Monday, March 31, 2008


I've been promising myself that I'd take the time for an update, but it's been way too long. My grandchildren came and left again. It was great to see them. We had a lot of fun. There's even talk of a return visit in a few months.

Last week I was having a morning at home when the phone rang. It was my mom's doctor calling to give her some test results. Not a receptionist or a nurse, but the doctor. Mom wasn't home so I gave the doctor her cell number. When the doctor is willing to take the time to track you down you know it's not good. I waited a few minutes and then I called my mom.

I was right, the news wasn't any good. It appears that my mom's kidneys, liver, and pancreas are all having problems. The extent of the problems aren't clear right now, more tests had to be ran. Tomorrow she sees the doctor to get those results. She's also being sent to specialists to get everything taken care of. I'm really worried about her.

Things with Donny aren't going too well either. Last Friday he had an appointment to see the doctor. I was planning to ask about getting his morphine prescription changed to a form that the insurance will cover. Right now we have to pay out of pocket to get him any and we can't afford it. There were some other questions that I had for the doctor too. It was a really important visit.

Friday morning Donny decided to inform me that he wasn't going to his appointment. He's decided to change doctors since this one's not doing anything for him except shoving pills down his throat. I tried to explain that there's nothing left to do besides use medication to keep him comfortable and his symptoms under control. He just doesn't get that there are no more tests, no more treatments.

I really think that the real reason for not going to the appointment is because he's drinking again and he doesn't want to get yelled at for it by his doctor. He knows that our doctor will take the pain killers away if he finds out about the alcohol. The drinking is bad again and he doesn't want to hear about it.

The latest bit of idiocy that I think will put Donny in the hospital though is his insistence that he just stop taking morphine. He says that he doesn't want to be addicted to it. He's been on the stuff for 2 years now, I think he's a little late on that one. And at this point, what does it matter if he is addicted to morphine? The doctor is willing to let him have it for the rest of his life, so I don't see the problem.

Speaking about the rest of his life, his latest thing is to tell me that he's dying soon. He usually says it when he's trying to get me to do what he wants. If I want to leave the room when he wants me to sit there he'll be sure to let me know that we don't have much longer together. And he loves to tell me how if I were the one about to die that you wouldn't be able to get him away from me. He is a master at guilt trips.

Also, this weekend my uncle moved in with us. It's supposed to be a temporary deal, but there's no time limit or anything. Donny's dealing well with it, which was my biggest concern. Everybody gets on my nerves at some point, so I know I'll be complaining about him at some point in the future, but right now it's been fairly smooth sailing. He's helping take care of grandma, and today he did the dishes for me. That's almost enough to classify him as a superhero in my book.

Well, I think that's all the current stuff. I'm sure there will be more soon.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Part of the problem with posting is that I feel like nothing exciting ever happens in my life. I go to work and then I come home and take care of Donny. What is there to talk about? I suppose I could regale you with stories from work, but how excited do you get about taxes? My profession is one that I have never seen a movie about.

Last night there was finally some excitement in my life. As I sat here playing on the computer last night I heard a loud boom. At first I was going to ignore it, but then I got worried about Donny. What if something happened and he went outside to investigate and got hurt? So I went to check.

When I opened my front door I was rather surprised to see that somebody was having a bonfire on the street. And they were using crazy Dan's car for fuel instead of wood. It was an impressive sight. The car was completely engulfed in flames.

Once I saw Donny was okay I called 911 to report that a car had just exploded across the street from me. Then I went to watch, but Donny wouldn't let me go outside because he was worried that the gas tank would explode. So I stood at the door and watched for a few minutes, then I headed outside.

Despite being told that the fire department was on it's way, and being warned about the dangers, crazy Dan grabbed his hose and started trying to put out the car. When it became obvious that he wasn't going to listen I had Donny get our hose and go help him. (I was starting to worry about the fire spreading.)

By the time that the first police officer arrived they had the fire under control. Donny asked the officer to grab an extinguisher and go help them, but he never did. By the time that the fire department got there the fire was down to a few hot spots. The firemen coated everything in their chemical stuff and made sure that there were no hot spots and then they left. They probably spent a total of 5 minutes on the car.

The police are still investigating, but right now they think that some kids did it. The lady that lives with crazy Dan is pretty sure that it's gang related. Her daughter's boyfriend, who happens to live there, flies red. The house two doors down from us flies blue. She's sure that they did it. I'm sure that this is going to get ugly.

I've decided that I don't need excitement in my life. Not when it's like this.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


When I posted yesterday I wasn't really thinking about the fact that my mom reads my blog. It didn't occur to me until she came out of the office with suspiciously wet eyes and told me to get dressed. I wasn't given a choice, I was going out.

We went and saw 27 Dresses. It was really funny. It was nice to laugh again. Then we went out to dinner at IHOP. Talk about comfort food! After that a trip to WalMart and then we headed home. (It was about midnight at this point, home was the only place left to go.) I hadn't realized until last night how long it had been since I'd played. I really enjoyed myself.

My mom explained to Donny that she was concerned about depression and so she wanted to take me out. We thought that it was best not to tell him how bad things were because he doesn't handle that kind of stuff well. But this morning things hit the point that I had to tell him what's going on. It was a nice surprise when he responded in a loving and supportive manner. I know that he loves me, but in the past he's dealt with this type of situation very poorly. I really didn't expect much out of him. It's been a good surprise.

It's nice to know that I can admit to being human and people won't think I'm awful. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect and I wind up thinking that's what everyone expects of me also. I'm not perfect and I don't think I ever will be. I fail people sometimes. I forget things, even important things. I struggle to balance my time between work, the people that I love and taking care of myself. I'm a work in progress, but I think that I'm improving. I hope to be like a fine wine and just improve with age.

For now I'm just human, and prone to human mistakes. Maybe someday I'll achieve perfection, maybe not. One thing that I know for sure is that along the way I'll need reminded that it's okay to be imperfect. Thank you for helping me remember that.

Monday, March 10, 2008


A while back I started blogging as a way of dealing with everything going on in my life. I thought that writing would be a good outlet for me. And I was right. It's helped a lot to talk about what I'm going through, and to know that somebody's listening. What I find interesting is that at my worst I can't reach out, even online, for support.

I've been going through a major depression lately. With my family I pretend that it's the flu. It helps that I have a nasty cold right now, so there are some visible symptoms. My propensity for sleeping and my grouchiness I've been able to pass off as symptoms as well. It's amazing how well I can hide my problems when I want to.

The depression got really bad this time. The other day I tried to put together a plan for suicide, but I couldn't figure out who would take care of Donny for me. I'm sure somebody would step-up, but I can't think of anybody. And if I don't know who's going to take over it would be very hard for me to train them. That thought probably saved my life.

I don't say these things because I want sympathy. I'm not looking for help. By writing this down and putting it out there I stop myself from doing something stupid. I know myself well enough to know that once this is posted I'll start feeling better and the suicidal urges will stop. This isn't a show or a plea for attention, this is me being honest.

I try hard to stay upbeat and positive all the time. I want to be an optimistic person who only sees the good in everybody and everything. The problem is that sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes the problems are too big to be considered anything but a problem. If you get enough of those on your plate at once it can be overwhelming.

My husband is dying. He's been telling me lately that he doesn't have the energy to fight anymore. I'm afraid that he's about to give up. I thought that I was ready for this, but how can you be? How do you prepare yourself to hear your best friend say that they're too tired to keep trying? And how do you help them keep going? When do you back off and say it's okay to stop fighting? Now that we found each other again I don't want to give him up.

And then there's my mom. Her health is getting worse. If she doesn't lose some weight fast Donny might outlive her. She's supposed to be having gastric bypass surgery, but every time we turn around there's another roadblock. This surgery is a matter of life or death now, but the doctors keep putting it off. They say that they want her to bring her BMI down, but we don't have that kind of time. I don't know what I'd do without her.

The list of people that I worry about goes on. My grandma isn't recovering from knee surgery nearly as well as I'd like. She's still in the nursing home doing rehab. The nursing home has had an outbreak of flu and it's apparently getting bad. I know that my grandma's a strong lady, but she's getting old. I don't know how much she'll be able to withstand.

All of that adds up to a lot on my mind. You have no idea how much it helps to tell somebody. I want to thank you for being there for me when I can't even tell the people around me what's going on.