I started physical therapy today. The staff seems to be a great bunch of people. This should be an interesting 2 months. Right now I'm going 3 times a week.
I surprised the therapists today with my range of motion. I've been practicing moving my hand after talking to a few people who lost more range of motion than I'm willing to give up. Learning sign language has not yet been scratched off my lifetime to do list, so I need to keep my range of motion. There's still some work to be done, but I'm further along than expected.
Apparently my right hand is still weaker than my left, and since I'm right handed that's not acceptable. So I have to do stuff for strengthening. I'm not sure what all they'll have me do, today I just played with some dry pinto beans.
I was surprised how sore my wrist was at the end of the hour. I figured that with how little I did it wouldn't affect me. I'm hoping that it was the tests that got to me, not the beans. If running my hand through beans leaves me sore then I'm in way worse shape than I thought. But the hand massage at the end was great.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
What Not to Say
I was talking to my aunt the other day and commented that life was calming down and falling back into a routine. Apparently this is code for I want everything to fall apart again.
I drove my mom to her therapy appointment today. Normally she goes by herself, but my dad asked me last night to drive her there. At the end of her appointment her therapist came and got me to go talk with them in her office. Apparently my mom's choices were to tell me that she's suicidal or have the cops called. So now we can't leave mom alone at all. Fortunately we have a friend that mom can go visit while I go for physical therapy tomorrow. It's also a good thing that I only have tax classes on Saturdays, because dad's home then. I just wish that mom wasn't hurting so bad.
And then I come home tonight and realize that in the next couple of days I need to take my husband in to the ER and have his ammonia levels tested. I really wish that his doctor's office could do it, but we always get sent to the ER. This time I just going to cut out the middle man and take him to the hospital. I hate doing that, because it takes forever and he has no patience. I'm looking at a couple of hours sitting in the waiting room trying to keep him calm so he doesn't become verbally abusive with the staff. This won't be fun.
The next time I'm tempted to say that it's calming down and getting back into a routine I need to staple my mouth shut. And then go in and have it sewn. And then somebody please pass the duct tape.
I drove my mom to her therapy appointment today. Normally she goes by herself, but my dad asked me last night to drive her there. At the end of her appointment her therapist came and got me to go talk with them in her office. Apparently my mom's choices were to tell me that she's suicidal or have the cops called. So now we can't leave mom alone at all. Fortunately we have a friend that mom can go visit while I go for physical therapy tomorrow. It's also a good thing that I only have tax classes on Saturdays, because dad's home then. I just wish that mom wasn't hurting so bad.
And then I come home tonight and realize that in the next couple of days I need to take my husband in to the ER and have his ammonia levels tested. I really wish that his doctor's office could do it, but we always get sent to the ER. This time I just going to cut out the middle man and take him to the hospital. I hate doing that, because it takes forever and he has no patience. I'm looking at a couple of hours sitting in the waiting room trying to keep him calm so he doesn't become verbally abusive with the staff. This won't be fun.
The next time I'm tempted to say that it's calming down and getting back into a routine I need to staple my mouth shut. And then go in and have it sewn. And then somebody please pass the duct tape.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Unintentional Results
I read a blog where a nurse was ranting about the awful families that she has to deal with. I've spent enough time sitting with people at hospitals to know that there's a whole lot of truth is what she said.
But I was feeling insecure and so I took her general comments too much to heart. And I posted and let her know what I was feeling. This apparently hit her harder than I realized it would.
I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. I really do know that you didn't mean every single visitor was awful. I was just feeling insecure and let that spill out.
And for all those out there who are visitors in hospitals, please be kind to the nurses. I have the utmost respect for them, and you should too. Who else is going to do all the nasty things that they do, and without making you feel bad about it. Remember, they are the ones who will hold your hand and help you understand when things go terribly wrong. Be careful not to make them go away, you will need them again.
But I was feeling insecure and so I took her general comments too much to heart. And I posted and let her know what I was feeling. This apparently hit her harder than I realized it would.
I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. I really do know that you didn't mean every single visitor was awful. I was just feeling insecure and let that spill out.
And for all those out there who are visitors in hospitals, please be kind to the nurses. I have the utmost respect for them, and you should too. Who else is going to do all the nasty things that they do, and without making you feel bad about it. Remember, they are the ones who will hold your hand and help you understand when things go terribly wrong. Be careful not to make them go away, you will need them again.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
A New Reality
On Monday I took my husband to his monthly doctor's appointment. His health is bad so he has to go once a month. I missed August's appointment, but my husband told me about how great it went. He said the doctor even talked to him about a possible full recovery.
This month was a different story. There had been a hospitalization in-between, but my husband appeared to be as well now as he has been lately. According to the doctor there was a huge difference between now and 1 month ago.
At this months appointment the doctor asked if anybody had discussed transplant with us yet. My husband has cirrhosis of the liver, and his liver is shot. A couple sentences were exchanged with the doctor and he realized that Donny's not eligible to go on the transplant list yet. He only quit drinking 5 months ago and apparently it hasn't been long enough.
So the doctor talked about our new reality.
Our new reality is that Donny will never be better than he is right now. With every hospitalization his level of functioning will decrease. Eventually my husband will die of liver failure. Apparently it's slow and painful.
Our new reality is that we will never have a place of our own. We've been living with my parents trying to get our finances in order so we could afford a place. Now his health is so bad that I need help caring for him. Right now I just need emotional help, but as his needs grow so will mine.
Our new reality is that I have to give up my last hopes of us having a child. This means that I'm probably giving up all hope ever of having a child. I'm only 30, I don't want to give up.
Our new reality sucks, and there's no escaping it.
This month was a different story. There had been a hospitalization in-between, but my husband appeared to be as well now as he has been lately. According to the doctor there was a huge difference between now and 1 month ago.
At this months appointment the doctor asked if anybody had discussed transplant with us yet. My husband has cirrhosis of the liver, and his liver is shot. A couple sentences were exchanged with the doctor and he realized that Donny's not eligible to go on the transplant list yet. He only quit drinking 5 months ago and apparently it hasn't been long enough.
So the doctor talked about our new reality.
Our new reality is that Donny will never be better than he is right now. With every hospitalization his level of functioning will decrease. Eventually my husband will die of liver failure. Apparently it's slow and painful.
Our new reality is that we will never have a place of our own. We've been living with my parents trying to get our finances in order so we could afford a place. Now his health is so bad that I need help caring for him. Right now I just need emotional help, but as his needs grow so will mine.
Our new reality is that I have to give up my last hopes of us having a child. This means that I'm probably giving up all hope ever of having a child. I'm only 30, I don't want to give up.
Our new reality sucks, and there's no escaping it.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
A whole lot of nothing
What I hate more than anything is when I sit down to write and can't remember what I wanted to write about. I know that I had thought of something to blog about, but for the life of me I can't remember what. So instead you get this:
Yesterday I went to the dentist. I have an abscess that I really want to do something about. The technician came in and did my ex rays and then after they were developed she left them in the room for the dentist. I was amazed to see that an abscess shows up in an ex ray. That was about all I could learn by looking at my ex ray myself.
The dentist finally comes in and as he looks at the ex rays he asks me why I'm there. (AS if not having been for a year and a half wasn't a good enough reason.) So I tell him that I have an abscess and where it's located. Without looking up he goes, "Yeah, you sure do." (That's how I know that I was right about what I was seeing.) He then goes into a lot of technical talk with his assistant.
After all of that the dentist tells me that I need a root canal. I say okay and he says that he wants me on antibiotics. I about had a cow. I just finished 2 rounds of amoxicillan. So I let him know that and he looked at me like I was some sort of junkie hooked on antibiotics and asked me who prescribed them. I told him and he wanted to know when I finished the last round. (Which makes a lot of sense to me.) He then prescribes some antibiotics and tells me to have them on hand just in case the infection flares up again. I want to know what kind of super infection I have that 2 rounds of antibiotics doesn't cure it.
Oh well, I get the root canal in a couple of weeks and maybe that'll fix it.
Yesterday I went to the dentist. I have an abscess that I really want to do something about. The technician came in and did my ex rays and then after they were developed she left them in the room for the dentist. I was amazed to see that an abscess shows up in an ex ray. That was about all I could learn by looking at my ex ray myself.
The dentist finally comes in and as he looks at the ex rays he asks me why I'm there. (AS if not having been for a year and a half wasn't a good enough reason.) So I tell him that I have an abscess and where it's located. Without looking up he goes, "Yeah, you sure do." (That's how I know that I was right about what I was seeing.) He then goes into a lot of technical talk with his assistant.
After all of that the dentist tells me that I need a root canal. I say okay and he says that he wants me on antibiotics. I about had a cow. I just finished 2 rounds of amoxicillan. So I let him know that and he looked at me like I was some sort of junkie hooked on antibiotics and asked me who prescribed them. I told him and he wanted to know when I finished the last round. (Which makes a lot of sense to me.) He then prescribes some antibiotics and tells me to have them on hand just in case the infection flares up again. I want to know what kind of super infection I have that 2 rounds of antibiotics doesn't cure it.
Oh well, I get the root canal in a couple of weeks and maybe that'll fix it.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Vacations
My mom and I decided that we were going to go visit a friend in Oregon for a week and a half at the beginning of August. We started making plans and she started letting people know that she'd be gone. All was going well.
When my mom told her friend "Jane" about our plans, Jane wanted to ride north with us. She has family not too far from where we were going and wanted to go see them. Jane did not ask for a ride, she informed my mother that she'd be coming with us.
As we made our plans we started to have problems. Everything that my mom and I said we were going to do that didn't fit Jane's plans she'd kick up a fuss about. We said that we were planning to drive straight through to our destination with no side trips. This was unacceptable. There were museums along the way that Jane just had to go see. We said that we'd be having lunch at the diner that my sister-in-law works at, since we'd be going by it at about lunch time. This was unacceptable. Jane has a friend an hour north of our planned stop who is a waitress and we needed to eat lunch there so Jane could see her friend. We said that we wanted to do the 9 hour drive in one day. This was unacceptable. Jane wanted to take the trip slower and have one night on the road.
As things went on my mom got more and more stressed about our "fun" vacation. She went back and forth with the idea of just calling off the trip. Mom called Jane to talk about things, but couldn't get her to listen. So mom sent an email that said this is what we're doing and this is when and where we'd like to meet you. (Jane lives about an hour opposite of the direction we were going, so we asked her to meet us at our house and she could leave her car in our driveway. We live in a small town with an extremely low crime rate, so the car would've been safe. She refused.) That was the beginning of the nasty emails. Dealing with Jane was just too much, so mom called off the trip.
I knew that my mom really needed to get away, so I kept getting us ready to go. The day before we were scheduled to go I let my mom know that we were ready and there was no reason that we couldn't go without Jane. The next morning mom decided to go anyway, and sent an email out that said that there was a last minute change in plans and we were leaving after all. (Biggest deciding factor was mom's friend calling and saying that she needed to see my mom.) We loaded up the car and left.
While we were in Oregon mom would check her email regularly, and she found some rather nasty emails from Jane. And then she started getting emails from other friends wanting to know what was going on because Jane had said that mom was mad at them. Mom dealt with this as nicely as possible, but it put a real damper on our vacation.
Just about the time that we were really starting to relax and enjoy ourselves, my mom got a call. My grandma had been admitted to the hospital and was in ICU. As the calls came throughout the afternoon and we got more info we found that grandma wasn't doing well at all. The doctor's didn't expect her to live. Grandma told my cousin that what she really wanted was to see all her kids one last time.
So we throw all our stuff into the car and leave. This was made more difficult because my mom and her friend were having a sewing holiday, so there was a sewing machine and a serger to put in the car, along with fabric, half finished projects, and other various items that she had needed for her sewing. But I get it all in the car and we take off.
We had originally planned to drive home, and leave from there for Colorado, but we were told that if we took that extra day we probably wouldn't get there in time. So an hour down the road we stopped and bought an atlas. We picked our route and we were off. The mantra for that trip was, "I bet this is a really pretty drive in the daylight." (We were driving a car that overheats, so most of our driving was night driving.) Our longest stop was in Lakeview, OR. We had to wait there for four hours until a gas station opened up. The wait would have been better if there had been a vacancy in one of the local motels.
We finally arrived at the hospital, only to have a nurse not want to let us in since grandma had just gotten to sleep. Mom explained that we had just driven 33 hours to see grandma, and we would be really quiet and not wake her. We went and sat in a corner of her room to wait for her to wake. About 15 minutes later the nurse woke grandma because she had visitors. We never could figure that one out.
After being given six pints of blood grandma made an amazing recovery. Taking her off the blood thinners stopped the internal bleeding and grandma got to go home. We were so thankful and relieved that she was alright. Mom and I decided to stay for a little while to help get grandma and grandpa set up in a living situation that would be healthy for them.
Things were almost settled when I got a call that my husband was in the hospital. We jumped in the car and were on the road again. This time it was get back to California as quickly as possible. My husband wasn't expected to die, but I needed to get back to him just the same. We got home one week ago today, at 2:00 a.m.
My husband was discharged from the hospital on Sunday. The doctor there said to keep the appointment that he already had scheduled with his regular doctor, that there was no need to go in earlier. Thursday our regular doctor got the report from the hospital and his office called wanting to see my husband right away. So my husband makes an appointment to see the doctor on Friday.
As we were getting ready to go to the doctor my mom got a call that her dad is in the hospital. That first phone call said he would be fine and was expected home in a couple of days. That was yesterday. Today the news was that grandpa is in ICU and the doctor says that he'll never go home. So mom is on the road to Colorado again. This time dad went with her, since I have surgery in a week and a half.
I've decided that we really need to find a new reason for jumping in the car and driving over 1500 miles. The reasons we've been using suck. I hate traveling for those reasons.
I wish that I were going too. Please help me pray for my grandpa.
When my mom told her friend "Jane" about our plans, Jane wanted to ride north with us. She has family not too far from where we were going and wanted to go see them. Jane did not ask for a ride, she informed my mother that she'd be coming with us.
As we made our plans we started to have problems. Everything that my mom and I said we were going to do that didn't fit Jane's plans she'd kick up a fuss about. We said that we were planning to drive straight through to our destination with no side trips. This was unacceptable. There were museums along the way that Jane just had to go see. We said that we'd be having lunch at the diner that my sister-in-law works at, since we'd be going by it at about lunch time. This was unacceptable. Jane has a friend an hour north of our planned stop who is a waitress and we needed to eat lunch there so Jane could see her friend. We said that we wanted to do the 9 hour drive in one day. This was unacceptable. Jane wanted to take the trip slower and have one night on the road.
As things went on my mom got more and more stressed about our "fun" vacation. She went back and forth with the idea of just calling off the trip. Mom called Jane to talk about things, but couldn't get her to listen. So mom sent an email that said this is what we're doing and this is when and where we'd like to meet you. (Jane lives about an hour opposite of the direction we were going, so we asked her to meet us at our house and she could leave her car in our driveway. We live in a small town with an extremely low crime rate, so the car would've been safe. She refused.) That was the beginning of the nasty emails. Dealing with Jane was just too much, so mom called off the trip.
I knew that my mom really needed to get away, so I kept getting us ready to go. The day before we were scheduled to go I let my mom know that we were ready and there was no reason that we couldn't go without Jane. The next morning mom decided to go anyway, and sent an email out that said that there was a last minute change in plans and we were leaving after all. (Biggest deciding factor was mom's friend calling and saying that she needed to see my mom.) We loaded up the car and left.
While we were in Oregon mom would check her email regularly, and she found some rather nasty emails from Jane. And then she started getting emails from other friends wanting to know what was going on because Jane had said that mom was mad at them. Mom dealt with this as nicely as possible, but it put a real damper on our vacation.
Just about the time that we were really starting to relax and enjoy ourselves, my mom got a call. My grandma had been admitted to the hospital and was in ICU. As the calls came throughout the afternoon and we got more info we found that grandma wasn't doing well at all. The doctor's didn't expect her to live. Grandma told my cousin that what she really wanted was to see all her kids one last time.
So we throw all our stuff into the car and leave. This was made more difficult because my mom and her friend were having a sewing holiday, so there was a sewing machine and a serger to put in the car, along with fabric, half finished projects, and other various items that she had needed for her sewing. But I get it all in the car and we take off.
We had originally planned to drive home, and leave from there for Colorado, but we were told that if we took that extra day we probably wouldn't get there in time. So an hour down the road we stopped and bought an atlas. We picked our route and we were off. The mantra for that trip was, "I bet this is a really pretty drive in the daylight." (We were driving a car that overheats, so most of our driving was night driving.) Our longest stop was in Lakeview, OR. We had to wait there for four hours until a gas station opened up. The wait would have been better if there had been a vacancy in one of the local motels.
We finally arrived at the hospital, only to have a nurse not want to let us in since grandma had just gotten to sleep. Mom explained that we had just driven 33 hours to see grandma, and we would be really quiet and not wake her. We went and sat in a corner of her room to wait for her to wake. About 15 minutes later the nurse woke grandma because she had visitors. We never could figure that one out.
After being given six pints of blood grandma made an amazing recovery. Taking her off the blood thinners stopped the internal bleeding and grandma got to go home. We were so thankful and relieved that she was alright. Mom and I decided to stay for a little while to help get grandma and grandpa set up in a living situation that would be healthy for them.
Things were almost settled when I got a call that my husband was in the hospital. We jumped in the car and were on the road again. This time it was get back to California as quickly as possible. My husband wasn't expected to die, but I needed to get back to him just the same. We got home one week ago today, at 2:00 a.m.
My husband was discharged from the hospital on Sunday. The doctor there said to keep the appointment that he already had scheduled with his regular doctor, that there was no need to go in earlier. Thursday our regular doctor got the report from the hospital and his office called wanting to see my husband right away. So my husband makes an appointment to see the doctor on Friday.
As we were getting ready to go to the doctor my mom got a call that her dad is in the hospital. That first phone call said he would be fine and was expected home in a couple of days. That was yesterday. Today the news was that grandpa is in ICU and the doctor says that he'll never go home. So mom is on the road to Colorado again. This time dad went with her, since I have surgery in a week and a half.
I've decided that we really need to find a new reason for jumping in the car and driving over 1500 miles. The reasons we've been using suck. I hate traveling for those reasons.
I wish that I were going too. Please help me pray for my grandpa.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Thirty
I'm turning thirty in a couple days. I'm no where near where I thought I'd be by now. Sometimes life sucks.
As I've contemplated my life I've found the truth in some advice given to me. A good friend of mine told me not to get married until I turned 30. She said that women really don't come into their own until around there, and so they shouldn't make major decisions like that until then. She told me that your twenties are for screwing up and discovering yourself. It's not until your thirties that you grow up.
At the time that my friend told me this I smiled, nodded, and thought about what a bunch of baloney it was. I was 26 or 27 and thought that I was fairly grown up, and perfectly capable of making decisions. I guess I was just fooling myself.
I've discovered that my attitude is changing. I don't want to take care of everybody under the sun. I want the people in my life to act like the adults that they're supposed to be and care for themselves. I'm not talking about if you've got the flu, you're on your own. I'm talking about day to day life.
If I dropped off the face of the earth, how would you function? Who would run and fetch for you? Make your calls? Prepare your food? Renew your insurance? Do your shopping? Whoever it is, they can do it now. I just want to only be responsible for myself. I don't have kids, so why am I caring for somebody as if I were their mother? I'm done, I quit.
And this is why I should have waited to marry. It would have changed what I was looking for in a husband, and so it would have changed our marriage. If we weren't married then it would be easier to change the rules of the relationship. So if you're not yet thirty, don't marry yet, there's still time. And if you're not yet thirty and you're already married, then I hope that you two are like my parents and so happy with your choice that you're able to weather life's problems together.
As I've contemplated my life I've found the truth in some advice given to me. A good friend of mine told me not to get married until I turned 30. She said that women really don't come into their own until around there, and so they shouldn't make major decisions like that until then. She told me that your twenties are for screwing up and discovering yourself. It's not until your thirties that you grow up.
At the time that my friend told me this I smiled, nodded, and thought about what a bunch of baloney it was. I was 26 or 27 and thought that I was fairly grown up, and perfectly capable of making decisions. I guess I was just fooling myself.
I've discovered that my attitude is changing. I don't want to take care of everybody under the sun. I want the people in my life to act like the adults that they're supposed to be and care for themselves. I'm not talking about if you've got the flu, you're on your own. I'm talking about day to day life.
If I dropped off the face of the earth, how would you function? Who would run and fetch for you? Make your calls? Prepare your food? Renew your insurance? Do your shopping? Whoever it is, they can do it now. I just want to only be responsible for myself. I don't have kids, so why am I caring for somebody as if I were their mother? I'm done, I quit.
And this is why I should have waited to marry. It would have changed what I was looking for in a husband, and so it would have changed our marriage. If we weren't married then it would be easier to change the rules of the relationship. So if you're not yet thirty, don't marry yet, there's still time. And if you're not yet thirty and you're already married, then I hope that you two are like my parents and so happy with your choice that you're able to weather life's problems together.
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