Saturday, December 18, 2010


I had planned on working today. I was going to be strong and get through the day by myself. I was not going to rely on anybody.

Then reality smacked me in the face.

I went to work for a couple of hours. But I couldn't concentrate. I went shopping. But I wasn't making wise choices. And then I thought that I should go to my sister-in-law's house.

I almost chickened out. As I turned onto her street I was thinking about how long it had been since I had last talked to them. And I was thinking about the awkwardness there would be if they asked why I didn't come around more often. But I stopped the car.

My sister-in-law, Terry, met me in the yard with a huge hug. She was so happy to see me. And my sister-in law, JoAnne, was in town for one night to see the family. And that's why my brother-in-law, Steven, had stopped by. And of course there were all the requisite nieces and nephews there.

When I walked in my mother-in-law started to get up to greet me. We told her to stay where she was and I would come to her. (She's in her 80s and not too stable on her feet.) It took her about 15 minutes to let go of my hand. She was so thrilled to see me. Sometimes I forget that I'm now her only link to her baby boy.

Being with Donny's family was just what I needed today. I hadn't realized just how much it hurt me that they hadn't tried to reach out to me since his death. But I realized today that they want to, they just don't know how.

I wasn't in this family for very long when we lost the one who linked us together. We never got a chance to really solidify our relationship before he was gone. And because of Donny's alcoholism there had always been a strain when we were around.

But today went beautifully. And if I keep going around, keep reaching out, things will improve. I realized today that they weren't sure if I wanted to be in their life anymore. That saddens me, because I love them a lot. How could I not? They're my family.

I'm so glad I stopped.

Two years

Two years ago today my life turned upside down. I knew it was coming. I thought I was ready. And then reality smacked me upside the head.

I miss Donny as much now as I did then. I thought that time was supposed to heal that.

I read a quote somewhere about you don't know the depths of your love for someone until they're gone. It's true. I never realized just how much I loved him until I was without him.

How could I not have known that it would be like this? How could I have doubted the depth of what we had? Would I have done what I did for Donny for somebody that I wasn't head over heels for? Do any of these questions matter now?

I still regret the arguments. The time we lost being angry with one-another. The rational part of my brain knows that those are part of life, and that they needed to happen in some fashion so that we dealt with problems rather than letting them fester. But my heart just sees missed opportunities to be together.

But more than that, I regret the time I spent doing other stuff. How many evenings was I on the computer while he sat in his chair and watched TV. How hard would it have been to go sit by him? Hold his hand, let him know I was there, be with him. I don't get to do that now, and I miss it.

I miss coming home and telling him all about my day. I miss eating dinner with him. I miss having him wrap his arms around me and feeling like everything will be okay. I miss how he had to be touching me to go to sleep. I miss his teasing.

So badly I want him back. And that's not fair. He was in so much pain. His body was done living long before he let it die. I really think that at the end the only thing keeping him alive was his willpower and his desire to not leave me alone. But eventually his body couldn't keep going, no matter how much Donny wanted it to. To bring him back wouldn't be fair. He's not in pain anymore.

Right after Donny died one of his sisters had a dream where she saw Donny walking toward a baseball field. (That was his sport. He loved baseball and was a very good pitcher in his youth.) In her dream the closer Donny got to the field, the healthier he got, so that by the time he got there he was young and healthy again. Wearing denim shorts and a t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off. His favorite outfit. I love the image of him getting to play his favorite game as much as he wants. But more than that, I love the idea of him being healthy again, no longer in pain.

I try to be strong, I try to keep going. some days are easier than others. I know that Donny wanted me to keep going, to move on. I know this because he told me so. Before he died he used to talk about what he wanted me to do after he was gone. He told me I could take 2 weeks off, but then I had to "get up and put my feet on the floor." That was how he used to refer to the days when you simply kept putting one foot in front of the other just so that you don't lose ground. He actually tried to get me to promise to remarry. I pointed out that I couldn't guarantee that I would find love again. So we settled on me promising to not shut myself off to it.

And that's why I keep going. Because to do any less would be a disappointment to the man who still holds my heart.

Thursday, December 09, 2010


SO for the last few days I've had an ear infection building. I knew something was wrong on Monday, but I didn't do anything about it. I have no insurance, so going to the doctor is a rather spendy option for me. It was suggested that I go to the ER, since they can't turn me away. But then I'm clogging up the ER with non-emergency stuff, and I wind up with a huge bill.

My method of dealing with it was to have my mom clean my ear out with peroxide a couple times a day and hope I could "boil" the infection out. And each day we would chronicle how much worse my ear was. Today I couldn't take it anymore. I woke up and my ear canal was swollen shut, and that's enough to drive anybody nuts.

Fortunately for me, there's a clinic a few blocks down the street that charges on a sliding scale, so I called and got in with them. When I told the doctor that my ear canal was swollen shut you could tell that she wasn't taking me literally. But when she went to check it, before she even put that little light up to it, she took one look and said "That's closed!"

Apparently my good ear is developing an ear infection and my bad ear is really bad. The doc put a wick in my ear and prescribed antibiotic ear drops along with oral antibiotics. I have to go back on Monday.

She also asked me a bunch of the standard medical history questions. When she asked about diabetes I told her that I was checked a few years ago. I mentioned that since I have PCOS my doctor had been very careful about that when I still had insurance. She then said something that I've never heard before. She said that with PCOS I have an 80% chance of developing diabetes. I don't like those odds. I need to start doing something about them.

I think it's time for me to get serious about dealing with my weight issue. I quit using tobacco about a month ago, now it's time to take the next step in dealing with my health. I need to do some research to figure out what's going to work best for me, but I've gotta do it. I'm hoping that by admitting it in such a public forum it'll help me stick with the idea. Now there's some level of accountability. If in no other way, then because I've promised myself that I'll be honest on here.

As I mentioned already, about a month ago I quit using tobacco. I did not make a conscious decision to quit smoking. A while back I saw some electronic cigarettes and I wanted to switch to them, because in the long run it's cheaper. But the initial outlay was beyond my means. Well, somebody was looking to unload their electronic cigarette, and now I have one. And it is cheaper. But now I have people wanting to know when I'm going to give that up too. I hadn't planned on it. I realize that nicotine can't be all that good for me, but I've cut out all the other bad things from smoking. And there's no second hand smoke. So I'm not hurting anyone else. Can't I just have this one vice? Please?

Well, I think that I've delved far enough into the poor choices that I make for one evening. At least I'm doing something about them now, though, right?

Wednesday, December 08, 2010


I've been gone from blogging for a long time. Basically, it's been about 2 years now. I've checked in a couple of times with updates, but haven't really written anything. I want to change that. I want to get back to letting my thoughts and feelings out.

It's been almost 2 years since Donny died. I miss him all the time still. I really thought that it would get better with time, but I guess I was wrong. I didn't really understand how deeply I loved him until he was gone. We had our good times and our bad times, but I'm choosing to remember the good.

I get to see the grandkids about once a year. I'm friends with both the girls on facebook and we keep up with each-other that way. I love them all and I'm so happy that they have allowed me to keep my role in their family, even though their dad's gone now.

My sister's kids are still living with me. I enjoy having them here, even if they do supremely frustrate me at times. I've learned a lot about them, and about kids in general. The biggest lesson that I've learned though is to back off and let everybody else deal with it. I've had too many people tell me too many times how awful I am for how I handle things with the kids, so now I just let everybody else deal with them unless I am specifically asked to do it.

My sister and her boyfriend lived with us for a while. It didn't go well and it ended with her boyfriend getting kicked out. At that point my parents said that any adults who wanted to keep living in their home would have to submit to random drug testing. My sister got on her high horse about where her boyfriend's not welcome, she's not welcome and she went to be homeless with the guy. We all know though that it was actually a case of she couldn't pass the drug test and she knew it. Now she likes to bitch and moan about how she was kicked out and isn't good enough to sleep in our backyard like a dog. (they were living in a tent in the backyard before, since there was absolutely no room in the house.)

My sister also announced her pregnancy over Thanksgiving weekend. After all the years that I prayed that Donny and I could have a baby, she gets pregnant when she's trying not to. And she can't even take care of the ones that she has now! I know that I sound like a jealous, whining little sister, and maybe that's what I am, but I'm really having problems here.

And to top it all off, since my sister announced her pregnancy, my mom's really been babying her. She's at our house all the time now. And when she's here she complains constantly about the RV that her and her boyfriend live in. Apparently it's too cold and has a leak over their bed. When it rains their bed gets all wet. I'm just waiting for when my mom announces that for the good of my sister and the baby she'll be moving in.

If my sister moves in she's going to bring her boyfriend to live with her. That's when I'll have some major decisions to make. Any time that they come over and it's not their regular Sunday visit I have a panic attack. And when they stayed here for a week I was having nightmares and problems sleeping. I have a really hard time with it, but I have to play nice. For that sake of family peace and harmony I have to pretend like everything's great and wonderful, but it's not.

I started dating again, but I now qualify for the Jerry Springer show. I'm dating my sister's ex-husband, and the father of the children that live with me. Early in their marriage Mike and I realized that we were interested in each-other, but we couldn't do anything about it since he was married to my sister. Over the years we've had as little to do with each-other as possible to make things easier.

Mike moved back to this area to be near his kids. I ended up spending quite a bit of time with him and we discovered that we were both still interested. We decided to see where things would go. So far it's been mostly good. I can't say that I've found forever, but I'm also not ending things right now. One thing that I've learned is to slow down and enjoy the moment that I'm in right now.

Work is revving up again for me. This tax season I'll be working 2 jobs, but after April 15 I'll be back down to one. I still absolutely love doing taxes, and I'm good at it. I'm so glad my friend talked me into doing the class a few years ago.

I guess this post ended up being just another update on my life, but I find those interesting to read a few years later. And maybe I'll be able to be more honest about my feelings when the room isn't full of kids. Now it's time to get them off to bed.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009


I want him back! I don't care how unfair it is, I want him back!

Today would have been Donny's 52nd birthday. That's really young to be dead. I can't even say how much I miss him. Sometimes it's an actual physical ache in my chest. I thought that I was ready for this, I thought that I had prepared myself. I've never been more wrong in all my life.

I've been avoiding writing, mostly because I've been avoiding myself. I have 4 part-time jobs, 3 kids and a sick mom, and sometimes I feel like I'm not busy enough. If I fill my days with busyness then I don't have to face the emptiness. I miss him so much.

The kids are well. We have our ups and our downs. Last week the youngest one broke his arm. He was such a trooper about it too. He didn't cry when he broke it. His eyes got a little wet, but he didn't cry when he had to twist his arm into a weird position for the x-ray. He didn't cry when he had to sit in the waiting room for a couple of hours, with no pain medicine, waiting his turn. He didn't cry when they splinted it. In fact, the only time he did cry was when a baby in obvious distress came into the waiting room. What a softy.

My mom's in the hospital again. They now think that the reason that she keeps passing out is something to do with her adrenal gland. I guess I know what I need to be googling. The doctor said that she might get to come home on Friday. I sure hope so, I miss her.

That's all the news in my life. I feel a little bit better, having let off some steam, but I sure didn't wait long to focus my attention elsewhere did I? Oh well, it's a start.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


I just looked at my blog and realized how long it's been since I've written. So much has happened, and much of it is crap that I don't even want to think about.

I'll start off by saying that I've been kept on to work the off-season for block. Year round taxes, yeah.

Three weeks ago I came home from work to find that my sister and her fiancee had pitched at tent in the backyard, and were apparently going to be living with us. I was told that it was a one weeek trial. The idea was that at the end of the week my parents, my grandmother, and myself would discuss things, and if it wasn't working out that they would be asked to leave. That has yet to happen. Instead they seem to plan on being here until they find jobs and are able to get a place of their own, or at least that's my sister's plan.

Last Tuesday my mom told me that they'd be here for 2 more weeks. At that time her friend is supposed to giver her his tax refund to repay her for something. My mom said that my sister would be leaving when that money came through. The next day my sister was talking to me and casually mentioned how much of that money she would be asking my parents to hold on to for her to have money to move with when steady jobs are secured. She said that way mom and dad would know that she really is serious about leaving once they have jobs.

Of course, if they're going to move when they have jobs then they need to be serious about looking for work. But my sister believes that she can't get serious about finding a job until her fiancee finds a job, because it would hurt his feelings if she found work before him. And as for the fiancee, he seems to have given up on finding a job. He's mad that everybody is looking for somebody who's bilingual. He also doesn't appear to have any marketable job skills, but that may be just my view of things.

What makes all of this so bad though is the fact that I can't stand her fiancee. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him so that I don't hurt his feeling on accident. And it doesn't take much. A good example would be today. I was really missing Donny. Mother's Day is hard for me, and he was always my rock during days like this. Mike could see that I was not doing well, and asked me what was wrong, to which I answered nothing. He got his feelings hurt that I didn't want to share with him what was going on. And today wasn't a one-off kind of thing, he gets his feelings hurt about everything. If we're not treating him like the king and telling him that he's wonderful, his feelings get hurt. And I'm tired of tiptoeing around him.

Although, it's not just Mike that I'm having a problem with. I don't like living with my sister. I love her dearly, but I can't handle living with her. A lot of the problem is me, I get that, but I still don't like living with her. The last time that we lived together as adults she steamrolled over me and took over my living space, because she didn't have enough room. (She had more room than me, but that didn't matter to her.) Infact, in most areas of our lives she steamrolled me. She's always been like that. Now I feel as if I have to constantly be on guard to keep it from happening again. I have to hold my boundaries very firm, never giving an inch, and constantly guarding them to keep them in place. That's because she's always been the type that if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile.

This has been really hard on me emotionally. These last three weeks have felt more like three months. I'm starting to fall apart at the seams. I have to solve this problem before I completely fall apart. I've thought a lot about this and the only solution that I can think of is to move. So I've started quietly looking for a job that pays enough to support myself. I know myself well enough to know that I would not do well with a roommate, so I'll have to earn enough to pay all the bills myself. I don't want to leave the home that I shared with Donny. My heart literally, physically, aches every time I think about it, but this may be my only solution.

Getting a job and getting the money to move on may take a while. And maybe in that time things will resolve themselves where my sister is concerned, but I can't sit back and wait for that to happen anymore. I have to be doing something to resolve this, and I can't find any other options.

Mother's Day

I survived another Mother's Day. Barely.

Today was a very hard day for me. A day where I get constant reminders about the fact that I'll never be a mom.

Last year on Mother's Day Donny held me and let me cry. He talked about the fact that we were still hoping and trying to conceive. He called his daughter and asked her to talk to me and try to make me feel better. He was there for me, and he helped me find that little, tiny ember of hope.

This year he wasn't there, and that ember is gone.