Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Vacation Plans

I need a little help here. Next month Donny and I are supposed to drive up to Lake Tahoe, spend the night, and then go on to Carson City. We're currently debating what route to take. We're looking at 80, 50, or 88. We're more interested in scenery and stuff to do on the way than we are in making good time. If anybody out there knows any of these routes I'd appreciate a little inside info.

This is not necessarily a trip that I'm looking forward to, but Donny has been begging to go for a long time. And his best friend, whom we're going to visit with, has offered to pay for our trip. He's even giving us a night in Tahoe to ourselves as an anniversary present. I had to agree to the trip sometime.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I'm still alive

I just realized how long it's been since I posted. There were computer problems, which got followed up by husband problems. I've also been working hard at not whining about life so much. Everyone has problems and I need to learn to deal with mine.

I wish that I could write that Donny's doing well, but this is the one place where I try to force myself to be honest. This last week has been really hard. As his mind goes he becomes more and more hostile. He yells at me a lot and spends a lot of time telling me how bad of a job I do with taking care of him. I know in my head that it's the disease talking, but my heart still takes it hard.

It's worse because angry at him for being an ass, and then I feel guilty for getting angry at him. And there's always that part of me that says to just shut up and take it because he's sick and doesn't have a lot of time left. Talk about conflicting emotions.

The part of me that I try to deny exists wants to know just how much longer this is going to take. When things are really bad and he's yelling at me I find myself wishing for a guide that tells me how long this will last. Is this just a phase and things will improve again? From what I've read I think that it's just going to get worse. And how much worse will it get? Will he become physically abusive? And if a disease causes your husband to be abusive how much should you put up with? I normally have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to abuse, but what about when it's caused by a disease?

As I was writing this just now Donny woke up and came to get me. He's recently developed a problem with wetting the bed and I needed to change the bed again. Fortunately I have a lot of sheets and blankets. This time my sheets didn't even have a chance to get dirty from being slept on. I guess this means that I need to go get a plastic cover for the bed this week.

These are some of the issues that I'm wrestling with right now. My head is not a fun place to be. On top of everything that's going on with Donny there are always family problems as well. My mom's going through a tough time right now. I suspect that a new memory is about to surface and she could really benefit from some loving support from her daughter.

My sister, who lives in Arkansas, is getting a divorce. There's a part of me that wants to say it's about time, but she doesn't need to hear it. We've all seen this coming for a while now, but they did last longer than we thought they would. Her and her husband have been separated for a little while now, which is why I wasn't surprised to hear that she's already got the next husband picked out. My mom said that from what my sister says he sounds like a really nice guy, but I haven't talked to her about any of this yet. I know she could use a call from her sister, but I just don't have it in m e right now.

Right now my heart is breaking for my niece. She's really going through a tough time, and there's nothing that I can do to fix it. She's 18 and getting ready to graduate high school. We also recently found out that when she was 14 she was raped. Her attacker told her that if she told anyone he would kill her and her family, so she kept it a secret. She was only a 14 year old kid, but she had the presence of mind to take the city bus to a clinic and get a pregnancy test and tested for STDs. She even had follow up testing done. All of this only came out because her mom found out that she was behaving a little too wildly. My sister-in-law wrote my niece this long letter about how disappointed she was and how if her dad was still alive he'd be really disappointed too. (He died of cancer about a year and a half ago, when my niece was 16.) My niece wrote back to her mom and let her know what was going on. Because this niece is from Donny's side of the family I haven't known her long, which makes it hard for me to know how to help her. I really love her and I'm very worried about her. I just don't know what to do to help her. Please pray for her, it's all I know to do.

Okay, I think that just about covers all the garbage running through my mind right now. It's amazing how helpful it is to just write it all down.

Friday, May 02, 2008


I was just listening to George Jones sing "50,000 Names Carved in the Wall" and it started me thinking. I currently have at least 3 cousins overseas and another one getting ready to go back. I say at least because I have cousins in the military that I don't do a good job of keeping track of them. But the ones that I do keep track of, I worry about them.

These boys, no, men now, are the ones that I used to babysit. They're the ones who were like really annoying little brothers at one time. They're two sets of brothers, and I have a lot of great memories with them. Even if we haven't done a good job keeping in touch, I love them.

The one set of brothers were like little brothers when I was younger. They stayed with an aunt of ours for a while and when they lived with her family my family was there a lot too. I can remember being so annoyed at the little nerds who just wanted to be considered cool by the only other boy in the group. (Of course that meant declaring war on the girls.) We used to joke about if you set them loose on a town they would have it leveled in a few days. Now one of them is training to be a demolitions expert. I tease him mercilessly about how fitting the job is.

The other set of brothers are the ones that I remember babysitting when I was a teenager. They tried to convince me that a good game to play would be to tie me up and put me in the closet and then time how long it would take me to get out. (I never fell for that.) The youngest also tried to tell me that his mom fed him 5 pounds of sugar every night before putting him to bed. I can remember them deciding that it would be fun to start calling me mom when we were out in public. Even when we went to get icecream at the diner that my latest crush worked at. They loved to embarrass me. The youngest ended up guarding President Reagan's remains during the viewing at the rotunda. He's now somewhere in Africa. The oldest took a post closer to the front lines because he was put in charge of that camp (or whatever it's called).

I don't talk about them much, but I worry about them. It just doesn't seem possible that the little terrors are old enough to fight and die for our country. Please pray for our military members, they need it.