on 3 kids with so much emotional baggage? I can't catch my breath between problems.

In all honesty, the kids are great, and I love having them here. I'm enthusiastically greeted when I get home from work and I never lack for somebody to cuddle with. Noah, the 17 year old, has always been my boy, and still is. He's the one that you're most likely to find cuddled up on the couch with me. Kaylee, the 13 year old, has always been my princess, and knows it. She's the one you'll find giving me an angelic smile while she tries to convince me to give her special privileges. And then there's Micah, the 11 year old. He's the baby and has always been treated as such. He's the one that's likely to be in his room pouting about something. I seem to be very good at pissing the child off.

The kids have been her for 3 weeks now and I had really hoped to be settled in to a routine by now. The only routine that we have is going to the ER.

The day after the kids got here Kaylee's ears started hurting. By that evening she was sitting there, hands over her ears, moaning. She hurt so bad that she couldn't even cry. Because my sister, in all her infinite wisdom, failed to send us permission to get medical treatment, the ER was the only place willing to touch the child. So we spent many hours in the ER so that they could tell us that there was fluid behind both eardrums and in one ear it had gotten infected. After Kaylee had been triaged and we'd been sent back to the waiting room the doc in triage came out and started wandering around the ER. He finally came and let me know that he had ordered some numbing eardrops from the pharmacy, but that since that would take a while he was looking to see if anybody had some statshed somewhere on the unit. Eventually a nurse practitioner pulled Kaylee into the second triage room and examined her in there. We were given some prescritions and sent home.

The following day I developed a severe cold. After having to ask my parents to come rescue me at work because I was too dizzy to drive I broke down and went to the doctor. I spent $140 to be told that I was right, it was just a severe cold. I was dizzy because the tubes in my ears weren't draining right. I was then told to stay home for a week. And definitely no doing taxes until my head cleared. So my family took my car keys away and made me stay home.

It was probably a couple of days after I had been to the doctor that we made our second trip to ER. We had just put kids to bed and things were settling down for the night. Kaylee sat bolt upright in bed, grabbed her stomach and started sobbing because of the pain. She said that she was having severe pain in her lower right abdomen. Since my mom and I couldn't remember where the appendix is we decided to let a doctor tell us that she was fine. And that's exactly what happened. The doctor we saw that night thought that the pain was caused by constipation, brought on by the tylenol3 that she had been given for the earache. So she sent us home with a prescription for laxatives and a list of high fiber foods.

A few days later Kaylee was having no problems having a bowel movement, but the pain persisted. By this time we had noticed that it moved around some, but tended to be somewhere in the middle of her abdomen or on the right side. Whether it was high or low in the abdomen changed all the time. The pain is real, but we couldn't figure out a cause. It got so bad that we ended up taking her back to ER. They ran some more tests, but still couldnn't find anything. The only progress that we made was ruling stuff out. But my sister finally sent consent for medical treatment.

So we took Kaylee for a follow-up visit at a clinic here in town. The doctor still isn't positive what it is, but she at least believes us that Kaylee really is in pain. My mom and I think that it's stressed induced, and the doctor said that that's a very real possibility. They're doinf an ultrasound looking for ovarian cysts, but at this point it's a matter of ruling out everything else before diagnosing her with stress.

This last Sunday I was sitting in the garage visiting with Noah and he was playing around in my mom's wheelchair that we were storing in there. I'm not sure how it happened, but the wheelchair tipped over backwards. I couldn't get a response out of him for a couple minutes, and then he just groaned. I finally got him to tell me he was dizzy, but he still wouldn't roll over or open his eyes. It took a little bit, but we finally got him with it enough to get up in a chair. I used the wheelchair and got him out to the car, and then it was off to the hospital. They did a CT sccan of his head, and there was no major internal trauma. He was diagnosed with a concussion and sent home. From that trip I learned that you don't have to keep somebody awake after a head injury anymore.

On Tuesday Noah got up, tried to get ready for school, but just couldn't make it. My mom called and talked to the school nurse about what was going on, and was advised that he should see a doctor. The doctor examined him that afternoon and sent him back to ER. She thought that another CT scan needed to be done of his head, since he was getting worse. So as they're trying to explain everything in triage the nurse asked Noah how he got a concussion. When Noah told him the response he got was, "OH! I heard about you!" The guy hadn't even been working on Sunday. We ran into the same scene with the tech who took him for his CT scan. This time it was decided that he has post concussive syndrome and it'll take about 6 weeks for him to get better.

So tonight Noah was asleep when I went in to call him for dinner. I got him awake enough to know that it was dinner time and then I left the room. He came out a little while later and apologized to my mom for denting the speaker on her CD player. He hit it with his head when he fell out of bed.

I put his mattress on the floor and told him that he's to stay at floor level, it's safer that way.

Chili

2009-03-08T17:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my parent's church had their annual chili cookoff fundraiser. Last year there had been about 5 or 6 entries and about 30 people had shown up for the chili dinner afterward. I won second place in the category of hottest and first place in the category of best tasting last year. I had a blast doing it too.

This year I decided to enter again, and I was discussing it with my mom. She pointed out that she'd be babysitting "Michael" that day. Since he enjoys cooking with me mom pointed out that I'd probably end up with help. Then my mom said that she thought it'd be cute for Michael to enter the cookoff. I loved the idea and ran with it.

I realized that if I helped with Michael's chili too much then it would taste too much like mine, so I had to figure out what to do. I sent my dad to the store to buy what he thought should go in a pot of chili. I got some stuff from my mom that she bought when she had been considering entering in the cookoff herself. And then I raided the cupboard for stuff that I thought might go in chili.

Thursday night I put some beans on to soak for the 2 pots of chili. Friday I cooked them off and put my chili together, since it needs to cook for a full day before it's done. I set Michael's beans aside for him.

On Saturday morning I set out everything that we had for Michael's chili, and then I put the boy to work. My dad had bought one of those big, horseshoe shaped sausages to use for this, so I gave it to Michael to cut up. He can only use a butter knife for now (I really need to go get a safety knife), but he's getting pretty good at it. I then sat Michael on the counter next to the stove and let him start putting stuff in his chili. He's getting pretty good at helping open cans, and his stirring skills are greatly improved.

When all was said and done Michael had a decent looking pot of chili. We took his and mine to the church and dropped them off for judging while we went shopping. We went back to the church for the dinner. When it came time for the awards I got some funny looks as to why I was dragging a 3 year old up for them, but it was worth it. Michael got third place in the category of best tasting. It was so much fun.

Changes

2009-03-02T23:30:00.001-08:00

Okay, everything just got crazy here. We'll start with a little background.

I have one sister, she's older than me. She llives in Arkansas, and we haven't been able to see each other since my wedding. We keep in touch, but not a lot of contact. We've always been close, but she tends to fill her life with drama, and I just haven't been able to deal with it. There's no huge disagreement, just I don't need the run down on who's sleeping with who, or which boyfriend (since she kicked her husband out to move a boyfriend in to help pay the bills) is currently in residence.

I've known that my sister was facing a lot of hard times, but I haven't really realized just how bad they were. She has 3 kids and has been working her ass off trying to provide for them, but nothings really coming together for her. The kids are 17, 13, and 11 and they happen to be the closest I come to having kids of my own. I love them more than I could ever say. They've turned out fairly well so far, especially considering the home environment that they come from.

A few days ago the cops showed up at my sister's house because they'd had a report that my niece (the 13 year old) was being molested by one of the people that she babysits for. They needed to take her to the station to question her about this, and my sister went along. Why, I don't know, but my sister was tested for drugs while she was there. And she failed. She tested positive for marijuana and meth. She swears up and down that she only uses occasionally and my mom belives her. The only thing that I know for sure is that she's willingly taking part in a drug rehab program.

Apparently one of the boyfriends that my sister had living with her for a while is a known drug dealer that the cops have been hot to get for a while now. So they're trying to get my sister to give up her dealer(s). They told her to tell them everything she knows. She asked about what. They said just tell us everything you know or we'll take your kids away. Now, my sister has no problem giving up everybody if it will help her kids out, but she's afraid of causing more trouble for herself.

Also, on Sunday my sister was served with an eviction notice. She's been renting a house from my uncle, but there's been a lot of problems. I guess she's been without hot water for more than 6 months now. The eviction notice was her 30 day notice, but the letter that my uncle gave her said that all her stuff needs to be out by the 15th, since that's when he needs to move his stuff in. Also, as of the 15th he's changing the locks and her and the kids can only come and go on his schedule. So basically, she's got less than 2 weeks to find a new place and move.

The eviction notice, on top of everything else that's going on, is the final nail in her coffin. She's sure that she's going to lose the kids. So that's where I come in. A couple of hours ago I bought three one way tickets out here. The kids will be here next week on Wednesday. A final decision hasn't been reached, but it's looking like the kids will be signed over to me. I'm becoming a mom. Or something like that.

I live with my parents and my grandma, so I'll not be alone in caring for these kids. But I already feel a great responsibility for them. I know there's a chance that the responsibility won't be mine after all, but i can't help that I'm already gearing up for it mentally. And i can't stop the tape in the back of my head going, "HOLY CRAP!!!"

Selfishness

2009-02-17T23:35:00.000-08:00

For just a few minutes I'm going to indulge my selfishness. I keep telliing everybody that I can't wish for Donny to come back because of the pain he was in. But damn it, I want him back! I miss him. And as long as wishes are being granted, I want him healthy.

By the time I met Donny he was already at the top of a very slippery slope healthwise. We didn't realize it then, but it was already the beginning of the end for him.

Donny was a painter for about 30 years. He loved painting. He loved to look at a house and see not what it already was, but what it could be. Repaints were his favorite. On new construction there usually wasn't much room for imagination, but when dealing directly with the homeowner there were tons of possibilities to be explored.

And if you wanted to know about colors, Donny was your man. He had a better eye for color than I did. Plus he could tell you what color would be murder to repaint when you got sick of it. He loved the whole process of painting, and was damn good at it.

One day Donny was painting the outside of a house that had that uneven brick finish around the bottom half of the walls. As he came running down a ladder he managed to slam his tailbone into a corner where some bricks were sticking out. It jarred his back and he was hurting so bad that he had to go home. When he was no better the next day he went to see a doctor. It was during the course of treatment for his back that he found out that he had degenerative disk disease in his back. A couple weeks later we met.

I can remeber when Donny was released to light duty at his old job, only to reinjure his back in less than a week's time. He never made it back to work.

We had been dating for a little while, and Donny was just starting to look into the possibilty of vocational rehabilitation when he fell and whacked his head one day. he hit the back of his head so hard that it gave him 2 black eyes. Shortly after the fall he started having what I later was told was absent seizures. Then as we were dealing with that we found out about his liver. (After that a doctor told us that Donny wasn't having seizures, but that his little "episodes" were caused by his ammonia levels.)

I never knew my husband at 100%, and I wish that I had. I've heard tons of stories about what he used to be like, but I don't have any actual memories from those times. I know that he loved to fish and hunt. And he played baseball. In fact, in his youth Donny pitched a fast ball that was clocked somewhere around 95 mph. I'm told that's rather impressive, but I know nothing about baseball other than the fact that I suck at it.

I want memories of my husband from when he was well. I want to be able to say that I saw him play ball at least once. i want to say that I ate a meal that he went out and killed for me. I want to know what it's like to go camping with him. But I'll never know these things, all because I met him a little too late.

I sit here crying and wishing him back, all because I want just a little more time with him. Maybe it's selfish of me to wish him back, but I do. I miss him so much.

Life

2009-02-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

Death sucks.

I'm still having a hard time grieving for Donny. I don't know how to grieve. I don't know what it looks like. So instead I stay busy. If I stay busy enough for long enough maybe I'll get through the grieving process without realizing it. Somehow I think that won't work.

I'm working six days a week right now, and at least three of them are twelve or more hours each day. This week I have four twelve hour days. And that's scheduled hours. Quite often I'm staying an extra hour or so each day. It's been crazy, and so I'm exhausted. The good thing about a schedule like that is that I don't have time to notice the void in my life that Donny left behind.

Right after Donny passed away I would go out and sit in his chair and have a cigarette with him. It was very comforting to me, and it helped a lot. But one of the women that I work with decided that our office would go smokeless this year. She pestered me so much about it that I told her that I wouldn't buy any more cigarettes after the first of the year. And I haven't, yet. I haven't had one in about a month, but I want one so bad that I want to scream. I've gone through more gum in the last month than I normally would in a year. It doesn't help. I tried te patches, but the nicotene isn't my problem. Those cravings should be gone by now. It's an emotional thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm about ready to tell te woman that I work with what she can do with herself and go buy some damn cigarettes.

I'm about to begin rambling, and I'm exhausted. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's tax season. If you're looking for a tax preparer, or simply need questions answered, I'm checking my email all the time still.

The Letter F

2009-01-21T21:30:00.000-08:00

Mielikki had this meme up and it looked like a fun challenge, so I asked to play.

Here's the scoop. If you like the meme, and want to play, leave me a comment. I will assign you a letter of the alphabet, and then you will, at your own free will, list ten things you like that begin with that letter.
I, somehow, got the letter F.

So, in no particular order, 10 things I like that begin with the letter F.

1. Free stuff. Seriously, who doesn't like free stuff?

2. French bread, especially when it's still warm. I prefer to just tear off a chunk and eat it plain if I can get it warm.

3. Fancy chocolates. I love chocolate of all kinds, but the little fancy ones are just so much fun.

4. Friendly people. I like to talk to people and hear their life stories. To me there's nothing better than meeting a really friendly stranger who'll sit down and tell you their life story. I've met some of the most interesting people that way. Then again, I've also met some real quacks.

5. Frozen yogurt. It's like icecream, but without the guilt.

6. Family. I love spending time with my family, they're very important to me. And once you're a part of my family there's no getting rid of me.

7. Facials. I've never gone to a spa and gotten a facial, but their the embodiment of girlie fun to me. My sister and I used to get all the home products and give each-other facials. They were also a common activity at sleep-overs in my teens. A night that included facials was always a fun night.

8. Fuzzy slippers. I collect them. Right now I'm wearing some that my doctor says look like tribbles. I absolutely adore big, fuzzy, strange slippers.

9. Funny movies. I love watching comedies, to the point that they're almost the only kind of movie that I watch. I love to laugh and comedies can make that happen. There's enough pain and sadness in the world, I don't need a movie to add to that. I want a movie to make me laugh.

10. Flying. I like to watch planes take off and land. I love to watch the clouds from above, so that they look like a soft carpet that would make a great place for a nap. I also like the excitement that comes with flying. Going new places and seeing new things, or visiting loved ones, or whatever, it's always exciting to fly somewhere.

Okay, that was harder than I thought it would be. The letter F? Really? Do you know how badly my mind blanked out on that one? Oh well. If you want to play, leave a comment and I'll assign you a letter.

Interview

2009-01-14T07:45:00.000-08:00

Here's the directions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the
questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview
someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask
them five questions.

1. You have taken on the brave, brave job of being a tax professional. What is the one piece of advice you offer to each and every one of your clients?

Because financial situations vary so much there isn't really one piece of advice that everyone needs. Although, if I had to pick one thing to tell everyone, it would either be "Don't be scared of the IRS." or "Save money for retirement."

2. Tell us a funny story about Donny, the funniest you can remember that makes you laugh every time you think about it.

This one was harder than I would have thought. Apparently I'm not good at coming up with stories on the spot. But there is one that I loved to give Donny a hard time about.

At one point in time Donny and I owned an old, beat-up work truck. The kind of truck where you're not surprised to see that the steering wheel is held together by duct tape. The kind of truck that you would have no problems taking it anywhere, because by the looks of it you can tell it's been to worse places than where you're headed. The kind of truck that you'll use for any job, because there's no way that you could be doing any worse to the truck than what's been done to it before. And her name was Betsy.

Donny was proud of Betsy, and wanted to be sure that we took good care of her. One of the things that he was fanatical about was checking her oil. Since before we owned her she had been leaking oil, so Donny made sure to check the level often. Donny and his best friend Robbie would go out and warm Betsy up, and then lovingly check her fluids. It was a holy rite of bonding to them. The problem was that I was actually trained by mechanics in how to properly maintain a vehicle, and I knew that the oil should never be checked warm. The engine needs to be either hot or cold, but not warm. If the engines warm you'll get a low reading. So the men would warm Betsy up, get a false low reading on her oil, and then add oil. I tried to tell them that they were doing it wrong, but what does a girl know?

There came the day that I realized that Betsy needed an oil change. I waited until I knew that Donny wouldn't feel like doing it, and then I mentioned it and offered to take betsy to the mechanic. Because of my superb timing, Donny allowed me to have the mechanic work on Betsy. When I went back to pick her up I had Donny with me. The mechanic came over and mentioned that they had added 6 quarts of oil and it still wasn't registering on the dipstick, so we may need a new dipstick. Donny never should have let me hear that.

It wasn't much after the oil change that the guys decide to go out and check my oil, since it's got that leak. I mentioned the problem with the dipstick and nicely suggested that maybe Betsy didn't really need any oil. They very nicely suggested that I didn't know what I was talking about and should let them get back to their "man work." A few weeks of the same scene being repeated and I was fed up. I finally told Donny that the only thing wrong with my truck was that he kept putting too much oil in her. I also let him know that the oil on the ground was not from a leak, but from Betsy trying valiantly to get ris of the excess oil that he kept giving her. Because of the tone that i took, Donny got rather upset with me. He saidthat he'd quit putting oil in Betsy, but that when I killed her in a couple of weeks trying to drive her with no oil that he had no way to fix or replace her, and it would be my problem. About 2 years later we traded Betsy in on the car that I have now, and I was still teasing Donny about the oil.

3. If you could live anywhere in the world, no financial limitations, where would you choose?

I thought about Arkansas, since my sister and her kids llive there. And I thought about Washington, since Donny's kids and grandkids live there. But I like where I am. And then it dawned on me, no financial limitations. So, I would buy lots of property here and build homes for all my loved ones.

4. Barbie or Skipper, and, why?

I was never into either one. By the time I was old enough to enjoy Barbies my sister had decided that she was too old for them, so naturally I decided that I was too old for them. I can remember my best friend wanting to play Barbie and getting frustrated because I thought that was for babies.

5. Did you have an imaginary friend as a child? If so, who was it? If not, what was your favorite plaything?

I never really had an imaginary friend, but I had an imaginary world. When we were little my dad used to tell my sister and I that "Only boring people get bored." I took that to heart and became one of the easiest kids to entertain of all time. I didn't need toys and playthings, I had my head. (Don't get me wrong, I still liked toys, I just didn't need them to entertain myself.)

Stop this world, I want off.

2009-01-06T23:01:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how life goes on, no matter what. I miss Donny more than I ever thought that I would. I ache for one more hug, one more kiss. I long to tell him, just one more time, how much I love him, and hear him say the same to me. I wish that I could come home and discuss how work went that day, or vent about my frustrations. And yet I can't bring myself to wish that he'd come back. He was suffering so much at the end there that I can't bring myself to wish for his return. As much as I miss him, I'm happy that he's well again.

I got a letter from social security saying that they had accidentally paid Donny's disability benefits this month, and would I please return the money? Since I know that he's not entitled to any benefits now I have no problem with that concept. However, since they never sent any money, I do have a problem with "returning" it. While I was at the social security office, waiting to straighten out this mess, I ran into an old boss of mine. We got to talking, and I found out that the same day that Donny died his wife went into a coma. I don't really understand what happened,, but I guess it doesn't look good. She got a blood clot in her leg that traveled to her lungs and then her heart. Her name is Suzanne, and I'd appreciate it if people would be praying for her and the family. She has 2 kids who are probably 10 or 11 and 13 or 14.

I'm back to work, and loving it. I manage to stay busy most of the time now, which is nice. I've already had 3 different people come to me to get a jump start on their taxes. I'm hoping to stay very busy for a while now. I need the distraction. It amazes me to what extent I don't know what to do with myself. I've been taking care of Donny for so long now that it seems wrong to be able to make last minute plans. And when I'm home I'm at a loss about what to do. I end up wandering through the house and getting nothing accomplished. What am I supposed to do with the time that I used to spend with Donny?

Well, it's late, and I have to work tomorrow, so I should probably head to bed. Besides, I think I'm almost exhausted enough to actually go to sleep.

Life

2008-12-21T22:33:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how the world goes on. Friday and Saturday I stayed home and spent time with my family. On Friday I went to the grocery store. It went okay until I went to get the chocolate cake that I was asked to bring home. There was double fudge cake or german chocolate and I was having a hard time deciding which kind to get. I thought that I should call Donny and see which sounded better to him and it hit all over again. I had to walk away and compose myself so I could go back and just grab one.

This morning I went to church. It was good for me. After church a couple that I'm friends with came over and helped me set up the christmas tree. We hadn't planned on decorating for Christmas, but with the grandkids coming I needed to. The girls want to celebrate Christmas with me this year, so I needed to at least make some effort to be ready. This evening I went to Bible study at a friend's house. I went early and had dinner with her, it was nice and relaxing.

Tomorrow I'm headed to my mother-in-law's for a visit and to drop off a cd of pictures. My niece has volunteered to do a collage of pictures on a poster board for Donny's memorial service. At 2:00 I'm meeting with my pastor to plan Donny's service. I'm hoping to also get a few things done around the house. There are still presents that need wrapped. My aunt and uncle let their dog sleep with them on my parent's bed so it needs stripped and everything washed, since my mom's allergic to dogs.

Staying busy should help. I'm trying hard not to let my mind get too active. I keep being plagued with questions. My biggest question is whether or not it would have made any difference if I had gotten Donny to the hospital. I knew he was sick. As I went in to our room on Thursday morning I was think about how if he slept like he had the day before then I would need to take him in. I feel so guilty for not taking him to the hospital. Because there was no autopsy I'll probably never have my answer. I just hope that I can learn to live with the wondering.

December 18, 2008

2008-12-18T21:23:00.000-08:00

I will remember today for the rest of my life. I will remember it for the horror and for the sadness. I will also remember it for the overwhelming kindness and love shown to me today. Today I discovered my village.

A little before 8:00 this morning I went into my bedroom to put together Donny's medicine for the day. As I was walking in there I was thinking about how if Donny spent today sleeping like he did yesterday that I would need to take him to the hosputal. As I was passing the foot of the bed I laid a hand on his leg and realized that it was cold. I had the thought that I needed to cover him up, and the I stopped to look at his chest. It's actually been a habit lately to watch Donny in his sleep until I see something move, just to be sure. The problem was that I couldn't see any movement. As I laid my hand in a couple other places I realized that he was unnaturally cold. I felt for a pulse, and then went to get my uncle. My uncle was in there for less than 30 seconds when he came out and called 911. Donny was gone.

I called my sister by other parents and she got there the same time as the cops. She held my hand as the police officer asked me questions about Donny. She took the phone away from me and called family. She asked our pastor to come. She kept all the phones and fielded all the calls. As she did this my uncle dealt with the paramedics, police and the guys from the mortuary. I still don't know who called the mortuary for me. Michelle took me to the bank to get Donny's ATM card deactivated. She took me to the mortuary to finalize details. She took me home with her to avoid people I didn't want to see. Three times today she set food in front of me and made me eat it. She got me through the day.

The list of people who called asking to be allowed to do something for me is so long that I'm afraid I can't remember it all. Several people from the church called. Lots of family called. My manager from H&R Block called. One of the girls from my office. One of our local police officers stopped by while I was gone and left his business card. He used to come sit and visit with Donny, so I'm sure it was just a condolance call. Our doctor called and said that if there's anything that he can do to let him know. The number of people who have specifically said that they don't mind if I call in the middle of the night is amazing. I'm overwhelmed at the love and support that came today.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I should feel. One minute I'm marveling at the number of people who love us, and the next I'm crying about the idea of trying to go on. Mostly I feel numb. I worry that I'll keep feeling numb. It's a pettern for me. I worry that I'll quit being numb. I'm scared to feel the loss. I'm not ready for it. We knew this was coming, I tried to get ready, but how do you prepare for the death of the love of your life? I don't know . I don't know anything anymore.

Hello out there.

2008-11-26T17:33:00.000-08:00

I've been doing the early open line of credit at work, so I've been busy, but there's been plenty going on. I'll start with work.

As I said, I'm back at work already. My job is to take applications for a line of credit. We do them online and the customer gets an instant response. Of course, when the program was launched nationally the traffic overwhelmed the computers, and they went out. Our computers have been down since Monday, and they won't be up again until Friday. This means that Friday is going to be one hell of a day. We have 65 people coming in with appointments, plus we take walk-ins. We're going to be hopping all day.

The other day my manager told me that there's a man who's opening a franchise in the little town that's about 5 miles from where I live. He had approached my district manager looking for someone experienced who could help him out. She thought of me and talked to my manager about it. My manager think that this is a great opportunity that I shouldn't pass up on. I would be splitting my time between the new office and the one that I worked in last year. It sounds exciting, but I'm just not sure. I told my manager to have the district manager go ahead and pass my number on, that I would like to talk to him. I'm waiting to see if he calls, but I'm not holding my breath.

Now on to my personal life.

My mom saw the surgeon yesterday for a post op follow up from her gastric bypass. He thinks that the opening leading into her stomach is closing and that she needs surgery to reopen it. He wants her to get it done before she goes to Arkansas in a couple of weeks. Normally this is done as an outpatient procedure, but because of haw far away we live he wants mom to spend one night in the hospital. It sounds really simple, I just hope that my mom doesn't feel the need to complicate it.

Donny had an ultrasound of his abdomen done today. At the end of it the tech went and got the radiologist to come in and take a look at his portal vein. Apparently it's flowing backwards now. The radiologist said that when Donny had his last ultrasound done they had noticed that it would flow backwards intermittently, but now it's just flowing backwards all the time. How is that even possible? How does it not mess up the rest of the circulatory system for one part to flow the wrong way? And what does that mean overall? Is there anything that can be done about it? Is there any reason to even try? What now? I'm really freaked out about this, but I can't let on to Donny that I am. He gets really stressed really easily. If he knew how bad I was freaking out on the inside he would completely lose it.

Okay, I think that's all that's going on for now. That's enough for me.

Life

2008-11-14T15:40:00.000-08:00

That old saying about when it rains it pours seems to be accurate. There is so much crap going on right now that I don't even know where to start.

My mom got a call on Friday or Saturday that her mom was really ill and in ICU. She was on 100% oxygen and still having a hard time with her breathing. Her heart wasn't doing well. She was in a coma. There was some confusion about whether or not the coma was drug induced. Getting a reliable report was difficult. The one thing that came through loud and clear was that grandma was not expected to survive.

On Tuesday my mom got a call that my aunt had decided to move grandma to hospice so that they could just administer comfort care. During that phone call she also said that the high school that 4 of her grandkids attend had a violent stabbing occur on campus that day. From what I've gathered it seems that a guy walked up to a girl in the hallway, grabbed her from behind, and slit her throat. One of my cousins walked into the hallway right afterward. He didn't see the actual crime, but he saw all the gore. That includes the girl laying on the floor screaming, saying that she was dying and begging for help. Because of this incident school was cancelled and my aunt had all 4 traumatized teens with her as she was dealing with taking her own mother off of life support.

Today my mom got the call that her mother has passed away. Even though we were expecting it this has hit my mom like a ton of bricks. She desperately wants to go for the funeral. Travel plans are in the works, but it's not as easy as jump in the car and go. A few weeks ago mom fell and hurt her back. Wednesday was the first time in a few weeks that mom even attempted driving. To make a trip of a couple thousand miles would require that she take some heavy duty pain killers. If mom takes the pain killers then she can't drive. If dad takes her out for the funeral it could possibly mess up my parents trip that they have planned for December. They're supposed to go see my sister and her kids, who none of us have seen in 4 and a half years. I'm supposed to start back to work tomorrow, so hopping in a car and going isn't as easy as it would seem.

And as all of this is happening I'm watching Donny get worse and worse and there's nothing that I can do about it. It's getting harder for him to breathe. He's sick to his stomach all the time. Hardly anything will stay down. He's had to start wearing diapers because of the incontinence issues. His legs are going out on him, he has a hard time standing or walking. I worry constantly about him. I wish that this could be easier, or more dignified. I often wonder just how much worse this is going to get. And how long can I continue to take care of him?

Okay, enough self pity, I need to go help mom pack.

Updates

2008-11-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday I took my mom to ER fo back pain. As we sat in the waiting room my mom looks at me and says, "You know, this is all your fault. You haven't posted on your blog for a while, so I figured that I'd give you something to write about." I guess that means it's time for another post.

The trip to ER was actually rather uneventful. Mom had fallen, so they did an xray of her back, There was no damage to the bones, apparently it's a muscular injury. The only thing that happened that bothered me was that the triage nurse forgot to put a name band on my mom. She got the red band for allergies, and a pink and white checked band that we culdn't figure out, but no name band. At first we thought that the number on the checked band might be a replacement, but everybody else coming out of triage had it and a nae band. (They actuall had name bands on each wrist.) The nurse in back noticed the mistake and put a name band on my mom's left wrist.

Other than that, things have been pretty normal around here. Donny's still sick, I'm still dealing with it to the best of my abilities. I had my job interview for tax season and it went amazingly well. During offseason a random sampling of clients were called and asked to do a quality control survey. The highest rating that could be given was a 4, and I got an average of 3.3. The other numbers that my district manager went over with me were high as well. It was a really great interview and I'm looking forward to going back to work. I applied to return to work early, so I should be starting in a couple of weeks.

I wold writ mor, but this keyboard is possessed. It keeps skipping letters that I'm typing and randomly inserting letters or numbers in a long string, like the button is stuck. A new keyboard has been ordered, so hopefully it will be here soon

Caffeine

2008-10-17T02:56:00.000-07:00

I started a new class tonight, and it's kicking my ass. This is the first time that I've been told that when I'm dealing with a return involving what I'm learning that it will automatically take at least 2 appointments. There is so much involved when doing a return with a foreclosure on it that there is no way to complete it accurately in a time span that it's reasonable to expect the client to sit there. With that much going on, that means there's a lot to learn.

I took this class because I'm expecting to see several people with foreclosures come into our office. The way that things have been going I think that it's a safe bet. I was talking to a preparer with 18 years of experience and this was a lot for her. When I told her that I'm headed in to my second tax season she said, "So this class is over your head, huh?" And that's about how I feel. And the fact that the instructor crammed 3 hours worth of material into 2 hours just made it worse.

To help me get through class my friend, Michelle, bought me a couple bottles of coke. The caffeine and the sugar seemed like a good idea at the time. Now it's 3:00 in the morning and I can't get to sleep. This wouldn't be such a problem, but I have class at 9:00, which means leaving at 8:00. So I need to get up in 4 hours, and I can't go to sleep. This is going to kill me.

Me

2008-10-05T16:11:00.000-07:00

I just realized how long it's been since I've posted. It's amazing how during the day something will happen that I think would make an interesting post, but when I sit down at the computer I have no clue what it was.

The problem hasn't been not having anything to say, it's been not wanting to say it. I've been having an identity crisis and I haven't wanted to talk about it. Since this is the place where I promised myself that I would always be honest, I've avoided it like the plague.

I think that I've got a handle on the identity crisis now, but it's still not something that I want to put out there for anybody to read. I've had to be honest enough with myself to admit that there are some things that are too personal to put in writing. This is why I never kept a diary as a teenager. Because seiously, that would have been my sister's favorite book to read, no matter how well I thought I had it hidden.

The problem with having an identity crisis is that it'll throw the most level person into a depression. When you're already battling depression, it throws you into pits of despair. I know that I've talked before about the fact that I battle depression, but I often wonder if anybody who doesn't deal with clinical depression can really understand what it's like. The black cloud, the fog, the lack of any drive to do anything. The way that the simplest task seems overwhelming. And then there's the toll that it takes on your family. It's really more than I could ever hope to acurately describe.

The fact that I'm back gives me hope. I'm returning to the land of the living. Of course, I'm not cured, there'll always be that battle. But for the moment I appear to be winning. And for the moment, that's enough.

My Favorite Man

2008-09-12T00:14:00.000-07:00

There is a very special man in my life whom I never talk about. His name (for the purposes of this blog) is Michael. Michael is the son of some really close friends of the family. His mom is the sister I always had and never wanted. (Seriously, I feel the same about her as I do my sister that I grew up with.) For the purposes of this blog we'll call her Michelle. (The reason for fake names is that she's extremely paranoid about the internet and doesn't want me to use real names. This paranoia is also why you'll never see pictures of this part of my family.)

Michelle has 2 older children from a previous marriage, both of whom I'm allowed to talk about all I want. (They're old enough to make that decision for themselves and they don't have that paranoia.) Michael was a late(r) in life surprise. Michelle's the boyfriend (now husband) had been told that he was unable to father children, so imagine their surprise when they got the news. So now her kids are 19, 17 (18 in November) and 3. Although I love all 3 children, Michael has a special place in my heart.

The day that Michael was born I went to the hospital and sat there and held him for about 3 hours. Ever since that day that child has had me wrapped around his little finger, and he knows it. If Michael wants a treat he'll come ask me. If he wants somebody to play with, I'm the one he looks for. There was a new couple at our church that confided in me that they'd been attending the church for a few weeks before they figured out that Michael's not my son. In fact, they only figured it out when they heard him call me "Uncle Jamie". (Don't ask, he's a little confused about titles, but I think it's cute.)

A couple days ago my mom was talking to Michelle on the phone, so I had her ask if Michael could come play. I had been missing him and I thought that Michelle could use the break. When Michael got here I was in the process of making soup for my mom, so he had me put him in his spot, and he helped me cook. (Michael and I have been cooking together since he was 1.) He put the carrots in the soup, and helped me stir. At one point he looked at me and started asking for something, but I couldn't understand him. I took him into the living room and had him repeat it to his mom, but she didn't have a clue either. Finally my mom told me that he wanted the garlic. Michelle was amazed that he even knew what garlic was, since she doesn't let him cook at home. (Quick tip: put an appropriate amount of spice into a small bowl and let the kid dump that in. About a year ago I had some eggs that taught me that lesson in a way that I'll never forget.)

Pretty soon we were done making soup, but we weren't ready to be done cooking. So I grabbed a cake mix out of the cupboard and we baked a cake together. Cakes mixes are great at his age because they go together quick, but you still get to crack eggs. (Just a tip: crack the egg into a separate bowl, that way it's easier to pick the shell out.) Michael surprised me with his egg cracking expertise, there was no shell to pick out. We took turns mixing the batter, but I couldn't convince the boy to try licking the spoon. Strange child.

Once the cake was in the oven Michael was ready to play for a while. He wanted to go out back, but needed an adult to go with him. Because Michael's developed a habit of referring to himself in the first person we've been making a point of trying to get him to use the word I. So when he came to me and said, "Michael needs to play outside." I told him to say, "I need to play outside. That's when the child gave me a funny look and said, "Uncle Jamie needs to play outside." I gave up and just went out back with him. On the way he stopped and kicked his mom out of the house. He definitely does not have separation anxiety issues.

We got done playing in the backyard just in time to pull the cake out of the oven. That's when Micchael decided to go visit Uncle Moo-Moo (Donny). Out to the garage he went, where he climbed up in my chair and settled in for a visit with his uncle. Of course Donny immediately switched the Tv over to cartoons for the kid, and then started looking for the candy that I had told him earlier not to give to Michael. (By this time we'd already had a popsicle, since he knows that I always have some in my freezer for him.)

When Michael finally got done visiting with Uncle Moo-Moo he decided that he wanted to cook some more. Since we had made a lemon cake earlier, I decided that a lemon icing would be a good thing. I put Michael up on the counter and grabbed a bag of powdered sugar. I turned to grab the milk, and when I turned back to where Michael was, he had poured powdered sugar in a frying pan that was sitting on the stove. That would have been a lot less messy if there hadn't been a thin layer of oil on the bottom of the pan. So we got the icing started, and I realized that I needed more powdered sugar. This wasn't a problem, since my grandma keeps a big plastic tub of it on the buffet. There's also a big plastic tub of flour over there, so when I opened the tub up I tasted the contents to be sure that I had the right thing. Michael saw this and asked if he could taste too. Since I knew he would be going home soon I saw no harm in this and let him. I then got him a small measuring cup and got him busy scooping sugar into the bowl for me. He also got a lesson in how to work a Kitchen Aid mixer. (The first lesson being never, ever stick your hand in the bowl.) Of course, by the end of our icing making he had given up all pretense of putting sugar in the bowl, and was simply sitting there eating straight powdered sugar and telling me how good it was.

We iced the cake, something else that I realized he had never done before. I had handed him the knife (a butterknife) so that he could do it before I learned this important tidbit. He got a lesson in why using the knife to gouge out chunks of cake is not the accepted norm for icing a cake. It was my turn to do the icing again when I had to teach him why randomely sticking your fingers into the cake to make holes also is not the accepted norm for icing a cake.

When Michelle came to pick Michael up she got a wired little boy and a cake for their dessert that night. We had a ball.

Monterey, part 3 (the conclusion)

2008-09-08T23:26:00.000-07:00

The same day as surgery was Donny's birthday. My mom had made me promise that I would do something with Donny for his birthday, but I still really wanted to see her. We went back to the hospital to check on her, but she kicked us out and told us to go celebrate. We went back to the motel to decide what to do.

Donny finally decided that he'd rather get some baseball cards and a baseball card magazine than go out and celebrate, so we headed to WalMart. I have to admit to being relieved, since I really didn't want to go out either. I ended up buying a big jug of orange juice while we were at the store. We then went back to our room and I laid in bed and drank orage juice. (Anybody who knows me knows that this is a bad sign, since I hate orange juice, but crave it like mad when I'm sick.) I drank almost half a gallon of ornge juice before I finally passed out. The day had finally caught up with me.

The next few days were spent visiting my mom in the morning, going to the room for a nap in the afternoon, and then back to the hospital in the evening. For the first couple of days mom did really good. She was progressing as expected and all seemed to be well, she was due to be discharged from the hospital on Thursday.

Thursday morning my mom started having severe pain. It was in her lower right abdomen, and the cramps were worse than giving birth to a 10 pound baby. (Yes, I was huge.) Because of the placement the doctor was baffled as to what the cause could be. He decided to give it a day and see how she was doing. In the meantime though she was recieving 4mg of morphine by IV every 1/2 hour, along with her liquuid lortab. They finally figured out that if they gave her both medications at the same time she'd actually get the pain controlled enough to sleep for a little while.

On Friday morning I arrived at the hospital at 7:00 a.m. to make sure that I didn't miss seeing the doctor. He talked to my mom and when she told him that the pain wasn't getting any better he decided to run a few more tests. He did a urine test looking for a UTI. He tested the stuff coming out of the drainage tube in her stomach to make sure that there wasn't too much of something in it, I can't remember what he was looking for now. And he ordered a CT scan to see if they could see the problem that way.

Around lunchtime the hospital called the doctor at his office and gave him the results of all the tests that had been run. He hopped in his car and drove across town to come deal with the problem immediately. Apparently mom's drainage tube had slipped down and that was the cause of all the pain. The doctor came in and removed himself because he wanted to be sure that removing it really did alleviate the pain. My mom said that immediately she felt better. She still had the soreness expected after surgery, but nothing like before.

Mom was kept one more night in the hospital, just to make sure that all was well again, and then she was finally allowed to come home. Even with all the pain she still says that it's worth it.

Monterey, part 2

2008-09-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

Tuesday morning, 5:00 a.m. my alarm goes off. Since it was the alarm on my cell phone it sounded like a phone ringing. I was expecting this, so I thought nothing of it. Donny and my grandma, on the other hand, were both scared. Apparently they thought that somebody was calling us, and at that time of the morning phone calls are never good news.

Grandma and I both got up and dressed, and we were off. Mom was to arrive at the hospital at 6:00 a.m., and we wanted to meet her there. As we were pulling into the parking lot I realized that since I had left my cell phone with Donny I had no way to know where to find my parents. My solution was to drive around the parking lot looking for their car, and then use that entrance. I was hoping for signs leading to the surgical waiting room once we got inside.

That hospital has a big circular drive thing that leads to the main doors, and as we were going through it we happened to see my parents through a window. I zipped back around the drive, put the car in park and jumped out. By the time that I got in the front doors I managed to get a glimpse of my parents turning a corner. I went running after them, but they had a good start. I finally started hollering down the hallway to get my dad's attention. Of course, he just glanced back, and kept right on going. He figured if I followed him I'd find them. He had no clue that I was illegally parked and desperately trying to get back to my car. I finally hollered out that I had no clue where he was going. He turned and told me that they were there, so I turned and ran the other way. As I got to the front door I ran into my grandma, who had just made it inside. I pointed her in the right direction, and then went out to my car that was hanging open with the engine running.

After I parked I went in and the waiting began. Only one person was allowed in with my mom at that point, so we sat in the waiting room and tried to entertain ourselves. My dad finally came out and let us know that mom was showering with some special soap and then we could go see her. So then it was time to wait and try to entertain mom.

About 7:45 mom went to surgery, and we all decided to go to the cafe for some breakfast. Except the cafe doesn't open until 8:30. We sat and waited. We waited and sat. Somewhere in there we finally got some breakfast. Around 11:00 the doctor came out and let us know that surgery had been successful. He said that he was able to do it laproscopically, but because of her weight he had to use more pressure than he had thought would be required. Of course I didn't think to ask him to explain that remark, but I'm guessing that he's referring to the air that they had to put in her abdomen to make it possible to work in there. We were told that she'd be in recovery for about 2 hours and then she would go to her room, and that we couldn't see her until she got to her room. I suggested that we all go back to my motel room to wait, and we could have sandwiches for lunch while we were there. My dad didn't want to leave the hospital though, so it was just our family friend that was there and myself who went back.

Around 1:00 we went to see my mom and she looked pretty good.Some other friends of the family were there to see my mom, so her room was pretty full, and I couldn't really get over by her to see her though. I ended up taking their 3 year old son out to see the fishies (in the fountain in the main lobby) and try to let things settle down. I went back to my mom's room to return the kid and try to see my mom. Within 60 seconds of arriving at her room my dad handed me his cell phone and said that I needed to call my sister back. It was suggested that if I went to the seating area around the corner I might be able to hear better. As I hung up the phone from talking to my sister Donny came and found me to let me know that he was tired and needed to go back to the motel. So I finally got close enough to kiss my mom, and we left.

Monterey, part 1

2008-09-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

Monday morning I did the last minute packing and loaded up the car. I then told my grandma that it was time to go and went to get Donny. I got him to quit worrying about senseless stuff and get in the car, and then I got in and we waited for my grandma to come out. And we waited. And we waited. I finally went in to see what the holdup was and found her sitting in her chair doing a puzzle. Apparently, she had seen the extra ice chest that Donny had gotten out and figured that we weren't ready since everything wasn't out yet. So I got her in the car and we took off.

We got about a haslf hour down the road before stopping for breakfast. I got grandma inside and seated at the table, and there was no Donny. He was still out at the car, for reasons that I still don't understand. I finally got him inside and we were able to have a good breakfast.

We got to the hotel around noon and I swore that I would never travel with both Donny and my grandma again. (She took her hearing aids out so that she wouldn't have to listen to him, so he got louder. She still couldn't understand what he said, so he made me repeat it. They get along great, and they love to harass each other, but I don't want to be a part of it.) I unloaded the car and got the 3 icechests arranged.

Before going over it had been decided that Monday night the family would all have dinner together. Because my mom had to take some medicine to clean her out for surgery the next day it was decided that dinner would be a picnic in my parents room. We arrived and I grabbed the bin that had all the non-perishable food in it. I lug it into my parents room and my mom tells me that she's feeling better so we're going to a park instead. So I lug the bin back out to the car and make sure that mny dad understands that a long hike to the picnic table is not a good idea. My dad had looked on the computer and saw that there was a park across the street, and the picture even showed a picnic table. We drive around to where the park is supposed to be, to find a smally grassy strip on the side of the road with a picnic table. It was not all it was cracked up to be, so we dicide to go somewhere else. After following my dad around Monterey for a half hour (listenin to Donny whine about needing a bathroom the whole time) he finally finds a little park and stops. It was lovely, with lots of families with toddlers and preschool age children bringing their kids there to play. We settled in and had a great time.

After dinner we needed to go to my grandma's bank, and I wanted to find the hospital while it was still light out, so that there would be no problems in the morning. I had my dad look the bank up on his computer, and he gave me directions and an address. I then had him give me directions to the hospital, and we were on our way. I decided to go to the hospital first, and then we'd swing by the bank on our way back to the motel. Driving down the freeway I started looking for the exit that I had been told to take. I saw the name of the street that I remebered from the map and so I got off the freeway. I found it a little odd that there was no sign saying that there was a hospital at this exit, but I thought that I migh have missed it. That was just a fleeting thought though, because I wasn't all the way down the exit when I realized that I'd made a mistake. I wanted exit 399A and this was exit 399C. Oops. So i went to the shopping center that was right there and turned around to get back on the freeway and try again. The only problem was that there was no on ramp going the way that I wanted to go. Of course, right after you go under the freeway there the road turns into a winding mountain road with no good place to turn around. So now we're driving through the foothills, no idea where we are or where we're going, when I realize that the road has become a road that I recognize the name of. I still don't know where we are or where we're going, but I've gained a llittle confidence that if I stay on that road we'll get unlost eventually. And we did. When we found the freeway again Donny wouldn't let me try again at finding the hospital. Instead we went to the bank and then to the motel. We needed to get to bed early because we had to get before the sun the next day.

Preparations

2008-08-31T00:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I started preparing for our trip to Monterey. I had a couple of loads of laundry to do, so I figured I'd get those out of the way first. Lately I've really had to keep up with the laundry since a bunch of our clothes have been missing. I started thinking about packing and went out to the garage to find an empty bin to pack nonperishable food in. Those plastic bins that say they hold 73 quarts are a great size for packing in.

So I'm going through all the bins in the garage, looking for the one that'll be easiest to empty, when I come across a bin of clothes. Not neatly folded, let's store these until we need them, clothes. No, I'm talking about haphazardly, gotta get these out of here, tossed in clothes. So I take the bin in and add the clothes to my laundry. Now I haver the bin I need, but I'm curious. So I go out and look around some more. After the third bin that I found like that I decided to quit looking. I did laundry all day long, and still had 2 loads left to deal with today. And when I say that I did laundry all day, I mean that as soon as the machines were done I was rotating laundry. Thank God we have large capacity machines, otherwise I'd never get done.

A trip to remember

2008-08-26T01:15:00.000-07:00

One week from today my mom is having gastric bypass surgery. I'm so excited for her. She's been trying for a long time to get this surgery, and it's finally happening. The only thing is, it's happening in Monterey. And it's happening on Donny's birthday. In an effort to get him to look at the bright side I pointed out that this way he gets his birthday in Monterey.

The whole family is going down on the first. That night we're having a picnic on the beach to celebrate. (Of course, mom can only have clear liquids that day, so no picnic food for her.) I'm taking sandwich fixings and pasta salad, and maybe some fruit. A friend of ours who's going to be in the area that week is joining us for the picnic. It should be a nice little party.

The next day we have to be up bright and early since mom's scheduled to go into surgery at 7:30 a.m. We haven't been told what time to arrive, but I would guess somewhere between 5:30 and 6:30. (This is why we're not waiting to that day to drive over.) After mom comes out of surgery and we know that all went well I'm leaving the hospital to take Donny to celebrate his birthday. My dad will stay there until sometime in the evening, and then he's coming home.

Donny and I are staying in Monterey until my mom is discharged from the hospital. I told my mom that there was no way that I was going to have her laying in the hospital without any family near by to help her. I can't handle that.

The biggest problem in all of this is paying for a trip to Monterey. Even with finding a p;lace to stay that only $50 a night we're still looking at about $200 for a room. Which is why I'll be packing an ice chest with food. We simply can't afford to eat out, so we're doing this the redneck way. Not only am I bringing food, but there's dishes to consider. And Donny's bringing the toaster oven so that we can cook. Which means we need to take dishes for cooking. And don't forget the potholders. And dishsoap, a week without it is an awful thought.

And all of this is why packing feels like we're moving. I may feel like a redneck, but there's absolutely no way that my mom is getting left in a hospital with no family there for her. Not on my watch.

Drama

2008-08-17T23:24:00.000-07:00

It's starting to settle down now, but things have been crazy here this last week. To tell the story properly I'm going to have to go a little further back, but please allow me to share the drama with you.

Early in July a some friends of ours were finalizing the purchase of their home. It was supposed to be finalized mid-May, but one problem after another held things up. They were due to sign final papers on a Monday, so the Friday before they were given the keys so that they could start painting. Technically they shouldn't have been in the house, but it had taken so long that everyone decided to look the other way and let them get going.

A friend of my mom, who happened to have nothing to do, volunteered to help with the painting. He didn't know the friends who were moving, but he wanted something to do. On Sunday morning he was on top of a ladder doing a very high wall when it went out from under him. This of course translated to a nice long ride to the ER in an ambulance. My mom went with him since she was the one who knew him.

That Sunday afternoon I talked to my mom and it was decided that I would go sit at the hospital witth her. Mostly I was worried that my mom wasn't taking care of herself, so I went to make sure that she was okay. Because the fall had happened fairly earlky in the morning it ended up being that neither mom nor Bob had eaten anything all day. I arrived around dinner time and brought them tuna sandwiches. I stayed until Bob was settled in a room and my mom was ready to leave.

When all was said and done, Bob ended up having surgery on his knee, and will need a follow up surgery in a couple of months. Because of Bob's living situation he wasn't able to go home from the hospital. (Upstairs apartment, a tall bed that requires a running leap for an average height adult to get into, nobody there to care for him, knee immobilizer, etc.) Because Bob is from England there was no family for him to go to. This is why Bob ended up staying with us.

From the time that Bob arrived in our home Donny was jealous of him. I actually had several arguments with Donny about the jealousy. I saw no harm in the fact that Bob seemed to enjoy talking to me, and I didn't see what Donny was talking about when he said that Bob was interested in me. (Just to make things clear, it's not like I'm a supermodel who normally has men falling at her feet. In fact, I'm not even a regular model.) Bob would come sit with me and talk, but that seemed normal to me.

Then things started getting wierd. Bob started talking a lot about wanting a relationship, and how good he would be to a woman. He also started telling me how much he wants more kids, even though I had previously heard him say that he doesn't want more children. He seemed to be trying to manufacture ways to be alone with me. There was one night that he seemed to be trying to maneuver things so that he and I would wind up going to dinner, just the 2 of us. There was the time that Donny was telling me about something that had happened to him that day, and he got rather loud in the process. Bob came out to the garage where we were to tell Donny not to yell at me. (Nevermind the fact that Donny wasn't yelling at me, or that it's not Bob's place to get in the middle of how Donny and I handle our relationship.) And then there were the times that he'd pull me aside to tell me how badly Donny's treating me and how I deserve so much more. (That may be true, but it was just awkward coming from him.) It finally got bad enough that I asked my mom to help me work things so that I wouldn't be alone with Bob anymore.

Interspersed with all this drama that involved me was more drama between Bob and Donny that I wasn't a part of. A few weeks back Donny got a couple of boxes of patches to help him quit smoking. The only problem was that once he got them he decided that he wasn't ready to quit. Bob was aware that Donny had gotten the patches, and took it upon himself to consistently bug Donny about using them. His way of doing so was to ask Donny about in a tone of voice that left you with no doubt that he knew the answer to the question and was only asking to rub it in. It was just strange. He also took to making snide comments about Donny's personal hygeine. (When Donny's not doing well he gets bad about it, but nobody wants to hear the snide comments, especially in their own home.)

Things just got progressively worse, until it hit the point that Donny and I were staying in our room or in the garage all the time. Separating Donny from Bob was all I could do to keep the problems from getting worse. By this time other problems had come up that caused the arrangement to be that Bob was staying with the friends who he had been painting for at night and coming to our house during the day. I stayed away from Bob when he was at our house because I simply couldn't deal with what was going on with him, and it helped keep Donny calm.

Last Wednesday afternoon Bob was taking a nap in my grandma's bedroom, and Donny was asleep in the garage. When Donny woke up he came into the house and spent some time with me in our bedroom. We were having a good day and when he stepped out of our room he was in a good mood. The next thing I knew he was yelling at Bob in the living room. I went and got Donny and took him to the garage to calm him down and find out what happened. Apparently, Bob had told Donny that he had been trying to nap and asked him not to slam the garage door. (The garage door automatically closes behind you, and it slams if you don't catch it.) Donny was livid tthat this guy was now "ordering him around in his own home". I got Donny calmed down enough for me to go deal with the problem, and went to talk to my mom to ask for ideas on the best way of handling it. I was still in my mom's room when I heard Donny come in the house and head for the restroom. I stepped into the hall in time to hear Bob ask Donny if he had calmed down yet. I was almost to the living room when I saw Donny kick the back of Bob's chair. I got to him before he could hit Bob.

This was the point at which I grabbed Donny and told him to get in the car. I had no idea about a long term solution, I just knew that I had to separate the two men before things got any worse. I can't afford to bail Donny out of jail right now. We went for a long drive that ended up being an adventure in and of itself. The evening ended on a good note, we really enjoyed the time that we spent together that evening. Bob has not been back to our house since then, but there's nothing decided about possible future visits. He is a friend of my parents after all.

I summed this up to my mom by saying, "Those two are like a couple of dogs marking their territory. Which would be kind of funny if I weren't the fire hydrant."

Healthcare Advocacy

2008-08-11T23:28:00.001-07:00

There's been a lot going on here, which means that I haven't had a chance to post lately.

Donny's health seems to be even more iffy than usual lately. I'm not sure if there's something going on underneath the surface, or if this is his new good. Two weeks ago I had to take Donny to the doctor for pneumonia. Last week I had him in for his regular monthly appointment. Tomorrow I'm taking him in for a suspected baldder or urinary tract infection. His overall health seems to be worse than normal, but there's no specific symptoms that I can report to a doctor. .

I will, however, be letting the doctor know about him passing out yesterday. We had gone for a drive, and Donny was really relaxed and seemed to be enjoying himself. All of a sudden he passed out. I had my hand on his knee and he just slumped forward across my arm. So I'm doing 60 down a backroad, trying to slow down and pull over, while using one arm to get Donny upright so that I can make sure that he's breathing. It took about 4 tries, but I finally got him pushed into an upright position. The jolt of flopping back brought him to, and he seemed okay after a minute. I have no idea what caused it, but it sure scared me.

When Donny saw his doctor last week I was talking to him about Donny's insurance and about medications, which caused me to come home and look at all his medicines again. That's when I discovered that, without telling us, the doctor cut one of his medicines in half, but wrote the prescription for a 2 month supply. Since I got the same amount, I didn't look at what the label on the bottle said. For almost a month I gave him the same dose as always. I'm frustrated that nothing was said because it caused a problem with having enough pills. Fortunately, the doctor's office is going to give us samples to get Donny through until his next refill.

Next month Donny goes on Medicare. It's good, because it should open doors for seeing specialists, but it's bad because it's going to mess with his medicines again. Since he's getting the part D prescription coverage I'm going to have to figure out what's covered under the nerw formulary so that we know what's going to need changed. It's all such a pain to keep track of, but if I don't do it then there'll be an even bigger headache when it's time to fill prescriptions again.

I get so tired of having to be an advocate. There is so much that I simply don't understand about healthcare that I feel like I'm constantly about three steps behind. I hate that feeling, but if I don't do it, then who will? It's up to me to make sure that Donny is getting the care that he needs, but I often feel like I don't have a clue about what he needs. Should I be fighting to get him in to a GI doc who can see him more than once every 6 months? Is there such a thing as a lung specialist? And if so, should I be asking for a referral? Should I be asking for a liver biopsy to be done? Does it matter? Should I be pushing to get him a prescription for a rescue inhaler that makes it so he doesn't run out long before the next one is due? Should I be getting the doctor to teach Donny better management of the rescue inhaler he has? There arte always way more questions than answers.

Pity Party

2008-08-03T00:28:00.000-07:00

July 31 was my mom's birthday. We had a barbeque in the park. A couple of families that we're friends with joined us and we all had a great time. Because Donny has pneumonia again he wasn't able to join us. The heat was just too intense for him to spend that much time outside. It was nice for me because I was able to relax and enjoy things more without him there.

I've been finding it true a lot lately that I'm more relaxed and enjoy myself more when Donny's not with me. I feel guilty because I shouldn't be that way with my husband. In fact, because he's so ill I should be treasuring every moment that I have with him, but I don't. In fact, I sometimes dread the time that we spend together. I look for excuses to not be with him.

The hardest part is that I don't like being with him because he's not the man that I married. Gone is the loving husband who did his best to put me first. Gone is the man that I could spend hours talking to without running out of anything to say. Gone is my confidant who never judged me, no matter what I told him. Now I have a selfish, hateful man living with me. If I'm not careful about what I tell him he'll use what I say to put me down. My needs are no longer a priority, his needs and wants always come first. If I don't watch my step he'll tell me what an awful wife I am.

The worst part is that I'm starting to believe him.

Ranting and musing

2008-07-29T01:01:00.000-07:00

Donny's been driving me crazy lately. Ever since my parent's friend, Bob, came to stay here while he heals Donny has been awful. He's insanely jealous about Bob, to the point that I have to be very careful not to even mention him. It's absolutely awful. This morning when I got up I came into the office without talking to anybody. (I was feeling less than human and wasn't ready to be nice and polite.) A little while later Donny stuck his head around the door to tell me good morning and joke with me for a minute, then he went into the restroom. Donny saying good morning made Bob aware that I was in here so he came in to say good morning. I spent then next couple of hours calming Donny down from the horror of coming out of the restroom to find his wife exchanging brief pleasantries with another man. It was awful.

Add to that bit of drama the fact that I'm pretty sure that Donny has pneumonia again. His breathing sounds awful and his cough is horrible. He's making that crackling noise that grosses me out when he breathes. And when he coughs you can actually hear the gunk in his lungs chanting, "Hell no! We won't go!" (Okay, the chanting is a bit of an exagerration, but the rest of it's true.) All of that to say, I want Donny checked by a doctor. If it's nothing then I want a doctor to say so, because it doesn't sound like nothing to me. But the problem is that Donny's convinced that he has pneumonia, which always translates to a stay in the hospital. And if Donny stays in the hospital then I'm home with Bob without Donny. Never mind trusting me, never mind the fact that my parents and grandma are here, in his mind I'll be alone with Bob. And so his jealousy causes him to refuse medical treatment.

However, Donny still expects the same kind of care that he would get at the hospital. I'm to be his 'round the clock nurse. And since he's my only patient he's to get my complete, undivided attention at all times. I am to follow him everywhere, only leaving his side for 60 second potty breaks or to run fetch something for him. The only problem is that I've never wanted to be a nurse. (Nothing against it, I just wouldn't make a good nurse.)

A few days ago my mom started asking about untraceable poisons and I couldn't help but wonder, who is it for? Right now I'm pretty sure that Donny's at the top of everybody's hit list, but you never know.

Happy Flu

2008-07-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

Music

2008-07-17T23:12:00.000-07:00

I totally forgot to earlier to post about one of the better things to happen lately.

There was a tape that my mom owned when I was a teenager that a couple of fun songs on it that the whole family enjoyed. There are a lot of great memories assosciated with that music. As seems to always happen, somewhere along the line the tape got lost. At first we said that it had to be around somewhere, and then eventually we forgot about it for a while. But after a bit something sparked the memory, and all hope of finding our tape was gone.

The truly unfortunate thing was that we couldn't remember the name of the tape or of the group that did it. Without those 2 key pieces of information it can be very difficult to find what you're after. Sporadically we would search music stores, but that became less and less often. We really had no hope of ever finding that tape again.

And then early this week I went looking for something else. There's a song that's kind of been the family anthem that I decided to find online. After I showed the youtube clip of it to my mom and dad I made a comment about how you can find anything online. That's when I was challenged to find a copy of the missing tape. And so the search was on.

I was getting frustrated at my inability to locate anything and went to vent to my mom about it. She had been using what she could remember to do her own search and suggested that I take a look at what she had. There were several dead ends, but then I found an article about a group that sounded promising. They had changed their name, but under their old name they had released an album under their own record label. They didn't keep using that label, since a bigger label picked them up, so that record company is now gone. It really sounded like it might be them, I just needed to find a way to contact them.

Two nights ago I finally found it. They have a myspace page that I was able to find. I emailed them and described what I was looking for and why, and asked if it had been their project. I also asked that if it was theirs, would they please let me know how to buy a copy.

Last night I got a reply saying that my request was rather unique and if I would send them my address they would send me a copy of the CD that I was looking for. So I sent my address right away, and this morning I got a note letting me know that my CD had been mailed. And all of that was free of charge. I am so excited!

More Updates

2008-07-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

It's kind of sad when you have to read your blog just to figure out how much has happened since your last post. So let's get caught up, shall we?

Last Sunday saw me sitting at a hospital with my mom and one of her friends after he fell off of a ladder. On Monday Bob had surgery on his knee, and he'll need another surgery in about 3 months. There's a whole lot of damage to his knee and it's extremely painful. He came through surgery great and is in the process of recovery. Yesterday Bob was released from the hospital, but was unable to go home. (Living in an upstairs apartment and a hostile environment combined to ensure that it would be a bad idea.) So for now Bob is staying with us. He's a really nice guy and I enjoy trading insults with him, so this is no hardship.

On Monday my mother-in-law was moved to a nursing home. She needs a few days in there to get really good at walking before she can go home. She seems to be doing well and making progress on her recovery as well. We haven't been up to see her in a few days because Donny hasn't felt well enough to ride into town. We've tried to call and check in with her, but we have a hard time getting an answer on her phone. We check in with Terry every few days, but I have to admit that I'm not real diligent about it. I feel that mom's being well cared for, so I don't worry about her.

Today has been a good day. I've stayed home all day and enjoyed relaxing. It's my birthday, so grandma's boyfriend bought everybody pizza for lunch. Tonight my parents are taking the family to dinner at the Thai restaraunt to celebrate. My Uncle Doug made me a lemon cake with lemon cream cheese frosting. Bob has generously offered to pay for my mom and I to go see Mama Mia when it comes out as my birthday present. By husband gave me a box full of teddy bears, and my 3 year old nephew came by today to give me a present that he made for me at preschool. I am very spoiled, and very well loved.

Mosaic

2008-07-15T10:17:00.000-07:00

I saw this on Mielikki's blog and thought that it would be fun to try.

Here then, are the questions, with my answers in parenthesis, and explainations, if needed!

1. Your first name (Jamie, and do you know how many pictures of Jamie Lynn Spears are out there?)
2. Favorite food? (pasta, for today at least)
3. What High School did you attend? (North Salinas High School was the first one I attended, this guy is their mascot)
4. Favorite color (yellow)
5. Celebrity crush? (Winnie the Pooh always has been and always will be my hero)
6. Favorite drink? (root beer)
7. Dream vacation? (Ireland came to mind first, although I really want to travel all over Europe)
8. favorite dessert? (Chocolate)
9. What do you want to be when I grow up? (happy)
10. What do you love most in life? (fammily)
11. One word to describe you? (caring)
12. Your blog name (Jamie's World)

My Day

2008-07-13T23:49:00.000-07:00

Drinking coffee in the evening is a bad idea for me. It was 4:00 this morning before I was able to unwind enough to even think about going to sleep. I was absolutely wired. And I had drank the coffee at 7:00 in the evening. It was awful.

I got up at 8:30 this morning planning to go to church, get a little work done, and then go visit mom in the hospital. After church Donny called me and asked me to come home before doing my work. When I got here he let me know that Bob, a friend of my parents, had fallen off a ladder and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. He then had me call my sister-in-law, Terry, who told me not to drive all the way into town, to take a day and rest. So I went to work with the idea that afterward I'd go home and relax for the rest of the day.

The only problem with my plan was that my mom was at the hospital with Bob, and I was worried about her. I couldn't stop fretting about the fact that she might not be taking care of herself. I was finally able to talk to her and I convinced her that she needed me so that I had an excuse to go watch over her. But that meant that I was off to the hospital.

I took some food with me, since neither my mom nor Bob had eaten since breakfast. Bob was astounded when I pulled some tuna salad and a loaf of bread out of my backpack. Then came the fresh fruit, followed by some bottles of water. I also had my cross-stitching and a book with me. They both laughed about my level of preparedness for the ER, but they were grateful to get something to eat.

It turns out that Bob tore the ligament behind his knee, or something like that. He has to have surgery tomorrow to get the damage repaired. Then he'll be in the hospital for a few more days. Since they were admittiong Bob we decided that we should stay with him until he got settled in his room. The only bad thing is that he's at a different hospital than what Donny and his mom use, so I wasn't able to go check on mom while we waited.

At shift change the nurses hurried up and got Bob moved, to simplify giving report. As he was being wheeled into his room a nurse was passing by and she stopped, looked at me, and then came over and gave me a big hug. She asked if the patient was my dad, so I explained that he was just a friend of the family. She told me that she would be on until 11:00 and Bob would be one of her patients. After she walked away my mom asked me who she was and I had to admit that I didn't kbnow her name, just that she had been Donny's nurse previously. (He stayed in that hospital 1 time and decided that he likes the other one better.) My mom just laughed at the fact that every hospital that she goes to with me I wind up running into a nurse that remembers me and/or Donny.

****DISCLAIMER****
I feel the need to add that the reason that this nurse remebers us is actually a good one. (For a change.) When Donny was staying at that hospital he had a very difficult roommate. The day that Donny went home his roommate got upset at breakfast time. He threw his tray hard enough that his cup dented the floor. The nurse that I ran into tonight came in and was trying to take care of this man and he started hitting and kicking her. Now, this kind of behavior is never okay, but this lady is only a few years from retirement, so it really got to Donny. Although the nurse hollared for help, no one came in. That's when Donny got up and helped this lady get away from the patient so that he couldn't hurt her. For that reason she absolutely loves Donny, and by extension, me. She's probably the only nurse in the area that actually likes Donny, but at least one does.

MIL update

2008-07-13T01:16:00.001-07:00

Mom was scheduled for surgery Friday, but that didn't happen. What was really frustrating for us was the fact that nobody told us what was going on, and nobody seemed to have a clue. She was scheduled for surgery at 2:00 and we were told that they'd take her from the room around 1:00. Around 3:00 a nurse finally told us that her surgery was cancelled, but she didn't know why. The nurse put a call in to the surgeon, who came to the room about an hour later. He told my sister-in-law that a CT scan of the hip had been ordered that morning and that was why she had been taken off the schedule for surgery. He had no clue why it had been ordered and seemed really put out about it. He got mom scheduled for surgery at 1:00 the next afternoon, but explained that because it was the weekend a different surgeon would be doing her hip replacement.

Today (or is it more accurate to say yesterday?) everybody went up to see mom right before surgery, around 11:30. A little after 12:00 the nurse let folks know that surgery had been bumped back to 3:00. At this point we were all getting a little tired of playing this game, since this was the third time that her surgery had been rescheduled. Around 3:00 my sister-in-law, Terry, called the hospital to see what was going on with mom. The nurses told her then that mom had not been taken for surgery yet, that it would be closer to 4:00. Around 4:45 Terry called again to check on mom and was told that they had just wheeled her down to surgery. At this point frustration levels were very high.

When it got close to time for mom to be coming out of surgery we went to the hospital to wait for mom to get done so that we could talk to the doctor. It was around 7:00 when he came out to let us know that he was done. He had a couple of xrays in his hand. He showed Terry the xrays and explained that because he was able to set the hip well with pins he decided not to do the hip replacement. He didn't want to put an 86 year old woman through such a traumatic surgery unnecessarily. He went on to explain that her origional xrays had been read by the radiologist as there being no sign of fracture. According to this doctor the other surgeon had come to him for help yesterday and that's when he had ordered the CT scan. Because it was late in the afternoon before the radiologist read the scan they had been unable to operate yesterday. He was a really nice guy, and he gave the 2 xrays of mom's hip to Terry. When Terry asked about the ever changing surgery schedule he said that he had changed mom's surgery to 4:00 when he came in at noon, because of an emergency surgery that he had to do. For some reason he also made a point of telling us about some piece of paper that mom's PCP had forgotten to sign, and that he had gotten another doctor to examine her and sign it. I walked away happy with the report that he had given us.

That happiness has faded as I've thought things over. I now have a couple of questions. If the other surgeon had asked for his help, and , according to this guy, was there when the CT scan was ordered, why did he seem so put out about it later? He really came across very strongly as seeing the CT scan as an unnecessary test. Also, why did the surgeon not discuss with us his decision to put pins in instead of the hip replacement? We had been told that while pins could be used, there was an increased risk of needing surgery in the future if they were used. Because of mom's age the other doctors had strongly recommended going ahead with hip replacement to avoid the risk of her needing another operation in the future. Shouldn't decisions like this at least involve the patient and her caregiver?

Now that I've had a few hours to think things over I'm really upset about how this surgeon handled things. There's a part of me that wants to accuse the surgeon of purposely getting mom bumped to today so that he would be the one doing her surgery, that way he could do it the way that he thought best. And maybe his way was best, I just think that he should have let us know that he was changing the plan before going ahead and doing the surgery. Especially since, from what he said, he knew when he walked into the operating room that he wasn't doing a hip replacement.

Quick Update

2008-07-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

Mom saw several doctors today, one of which was the ortho surgeon who's supposed to do her hip replacement today. After evaluating her it was decided to postpone surgery until Friday, although it seems that the decision was due to a scheduling conflict for the doc, rather than a problem with mom. So she's staying in the hospital, heavily medicated, until then. Even though she can't walk she did her best to talk them out of giving her a catheter. She can be so funny sometimes.

A little after 8:00 tonight I called the nurses station for her unit to check on how she was doing. Her nurse had just been in with her and seemed to think that she was rather amusing. Apparently my mother-in-law and her roommate decided that they want their pain medicine to be on the same schedule, that way they'll both get to sleep. Leave it to mom to think of organizing the schedules at the hospital. She is such a character.

My sister-in-law, who takes care of mom, did talk with mom's PCP for a few minutes today. He says that mom will probably be in the hospital for 3 or 4 days after surgery, and then will need to be in a nursing home for 2 or 3 weeks. He also said that we need to be aware that because of her age there is a 30% chance of complications, either before, during or after surgery. We are all well aware that old people with broken hips often don't recover well, but it seems that surgery really is the best option.

Please keep my mother-in-law in your prayers as she goes through this.

More Worries

2008-07-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law called me a couple of hours ago to let us know that my mother-in-law had fallen again. Since my mother-in-law is in her eighties falls are to be expected, and must be taken seriously. When my sister-in-law tried to help mom to get up, mom couldn't stand. After a few calls to the doctor it was decided that an ambulance should be called to transport mom to the ER.

Ex-rays were done and it was discovered that mom has a broken hip. If it were me with the broken hip it wouldn't be such a big deal, but I've seen this be the top of the slippery slope for some elderly people. Tomorrow mom's supposed to have hip replacement surgery to repair the break. Recovery from that is going to take quite a while. I hope that mom has that much fight left in her.

I worry mostly because I'm not convinced that mom does have that much fight left in her. Several times lately mom has gone on and on to me about how she's tired of living, tired of burying loved ones, and she just wants to die. She doesn't want to outlive another child, and Donny seems intent on dying soon. I'm just not convinced that she'll try to recover, I believe that her lack of will to live is what's going to kill her.

Worrying

2008-07-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

I'm home again, and so is Donny. He got out of the hospital last Wednesday, but we've been staying with my mother-in-law so I haven't really had computer access. Donny's lungs are doing much better now, although they still aren't perfect. This last bout with his breathing finally convinced him that he needs to come up with a plan to quit smoking. I'm working on getting him some nicotene patches, we have high hopes.

It wasn't until I camped out in Donny's room on Tuesday, July 1, that I finally got to meet a doctor. A resident came in to see Donny that he hadn't seen before. One of the first things I did was point out that they were giving him too low a dose of lactulose. The doctor hadn't checked what dose he was on at home, so they gave him the standard dose of 2 tablespoons three times a day. The problem being that he needs 3-4 tablespoons three times a day. I had asked his nurse the day before to point this out to his doctor, but it hadn't been resolved. So the new doctor now feels the need to defend what the other doctor was doing, after a few minnutes we got it cleared up and the dosage was corrected.

The new doctor also was trying to discuss what was going on with us while tiptoeing around the fact that Donny was hallucinating in tghe ER. She said sometrhing about him being sleepy when he came in and I just looked at her and said, "No, he was hallucinating when we came in." She said something to the effect that she was trying to put it nicely. That's when I told her that we've dealt with the encaphalopathy enough times now that there's no more need to put things nicely and she could just be blunt with us. It wasn't until a few hours later that I realized it was her first day of residency. Poor lady. She really was just trying to be nice, I hope I didn't burst her bubble.

Today was Donny's follow up with his PCP. The doc said that all the tests that the hospital ran looked good. I asked him about what to do if the hospital won't keep Donny, but I didn't get an answer. The only thing that I got out of him was that if the ER doc wants to admit Donny and the resident won't then to ask for his attending. But what about if the ER doc says that Donny doesn't need to be hospitalized? And why am I borrowing trouble from gthe future? I suppose that if I ever feel backed into a corner I could try saying that I can't keep him safe at home. I don't know if it'll help, but I feel better if I tell myself that those are the magic words that mean that they have to help. It's not that I want to dump my husband on a poor, unsuspecting hospital, but I worry about not being able to care for him. I worry about a lot of things.

A new kind of question.

2008-06-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a long couple of days. Donny hasn't been doing well, and taking care of him has me feeling ran down. The air quality has been bad enough to really mess with Donny's breathing. A few days ago (probably a week or a week and a half ago) he started having a really bad cough. I'm talking about coughing so hard that it's hard to breathe, and it lastging for 15 - 20 minutes at a time. He would cough until he puked. It was awful. So I started giving him some cough syrup. It sometimes helped a little.

And then a few days a go things got worse. On top of the cough Donny's mental function started to decline, he started hallucinating even worse. I kept on trying to treat him at home because I was afraid that the hospital would just send him home if I tried to take him in. Friday night things got really bad. Even then I was afraid that my last hope for help would turn me away, so I didn't take him in. I kept saying that if he wasn't better in the morning I'd take him in.

Around 10:00 on Friday night I was in the office when I smelled something burning. I decided to go investigate, but there was nothing cooking in the kitchen. So, following my nose, I went to the garage. I opened the door to discover that there was a considerable amount of smoke in the garage, and Donny was just sitting there. I hollered at Donny, since he was just sitting in the middle of all that, and then I went looking for the cause. It took me less than 10 seconds to realize that the microwave was running, and appeared to be the source of the smoke. When I opened it up, there sat my favorite mug, once full of coffee, now a smoky mess. It took 2 days of cleaning, but the mug is okay.

Donny obviously couldn't be trusted on his own, so I sat with him for quite a while. He was hallucinating really badly and was quite obviously out of it. Around 2:00 on Saturday morning my mom told me to go sleep, that she'd take a shift sitting with Donny. During this time he came in and tried to wake everybody up because he was sure that my grandma had said somebody had died and he couldn't remember who. He also woke me up to tell me that there were people in my car and I needed to go make them leave. There were a couple other times that he woke me up, but I can't remember what for. Around 5:00 my mom woke me up because she just couldn't deal with him anymore. He had left and had to be chased down the street 3 different times. At one point he had a lit cigarette that he was trying to put in his recliner. When my mom tried to take the cigarette away he hit her.

So yesterday morning I took Donny to the hospital. At 8:00 on a Saturday morning the ER isn't nearly as busy as I'm used to seeing. We waited for less than half an hour for triage, and he went straight to a bed from there. The ER staff wanted to know who had tested Donny's ammonia levels since I knew that they were high. I had to explain that I had said that, based on past experiences, I suspected high ammonia levels. That's when I got the sympathetic smile and understanding nod. It's a universal gesture that reeks of pity. What really shocked me was when his ammonia level came back at 64. That's barely elevated, it in no way is high enough to account for what was going on with his brain. But the ER did find pneumonia in the lower lobe of his right lung, so he was admitted for that. And I came home and slept.

So now we face the tough decisions. At what point can we no longer care for him at home? What resources are available if I can't keep him safe at home? At what point will the hospital take him? What do I do now?

Anniversaries & Tightropes

2008-06-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was mine and Donny's fourth anniversary. In some ways it seems like the time has flown by, and in others it seems like we've lived a few lifetimes in that time. So much has happened in our lives that it doesn't seem possible that we've fit it all into four years.

A few months before we got married Donny was at the doctor to get the results from some tests. The doctor had said that he thought that Donny might have testicular cancer, so we were rather worried. The doctor came in and let us know that there was no sign of cancer, but the news wasn't good. That's when we were told that Donny had cirrhosis of the liver. The doctor then asked us how long until the wedding. I told him a few months and he looked at me and said, "You'll have a very short marriage." I don't think that he thought we would make it this far.

The road has been very rough, and there were times that I thought we wouldn't make it, but the journey is worth it. Donny's a pain and hard to live with. He's also the most giving person that I've ever met. And you couldn't ask for a more loving husband. He has an odd sense of humor, but he loves to laugh. And if you want to tug on his heartstrings just mention a child or a senior citizen. He would rather go without his mostg basic needs than see a child in want. He has got the biggest heart that I've ever seen.

That's why this disease is so hard. My husband is turning into a grinch. He sees less and less of the heartache, and the joy, in the world. He's become self-centered. He's downright mean at times. He pushes kids away and does his best to cut himself off from the world. A man who once was the male version of a social butterfly now avoids going into public because he doesn't want to talk to people. Even on a good day he doesn't want to sit around and shoot the shit with his buddies anymore. He just doesn't have the energy or the drive. This disease is taking my husband and leaving me with a stranger.

I often wonder if the doctor's understand what this is like for the families. Do they know the tightrope that we walk trying to carry out their orders? Donny is having visual hallucinations all the time now. (That, or he really does see ghosts.) His mind is clear otherwise and he takes his medicine like he's supposed to so I don't bother going to the doctor about it. What would he do? What could he do? I'm constantly on the edge trying to keep an eye on Donny and live my life. Do the doctors know what it's like when the patient goes home with you? I would ask if they care, but I know that my doctor does. I just think that he doesn't have a clue.

Donny needs me 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He needs somebody by his side monitoring his medicine. Not only do you have to make sure that he takes it, but you have to make sure that he doesn't take too much. And if anybody has stray pills laying around he'll take them to see if they help. He's a grown man and wants to be treated as such, but he often requires the same care that you would provide for a toddler, including picking him up when he falls.

I love my husband dearly, I just want him back.

My Mother-In-Law

2008-06-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

I'm worried about my mother-in-law. Her mind has been slipping, but we've all shrugged it off as a sign of her age. She's in her late 80's, she had to start repeating her stories at some point. And the fact that she claims to have done just about every job imaginable seems harmless enough. It may be highly annoying to sit and listen to stories that you know aren't true, but we love her so we listen. All of that is stuff that's part of aging and something that we can deal with.

We've even learned to deal witgh the fact that mom is a bit of a hypochondriac. She's actually very healthy for her age. She has to take medicine for her blood pressure and her cholesterol, but in your late 80's that's pretty darn good. Her legs aren't quite as steady as they once were, so she needs to usa a cane when she walks. Still pretty good. She tires easier than she did when she was young, and she just doesn't have it in her to do as much as she once did, but still, for her age that seems pretty good to me. And yet she insists that there's medical problems that don't exist. She'll swear up and down that she had a stroke about 7 or 8 years ago, but it's not in her medical records. She says that she has heart problems, but the cardiologist can't find anything wrong. But all of this we can set aside as the behavior of an old lady who longs to be with her husband.

What I can't set aside is what my sister-in-law told me two weeks ago. Mom lives with her and we had gone to visit with gthem for the day. My sister-in-law and I got a chance to talk on our own and shye was venting some of her frustrations about living with her mother-in-law. (Randy and Terry inherited mom when Bobby, the oldest son, passed away. When Randy passed away mom continued to live with Terry.) Apparently mom has started to become mean, especially towards Nicki (Terry and Randy's daughter). I know of one time that mom yelled at Nicki for being mean to her dad before he died. Even if it were true, which it's not, that's not something that you say to a teenage girl who is devastated by the loss of her father. Terry told me that there have been several more episodes of mom verbally attacking Nicki. This is not at all acceptable as a livingt situation for my niece.

All of that is not what worries me the most though. Terry told me that although mom straightens and dusts her own room, Terry likes to go in and do a deeper cleaning every now and then. The last time that Terry did this she was working on the floors in the closet when she noticed a cardboard tube in the corner. When she went to move the tube it was wet, so she decided to look inside of it. That's when she realized that mom hadd been using the tube as a toilet. Terry discarded the tube and cleaned the carpet, then she put down some absorbent pads so that if mom had problems and needed to use that area it wouldn't get into the carpet. Terry also put absorbent pads under the throw rugs next to the bed in case of an accident. Then she decided to take the bedskirt off and launder it to get rid of dust. When she went to remove it where it was up against the night stand at the head of the bed she found that the bedskirt and the side of the nightstand were covered in feces. After cleaning that mess she put the room back together and made it obvious that she'd been in there hoping that mom would come talk to her about what she'd found, it didn't happen. Terry started checking the pads daily, but there was never a mess on them. However, mom has replaced the cardboard tube with a plastic one and continues to use it nightly. Terry knows this because she can hear mom empty it in the mornings, and has even peeked out her bedroom door a couple times to see mom carry it in there.

When mom moved in with Randy and Terry they put her in the room closest to the bathroom to trfy and make nighttime easier on her, it's less than 10 feet from her bedroom door to the bathroom door. If that's too much for her then Terry is willing to put a bedside potty chair in mom's room. The only problem is that she doesn't know how to approach mom about it without making her feel bad. I know my mother-in-law well enough to know that pride would stop her from admitting to needing it, and asking her about could actually make the problem worse. But in the meantime this is becomiong more of a problem than I feel it's righht to ask Terry to take on. I suggested that she talk to mom's doctor about it and see if there's something that he could suggest. I also told her that she should ask about getting mom tested for demetia, because it sure sounds to me like there might be a real medical problem under all of this. For Terry's sake I hope that she follows through with the doctor, that way we can come up with a plan for how to take care of mom without putting it all on Terry.

Vacation

2008-06-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

Donny and I just got home from spending a couple days on the coast. We didn't do anything overly exciting, in fact, we slept the first day away. We saw some pretty scenery, went to a gorgeous park, and basked in the lack of anything to do. He had my undivided attention, so Donny was happy. I had no errands to run, no places to go, no people to see. It was wonderful!

Donny did decide that I had finally gone over the edge though. The first place we went (besides the motel) was to our favorite beach. We parked in the parking lot and I got out to take pictures. (Donny didn't feel well so he rarely got out of the car at our stops.) Donny noticed a little plastic man that a child had set on a log and then left behind and he insisted that tghe little man should go with us, so he did. I have photographic evidence that he went with us. My loving husband thinks that it's certyifiably insane to take pictures of a little plastic man everywhere you go. If I remember I'll post some of them later.

Overall it was a fun trip and I'm glad we went. When we got home we found out that the AC went out today and the repairman can't get here until Tuesday. It's 10:30 at night and I'm sitting here with a fan blowing dirfectly on me, the window open, drinking a huge glass of icewater. It's almost bearable. And last night we had to run the heater. I wish I was back on the coast.

Small Town Life

2008-06-07T00:27:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of reasons that I love living in a small town. Tonight was just further proof of why it's so great. My parents went to dinner at our local Thai restaraunt. The food is great and the owners are really sweet people, so we eat there quite a bit. My mom was unable to finish her food so she asked for a container to take it home in. After they left the restaraunt they went to a friend's house for a couple of hours. On their way home my mom realized that she had forgotten her leftovers at the restaraunt. Since the restaraunt was closed already there was no way to go back and try to get them, even if they wanted to. When they got home they were surprised to find that my mom's leftovers had arrived before them. My parents payed with a credit card, so the owners had their name. They then looked the number up and called to get the address. Once my uncle gave them the address they had their busboy/dishwasher run the food over to our house. How many places offer that kind of service?

The other benefits of small town life include being able to shop with my mom's credit card (since it's known that she regularly has me run errands for her). If I'm a little short when I go to pay for my purchase at the liquor store the owner will tell me to just give it to him next time. Last year the post office delivered a birthday card that just had my name and the city that I live in on the front, no street address. But my favorite part is the fact that I'm forever running in to people that I know when I'm out and about. I love that smile and quick chat inbetween errands, it really brightens the day.

Craziness

2008-06-03T00:13:00.000-07:00

This last weekend has been crazy. On Thursday night we had dinner with a guest from Washington (state). That same day Donny's friend who lives in Nevada arrived. On Friday my daad's friend from Montana got into town. Thankfully, most of the visiting friends didn't expect to stay with us. If they had we would have had to start assigning sections of floor to people.

So the schedule went something like this: On Thursday we spent the day getting the house ready for company. When Donny's friend arrived they went to another friend's house to hang out. That evening Doug and his girlfriend (the one from Washington) cooked a really good dinner for us. I had just finished eating and was enjoying visiting with Gracie when Donny called and asked me to come get him. I went over there and about an hour and a half later I convinced Donny that we should go home. By the time we got there Doug and Gracie had left. Of course, since Donny was hanging out with his drinking buddies he was rather drunk. A little after midnight I got him settled, and somewhere around 1:00 a.m. I got to bed.

Around 5:00 a.m. on Friday morning Donny woke me up to complain about how I don't do enough to take care of him. I was PISSED. This was not a good start to my day. I got Donny going and finally got him over to visit with his friends so that I was able to start my day. I ran to the grocery store because my mom had reminded me that I was to be in a chili cook off the next day. I got home and got my chili going, and then did some last minute stuff to the house to prepare for my dad's friends visiting. Of course this was all between Donny's calls to complain that I wasn't doing enough to take care of him. That afternoon I wrapped our gift for his friend's son who was graduating that evening, and I had the distinct pleasure of trying to figure out how to wrap the sword that our other friend was giving him. I went to pick Donny up to come home and get ready for graduation, only to find that he was in no shape to go. So I got myself ready and went alone. As I was leaving graduation tghe boy's mom told me that there was to be cake at her house in his honor and they'd like for me to be there. That was when I realized that I hadn't had time to eat all day. So after I grabbed a quick burger I went and had cake and then came home. By then Donny was up and wanting my attention. Somewhere around midnight I got him settled and went to bed.

Saturday morning I was up bright and early yet agaqin, but this time Donny was in a good mood. We went and grabbed some donuts and then went to his friend's house for a visit. I sat with them for a little while, but then I had to go to work and finish up the stuff that I was supposed to have finished the day before. That afternoon was the chili cook off. When I was ready to go I went to give Donny a kiss goodbye and found him lying on the floor. He had fallen, but he didn't seem to be hurt. I got him up and settled and then I took off. At the chili cook off I took second in the category of hotness and first in taste. Afterwards I came home and spent what was left of the evening trrying to pacify Donny.

Sunday I was finally able to relax. I went to church and then we went to visit my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. I enjoy our time there so much, I really love going to visit. Because it's Donny's family I don't feel the need to act as a buffer between him and everybody else. I get to relax and enjoy visiting and I let his family deal with who he is. It's the most relaxing time that I have anymore.

That's my weekend in review, how was yours?

Vacation Plans

2008-05-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

I need a little help here. Next month Donny and I are supposed to drive up to Lake Tahoe, spend the night, and then go on to Carson City. We're currently debating what route to take. We're looking at 80, 50, or 88. We're more interested in scenery and stuff to do on the way than we are in making good time. If anybody out there knows any of these routes I'd appreciate a little inside info.

This is not necessarily a trip that I'm looking forward to, but Donny has been begging to go for a long time. And his best friend, whom we're going to visit with, has offered to pay for our trip. He's even giving us a night in Tahoe to ourselves as an anniversary present. I had to agree to the trip sometime.

I'm still alive

2008-05-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

I just realized how long it's been since I posted. There were computer problems, which got followed up by husband problems. I've also been working hard at not whining about life so much. Everyone has problems and I need to learn to deal with mine.

I wish that I could write that Donny's doing well, but this is the one place where I try to force myself to be honest. This last week has been really hard. As his mind goes he becomes more and more hostile. He yells at me a lot and spends a lot of time telling me how bad of a job I do with taking care of him. I know in my head that it's the disease talking, but my heart still takes it hard.

It's worse because angry at him for being an ass, and then I feel guilty for getting angry at him. And there's always that part of me that says to just shut up and take it because he's sick and doesn't have a lot of time left. Talk about conflicting emotions.

The part of me that I try to deny exists wants to know just how much longer this is going to take. When things are really bad and he's yelling at me I find myself wishing for a guide that tells me how long this will last. Is this just a phase and things will improve again? From what I've read I think that it's just going to get worse. And how much worse will it get? Will he become physically abusive? And if a disease causes your husband to be abusive how much should you put up with? I normally have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to abuse, but what about when it's caused by a disease?

As I was writing this just now Donny woke up and came to get me. He's recently developed a problem with wetting the bed and I needed to change the bed again. Fortunately I have a lot of sheets and blankets. This time my sheets didn't even have a chance to get dirty from being slept on. I guess this means that I need to go get a plastic cover for the bed this week.

These are some of the issues that I'm wrestling with right now. My head is not a fun place to be. On top of everything that's going on with Donny there are always family problems as well. My mom's going through a tough time right now. I suspect that a new memory is about to surface and she could really benefit from some loving support from her daughter.

My sister, who lives in Arkansas, is getting a divorce. There's a part of me that wants to say it's about time, but she doesn't need to hear it. We've all seen this coming for a while now, but they did last longer than we thought they would. Her and her husband have been separated for a little while now, which is why I wasn't surprised to hear that she's already got the next husband picked out. My mom said that from what my sister says he sounds like a really nice guy, but I haven't talked to her about any of this yet. I know she could use a call from her sister, but I just don't have it in m e right now.

Right now my heart is breaking for my niece. She's really going through a tough time, and there's nothing that I can do to fix it. She's 18 and getting ready to graduate high school. We also recently found out that when she was 14 she was raped. Her attacker told her that if she told anyone he would kill her and her family, so she kept it a secret. She was only a 14 year old kid, but she had the presence of mind to take the city bus to a clinic and get a pregnancy test and tested for STDs. She even had follow up testing done. All of this only came out because her mom found out that she was behaving a little too wildly. My sister-in-law wrote my niece this long letter about how disappointed she was and how if her dad was still alive he'd be really disappointed too. (He died of cancer about a year and a half ago, when my niece was 16.) My niece wrote back to her mom and let her know what was going on. Because this niece is from Donny's side of the family I haven't known her long, which makes it hard for me to know how to help her. I really love her and I'm very worried about her. I just don't know what to do to help her. Please pray for her, it's all I know to do.

Okay, I think that just about covers all the garbage running through my mind right now. It's amazing how helpful it is to just write it all down.

Remembering

2008-05-02T22:52:00.000-07:00

I was just listening to George Jones sing "50,000 Names Carved in the Wall" and it started me thinking. I currently have at least 3 cousins overseas and another one getting ready to go back. I say at least because I have cousins in the military that I don't do a good job of keeping track of them. But the ones that I do keep track of, I worry about them.

These boys, no, men now, are the ones that I used to babysit. They're the ones who were like really annoying little brothers at one time. They're two sets of brothers, and I have a lot of great memories with them. Even if we haven't done a good job keeping in touch, I love them.

The one set of brothers were like little brothers when I was younger. They stayed with an aunt of ours for a while and when they lived with her family my family was there a lot too. I can remember being so annoyed at the little nerds who just wanted to be considered cool by the only other boy in the group. (Of course that meant declaring war on the girls.) We used to joke about if you set them loose on a town they would have it leveled in a few days. Now one of them is training to be a demolitions expert. I tease him mercilessly about how fitting the job is.

The other set of brothers are the ones that I remember babysitting when I was a teenager. They tried to convince me that a good game to play would be to tie me up and put me in the closet and then time how long it would take me to get out. (I never fell for that.) The youngest also tried to tell me that his mom fed him 5 pounds of sugar every night before putting him to bed. I can remember them deciding that it would be fun to start calling me mom when we were out in public. Even when we went to get icecream at the diner that my latest crush worked at. They loved to embarrass me. The youngest ended up guarding President Reagan's remains during the viewing at the rotunda. He's now somewhere in Africa. The oldest took a post closer to the front lines because he was put in charge of that camp (or whatever it's called).

I don't talk about them much, but I worry about them. It just doesn't seem possible that the little terrors are old enough to fight and die for our country. Please pray for our military members, they need it.

It Never Stops

2008-04-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

I really do need to remember to update my blog more often. I took Donny for the endoscopy and we should get the results either the 5th or the 13th. I expect that all will be fine, but it's nice to have a doctor confirm it.

On Tuesday afternoon, as I was getting ready for Donny's appointment, my mom called me into the other room to talk to me. I go in and she tells me that she's having chest pains that radiate to her left. She wasn't sure if she needed to see a doctor. As I was working on convincing her to go to ER the nurse from her doctor's office called. After they talked to her doctor it was decided that she needed to go to ER. My uncle was getting ready to take my grandma to see her sister who's in the hospital, so I asked him to take my mom to the ER that she likes on his way out of town. I called my dad and arranged for him to meet her there since I couldn't go.

A few hours later I was waiting for Donny to finish his time in recovery so we could go home when my dad called to let me know what was going on. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with my mom so they wanted to keep her overnight for observation. She would need her CPAP machine and was not wanting my dad to drive all the way home, pick it up, and drive all the way back again. I agreed to take it to her once I got Donny home since I wanted to go by and check on her anyway.

I got there and my mom was still in ER waiting for a room. My father and I both decided to sit with her for awhile. For some reason the ER had not yet put an IV in her, so when it was time to get her ready for a transfer they had to do that. My dad and I are both squeamish around needles, but for my dad it's almost a phobia, so you can imagine what that was like for us. It sounded like the nurse was finishing so my dad looked over, just in time to see the nurse pull the needle out. From where he was standing it looked like she broke the needle in my mom's hand, and you could see the blood drain from my dad's face. He sat down and recovered some of his color and then he left to go home.

When it was time to take my mom upstairs she decided to go in her wheelchair, so the transport was a lot less dramatic than you usually see. We got to her room and the ER guy helped her into bed and then he left. We sat there and visited for about a half hour before a nurse came in and acknowledged that there was now a patient in the room. I know nurses are busy people, but it seems to me that somebody could have poked their head in the door and said hello before then. Even if all they said was that her nurse would be with her shortly, at least we would have known that somebody on the floor was aware of our presence.

The nurse came in to do her part of the admit and she seemed like a really nice person. She asked all the questions that we expected and seemed to really know what she was doing. She changed my mom's wristband from the one that ER had given her to one that looked like it was designed to last a little longer. That's when she noticed that my mom hadn't been given an allergy bracelet. Since my mom has several drug allergies that cause her throat to close this is an important item. She said that she'd bring it in later. When I left around 11:00 it still hadn't happened.

The next day I went back to the hospital to pick my mom up and was still rather unimpressed with the nursing staff. My mom was told by the doctor around 9:30 that he would be discharging her. Somewhere around 10:00 the nurse stopped in for a moment and said that she'd be back shortly to start the discharge. I got there around 11:30 and the nurse hadn't been back yet. We waited patiently and about 15 minutes later the nurse came in to check on my mom. When my mom asked about the discharge you would have thought the nurse had never heard about it from her reaction. She checked the paperwork and said that the order was in there, then she left.

Somewhere around 12:30 the nurse popped in for a minute and my mom asked about getting her IV and heart monitor removed so that she could take a shower. The nurse talked to her for a minute and they decided that after lunch she would be discharged. Then the nurse said that she needed to go get gauze so she could remove my mom's IV. We didn't see her again until after lunch.

When the nurse finally came in and removed the IV my mom repeated that she needed to shower and the nurse seemed a little put out at the 5 minute delay, but went and got her some towels. After my mom showered we finished packing her up and the nurse came back to finish discharging her. It wasn't until the nurse said something that I realized that my mom's allergy bracelet was still in her chart, rather than on her arm. I was glad that we were leaving, since I started getting really angry at this point. It seems to me that there's a reason that allergy bracelets are used, and it was rather risky not putting one on somebody who has a lot of severe allergies. All in all, I was really disappointed with the hospital on this visit.

Now that mom's home things are settling down again. Which is nice since I seem to be fighting off a flu bug. I'm really hoping for a few more days of calm.

Just a note

2008-04-18T01:33:00.000-07:00

It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm barely starting to unwind. I spent my day yesterday closing out my office. My manager, the most senior preparer and I met at 9:00 for breakfast and then we attacked the office. I didn't get done until a little after 7:00, and we didn't take any breaks. It was a long day.

I found out yesterday that I'm not getting hired to work off season. They had a lot of really experienced preparers apply, and seniority always counts. Today Donny and I looked at our finances and realized that we can actually afford for me to take the time off, so I'm not worried. I thought that I'd have to get a job at Burger King to make ends meet, but all is well. I'm really looking forward to the break.

Of course I'm not real good at relaxing, so it won't be long until my schedule is full again. Tomorrow (I guess it's actually today) I'm taking Donny to get the final fitting on his teeth. Last time we tried this he puked on the dentist, so I'm hoping for better results this time. Next Tuesday Donny's scheduled for an endoscopy. He's complained of black tarry stools off and on just enough for me to be worried, but not enough for me to be convinced that I'm right to worry. Which is why I'm thrilled that the liver doctor considers this a routine test for anyone with cirrhosis. The test was ordered and I don't have to look like an overreacting idiot for worrying about nothing.

I know that I thought of something earlier today that I wanted to blog about, but now I'm too damn tired to remember what it was. That must mean it's bedtime.

April 13th

2008-04-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

I've been looking at the dates on my posts and realized that I've had nothing to say for a while. My job must be boring, since I don't even have any good work stories. That could explain the lack of tax blogs available. There really isn't anything exciting about taxes.

Although, the other day I was excited about a test I passed. We're required to do continuing education hours to get rehired next year and several of us started working on our hours already. There are a lot of courses available to us online and we'd do those when things were slow. By taking the same classes we've been able to help each other pass.

There's a preparer in my office who this was her ninth season and she'd been helping all of us. She decided that one of the courses that she wanted to take was unitary theory. This is something that you see mostly with big corporations and is considered a rather advanced class. Half of the text for the class is just citing which court cases had decided the issues. It was not easy to read. This experienced preparer had taken the test a couple of times and couldn't pass it, so she decided to challenge me to see if I could do it. I passed it on the first try. I printed out my results and left them on her desk for her, I was so proud. (I still don't understand any of it, but I passed the test!)

Tax season is almost over and it's a little sad for me. I've become friends with my coworkers and now I won't be seeing them on a regular basis. If the statistics aren't lying then one or two of us won't be back next year. It'll be different and I don't want different. I don't like change, the unknown is my biggest fear. This is strange for me.

One last bit of advice, if you haven't done your taxes yet, HURRY UP!!! There are only two days left if you want to get the rebate that everybody is talking about. Quit dragging your feet and get it done. If you need help, just ask. I love answering questions because it shows me how much I've learned, and how much I have yet to learn.

Improvements

2008-04-03T06:54:00.000-07:00

This was supposed to post last night, but due to technical problems that didn't happen.

Things started looking up today. I went to the doctor with my grandma and there's no blood clot in her leg. Apparently the swelling is just the normal post-op fluid build up. So she has to wear support hose and keep elevating her legs. The good news was that her kidney function is up to 80%. This is higher than we thought we'd get it, so it's really wonderful news.

The doctor has released grandma to return to physical therapy. The guy who was doing her therapy at home signed her out of his care when she had to stop because of her leg swelling. So instead of getting her back on with that guy she's being sent to a place here in town. The nice thing is that it's the same physical therapist that my mom's doctor is sending her to, so they can get appointments at the same time and save trips.

My mom's liver test came back and they're saying that the whole problem is the weight. As it comes off her liver should improve. Her kidney test is back and they told my mom to drink lots of water and she'll be fine. Again, true improvement won't happen until the weight comes off, but the water will keep her okay in the mean time. This pancreas test came back fine, so they're running another one. If the tests continue to be all over the place then more in depth testing will be done. All in all, I'm not so freaked out about her health now, it's all fixable.

Donny has agreed to continue seeing his regular doctor. I don't know if he came to his senses, or if he's just tired of fighting with me, but I won this round. I called them today for an appointment and when I mentioned that he's having black tarry stools there was suddenly an opening tomorrow morning. I finally feel like we might be able to get him back on track.

This latest ordeal with Donny got me thinking. He absolutely refuses to see the truth about himself in some areas. He has this ideal person set in his mind as to who he wants to be and there's no convincing him that he's different. Realizing that I started wondering if I truly see who I am. I try to be honest with myself, but am I successful? Do I see the truth about myself? And if I don't, would I like the things that I don't see? Are they good or bad? It's something to ponder.

Update

2008-03-31T23:55:00.000-07:00

I've been promising myself that I'd take the time for an update, but it's been way too long. My grandchildren came and left again. It was great to see them. We had a lot of fun. There's even talk of a return visit in a few months.

Last week I was having a morning at home when the phone rang. It was my mom's doctor calling to give her some test results. Not a receptionist or a nurse, but the doctor. Mom wasn't home so I gave the doctor her cell number. When the doctor is willing to take the time to track you down you know it's not good. I waited a few minutes and then I called my mom.

I was right, the news wasn't any good. It appears that my mom's kidneys, liver, and pancreas are all having problems. The extent of the problems aren't clear right now, more tests had to be ran. Tomorrow she sees the doctor to get those results. She's also being sent to specialists to get everything taken care of. I'm really worried about her.

Things with Donny aren't going too well either. Last Friday he had an appointment to see the doctor. I was planning to ask about getting his morphine prescription changed to a form that the insurance will cover. Right now we have to pay out of pocket to get him any and we can't afford it. There were some other questions that I had for the doctor too. It was a really important visit.

Friday morning Donny decided to inform me that he wasn't going to his appointment. He's decided to change doctors since this one's not doing anything for him except shoving pills down his throat. I tried to explain that there's nothing left to do besides use medication to keep him comfortable and his symptoms under control. He just doesn't get that there are no more tests, no more treatments.

I really think that the real reason for not going to the appointment is because he's drinking again and he doesn't want to get yelled at for it by his doctor. He knows that our doctor will take the pain killers away if he finds out about the alcohol. The drinking is bad again and he doesn't want to hear about it.

The latest bit of idiocy that I think will put Donny in the hospital though is his insistence that he just stop taking morphine. He says that he doesn't want to be addicted to it. He's been on the stuff for 2 years now, I think he's a little late on that one. And at this point, what does it matter if he is addicted to morphine? The doctor is willing to let him have it for the rest of his life, so I don't see the problem.

Speaking about the rest of his life, his latest thing is to tell me that he's dying soon. He usually says it when he's trying to get me to do what he wants. If I want to leave the room when he wants me to sit there he'll be sure to let me know that we don't have much longer together. And he loves to tell me how if I were the one about to die that you wouldn't be able to get him away from me. He is a master at guilt trips.

Also, this weekend my uncle moved in with us. It's supposed to be a temporary deal, but there's no time limit or anything. Donny's dealing well with it, which was my biggest concern. Everybody gets on my nerves at some point, so I know I'll be complaining about him at some point in the future, but right now it's been fairly smooth sailing. He's helping take care of grandma, and today he did the dishes for me. That's almost enough to classify him as a superhero in my book.

Well, I think that's all the current stuff. I'm sure there will be more soon.

Excitement

2008-03-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

Part of the problem with posting is that I feel like nothing exciting ever happens in my life. I go to work and then I come home and take care of Donny. What is there to talk about? I suppose I could regale you with stories from work, but how excited do you get about taxes? My profession is one that I have never seen a movie about.

Last night there was finally some excitement in my life. As I sat here playing on the computer last night I heard a loud boom. At first I was going to ignore it, but then I got worried about Donny. What if something happened and he went outside to investigate and got hurt? So I went to check.

When I opened my front door I was rather surprised to see that somebody was having a bonfire on the street. And they were using crazy Dan's car for fuel instead of wood. It was an impressive sight. The car was completely engulfed in flames.

Once I saw Donny was okay I called 911 to report that a car had just exploded across the street from me. Then I went to watch, but Donny wouldn't let me go outside because he was worried that the gas tank would explode. So I stood at the door and watched for a few minutes, then I headed outside.

Despite being told that the fire department was on it's way, and being warned about the dangers, crazy Dan grabbed his hose and started trying to put out the car. When it became obvious that he wasn't going to listen I had Donny get our hose and go help him. (I was starting to worry about the fire spreading.)

By the time that the first police officer arrived they had the fire under control. Donny asked the officer to grab an extinguisher and go help them, but he never did. By the time that the fire department got there the fire was down to a few hot spots. The firemen coated everything in their chemical stuff and made sure that there were no hot spots and then they left. They probably spent a total of 5 minutes on the car.

The police are still investigating, but right now they think that some kids did it. The lady that lives with crazy Dan is pretty sure that it's gang related. Her daughter's boyfriend, who happens to live there, flies red. The house two doors down from us flies blue. She's sure that they did it. I'm sure that this is going to get ugly.

I've decided that I don't need excitement in my life. Not when it's like this.

Oops

2008-03-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

When I posted yesterday I wasn't really thinking about the fact that my mom reads my blog. It didn't occur to me until she came out of the office with suspiciously wet eyes and told me to get dressed. I wasn't given a choice, I was going out.

We went and saw 27 Dresses. It was really funny. It was nice to laugh again. Then we went out to dinner at IHOP. Talk about comfort food! After that a trip to WalMart and then we headed home. (It was about midnight at this point, home was the only place left to go.) I hadn't realized until last night how long it had been since I'd played. I really enjoyed myself.

My mom explained to Donny that she was concerned about depression and so she wanted to take me out. We thought that it was best not to tell him how bad things were because he doesn't handle that kind of stuff well. But this morning things hit the point that I had to tell him what's going on. It was a nice surprise when he responded in a loving and supportive manner. I know that he loves me, but in the past he's dealt with this type of situation very poorly. I really didn't expect much out of him. It's been a good surprise.

It's nice to know that I can admit to being human and people won't think I'm awful. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect and I wind up thinking that's what everyone expects of me also. I'm not perfect and I don't think I ever will be. I fail people sometimes. I forget things, even important things. I struggle to balance my time between work, the people that I love and taking care of myself. I'm a work in progress, but I think that I'm improving. I hope to be like a fine wine and just improve with age.

For now I'm just human, and prone to human mistakes. Maybe someday I'll achieve perfection, maybe not. One thing that I know for sure is that along the way I'll need reminded that it's okay to be imperfect. Thank you for helping me remember that.

Thanks

2008-03-10T15:51:00.000-07:00

A while back I started blogging as a way of dealing with everything going on in my life. I thought that writing would be a good outlet for me. And I was right. It's helped a lot to talk about what I'm going through, and to know that somebody's listening. What I find interesting is that at my worst I can't reach out, even online, for support.

I've been going through a major depression lately. With my family I pretend that it's the flu. It helps that I have a nasty cold right now, so there are some visible symptoms. My propensity for sleeping and my grouchiness I've been able to pass off as symptoms as well. It's amazing how well I can hide my problems when I want to.

The depression got really bad this time. The other day I tried to put together a plan for suicide, but I couldn't figure out who would take care of Donny for me. I'm sure somebody would step-up, but I can't think of anybody. And if I don't know who's going to take over it would be very hard for me to train them. That thought probably saved my life.

I don't say these things because I want sympathy. I'm not looking for help. By writing this down and putting it out there I stop myself from doing something stupid. I know myself well enough to know that once this is posted I'll start feeling better and the suicidal urges will stop. This isn't a show or a plea for attention, this is me being honest.

I try hard to stay upbeat and positive all the time. I want to be an optimistic person who only sees the good in everybody and everything. The problem is that sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes the problems are too big to be considered anything but a problem. If you get enough of those on your plate at once it can be overwhelming.

My husband is dying. He's been telling me lately that he doesn't have the energy to fight anymore. I'm afraid that he's about to give up. I thought that I was ready for this, but how can you be? How do you prepare yourself to hear your best friend say that they're too tired to keep trying? And how do you help them keep going? When do you back off and say it's okay to stop fighting? Now that we found each other again I don't want to give him up.

And then there's my mom. Her health is getting worse. If she doesn't lose some weight fast Donny might outlive her. She's supposed to be having gastric bypass surgery, but every time we turn around there's another roadblock. This surgery is a matter of life or death now, but the doctors keep putting it off. They say that they want her to bring her BMI down, but we don't have that kind of time. I don't know what I'd do without her.

The list of people that I worry about goes on. My grandma isn't recovering from knee surgery nearly as well as I'd like. She's still in the nursing home doing rehab. The nursing home has had an outbreak of flu and it's apparently getting bad. I know that my grandma's a strong lady, but she's getting old. I don't know how much she'll be able to withstand.

All of that adds up to a lot on my mind. You have no idea how much it helps to tell somebody. I want to thank you for being there for me when I can't even tell the people around me what's going on.

Living for Today

2008-02-20T07:16:00.000-08:00

This month I trusted Donny to go to the doctor by himself. It's the first time that I haven't gone with him in a long time. He came home reporting that he had gained a little more weight and that everything else was the same.

The following day was my appointment. (I lost 4 pounds and my blood pressure dropped a little.) I walked in the back and the nurse starts telling me how good Donny looked the day before. The doctor was in the hallway there and he chimed in telling me how good Donny looked and how he could actually carry on a conversation. They both went on and on about how good he appeared to be doing. The doctor said that whatever I'm doing I need to keep it up. He actually said that the improvements are mmore likely to be due to me than him. It was nice to hear.

Things are going better right now. Not only is Donny's health doing okay right now, but things between us have improved. Every day I fall in love with him all over again. Things are going really well right now and I'm soaking up every minute of it while it lasts.

I can't help but worry a little though. Even though Donny looked better, there were no actual improvements in his health. No matter how pretty tthe wrapping is, his liver is still destroyed. But I can't help that little flame of hope that comes through when he's doing well. I know it's pointless since his health is still awful, but I can't quite extinguish it. It gets hard to remember how sick he is on the inside.

I'm afraid of the heartbreak that I'm setting myself up for. Donny's going to die sooner rather than later. All the doctor's agree about that. I want to enjoy what we have right now, but there's a part of me holding back. I'm terrified that I'm going to fall apart when I lose him. The worst thing is that there's nothing that I can do about it. I'm already head over heels for him, how do you undo that? How can you want to undo that?

I know that I'm borrowing trouble from tomorrow, but I can't seem to stop. So for now I ignore that nagging voice in the back of my head and just live for today.

A wonderful little adventure.

2008-02-19T07:50:00.000-08:00

Last night on my way home from work I hit a pothole. This wasn't just any pothole, it was the biggest damn pothole ever. For 2 weeks now I've been passing by it and talking about how it's big enough to really do some damage. Apparently I decided to test just what it'll do.

I hit that pothole going about 50 mph. I instantly heard a very fast leak in my tire. I pulled over to check out the damage and saw that I had a very flat front tire on the driver's side. I was going to change it myself, until I realized that the jack wouldn't fir under the car.

This is the point where I become very greatful that my husband insisted that I get roadside assistance for my car. I called the 800 number and told the nice lady where I was and that I needed a flat changed. She let me know that it'd be about an hour. And so the waiting began.

I was out in the country, parked in front of a dairy farm. The wait wouldn't have been too bad if it weren't for the fact that I needed a restroom NOW. I tried getting up and walking around, I tried just sittinig there. I tried to think about something else, but my bladder was very insistent on needing to be emptied. Donny called and he could hear the distress in my voice. When I told him what was wrong he said to open the door and go next to the car. He seemed to be incapable of understanding that on one side of the car was the road and on the other side was a bunch of farm hands. It just wasn't happening.

As I sat there being miserable because I'm way too shy to ask the guys working there if I can use the restroom the owner of the farm drives up. He pulled his pickup next to my car so that we could talk and checked to make sure that I was okay. I let him know that I had called for a tow-truck and it should be there soon. We chatted for a minute and then he told me where the bathrooms were and where the office was in case I needed anything. I instantly loved that man.

A few minutes after I came back from the restroom another pickup pulls up beside me. At first I thougt it was some concerned passerby. It took a second for me to catch on to the fact that this was the guy sent by my roadside assistance company. Considering the fact that I was concerned about further damage and considering having it towed, I wasn't too pleased that the guy didn't have a tow truck. Fortunately the car was drivable so there wasn't a huge issue.

I got home and Donny jumped in the car and said that he wanted to try and get to the tire shop before it closed. So we pull up as they're shutting the doors and Donny begins begging them to sell us a tire. A couple of guys stuck around a sold us a tire, fixed my bent rim, put the old tire on the front and the new one on the back, and put away my spare for next time. They were so nice about staying late. Also, if you show up when the guys are trying to get out of there, they're fast.

So today I'm taking my car in to get checked. I saw a couple of wet spots under it yesterday that concerned me. I'm still not convinced that I didn't do more damage than just a flat tire and bent rim. We shall see.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program...

2008-02-11T21:12:00.000-08:00

Donny's out of the hospital. My hours at work have been cut back again. Life is returning to normal. Or our closest possible imitation.

Next week my grandma is having knee replacement surgery. She finally lost all the weight that the doctor wanted gone and so she's been cleared for surgery. I almost typed cleared for takeoff. Can you tell that I'm tired?

My mom is starting the process for gastric bypass surgery. Her doctor asked for a personal favor from the surgeon to get him to take her on even though he doesn't take her insurance. Things have gotten bad with her. Her legs are having a hard time holding her, so she falls a lot. Her bones are getting real brittle, so she breaks something every time she falls. Her doctor wanted her in a wheelchair, but she refuses to let it go that far. So they've compromised, she uses a walker, and she's getting the surgery.

So life goes on. All in all I'd say that things are good here. I hope that all is well with all of you.

Still There

2008-02-11T07:31:00.000-08:00

Donny's still in the hospital. He didn't even switch to a different hospital. His roommate sat in the hall all day yesterday, which seems to help him keep his clothes on. At breakfast time yesterday they gave the roommate his tray and left him to feed himself. Apparently something wasn't good enough because the guy threw his tray hard enough that his glass dented the floor before shattering everywhere. From the way one lady told me the story it saounds as though Donny's lucky that the curtain stopped the flying glass from reaching him.

The saga of the roommate goes on. Yesterday it was his inconsiderate visitors that got on my nerves. They set a chair up in the doorway to the room and sat right in the way. Donny kept wanting to go for fresh air, but it meant him having to maneuver around whoever was sitting down at the time, since they wouldn't move out of the way. This wasn't so bad for me, but Donny's unsteady on his feet and he had to get himself and a walker through there. And it never occurred to these people that maybe they should move.

Last night Donny called me, all upset, because the roommate had kicked one of Donny's favorite nurses. I'm waiting to see how they deal with it. Some of this reminds me of how combative Donny can get when his ammonia levels are up. I really want to see how well they deal with combative patients.

Donny's lungs are still having a lot of problems. The pneumonia isn't too bad, we caught it early. The problem is that the emphysema is closing down his lungs. Yesterday the doctor said that Donny'll be there until they can get his lungs under control again. They're also planning on testing him to see if he needs to be on oxygen at home. We'll see how this visit goes.

I swear I didn't die.

2008-02-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

Things at work are finally slowing down. I've been working 7 days a week lately. By the time you add in my family wanting time with me I just haven't had near enough time for blogging. But now I'm supposed to only be on the schedule for 3 days a week for my tax job. And now that the year is closed out at my other job it should go back to 2-4 hours a week. The truly great thing is that all of a sudden I have time to breathe again.

Donny did really well at taking care of himself while things were so crazy for me. However, as the dust settles we find the damage. Donny's in the hospital right now with pneumonia. Since we finally got his insurance changed over we thought that we'd try the hospital that our doctor has privileges at.

We got to ER yesterday and talked to registration. This ER has a nurse out at registration that does a pre-triage and decides who needs to be triaged first. She talked to Donny and assured us that he would be next to be triaged. Triage saw him and got him right in a bed.

I never realized before yesterday that when Donny's having a hard time breathing it imitates a lot of the signs of a heart attack. In no time at all he was in a bed having an EKG done. They also did blood work lookiing for signs of a heart attack. And then they gave him low dose aspirin just to be on the safe side. I asked the doctor about all this and he said that it was standard procedure for when an older person comes in with Donny's complaints.

Being in a different ER was an interesting experience. I think that I like this ER better. We had arrived right after breakfast, so when lunch time rolled around Donny was hungry. The ER tech brought him a lunch tray. After dealing with an ER that had no food that was a nice change. They also allowed us to set up his portable DVD player to keep him entertained. The only problem that we ran into was when the doctor came in ready to discharge Donny because the tech said that Donny had said he was ready to go home. I was in there with Donny and I know he never said that. The doctor left the room and the next doctor that came in was the one who admitted him.

This hospital is okay, but I still haven't learned the lay of the land. I never could find the caffeteria last night. I did find some vending machines that had food in them, so I had a burrito from a vending machine for dinner. I think that today I'll figure out where things are.

And then this morning Donny calls me and tells me that I need to come get him. He says that he'll go tothe other hospital if needed, but I need to get him out of there. When I asked him why I just had to laugh at his answer. Last night a man in his 80s who has dementia was put in Donny's room. This morning that man decided that he didn't want to wear any clothing. So this guy keeps getting up, stripping, and then wandering around the room. Apparently the staff is having a really hard time keeping this guy clothed. I told Donny that he can't sign out AMA and that I'd see him after church. We'll see how this goes.

I really am here (sort of)

2008-01-27T23:40:00.000-08:00

My how time flies. Things are picking up at the office. The district manager wanted to move me to a busier office because they needed help, but my manager wouldn't hear of it. She traded 2 other preparers to keep me. I'm glad because I don't want to switch offices. However, this means that everybody is picking up more hours to cover the loss. A 40 hour week is nice, but it's stretched over 6 days. Right now I get Saturdays off, but that's subject to change.

The worst thing about picking up more hours is that my home life suffers because of it. I may have been scheduled for 8 hours today, but I worked 11. Add on an hour drive each way and I'm not home much. There is so much that needs done. And my poor husband probably thinks that I don't know who he is. But the madness should only be for another 3 weeks or so. I hope.

In the midst of all this going on a close friend of ours thought that he was losing his dad. The hospital had sent the man to a convalescent home to wait things out, but it really didn't look good. He had pneumonia and it was bad. And then yesterday he woke up and started asking for food and medicine. He seems to have pulled through, but it was intense for a while there.

All of this is shared as an explanation and an apology for the lack of posts lately. Give me a few weeks. I keep being told that in March things will calm down. Join me in praying that it's true.

Bullshit or truth?

2008-01-24T22:24:00.000-08:00

I'm having a new problem with Donny, and I can't decide whether or not to believe him. He does things that really upset me and then later claims to have no recollection of them at all. We're talking complete amnesia for the time frame involved.

Last night we got into a major fight. As in discussing how to divide our things when he leaves kind of major fight. He kept yelling and screaming at me. It was really bad. His level of anger was off the charts. I can't even find words to describe what happened.

At the end of the fight we decided to get a room in town since we had to be there today anyway. I agreed mostly because I didn't want to subject my family to Donny the way that he was behaving. We got to the room and he laid down and went to sleep.

About 3 hours after going to sleep Donny woke up and started talking to me. He used a normal tone of voice and was nice. It was as if nothing had happened. I flopped down on to the bed and burst into tears. According to Donny that was his first clue that something was wrong.

Donny swore that he couldn't remember anything from shortly before the fight until he woke up in the motel room. Then he started remembering "pieces" of the evening. He can remember going to the store. He remembers talking to the homeless guy. But he can't remember the fight at all.

I'm especially skeptical about his lack of memory because that's his excuse for not apologizing for his behavior. He's said a couple of times that he'd apologize, but he wouldn't know what he was apologizing for, and he won't apologize without knowing why. He refuses to talk about it and let me tell him what happened. I've managed to tell him a little, but then he shuts me down. From what he has heard he claims that I must have started it.

It's at this point that I want to tell him that he's full of shit. He's claiming that his medical problems are to blame, but I'm not so sure. I know that his brain is shrinking and all, but does that really explain all this? I wish that there was a handbook that could give me clear answers on stuff like this.

Results

2008-01-18T23:37:00.000-08:00

I saw the doctor today and he said that my slippers look like tribbles. (I was having a fuzzy slipper day.) He also said that all my bloodwork came back looking great. At this point he's fairly sure that the problem is my blood pressure. The bottom number is still a little high. I'm to lose some weight and see if we can't get that number a little lower. If my blood pressure gets back to normal and I'm still having dizzy spells then I'll have to start more intense testing. So now the weight loss attempt begins.

My doctor got me curious about tribbles so I looked them up. He's right, my slippers look like I stuck my feet into a couple of tribbles. This picture is frighteningly similar to my slippers.

Freedom of Speech

2008-01-18T23:30:00.000-08:00

Last night I finally came home after being gone for a bit. One of the first things that I did was sit down with my mom for a chat. I've missed her. It was great to catch up on what was going on around here while we were gone.

One of the things that my mom talked to me about was the fact that my uncle found my blog. The uncle that was staying here. Apparently he got on the computer right after my mom and used her internet browser to surf the web. She had left my blog open on there and he saw it. Afterwards he talked to my mom about how hurt his feelings were that I referred to him as a pedophile.

This is why my mom is the only person in my family that has the address for this blog. This is the one and only place where I don't have to censor myself to spare somebody's feelings. I say what I want when I want because they won't know. So, if you're related to me and have stumbled on this site be forewarned. You might not like what you read. If you don't, then quit reading it, because this is my one area of free speech.

I'm baaa-aaack

2008-01-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

I'm back from never-never land. Okay, it wasn't really never-never land, but it was a nice break from reality.

Today my dad's aunt moved out. My mom, my uncle and a friend of ours took my aunt up to her new place and got her all moved in. I'm thrilled that she got a place for her and for us. When her son gets out of jail tomorrow he won't be coming here. Not to mention the trouble she kept constantly stirred up.

Tomorrow my uncle checks in to jail. I don't know how long he'll be staying. It's not a state secret, I just never thought to ask. Since he's been here I've been gone so he hasn't had time to get on my nerves yet, but everybody does eventually.

It'll be great to be back to just the 5 of us again. I love my family, but it's been hard having extra people around so much. I'm looking forward to things falling into a boring routine. In about 2 weeks I should be complaining about how boring my life is. Right now the thought of that is exciting.

While we were away Donny and I took a night to go stay in Monterey. It was beautiful. We really need to get over there more often. We splurged and had dinner at Bubba Gump's. The appetizer and dessert were great, but we weren't thrilled with the entree. We split a bucket of trash and it just seemed to not be as good as last time we were there. My biggest objection was the deep fried lobster. Who does that to lobster? It ruined it.

Last Monday Donny had his monthly doctor appointment. We finally got the results of the EEG that was done last October. We also got the official results of the CT scan that was done on Donny's head last time he was in the hospital. His brain appears to be normal except for the fact that it's atrophying.

Yes, you heard me right, his brain is getting smaller. I almost laughed when the doctor said that it's atrophying. All I could think of is that I've been told that your muscles atrophy with lack of use. I started wondering if that's what happened to Donny's brain.

I've had a couple days to think about things and right now I'm not too worried about the brain problems. The doctor didn't seem worried and I think that I'll take my cue from him. Besides, what can be done about it? I don't see how this can be stopped or fixed, so why fret about something that I can do nothing about?

Tomorrow I see the doctor for a follow-up about the dizzy spells. I really think that he'll say that they're stress induced, which stresses me out. I've come close to passing out a couple times now and I'm starting to worry about driving. But if I can't drive then how on earth am I supposed to work and take care of Donny and keep up with all my other commitments? Although now that I think about it, there really aren't any other commitments. In an effort to save my sanity I cut out all but the bare necessities from my schedule. So now what do I cut when I need to reduce the stress in my life? I just don't know what to do.

Well, on that depressing note, I think that I'll go catch up on all the blogs that I've been missing.

HELP ME!!!

2008-01-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been hectic. I've been working and there's been a lot that Donny has needed from me. Today is my day off and I told Donny that he could have my day. There's a list of stuff that he wants to get done that requires my attention.

We went looking for a new (used) car today. We found one that we like and have filled out some paperwork. We're waiting for word from the bank about financing the car. The salesman thinks that he can get us a loan, but it sure is taking a while. If he can do something for us then I will be getting a Ford Taurus.

My husband also wants to go spend some time staying at a motel. My uncle didn't get taken into custody when he turned himself in yesterday, so he came to stay with us until he goes in on the 18th. And on the 18th my dad's cousin gets out of jail. With any luck my aunt will be in her new place by then, otherwise the cousin will come stay with us. The good news is that dad's aunt has found a place to rent, she just needs to follow through with paperwork and moving.

All of this to say, if I disappear until the 18th, you know where I am. If I disappear past the 18th it's because I killed somebody. If that happens I'll try to get assigned to a prison with internet access. Then I could give you the low-down on prison life. A whole new kind of blog baby!

Another Update

2008-01-06T23:01:00.000-08:00

And for our final update (at least for now), Donny is out of the hospital. His mind was quite a bit clearer this morning when I got to the hospital. And when the doctor asked Donny knew the answer to what today's date is. He knew where he was and where he wanted to be. The only thing that the doctor was concerned about was if I had enough lactulose on hand at home. Ha! Like I'd even consider running out! Trust me, we're never anywhere near low on lactulose.

I did think to ask the doctor about the results from the CT scan of Donny's head. They found that he has no brain. Seriously, they didn't see anything abnormal. I now know that my husband's brain is not bleeding. What I don't know is if there is another problem exacerbating the hepatic encephalopathy. (There, I used big words today, we can now go back to regular speech.) It seems that his confusion was much worse than it should have been for his ammonia level, but that's something that I'll take up with our regular doctor.

So after I sprung Donny from the hospital I took him to see his mom. While he was visiting with her my mom and I went shopping. I found two really nice tops for work and my mom convinced me that the smartest thing to do was to buy them. Add to that the top I found on a really good sale yesterday and I'd be doing really well for work clothes if I'd do laundry.

We got home and spent a little time settling Donny in and being sure that he has what he needs. And then I got to take an entire evening to relax at home guilt free. It was great! I'm hoping to get a little more at home time now.

Tomorrow my mom is taking the old ladies and leaving. They'll be gone overnight. I can't tell you how excited I am. For the first time in I don't know how long Donny and I will get the house to ourselves for a few hours. From the time I get home from dropping dad off at work until I have to leave for work we'll have nobody here but the two of us. I'm so excited! Well, I just looked at the time. If I'm going to drive my dad to work in the morning I should get some sleep. Have a good night.

Update

2008-01-04T23:02:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update because I'm exhausted. Donny still wasn't thinking clearly today. I asked what year it is. He stopped and thought about it for a few minutes, and then he answered Friday. He got the right answer, it just was the wrong question. When I tried to leave for work he wanted to walk me out to the car. It took calling security to get him to stay behind. Talk about feeling guilty.

About mid morning Donny's nurse called me at work. She needed some more background info on Donny. The doctor had ordered a CT of Donny's head and there were questions to be answered before they could do it. His nurse said that they did one with contrast and one without. There's a small chance of having results tomorrow, but most likely it'll be Monday before we hear anything.

So for now Donny's staying in the hospital. That could change tomorrow, but I'm not thinking that far ahead.

Work went very well today. I started working on my first return for a real person, but the guy didn't have all his info yet so we can't finish it yet. I was scared to death, but I did okay. Except for the fact that I did it all in practice mode, which meant that I had to do it over again.

Other than that it's been an uneventful day. Now I'm headed to bed. I don't have to leave until 10:00 in the morning, so I'm looking forward to sleeping in. Goodnight!

Life

2008-01-03T22:29:00.000-08:00

I'm finally getting to write again. The last few days have been hectic and I haven't had the energy to post. Donny's still in the hospital. Yesterday was my first day on the job. It's been a hectic week.

Today was not a good day. When I got to the hospital this morning it was just after change of shift and one of the night nurses chatted with me for a few minutes in the lobby. She was telling me that at three this morning Donny was standing at his bedroom door waiting for me. When it was pointed out that it was too early for me to be there he said that I had promised to come first thing in the morning and so he knew that I'd be there any minute. Then they explained that I wouldn't be allowed in until eight. He just repeated the whole thing about my promise. When I heard all that I knew that I was in for it.

I got to Donny's room and he greeted me by telling me that we were leaving. I asked him what was going on and he said that the doctor said that he had to leave. I went and asked the nurse about it, but she wasn't aware that the doctor had already seen Donny, and she couldn't find any discharge instructions. When I questioned Donny about it he told me that the doctor had said that he wasn't sick and that he was a "good for nothing piece of shit". That didn't sound like any doctor I'd met. He then told me that a security guard had come and told him that he could stay. When the doctor got there to do his rounds I asked him about it. He hadn't been there at all yet, so I started wondering if some other man had been in Donny's room, and Donny was just confused about what was said. But when Donny claimed that it was a man who looked just like the doctor I knew what was going on. He'd had a rather good hallucination. I let the doctor know what I'd figured out and then told Donny that the mean doctor wouldn't be back.

Later on in the morning Donny asked me to lean a little closer. He then started picking at one part of my face. When I asked him what he was doing he said that he was trying to get the bug off my face. I guess I should be thankful that he didn't try to kill it while it was on my face. A few minutes later he started using his cane to shoot the bugs that only he could see crawling across his floor. It was interesting.

Today was spent trying to keep Donny calm. He wanted me to fix any problem that he thought he was having. He thought that the nurse wasn't giving him his medicine, so he wanted me to give him some from the stuff that we have for home. Never mind the fact that I didn't have his medicine with me, why on earth would I give him medicine when he's in the hospital? I could kill him doing that. The best possible outcome would be an overdose. He got really angry when I refused to give him medicine or to harass the nurse. I know that she's giving him what he needs, she doesn't need people who know nothing about it trying to tell her how to do her job.

I finally left out of self defense. I couldn't stay and let him call me names any longer. Maybe it's a poor attitude, but I decided to just let the nurses deal with him. They can tell him no every five minutes. They can stop him from leaving, I can't do it anymore. Although the nurses say I'm wrong, I still think that he's got to be calmer when I'm gone. I don't see how the nurses stop themselves from shooting me when I arrive.

What worries me the most is that he's too confused for his ammonia level. It was at 65 today and he was hallucinating. Yesterday they were supposed to do an MRI of his brain to see if they could find other causes for the confusion, but the doctors changed their mind. Apparently they believe that it's just the ammonia level. With any luck his ammonia levels will be normal tomorrow and we'll see if his brain returns to normal. The doctor that's overseeing the resident that's taking care of Donny was talking today about possibly discharging him tomorrow. I just hope that they don't push him out the door too soon.

On a brighter note, My first day in the office was yesterday. I met all my co-workers and they seem like a nice bunch of people. And my manager is a blast. I'm really looking forward to tax season. Does it count as a mental illness that I'm excited about doing taxes? I enjoy it. That's got to be a sickness.

My Day

2007-12-30T22:50:00.000-08:00

This morning I was headed into my room to grab some clothes and Donny woke up. He looked at me and said hello. I asked him to take some lactulose and he agreed. After that he just kept saying hello over and over again. After about 5 minutes he went back to sleep. I decided that he'd be okay for a bit and I went to church.

Church had ended and we were all standing around talking when my cell phone rang. My battery chose that moment to die so I didn't get the call. Then my friend's phone rang, and I knew. My mom was calling to let me know that Donny was sitting in the living room with his pants down and he didn't seem to know anybody. So I went home.

After much hard work I got Donny in the car. This was after he tried to simply walk through my frail, elderly aunt. My mom helped me get all Donny's stuff out to the car and made sure that I had some form of money on me. Then we were off to the hospital.

What does it say when ER staff members recognize you? Especially when one of them is the head security guard. I know he recognized me since he talked with me about what happened last time and the fact that security might get called again. The nice thing was that he helped me keep an eye on Donny, who felt the need to sit in as many chairs as he could find available. And he almost tried to sit in a couple of chairs that weren't available.

The tech in triage recognized us. He was helping the little blonde nurse that lives on the other coast the last time that we were in. I liked him that time, but I'm not so sure about this time. He seemed a little to quick to move to force with Donny, but maybe he was having one of those days.

Both doctors that we saw recognized us. The ER doc is one that I really like. Come to think of it, I like most of the ER docs there. He was as nice as always. Then came the resident. This is the same resident that had me in tears last time. He asked me if I thought that I could get Donny to take his lactulose at home. I could see where this was going, so I told him no. He was really going to try to send him home again this time.

When the lady from the lab came to draw Donny's blood I had to help pin him so that she could do it. When the nurse needed to start an IV I had to help pin him so that it could be done. When the lady wanted to do an ultrasound I had to pin Donny so that she could. When the other lady from the lab came for the second round of blood work I had to help pin Donny so that she could draw his blood. Then she called his nurse in and the lady from the lab and I had to pin Donny so that the nurse could draw his labs. And the doctor thinks that I can take care of him by myself. They're going to do a feeding tube to get his medicine down him, but he thinks that I should be doing this at home. How stupid can you get.

The hospital has assigned a sitter to be with Donny because of his confusion. It's the first time that this has been done. It's a nice alternative to restraints. I wonder if he'll be able to stay out of the restraints throughout the night.

Admitting never came and saw Donny while I was there. They never got his insurance information. It makes me wonder if they're just going by his files from previous trips. All the information is the same. Still, I thought that he'd have to sign something. Oh well, that's their problem. I don't need to worry about it until tomorrow.

A Bad Wife

2007-12-29T22:57:00.001-08:00

I often feel like a bad wife. I doubt myself and my choices a lot. Right now Donny is sleeping, just like he has all day. He's refusing to take his lactulose. When he wakes up he tends to be combative. I know where this is heading. But he's not at the hospital. Why? Well, that's where the bad wife part comes in.

I have decided to wait and see if I can't get him to improve here. I'm fairly certain that he's not bad enough to be admitted to the hospital yet. There's nothing that ER can really do to help, so we wait. Tomorrow things might change, but right now it looks like we'll be headed to the hospital in the morning.

All of this is made worse because a friend of my mom's woke up to find that her husband had died in the night. He was really sick and we knew that this was coming, but we all thought that there would be a few more months.

This lady is the one person with whom I've truly been able to share my journey, since she was walking the same path as me. We've vented about our husbands together, knowing that we wouldn't be judged. Through her I discovered that it's okay to be upset with somebody, even if they are sick.

My heart breaks for her. It's way too easy to imagine what she's going through. And yet I can't imagine it at all. To lose your best friend must be a bigger pain than I could ever imagine.

Today I got a reminder of why we're making decisions and arrangements now. It may be morbid, but we're planning Donny's funeral now. I don't want to be faced with all these decisions when I'm in the worst possible frame of mind to deal with them. I'm actually looking forward to getting it all done. Once we've done all that we can to prepare for death we can get on with life.

Updates

2007-12-28T22:50:00.000-08:00

Let me start off by saying that Christmas was wonderful. We had brunch with some close friends of ours, then we had a family day at home. Everybody took a nap, followed by game time. The friends who provided brunch stopped by and we played a game together. After they left we sat around talking and just enjoying being a family. It was nice while it lasted.

Yesterday I took Donny to see the GI. This doctor is one who we've not cared for in the past. I'm sure he knows his stuff, but he has the personality of a wet rag. The first time that we saw him (which was about 2 years ago) Donny walked out of there describing him as House. His personality really does rival Dr. House.

The doctor did tell us that if Donny wants to get a liver transplant he has to stop drinking and give up the pain killers. The smoking thing makes sense, but the painkillers just aren't happening. He has very bad chronic back pain that can't be fixed. We looked into all the options before the rest of his health got so bad, painkillers are all that can be done. If you think that I'm going to live with him while he gives up the painkillers and smoking then you're smoking something. It will be ugly.

While the doctor didn't do much for us, he did spark a conversation about quality of life versus quantity of life. If you're going to have to live in excruciating pain, do you really want to go on living? At what point do you say screw it, I'm just going to enjoy what's left? And who should you discuss this with? Do his daughters, who have very little contact with us, deserve to be a part of this decision? Do I force the issue of including them? And do we put it off until the youngest decides to start talking to us again? I hat the decisions that have to be made.

The other thing that this Dr. is doing for (to?) Donny is an endoscopy. Apparently this should have been done a long time ago, since he's been diagnosed with portal hypertension. I swear, liver disease needs an instruction manual. There are so many things that I don't know I should be asking about. Every time we go to the doctor I have a list of questions for him. And there's still so much more to learn. I need to become a nurse just so I stand a chance of understanding what's going on.

In other news, my dad's cousin is supposed to be getting out of jail. We have high hopes that this means that grandma's sister will be moving out. Glen gets out of jail sometime in the middle of January. Donny says that Lenora said that he'll be living here until they can find a place. Lenora asked my mom to drop her off in the town that they usually live in on the 31st so that she can look for a place to stay. Please join me in praying that she has much success with her search.

My dad's brother is checking in to jail on the 8th. He has court that day and then he goes to jail from there. I really need to do some research to find out what kind of penalties a pedophile faces for not re registering every year. It'd be nice to have an idea of how long we can expect him to be locked up.

Well, I believe that's all my updates. Goodnight for now.

The Reason I Celebrate

2007-12-24T14:58:00.000-08:00

Luke 2:1-20

The Birth of Jesus
1In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3And everyone went to his own town to register.

4So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
The Shepherds and the Angels
8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
14"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

15When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Cookies

2007-12-23T00:09:00.000-08:00

What the hell possessed me to make me think that I wanted to bake cookies? And why on earth would I think that I wanted to make cookie trays for people? How long could my brain been out of commission for, that I actually bought the ingredients?

My grandma bakes cookies on a scale only rivaled by some of the larger cookie manufacturers. Those little elves in a tree don't know what baking is. I think it was last week that I mailed off 18 boxes of cookies for her. The week before that it was only four since they were going overseas. And now there are more boxes to be mailed. I think it's about 16, but I'm not sure.

All of that should give me a clear idea of what I was undertaking, and I did it anyway. I'm only doing cookies for 3 or 4 families, so I don't need as many. I had figured that if I did one kind each day, starting on Wednesday, I'd have no problems being ready. Ha!

I think it was Tuesday night that I made my sugar cookie dough. It has to be refrigerated, so it didn't get baked that night. On Wednesday night I made some no bake cookies since I was too tired to do anything else. On Thursday I didn't get home until late, so nothing got done. Last night I was too tired to attempt anything. This all leads to me having too much baking to do today.

This morning I tried to get started, but Donny needed me. So this afternoon I went in and made the truffle dough. Then i baked off sugar cookies while the truffle dough was in the fridge. Then I rolled out truffles. Then I made mocha truffle cookies. Oh wait, somewhere in there I stopped for dinner. All I know is that after 9 hours of baking I'm still not done. There's still gooey caramel bars and lacy oatmeal cookies to do. Oh, and one more kind of no-bake cookie. And tomorrow we go see my mother-in-law.

Have you ever tried baking while dizzy? Let me tell you something, it adds a whole new level to the baking. I felt like some dumb drunk. Walking in a straight line is an under appreciated talent.

Well, I gotta go to bed now. I'm hoping that the baking will seem much more manageable after a good night's rest.

Not Now

2007-12-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor today. The bottom number on my blood pressure was a little high. I figure that there's enough stress in my life that I should be allowed the occasional high reading. All my previous readings have been normal, so one high reading isn't going to freak me out.

I talked to the doctor about the dizziness. He's going to run some blood tests to make sure that we don't miss anything, but he seems to suspect that it's stress related. I'm hoping that's all it is. I'm scared of having something wrong that means missing more work. I don't like starting a job at the same time that I may end up needing frequent doctor appointments.

I go back in a month for results. If anything major shows up in my blood work he'll call me in before then. I was going to get away with going back in three months, but then he looked at my blood pressure. He wants to check it again in a month just to be sure that it's nothing.

Christmas Fun

2007-12-21T22:14:00.000-08:00

This post comes via Mielikki. It looked like fun, so I decided to play along. If you want to play too please join in.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?- Depends on how hard it will be to wrap. I prefer using wrapping paper though, it's more fun to open.

2. Real or Artificial Tree? Artificial. My mom's allergic to real. This time of year sucks for her.

3. When do you put up the tree? Normally it goes up the day after Thanksgiving, but this year it was a little later. Last week we finally bought a miniature tree that's fiber-optic to put on a table in the living room. We just didn't want to go to the hassle of dragging out the big tree.

4. When do you take the tree down? As late as we can get away with. Actually it usually comes down around January 2nd or 3rd.

5. Do you like eggnog? I love the stuff, but not with alcohol in it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? The only ones that I can recall was the year of coloring books and crayons. That was all I would ask for, so that's just about all I got. My mom counted something like 22 coloring books and about 10 different boxes of crayons. Not much variety, but I was thrilled.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Not that I can find, but I know I have one somewhere.

8. Worst Christmas Gift you ever received? I can't think of any truly bad gifts.

9. Mail or E mail Christmas Cards? What Christmas cards?

10. Favorite Christmas Movie?- The only one that I've watched recently is the Polar Express, and only because it's the only movie that my 2 year old nephew will watch right now.

11. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I have the money.

12. Favorite thing to eat on Christmas? Everything. (I didn't get fat by being a picky eater.)

13. Clear lights or colored? Colored on the tree, clear outside

14. Favorite Christmas Song? All the traditional carols and anything by Trans Siberian Orchestra.

15. Travel at Christmas, or stay home? Right now it's stay home, but when I lived away from my parents I would come home for Christmas.

16. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Nope, I have better things to do with my memory.

17. Angel or Star on the tree? It was an angel as I was growing up and I always figured that's what I'd use on my own tree someday. The first year that I had my own tree my best friend gave me a star for the top and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

18. Presents, Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day? When I was little it was 1 on Christmas Eve and the rest in the morning, then we moved close to my grandparents. When my grandma was about 9 she watched her identical twin sister burn to death on Christmas Eve. With her we always open gifts on Christmas Eve to help keep her mind off of that memory.

19. Most Annoying thing this time of year? The fact that Jesus is being taken out of the celebration of his birthday. I know that everybody doesn't believe the same way as me, but that doesn't give them the right to tell me that my beliefs are insensitive and need to be hidden so as to not offend others. What about the possibility of offending me? Where are my rights? (Okay, I'll step down off the soapbox now. Otherwise this could take awhile.)

20. What do you leave for Santa? We never did this. I guess Santa's on a diet at my house. I'm sure that Mrs. Claus will thank me.

21. Least favorite holiday song. I can't think of one.

22. Do you decorate your tree with any theme or color? No, I love our hodge-podge collection of ornaments. To me it's way more beautiful than the department-store-perfect trees.

23. Favorite Ornament? The crocheted iceskates

24.Family tradition? We always have clam chowder on Christmas Eve. The night that we decorate the tree we have the first eggnog of the season and cookies. We turn it into a little party, just for our family. Also, my mom has a tree skirt that was made with quilt blocks. Every year she writes where her and dad spend Christmas on one of the blocks. It goes all the way back to the beginning of their marriage. It's a really neat record of their Christmases. I have a tree skirt like it, but I haven't had a tree of my own since getting it. When it finally gets unpacked there's going to be a lot of catching up to do.

25. Ever been to midnight mass or late night Christmas Eve services? The latest Christmas Eve service that I've been to starts at 6:00 p.m., not that late. But when I was little we would go to church on New Year's Eve. We'd have a church service and then everybody would play games and eat until midnight. It was always a lot of fun. And it was the one time all year that I got to wear pajamas to church.

A busy day

2007-12-19T23:22:00.000-08:00

Donny finally got over being mad at me, although after today I don't know if that will still be true. My day was busy. It got off to a great start. Donny and I did fine this morning. My mom took me out to breakfast. And then I went shopping. I got everything I was looking for at the first store that I went to. Go pick up my mom and she takes me out to lunch.

I knew that things were going to get a bit hectic when I called my friend that's doing the tax stuff with me. I needed to let her know that I would be meeting her at our training session instead of having her pick me up at my house. That's when she reminded me that's when she reminded me that I was supposed to watch her son for about an hour this morning. I had completely forgotten. She was quick to forgive me and reminded me that I was babysitting tonight. Good thing she reminded me.

As I sat waiting for my mom to finish what she was doing so that we could go to lunch I had another dizzy spell. These are getting annoying. It was followed by the trick my eyes play on me where it looks like there's fog rolling in waves up my eyes. It's really weird. And then at lunch I got dizzy again. This time it lasted close to half an hour. That's when mom took the car keys away.

After lunch mom dropped me off at our training thing. It was long and rather boring. I was getting sore because the chair I was in was tilted just right that I was fighting to not get dumped in the floor. I would have gotten a different chair, but the next available chair was spoken for by the guy that was sitting on a box.

After training I went to my friend's house to babysit. I know that Donny's upset that I didn't tell him in advance that I had this to do, but I had completely forgotten. I had expected to be done in about 3 hours. It took a little over 5. But that's okay, we had fun.

Have you ever done a gingerbread house with a 2 year old? Let me tell you something, they're not that interested. The only reason that he stayed by my side was because I had a steady stream of sugar available. he was licking the trees that I was making. (They're covered in frosting.) He finally took a sugar cone, heavily frosted the inside, and ate it. He also helped himself quite heavily to my candy. A little after 10:00 he greeted his mother as she came in by running in circles right in front of her. I hate to think how she'll get me back for this.

Well, I'm dizzy again, so I must need to go to bed. Goodnight.

Lord help us all!

2007-12-16T12:35:00.000-08:00

Donny is pissed at me. He is so pissed at me that he tried to ground me. Now you may not know this, but I can be rather stubborn. When he tried to ground me I laughed at him. To prove that he couldn't ground me I then went shopping with my mom. (I still can't find blouses for work.) The worst part about this fight is that it's because I force him to take care of himself.

Yesterday I needed to go to the grocery store. Donny said that he'd go with me. He wanted a soda and he wanted out of the house. This sounded good, so my mom told me to use her money to get him some soda and a thing of Limburger cheese.

We got in the car to go and Donny looks at me and says, "Let the fighting begin. Can I have a couple beers?" My immediate, and rather emphatic, answer was no. I will not let him go down that path again. So he got out of the car and went back in the house. I went in and got dinner ready so that I could go shopping with my mom. I decided to go with our original plan of me fixing dinner and then we'd go to the grocery store before heading into town.

As I was fixing dinner Donny came in and told me that he'd changed his mind and I was no longer allowed to go shopping with my mom. I ignored him and continued what I was doing. He came back a few minutes later and said that he wanted to talk to me. I filed that away in my head and finished what I was doing.

When dinner was ready I found Donny to see what he needed. He told me again that I wasn't to go shopping with my mom. He claims that I have him trapped in our house and won't let him go anywhere or do anything. That's why for the next 2 weeks I'm only allowed to go to work and then come straight home.

That didn't really fly with me. I pointed out that I'm always asking him to go places with me, but he doesn't ever feel like it, so I don't push it. He then said that I have him cut off from everything. I asked what I have him cut off from, besides booze. He said his medicine. I pointed out that I give him his medicine just how it's prescribed. I told him that if he had problems with his medicine then he needed to take it up with his doctor. He quit trying to argue with me then.

So I left, and came home to one very pissed off husband. I went to church this morning, and came home to one very pissed off husband. I'm now wondering how long he'll nurse this grudge. I hope it passes soon, I don't have the patience for this for much longer.

I'm now wondering if any of this is related to his medicine. He just started a round of steroids and I've heard that they can make people aggressive. If that's the case then I've got 2 weeks of this to look forward to. May God have mercy on us all.

Yeah Me!

2007-12-15T23:54:00.000-08:00

I got my score from my final back today. I got 100%! This gave me 98% overall for the class. That was the highest grade in our class. My friend that was doing the class with me (who did taxes last year) got a slightly lower score than me, which means that I get the bragging rights. I get a couple days to bask in the joy of this, and then I start my training. At least that's paid time. I'm so happy! :)

Decisions, decisions...

2007-12-13T22:14:00.000-08:00

For a while now Donny and I have talked about moving once we get our finances in order. Things are finally looking up, so the debate has become more involved. We really don't know what to do.

Living in our current home is not an ideal situation. I love my family, but they drive me nuts sometimes. The worst of it is that my grandma and her sister don't deal well with Donny. They have a hard time accepting that his brain is gone and so there's no changing his odd behaviors. And, to be honest, I'm sick of hearing how awful my husband is. He may not be very functional now, but this isn't the real Donny. The real Donny is buried somewhere under all that confusion and it's for him that we keep trying.

The drawback to getting a place of our own is that I'm starting a full time job. Who's going to stay with Donny while I work? I certainly can't leave him home alone all day. He's not safe by himself. Everybody that I know has a life of their own and is unable to drop everything to sit with Donny all day. I just don't see how we'd get around that.

So the debate rages on. At the moment it's all academic anyway. But the day is coming quickly where we'll need to make a decision.

Good News

2007-12-13T11:13:00.000-08:00

I just talked to Donny's lawyer. He's been approved for Social Security disability! This opens up so many possibilities for him. After comments to my last, rather depressed, post I started looking into hospice care. It was really discouraging to see them all talk about getting Medicare to pay for their services. Now that he's been declared disabled I have hope that he'll qualify for more services. I really think that this will open up a lot of treatment possibilities. There's hope again!

Bedtime

2007-12-11T22:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a long, but fun day. I went shopping with my mom. I need clothes for the office, but I'm on a budget. This makes clothes shopping a challenge. I love a challenge. I was at one of the pricier stores that I like, looking at the clearance racks. I found some pants that were exactly what I was looking for, and they were my size. So I started looking for a price. The only sign that I could see said $4.99. Now, I know that I was shopping a clearance rack, but these were $44.99 normally, so I knew that couldn't be the price. I finally asked somebody who worked there to check the price for me. They were $4.99! I got three new pairs of pants.

Last night I babysat for my pastor. I got the kids from the other babysitter at 8:00. I had the girls put their jammies on right away because I wanted to get them into bed. Their mom had laid out clean jammies for all three girls right where they couldn't be missed in the living room floor. So the girls stripped down right there in the living room and changed. The youngest one took the middle girl's jammies and had the shirt on before anybody realized what she had done. Getting the right jammies on her caused the first meltdown.

They informed me that they were hungry, the other babysitter didn't give them dinner (not true), they always get a bedtime snack, and so on. So I let them have some crackers with peanutbutter and a little milk. The youngest one got over her meltdown and joined us for snack. her cracker broke and so it became unacceptable to her. So she threw it across the table at her sister. That's when I removed her from the table, and so began the second meltdown.

I took her in the hallway, awa from the noise, and was kind of rocking her and trying to calm her down. I asked her if she wanted a snack and she told me no. So I asked her if she wanted some milk and she told me no. Then I asked her if she just wanted to be disagreeable, and she said yes. Lovely, she's not quite three and she's already PMSing.

Snack time was over and I got the girls to brush their teeth, one at a time. (The girls, not the teeth.) I was a little alarmed at the number of books tthat they had brought to me for bedtime story, but figured that they would get one each. (For the chapter book it was one chapter each.) I was informed that they normally got two books or two chapters each at bedtime. That's a lot of reading, but their dad's as big of a nerd as mine, so I could see that being the norm.

At the end of story time the oldest tried really hard to convince me to read one more chapter out of her book. When that didn't work she tried to convince me that she always gets time to read to herself before lights out. She was really put out when that didn't work. And the youngest was really put out when I didn't let her crawl into bed with her sister. And so she tried to go into meltdown number three, but she was just too tired.

Somewhere around 9:30 or 9:45 I finally had the girls settled and left their room. By 10:00 they were all asleep.

I still say that it's harder to put Donny to bed.

Ho hum...

2007-12-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

I had a fairly average day today. This morning Donny decided to take his medicine after all. He's terrified of being put in restraints again. When his head's clear he realizes that he can avoid restraints by taking his lactulose, so he's usually pretty good about taking it.

I went grocery shopping with my parents today. We spent $478.37 in one LONG trip to the store. Let me tell you, our monthly shopping trips are not for the faint of heart. My mom and I got worried when we realized that we'd lost my dad and he had his own cart. Fortunately he didn't put very much in it, because I had to track him down and trade carts since mine and mom's were full. I was exhausted by the time we left the store.

After spending almost $500 dollars on groceries, we had KFC for dinner. I was too damn tired to cook. Donny woke up just as we were sitting down to eat, so for once he actually joined us at the dinner table. It was nice to have a family dinner, even if Donny and Aunt Lenora couldn't stop sniping at each other for very long.

After dinner I took a chair into the kitchen and sat down to start working on the groceries. I had to sort through all the bags and make sure that all the perishables were put away. I also had to sort out the stuff that's being saved for something special and set it aside. As I was sitting there doing this a large can of pumpkin fell of the counter. The edge of it hit my knee and it felt like it dug in behind the knee cap some. Let me tell you, that smarts.

I found out today that my babysitting job tomorrow will be easier than I thought. I'm to show up at 8:00, just after the first babysitter puts the kids to bed. I just have to be a live, warm, adult body in the house. A piece of cake!

Ups and Downs

2007-12-08T21:34:00.000-08:00

Today was a day of ups and downs for me. I didn't do the reading for my class this morning. I simply had run out of time well before I ran out of stuff to do. I was also a little worried because I thought that I needed to study more before my final on parts 2 & 3 today.

When class started the instructor asked the class if anybody had done the reading. Nobody spoke up, so at least I wasn't alone. He then said that it was okay since none of it would be on the final. What a relief!

It got better when we only used about half the morning session for that chapter. Our instructor decided to use the other half to review what would be on the final. He told us that we could have a page of notes for the closed book portion of the final. And then he went over each question one by one, telling us the answers. He didn't say that we were covering the exact questions from the final, but I had a hunch that we were. That's why I wrote down the answers as he gave them.

When it came time to do the final I took out the notes I'd taken during the review. I read everything carefully, just to be sure that the questions were the same ones that we'd covered, and then I copied the answers over. The open book part was really easy too, since we'd been told exactly where to find the answers.

The third part of the final was to do an actual return that included all the schedules and forms that we'd been studying. If you own your own home, have a rental property, hold a job, own a business, and are raising a couple of kids, one of whom is in college, I can do your taxes.

I got this return done and just needed to print and sign it when I discovered that there was a problem with my computer and I couldn't print. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, just sign in on another computer and print your return. Unfortunately my computer was not hooked up to the network so I couldn't access my work from another computer. This meant that I had to start all over again.

So I switched computers and redid my work. After I was all done I realized that I was wrong. I hadn't turned in my work yet, so I was able to fix it. It took me an hour to find $15. What really sucked was that once I found the error I realized that it was something that I would have gotten right if I hadn't second guessed myself. Oh well, at least I found the error in time to fix it. I should get a good grade on this. The best part is that there is only one more session of class, and that's just to get our scores and go over last minute tax law updates. I'm done!

I came home all excited. I was ready to celebrate. And then I realized that I'm teaching Sunday School tomorrow and I still haven't prepared. So I went down to the church to get the supplies only to discover that there was a dinner being held in the room where the supplies are. I was able to discover that there was no green paper for our craft tomorrow, so I got spend a couple of hours coloring some paper green. When I get done here I have to go back to the church and try to get my supplies. (Having keys to the church comes in handy sometimes.)

As I was working on coloring the paper green Donny came in and asked about getting his medicine. I had him bring me the bag and I got out tonight's pills. As I was doing so it became obvious to me that he got into his medicine today and took some. This wouldn't be bad if he would properly dose himself, but he gets it all wrong. I no longer have enough pain killers to make it until time to fill them again. It doesn't help that day 30 falls on the weekend, so he can't get his medicine until day 32. I had it all worked out, but he just screwed that up royally. I am so pissed!

I confronted Donny about this, but he just got all mad and swears up and down that he didn't get into the medicine at all. But I'm absolutely positive that he did. So now he's refusing to take any medicine at all.

The no medicine edict includes his lactulose. I am so not looking forward to this. He's going to get stubborn and not take his lactulose until it puts him into the hospital. I'm expecting Tuesday or Wednesday to be headed to the hospital with him. I'm getting really tired of this routine.

And then he pulls a stunt like this...

2007-12-04T23:20:00.000-08:00

My husband can be so sweet. I got paid today, and due to getting extra hours we had more cash than usual. I was thinking of all the things that we need to get done and trying to prioritize them. That's about when Donny told me that I had to put $100 in my dad's wallet.

Donny's not allowed to have cash, so I wasn't surprised that he said for me to give the money to my dad, what surprised me was the amount of money that he wanted put away. So I started questioning him. Why do you want me to put that money away? Is there something that I should know?

Donny had to think about it for a bit before deciding to answer me. At first he just said that it was for a Christmas present. That's when I started trying to bargain him down to a smaller amount, but he was adamant. He thought about it, realized that I would have to be in on the purchasing phase of things, and decided to tell me what was going on.

My husband wants me to buy myself a pair of shoes. He wants me to actually spend $100 on 1 pair of shoes. For budgetary reasons I just can't bring myself to spend that much on 1 pair of shoes. This is why tomorrow my husband is going shopping with me while I look for shoes.

Just when I'm convinced that the sweet, thoughtful man that I married is gone for good, he goes and does something like this. I really do love him, even when he doesn't insist that I buy new shoes.

Black Monday

2007-12-03T23:41:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to think that I should not attempt to do anything outside of the house. I went to work for about an hour this evening. Donny called me while I was there to let me know that he'd had 2 black, tarry bowel movements today. Thanks for sharing.

Maybe the problem is that I had nowhere to go tomorrow. I thought that I was finally getting a stay at home day, but maybe not. I now have to give his doctor a call in the morning and ask him how concerned we should be. I'm really hoping to hear that we should give it a couple of days and see what happens. I'm still holding out hope that it's something that he ate.

A punch in the gut

2007-12-02T12:26:00.000-08:00

Last night was the annual tree lighting in our small town. My mom had a craft booth and my church was passing out cookies. The two booths were side by side so being at them both was easy. I was able to visit with people and spend more time getting to know them. It was really fun.

At one point a man brought his daughter to the church's booth to get a cookie. She was 15 months old and she was adorable. With her dad's encouragement she would hold one little tiny finger up when asked her age. She smiled real pretty at everyone and seemed to be a very happy child. It was great.

That's when the punch in the stomach came. I never see it coming, it's always too late to back off before it hits. I want one. Donny and I really wanted to have a child together. Unfortunately I can't have one without a doctor's help. And right now the doctor won't let me because it would be too high of a risk health wise. The truly awful thing is that I know that Donny and I will never have a child together. It won't happen before he goes. Even if I were healthy, he couldn't now.

I know that there is still the possibility of having a baby some time in the future. However, I'm 30, so that window of opportunity is getting smaller. With all my health issues this is something that I should have done in my 20s, but it wasn't time for a baby then. By the time that I find somebody else to start a family with, if I ever do, I'll probably be a lot closer to 40. I'm getting really afraid that I'll never know the joy of being pregnant. At least there's a much better prospect for knowing the joy of motherhood. There's always adoption.

Hmmm...

2007-11-30T22:03:00.000-08:00

Today my mom and I were sitting eating lunch when she started complaining to me about how her finger hurts. She was telling me about how it hurts to use the mouse and so she thought that she might be using the computer too much. And then she said that she had started noticing it while doing other things, like holding a puzzle book open. She seemed to believe that she might have a repetitive motion injury in her finger.

It was at this point that I asked her when she first started noticing the pain. She thought about it for a second and then said that she first noticed it Wednesday night. I couldn't believe that she hadn't put 2 and 2 together yet. You see, she fell Wednesday afternoon. I pointed out that most people's natural reflex is to catch themselves with their hands. She stopped and thought about it, and then realized that the finger that hurt was on the side of her body that she fell on.

We're not talking about the kind of fall where you jump up and hope nobody saw. We're talking about she laid on the sidewalk until a passing car noticed her and stopped to help. (They went in and got a chair from the salon that my mom had been headed into when she fell. Mom's not small, so having her pull herself up was the best solution.) This was the kind of fall that would lead some people into going in and getting checked just to be sure they were okay. So thinking that mom might have injured her finger when she tried to catch herself is not a far leap in logic.

So I bugged my mom until she called and made an appointment with her doctor. I want to be sure that there's nothing that can be done for her. Of course she can't get in until a week from this coming Tuesday, but at least she's going. And until the doctor sees her I had her put a splint on her finger. She barely has any range of motion, but when she tries to bend the finger it hurts. So I'm the Meany who's making her wear a splint so that she remembers not to bend the finger.

I was telling a friend about this and she told me something interesting. She said to cradle my mom's hand in mine so that my hand is lightly supporting the weight of her hand, with her palm up. She told me to then flick my mom's finger tip. If she doesn't scream in pain then the finger's not broken. I wonder how accurate that is. I also wonder where my friend learned this. Did a doctor or nurse teach her, or is this a trial and error thing that she came up with? And if it's something that she came up with, who was stupid enough to let her test it out on them? Or for the matter, who let a doctor test this out on them?

If I thought that my finger was broken I'd be decking anybody who said, "Let me flick it to see if you scream in pain." I'm sorry, but I don't want to know that bad. If you think that what you want to do might make me scream in pain then I don't want it done. Period. I do not enjoy pain, I do not want you intentionally inflicting it. Have you ever wondered how we came to know a certain piece of information?

Think about some of the things that we know. There are plants that are poisonous raw, but edible cooked. Who discovered that? What made a person think, "Hey this killed Joe, let's see if it kills Sally after we cook it." And who looked at a cow and thought, "Let's drink the white stuff coming out of that!" What made us take leaves that are rather gross to chew on and boil them to make a drink? Look around, we do some strange stuff. Have you ever wondered why?

Decisions, decisions

2007-11-29T23:54:00.000-08:00

I had a job interview a couple of weeks ago. It was a group interview with about 30 people. It went well, and at the end they asked that we all take turns meeting with the district manager's secretary. She needed to get us put into the system so that our paperwork could be processed. This ended up taking about 3 hours. And of course I wound up being the next-to-last person. If I'd quit visiting and get in line then I probably wouldn't be last so often.

As I sat there waiting to be seen one of the more experienced preparers came in to the office for reasons that I still don't grasp. He sat down at the table where several of us were waiting and started visiting. The number of people dwindled and it ended up being just the two of us talking. We were having the usual conversation where we talk about what I can expect as a first year preparer and he gave advice about things that help improve your skills.

At some point in the conversation we started discussing what my expectations were. I told him that I wanted to pick up as many hours as I could. I then explained that this would be hampered because of Donny's health. He thought about it for a couple of minutes, and then he recommended a certain office for me. It wasn't the office that I had originally applied for, but I've spent a little time getting acquainted with the manager of that office. Her dad teaches my class and she comes in to help him, so we've spent some time talking. I originally applied for the office that my teacher works in.

After I was done with the interview (actually the computer broke and so I had to do my paperwork later) I was talking to my friend that worked for this company last year. I told her about my conversation with Al. I was surprised to hear her shock at the fact that he had told the district manager to hire me. Apparently Al doesn't normally get involved in the hiring process. And a suggestion that I thought could be shrugged off as somebody not knowing what they're talking about is now being taken very seriously. I guess Al pulled the office manager that he wants me to work for aside and told her to hire me. And he talked to the district manager again. And my teacher knew about it before I ever said anything. Everybody who is already in this business is taking this guy very seriously.

And so now I'm not sure what to do. I mostly chose the office that I applied for because my friend was applied there also. But she's now been promoted to manager of a different office. The manager of the office that Al recommended has been asking me to go to work for her. She's even guaranteeing that she'll keep me on after peak, which usually doesn't happen your first year. But the other office has a lot of experienced preparers who would be able to help me if I need it. But the manager of the recommended office already knows about Donny's problems and is willing to cut me some slack for appointments and medical emergencies. I know that the office where I applied would hire me, but I can't be sure how many hours I could get there. All in all, I think that I may change what office I'm applying for. The manager of the recommended office has assured me that it would be no problem to change where I'm applying for.

The best thing about all this is that I've never been seriously recruited before. It's nice to feel so wanted.

Aarrrrgh!

2007-11-29T15:14:00.000-08:00

One of these days we'll learn that I shouldn't be the one that takes grandma to her appointments with Dr. Late. I swear we came close to me doing something that would force my grandma to switch doctors. I just couldn't think of anything that wouldn't lead to me being thrown in jail.

I can't see any reason that expecting people to wait 2 hours to be seen is acceptable. If you have an emergency that puts you that far behind schedule then calling patients and telling them to come in later would be an acceptable way of handling things.

And how many emergencies are you having? Every time that I take my grandma in you are extremely behind schedule. To me that smacks of poor scheduling. I realize that you have a god complex, but my time is valuable too. There are much better things that I could do in those 2 hours if I'm not sitting in your waiting room.

And then , when you do show up, do not have the nerve to harass me about my obvious shortage of time for getting ready. I realize that big fuzzy slippers are not normal footwear for your office. I was hurrying to make it to the appointment on time, a concept that you clearly do not understand. And if you choose to give me a hard time about the slippers, don't get your panties in a bunch when I tell you that if I'd known you were running 2 hours late I would have taken the time to find my shoes. Just remember, you opened that particular door.

And is it just me, or is voicing concerns about nutrition something that should be done in the doctor's office? I can't believe that it would be wrong to point out that the patient hardly eats anything and so they may have nutrition problems. I was even nice in how I said it. And still the doctor seemed to get his feathers ruffled because I dare question what's going on with his patient. I presented it as something that I didn't think you were aware of because I was told that you weren't aware of her drastic diet. I really was not trying to be sarcastic, which is how you seem to have taken it.

(I must apologize for the rant, but that doctor tends to really piss me off.) We now return to our regularly scheduled program, which appears to be the sound of silence.

Busted

2007-11-28T23:30:00.000-08:00

I went into town today to pick up Donny's antibiotics. This means driving the back roads where the speed limit is 55. There's this long straight stretch with no stop signs where everyone goes a minimum of 70, and I was cruising it at 73. I know the exact speed I was going because the officer who ticketed me was nice enough to let me know. Now why the hell can't I ever remember the lessons that I've gotten in how to get out of a ticket?

My mom has a couple of stories about getting pulled over that end with the officer laughing too hard to write a ticket. Since I seem to be lacking in the humor department maybe I should get a fake ID. I bet giving a fake ID to a cop would get me into lots of trouble. At least then I'd have a good story to tell.

Well, since I don't have any good stories I guess I'll have to find another way to amuse myself. I think that I'll enter the contest over at Mommified Me. That is, if I can get blogger to work correctly so I can get the music. And if I can think of anything truly inspired.

A&OX3?

2007-11-27T01:01:00.000-08:00

Well, the experiment with Donny turned out about how I expected. While I was at school Saturday he slept. He slept the day away yesterday. He only woke up to go to the bathroom, where he forgot to shut the door and then fell asleep sitting there. The door thing wouldn't be so bad if there weren't 3 other women living in this house.

This afternoon I woke Donny up to check on him. I probably should have done so sooner, but I couldn't deal with things emotionally, so I failed him. When I woke him up today he seemed okay at first. He held a reasonably coherent conversation with me. He was a little out of it, but it seemed to be the kind of confusion that many people have when waking from a deep sleep.

I kept him awake so i could get a better understanding of how he was doing. I laid in bed with him and we watched TV and talked a little bit. At one point he looked over at me and said, "I love you honey." I told him that I loved him too. A minute later, for some reason that I still don't know I asked him who I was. He couldn't answer me. After thinking about it for a little while he decided that my name must be honey. It makes sense since I answered to that.

I continued questioning him and found that he didn't know where he was, what day it was, or who he was. I became concerned. It seems to me that after 50 years he really ought to remember his own name. I finally convinced him to get in the car and we went to ER. If I had to be a little misleading about where we were going, I had the best of intentions at least.

We arrived at ER at 4:30. By 5:30 he'd been triaged. Sometime after that the lab people came and got him and got his blood work started. Around 7:30 he went to a bed. By the time he got a bed his labs were already back. By 8:00 he'd seen a doctor and been told that he'd be staying since his ammonia level was 117. The doctor said that he'd go call the resident that covers for our doctor to come admit Donny. He then sent Donny for a chest ex ray just to be safe, since he has COPD.

The resident got there and decided that Donny didn't need to stay after all. He told me to take Donny to see our regular doctor tomorrow and also to take him to get his ammonia level ran again. He then told me to take Donny's pain meds away since they were probably adding to the confusion. He walked out of there and I just started crying. Our doctor never gives same day appointments. And I couldn't figure out who was supposed to get the results from the lab for us. But the biggest problem was I didn't know how I was going to deal with Donny while he was doing without pain meds.

Donny in pain is not a pretty sight. And if he happens to know that he has pain meds on hand then he yells at me to give them to him. He doesn't care what the doctor says, he's hurting and he wants his medicine. Normally him yelling at me wouldn't really phase me, but right now it's killing me. We fought through what was probably our last Thanksgiving because I was trying to force him to follow the doctor's orders. I'll never get another Thanksgiving to make up for this one. It's not fair to expect this of me.

I pulled myself together after about 10 minutes of crying, and then the first doctor came in. He let us know that the ex ray had shown some bronchitis. He started Donny on zithromax and talked to me about how to care for Donny. He helped me so much. He told me to give him his medicine as prescribed, just to try to cut back as much as possible on the percocet. He also told me not to bother with the doctor tomorrow. He said that was pointless since there's no way that Donny will be better by tomorrow. He told me that if Donny's not better in a couple of days to just take him back to ER. He said that since his doctor would just send him there anyway we could skip the doctor and go straight to ER. He also said that Donny's regular appointment in 2 weeks was a good follow-up time for today's visit, unless of course he needed to go back to ER before then.

As I was writing this I realized that the biggest reason that I preferred the first doctor that we saw was because he didn't treat me like an idiot. I wanted so badly to tell the resident to call our regular doctor at home and ask him if I was somebody that could be believed. Dr. Cohen listens when I say that Donny's different. Most of the doctors that we deal with realize that I'm intelligent enough to know what Donny's usual behavior is and whether or not it's altered. But this resident acted as if I couldn't be trusted and treated me like an idiot. It was really nice to have the more experienced doctor come in and validate that I'm not wrong in trusting my instincts. I think he knew that I'd been crying, because right after he walked out after the last exam he did he came back in and told Donny that he's lucky to have me taking care of him. He really helped me calm down.

One thing that I've been thinking about lately is that I want to know what the ER is pumping through their air ducts. I've noticed that as soon as we walk in whoever is ill starts to feel better. It's happened with me, and I've noticed it with my mom and with Donny. Whatever they've got in the air I want to just pump through my house. It would save me and them a lot of time and hassle if we didn't have to go in for it. I've even considered taking sick people down just to sit in their waiting room. If you know what it is, please let me know.

Good News

2007-11-24T21:18:00.000-08:00

We got our finals back today. I got a 96% on mine. It was the highest grade in the class. The teacher announced it because he found it amusing that I scored higher than my friend who was taking the class for the second time. (She passed the first time, she just wanted a bit of a refresher.) Out of the four sections on the test I got a perfect score on three of them. The one where I made mistakes I knew walking out of there last week that I'd made mistakes there. And I still got most of them right. I am so happy! :)

Stupidity

2007-11-23T23:06:00.000-08:00

I have done something that may prove very stupid. I turned my husband's medicine over to him. The last time that I did this he wound up in the hospital. We'll see how this goes.

We've been fighting non-stop for a few days now because of his medicine. He wants to take more painkillers, while I think he needs to take less. It's not that I want him to be in pain, but the percocet seemed to be causing some confusion and possibly some hallucinations. In an attempt to get his brain function under control I forced him to take the medicine as prescribed. He wanted more than that.

The problem with getting fed up and turning the medicine over to him is that I know there will be consequences that I don't like down the road. He's going to run out of pain killers before the they can be refilled. He very well may put himself in the hospital. But I just can't take the fighting anymore.

One of my biggest worries when I'm doing his medicine is that he'll accuse me of withholding medicine in the presence of somebody who has to report abuse. I don't know how to prove that I gave him his medicine. The pills being gone doesn't prove that he got them. I'm hoping that the medicine would show up in a drug test. And the worst part is that he believes himself. He forgets that he's already taken his pills and he wants them again. I'm going to have to be vigilant about watching for signs of overdose. And yet that's easier than fighting with him all day every day.

Well, here's to good results from a bad experiment.

Things that confuse me

2007-11-20T23:57:00.000-08:00

Because of my current obsession with medical stuff I tend to read a lot of medical blogs. In theses blogs medical professionals are a little more honest and blunt than they can be at work, for obvious reasons. Several of them have now referred to fibromyalgia in a way that suggests that it's not real in most cases. This prompted me to look up what it is.

O my God, I could have fibromyalgia! If I tried hard enough I could get a doctor to say that I have it. I mean, muscle pain and fatigue are a constant part of my life. And all this time I thought that my back hurt because of the extra weight that I make it haul around. And I thought that my shoulders hurt because of poor posture. And I could have sworn that the fatigue was because I'm up all night on the computer instead of sleeping.

I seriously believe that I could convince a doctor that I have this. That is, if I can find a doctor who believes that it's real. I now understand why healthcare professionals don't automatically believe that there's a real problem just because you have a fancy name to put to it. If I wanted to insure that I get narcotics I suppose that I could get a fancy name put to my pretend pain.

I understand that there are probably people out there who really do suffer from fibromyalgia and are not just in it for the drugs. For their sake I really wish that people wouldn't use this as a crutch to get meds. Nobody is going to take it seriously if 99 times out of 100 there's really nothing wrong with the patient other than an addiction to strong pain meds. I hate it when people fake an illness because it really does make it harder on people who are legitimately sick.

I sometimes wonder why people feel the need to fake an illness at all. I've found that when I go to the doctor with a problem that may cause pain the doc is usually very liberal about giving pain meds. The only time that I ran into a problem was when I was visiting my grandparents out of state and had a toothache from hell. The first doctor that I saw looked at the fact that I was from out of state and had no insurance and wouldn't prescribe narcotics, but that was okay since she gave me the antibiotics that I was after. When I showed up three days later looking like a pregnant chipmunk (which is how my mother described me) the doctor was very nice and gave me vicodin. I wanted stronger antibiotics, but he seemed to think that what I had was plenty strong. Whatever, it got me through long enough to get home and see my dentist. My point being that I almost never have problems getting the pain relievers that I need. Drug seekers just baffle me.

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