Sunday, December 30, 2007

My Day

This morning I was headed into my room to grab some clothes and Donny woke up. He looked at me and said hello. I asked him to take some lactulose and he agreed. After that he just kept saying hello over and over again. After about 5 minutes he went back to sleep. I decided that he'd be okay for a bit and I went to church.

Church had ended and we were all standing around talking when my cell phone rang. My battery chose that moment to die so I didn't get the call. Then my friend's phone rang, and I knew. My mom was calling to let me know that Donny was sitting in the living room with his pants down and he didn't seem to know anybody. So I went home.

After much hard work I got Donny in the car. This was after he tried to simply walk through my frail, elderly aunt. My mom helped me get all Donny's stuff out to the car and made sure that I had some form of money on me. Then we were off to the hospital.

What does it say when ER staff members recognize you? Especially when one of them is the head security guard. I know he recognized me since he talked with me about what happened last time and the fact that security might get called again. The nice thing was that he helped me keep an eye on Donny, who felt the need to sit in as many chairs as he could find available. And he almost tried to sit in a couple of chairs that weren't available.

The tech in triage recognized us. He was helping the little blonde nurse that lives on the other coast the last time that we were in. I liked him that time, but I'm not so sure about this time. He seemed a little to quick to move to force with Donny, but maybe he was having one of those days.

Both doctors that we saw recognized us. The ER doc is one that I really like. Come to think of it, I like most of the ER docs there. He was as nice as always. Then came the resident. This is the same resident that had me in tears last time. He asked me if I thought that I could get Donny to take his lactulose at home. I could see where this was going, so I told him no. He was really going to try to send him home again this time.

When the lady from the lab came to draw Donny's blood I had to help pin him so that she could do it. When the nurse needed to start an IV I had to help pin him so that it could be done. When the lady wanted to do an ultrasound I had to pin Donny so that she could. When the other lady from the lab came for the second round of blood work I had to help pin Donny so that she could draw his blood. Then she called his nurse in and the lady from the lab and I had to pin Donny so that the nurse could draw his labs. And the doctor thinks that I can take care of him by myself. They're going to do a feeding tube to get his medicine down him, but he thinks that I should be doing this at home. How stupid can you get.

The hospital has assigned a sitter to be with Donny because of his confusion. It's the first time that this has been done. It's a nice alternative to restraints. I wonder if he'll be able to stay out of the restraints throughout the night.

Admitting never came and saw Donny while I was there. They never got his insurance information. It makes me wonder if they're just going by his files from previous trips. All the information is the same. Still, I thought that he'd have to sign something. Oh well, that's their problem. I don't need to worry about it until tomorrow.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

A Bad Wife

I often feel like a bad wife. I doubt myself and my choices a lot. Right now Donny is sleeping, just like he has all day. He's refusing to take his lactulose. When he wakes up he tends to be combative. I know where this is heading. But he's not at the hospital. Why? Well, that's where the bad wife part comes in.

I have decided to wait and see if I can't get him to improve here. I'm fairly certain that he's not bad enough to be admitted to the hospital yet. There's nothing that ER can really do to help, so we wait. Tomorrow things might change, but right now it looks like we'll be headed to the hospital in the morning.

All of this is made worse because a friend of my mom's woke up to find that her husband had died in the night. He was really sick and we knew that this was coming, but we all thought that there would be a few more months.

This lady is the one person with whom I've truly been able to share my journey, since she was walking the same path as me. We've vented about our husbands together, knowing that we wouldn't be judged. Through her I discovered that it's okay to be upset with somebody, even if they are sick.

My heart breaks for her. It's way too easy to imagine what she's going through. And yet I can't imagine it at all. To lose your best friend must be a bigger pain than I could ever imagine.

Today I got a reminder of why we're making decisions and arrangements now. It may be morbid, but we're planning Donny's funeral now. I don't want to be faced with all these decisions when I'm in the worst possible frame of mind to deal with them. I'm actually looking forward to getting it all done. Once we've done all that we can to prepare for death we can get on with life.

Friday, December 28, 2007


Let me start off by saying that Christmas was wonderful. We had brunch with some close friends of ours, then we had a family day at home. Everybody took a nap, followed by game time. The friends who provided brunch stopped by and we played a game together. After they left we sat around talking and just enjoying being a family. It was nice while it lasted.

Yesterday I took Donny to see the GI. This doctor is one who we've not cared for in the past. I'm sure he knows his stuff, but he has the personality of a wet rag. The first time that we saw him (which was about 2 years ago) Donny walked out of there describing him as House. His personality really does rival Dr. House.

The doctor did tell us that if Donny wants to get a liver transplant he has to stop drinking and give up the pain killers. The smoking thing makes sense, but the painkillers just aren't happening. He has very bad chronic back pain that can't be fixed. We looked into all the options before the rest of his health got so bad, painkillers are all that can be done. If you think that I'm going to live with him while he gives up the painkillers and smoking then you're smoking something. It will be ugly.

While the doctor didn't do much for us, he did spark a conversation about quality of life versus quantity of life. If you're going to have to live in excruciating pain, do you really want to go on living? At what point do you say screw it, I'm just going to enjoy what's left? And who should you discuss this with? Do his daughters, who have very little contact with us, deserve to be a part of this decision? Do I force the issue of including them? And do we put it off until the youngest decides to start talking to us again? I hat the decisions that have to be made.

The other thing that this Dr. is doing for (to?) Donny is an endoscopy. Apparently this should have been done a long time ago, since he's been diagnosed with portal hypertension. I swear, liver disease needs an instruction manual. There are so many things that I don't know I should be asking about. Every time we go to the doctor I have a list of questions for him. And there's still so much more to learn. I need to become a nurse just so I stand a chance of understanding what's going on.

In other news, my dad's cousin is supposed to be getting out of jail. We have high hopes that this means that grandma's sister will be moving out. Glen gets out of jail sometime in the middle of January. Donny says that Lenora said that he'll be living here until they can find a place. Lenora asked my mom to drop her off in the town that they usually live in on the 31st so that she can look for a place to stay. Please join me in praying that she has much success with her search.

My dad's brother is checking in to jail on the 8th. He has court that day and then he goes to jail from there. I really need to do some research to find out what kind of penalties a pedophile faces for not re registering every year. It'd be nice to have an idea of how long we can expect him to be locked up.

Well, I believe that's all my updates. Goodnight for now.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Reason I Celebrate

Luke 2:1-20

The Birth of Jesus
1In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3And everyone went to his own town to register.

4So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
The Shepherds and the Angels
8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
14"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

15When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Sunday, December 23, 2007


What the hell possessed me to make me think that I wanted to bake cookies? And why on earth would I think that I wanted to make cookie trays for people? How long could my brain been out of commission for, that I actually bought the ingredients?

My grandma bakes cookies on a scale only rivaled by some of the larger cookie manufacturers. Those little elves in a tree don't know what baking is. I think it was last week that I mailed off 18 boxes of cookies for her. The week before that it was only four since they were going overseas. And now there are more boxes to be mailed. I think it's about 16, but I'm not sure.

All of that should give me a clear idea of what I was undertaking, and I did it anyway. I'm only doing cookies for 3 or 4 families, so I don't need as many. I had figured that if I did one kind each day, starting on Wednesday, I'd have no problems being ready. Ha!

I think it was Tuesday night that I made my sugar cookie dough. It has to be refrigerated, so it didn't get baked that night. On Wednesday night I made some no bake cookies since I was too tired to do anything else. On Thursday I didn't get home until late, so nothing got done. Last night I was too tired to attempt anything. This all leads to me having too much baking to do today.

This morning I tried to get started, but Donny needed me. So this afternoon I went in and made the truffle dough. Then i baked off sugar cookies while the truffle dough was in the fridge. Then I rolled out truffles. Then I made mocha truffle cookies. Oh wait, somewhere in there I stopped for dinner. All I know is that after 9 hours of baking I'm still not done. There's still gooey caramel bars and lacy oatmeal cookies to do. Oh, and one more kind of no-bake cookie. And tomorrow we go see my mother-in-law.

Have you ever tried baking while dizzy? Let me tell you something, it adds a whole new level to the baking. I felt like some dumb drunk. Walking in a straight line is an under appreciated talent.

Well, I gotta go to bed now. I'm hoping that the baking will seem much more manageable after a good night's rest.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Not Now

I went to the doctor today. The bottom number on my blood pressure was a little high. I figure that there's enough stress in my life that I should be allowed the occasional high reading. All my previous readings have been normal, so one high reading isn't going to freak me out.

I talked to the doctor about the dizziness. He's going to run some blood tests to make sure that we don't miss anything, but he seems to suspect that it's stress related. I'm hoping that's all it is. I'm scared of having something wrong that means missing more work. I don't like starting a job at the same time that I may end up needing frequent doctor appointments.

I go back in a month for results. If anything major shows up in my blood work he'll call me in before then. I was going to get away with going back in three months, but then he looked at my blood pressure. He wants to check it again in a month just to be sure that it's nothing.

Christmas Fun

This post comes via Mielikki. It looked like fun, so I decided to play along. If you want to play too please join in.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?- Depends on how hard it will be to wrap. I prefer using wrapping paper though, it's more fun to open.

2. Real or Artificial Tree? Artificial. My mom's allergic to real. This time of year sucks for her.

3. When do you put up the tree? Normally it goes up the day after Thanksgiving, but this year it was a little later. Last week we finally bought a miniature tree that's fiber-optic to put on a table in the living room. We just didn't want to go to the hassle of dragging out the big tree.

4. When do you take the tree down? As late as we can get away with. Actually it usually comes down around January 2nd or 3rd.

5. Do you like eggnog? I love the stuff, but not with alcohol in it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? The only ones that I can recall was the year of coloring books and crayons. That was all I would ask for, so that's just about all I got. My mom counted something like 22 coloring books and about 10 different boxes of crayons. Not much variety, but I was thrilled.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Not that I can find, but I know I have one somewhere.

8. Worst Christmas Gift you ever received? I can't think of any truly bad gifts.

9. Mail or E mail Christmas Cards? What Christmas cards?

10. Favorite Christmas Movie?- The only one that I've watched recently is the Polar Express, and only because it's the only movie that my 2 year old nephew will watch right now.

11. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I have the money.

12. Favorite thing to eat on Christmas? Everything. (I didn't get fat by being a picky eater.)

13. Clear lights or colored? Colored on the tree, clear outside

14. Favorite Christmas Song? All the traditional carols and anything by Trans Siberian Orchestra.

15. Travel at Christmas, or stay home? Right now it's stay home, but when I lived away from my parents I would come home for Christmas.

16. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Nope, I have better things to do with my memory.

17. Angel or Star on the tree? It was an angel as I was growing up and I always figured that's what I'd use on my own tree someday. The first year that I had my own tree my best friend gave me a star for the top and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

18. Presents, Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day? When I was little it was 1 on Christmas Eve and the rest in the morning, then we moved close to my grandparents. When my grandma was about 9 she watched her identical twin sister burn to death on Christmas Eve. With her we always open gifts on Christmas Eve to help keep her mind off of that memory.

19. Most Annoying thing this time of year? The fact that Jesus is being taken out of the celebration of his birthday. I know that everybody doesn't believe the same way as me, but that doesn't give them the right to tell me that my beliefs are insensitive and need to be hidden so as to not offend others. What about the possibility of offending me? Where are my rights? (Okay, I'll step down off the soapbox now. Otherwise this could take awhile.)

20. What do you leave for Santa? We never did this. I guess Santa's on a diet at my house. I'm sure that Mrs. Claus will thank me.

21. Least favorite holiday song. I can't think of one.

22. Do you decorate your tree with any theme or color? No, I love our hodge-podge collection of ornaments. To me it's way more beautiful than the department-store-perfect trees.

23. Favorite Ornament? The crocheted iceskates

24.Family tradition? We always have clam chowder on Christmas Eve. The night that we decorate the tree we have the first eggnog of the season and cookies. We turn it into a little party, just for our family. Also, my mom has a tree skirt that was made with quilt blocks. Every year she writes where her and dad spend Christmas on one of the blocks. It goes all the way back to the beginning of their marriage. It's a really neat record of their Christmases. I have a tree skirt like it, but I haven't had a tree of my own since getting it. When it finally gets unpacked there's going to be a lot of catching up to do.

25. Ever been to midnight mass or late night Christmas Eve services? The latest Christmas Eve service that I've been to starts at 6:00 p.m., not that late. But when I was little we would go to church on New Year's Eve. We'd have a church service and then everybody would play games and eat until midnight. It was always a lot of fun. And it was the one time all year that I got to wear pajamas to church.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A busy day

Donny finally got over being mad at me, although after today I don't know if that will still be true. My day was busy. It got off to a great start. Donny and I did fine this morning. My mom took me out to breakfast. And then I went shopping. I got everything I was looking for at the first store that I went to. Go pick up my mom and she takes me out to lunch.

I knew that things were going to get a bit hectic when I called my friend that's doing the tax stuff with me. I needed to let her know that I would be meeting her at our training session instead of having her pick me up at my house. That's when she reminded me that's when she reminded me that I was supposed to watch her son for about an hour this morning. I had completely forgotten. She was quick to forgive me and reminded me that I was babysitting tonight. Good thing she reminded me.

As I sat waiting for my mom to finish what she was doing so that we could go to lunch I had another dizzy spell. These are getting annoying. It was followed by the trick my eyes play on me where it looks like there's fog rolling in waves up my eyes. It's really weird. And then at lunch I got dizzy again. This time it lasted close to half an hour. That's when mom took the car keys away.

After lunch mom dropped me off at our training thing. It was long and rather boring. I was getting sore because the chair I was in was tilted just right that I was fighting to not get dumped in the floor. I would have gotten a different chair, but the next available chair was spoken for by the guy that was sitting on a box.

After training I went to my friend's house to babysit. I know that Donny's upset that I didn't tell him in advance that I had this to do, but I had completely forgotten. I had expected to be done in about 3 hours. It took a little over 5. But that's okay, we had fun.

Have you ever done a gingerbread house with a 2 year old? Let me tell you something, they're not that interested. The only reason that he stayed by my side was because I had a steady stream of sugar available. he was licking the trees that I was making. (They're covered in frosting.) He finally took a sugar cone, heavily frosted the inside, and ate it. He also helped himself quite heavily to my candy. A little after 10:00 he greeted his mother as she came in by running in circles right in front of her. I hate to think how she'll get me back for this.

Well, I'm dizzy again, so I must need to go to bed. Goodnight.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Lord help us all!

Donny is pissed at me. He is so pissed at me that he tried to ground me. Now you may not know this, but I can be rather stubborn. When he tried to ground me I laughed at him. To prove that he couldn't ground me I then went shopping with my mom. (I still can't find blouses for work.) The worst part about this fight is that it's because I force him to take care of himself.

Yesterday I needed to go to the grocery store. Donny said that he'd go with me. He wanted a soda and he wanted out of the house. This sounded good, so my mom told me to use her money to get him some soda and a thing of Limburger cheese.

We got in the car to go and Donny looks at me and says, "Let the fighting begin. Can I have a couple beers?" My immediate, and rather emphatic, answer was no. I will not let him go down that path again. So he got out of the car and went back in the house. I went in and got dinner ready so that I could go shopping with my mom. I decided to go with our original plan of me fixing dinner and then we'd go to the grocery store before heading into town.

As I was fixing dinner Donny came in and told me that he'd changed his mind and I was no longer allowed to go shopping with my mom. I ignored him and continued what I was doing. He came back a few minutes later and said that he wanted to talk to me. I filed that away in my head and finished what I was doing.

When dinner was ready I found Donny to see what he needed. He told me again that I wasn't to go shopping with my mom. He claims that I have him trapped in our house and won't let him go anywhere or do anything. That's why for the next 2 weeks I'm only allowed to go to work and then come straight home.

That didn't really fly with me. I pointed out that I'm always asking him to go places with me, but he doesn't ever feel like it, so I don't push it. He then said that I have him cut off from everything. I asked what I have him cut off from, besides booze. He said his medicine. I pointed out that I give him his medicine just how it's prescribed. I told him that if he had problems with his medicine then he needed to take it up with his doctor. He quit trying to argue with me then.

So I left, and came home to one very pissed off husband. I went to church this morning, and came home to one very pissed off husband. I'm now wondering how long he'll nurse this grudge. I hope it passes soon, I don't have the patience for this for much longer.

I'm now wondering if any of this is related to his medicine. He just started a round of steroids and I've heard that they can make people aggressive. If that's the case then I've got 2 weeks of this to look forward to. May God have mercy on us all.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Yeah Me!

I got my score from my final back today. I got 100%! This gave me 98% overall for the class. That was the highest grade in our class. My friend that was doing the class with me (who did taxes last year) got a slightly lower score than me, which means that I get the bragging rights. I get a couple days to bask in the joy of this, and then I start my training. At least that's paid time. I'm so happy! :)

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Decisions, decisions...

For a while now Donny and I have talked about moving once we get our finances in order. Things are finally looking up, so the debate has become more involved. We really don't know what to do.

Living in our current home is not an ideal situation. I love my family, but they drive me nuts sometimes. The worst of it is that my grandma and her sister don't deal well with Donny. They have a hard time accepting that his brain is gone and so there's no changing his odd behaviors. And, to be honest, I'm sick of hearing how awful my husband is. He may not be very functional now, but this isn't the real Donny. The real Donny is buried somewhere under all that confusion and it's for him that we keep trying.

The drawback to getting a place of our own is that I'm starting a full time job. Who's going to stay with Donny while I work? I certainly can't leave him home alone all day. He's not safe by himself. Everybody that I know has a life of their own and is unable to drop everything to sit with Donny all day. I just don't see how we'd get around that.

So the debate rages on. At the moment it's all academic anyway. But the day is coming quickly where we'll need to make a decision.

Good News

I just talked to Donny's lawyer. He's been approved for Social Security disability! This opens up so many possibilities for him. After comments to my last, rather depressed, post I started looking into hospice care. It was really discouraging to see them all talk about getting Medicare to pay for their services. Now that he's been declared disabled I have hope that he'll qualify for more services. I really think that this will open up a lot of treatment possibilities. There's hope again!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

More questions

Could somebody please tell me what to expect? How much worse will Donny get before it's over? How much time do we have left? Isn't there anybody out there who has some idea of what's going to happen?

I don't know how much more I can handle. And I don't know what I'll do when I can't care for him anymore. If we're nowhere near the end, and it's going to get a lot worse, I just might lose my mind.

Do you have any idea what it's like to watch your husband lose his mental function? Donny was never book smart, but he used to have street smarts that could get you through anything. Now he can't dress himself unless he's wearing sweats and a tshirt. And even then he can't always dress himself. And don't even think about getting him to shower by himself. How much worse can it get?

I fear the day that we have to switch to using diapers with him. I can change a baby, but how do you change an adult? And yet, I can't be home all the time to take him to the bathroom. Life has to keep going somehow. What will I do?

Our insurance doesn't cover a nursing home, so there's no way in hell that they'll cover home nursing. And if I can't get Social Security to declare him disabled, then most services for low income disabled people aren't available to us.

I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall. All I want is good healthcare for my husband, but I can't figure out how to get that.

If a doctor could tell me what to expect I could at least start looking for solutions to coming problems, but they're vague at best. And the specialist that's supposed to see him keeps putting him off. I keep get the feeling that folks are just making excuses, biding their time, waiting til he dies. Then the problem goes away, and they never have to deal with it.

Our regualr doctor does what he can, but this isn't his area of expertise. He tries to help me, but he can't force other people to do anything. He just can't provide the answers that I need.

Where are all the answers?


Yesterday was a long, but fun day. I went shopping with my mom. I need clothes for the office, but I'm on a budget. This makes clothes shopping a challenge. I love a challenge. I was at one of the pricier stores that I like, looking at the clearance racks. I found some pants that were exactly what I was looking for, and they were my size. So I started looking for a price. The only sign that I could see said $4.99. Now, I know that I was shopping a clearance rack, but these were $44.99 normally, so I knew that couldn't be the price. I finally asked somebody who worked there to check the price for me. They were $4.99! I got three new pairs of pants.

Last night I babysat for my pastor. I got the kids from the other babysitter at 8:00. I had the girls put their jammies on right away because I wanted to get them into bed. Their mom had laid out clean jammies for all three girls right where they couldn't be missed in the living room floor. So the girls stripped down right there in the living room and changed. The youngest one took the middle girl's jammies and had the shirt on before anybody realized what she had done. Getting the right jammies on her caused the first meltdown.

They informed me that they were hungry, the other babysitter didn't give them dinner (not true), they always get a bedtime snack, and so on. So I let them have some crackers with peanutbutter and a little milk. The youngest one got over her meltdown and joined us for snack. her cracker broke and so it became unacceptable to her. So she threw it across the table at her sister. That's when I removed her from the table, and so began the second meltdown.

I took her in the hallway, awa from the noise, and was kind of rocking her and trying to calm her down. I asked her if she wanted a snack and she told me no. So I asked her if she wanted some milk and she told me no. Then I asked her if she just wanted to be disagreeable, and she said yes. Lovely, she's not quite three and she's already PMSing.

Snack time was over and I got the girls to brush their teeth, one at a time. (The girls, not the teeth.) I was a little alarmed at the number of books tthat they had brought to me for bedtime story, but figured that they would get one each. (For the chapter book it was one chapter each.) I was informed that they normally got two books or two chapters each at bedtime. That's a lot of reading, but their dad's as big of a nerd as mine, so I could see that being the norm.

At the end of story time the oldest tried really hard to convince me to read one more chapter out of her book. When that didn't work she tried to convince me that she always gets time to read to herself before lights out. She was really put out when that didn't work. And the youngest was really put out when I didn't let her crawl into bed with her sister. And so she tried to go into meltdown number three, but she was just too tired.

Somewhere around 9:30 or 9:45 I finally had the girls settled and left their room. By 10:00 they were all asleep.

I still say that it's harder to put Donny to bed.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Ho hum...

I had a fairly average day today. This morning Donny decided to take his medicine after all. He's terrified of being put in restraints again. When his head's clear he realizes that he can avoid restraints by taking his lactulose, so he's usually pretty good about taking it.

I went grocery shopping with my parents today. We spent $478.37 in one LONG trip to the store. Let me tell you, our monthly shopping trips are not for the faint of heart. My mom and I got worried when we realized that we'd lost my dad and he had his own cart. Fortunately he didn't put very much in it, because I had to track him down and trade carts since mine and mom's were full. I was exhausted by the time we left the store.

After spending almost $500 dollars on groceries, we had KFC for dinner. I was too damn tired to cook. Donny woke up just as we were sitting down to eat, so for once he actually joined us at the dinner table. It was nice to have a family dinner, even if Donny and Aunt Lenora couldn't stop sniping at each other for very long.

After dinner I took a chair into the kitchen and sat down to start working on the groceries. I had to sort through all the bags and make sure that all the perishables were put away. I also had to sort out the stuff that's being saved for something special and set it aside. As I was sitting there doing this a large can of pumpkin fell of the counter. The edge of it hit my knee and it felt like it dug in behind the knee cap some. Let me tell you, that smarts.

I found out today that my babysitting job tomorrow will be easier than I thought. I'm to show up at 8:00, just after the first babysitter puts the kids to bed. I just have to be a live, warm, adult body in the house. A piece of cake!

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Ups and Downs

Today was a day of ups and downs for me. I didn't do the reading for my class this morning. I simply had run out of time well before I ran out of stuff to do. I was also a little worried because I thought that I needed to study more before my final on parts 2 & 3 today.

When class started the instructor asked the class if anybody had done the reading. Nobody spoke up, so at least I wasn't alone. He then said that it was okay since none of it would be on the final. What a relief!

It got better when we only used about half the morning session for that chapter. Our instructor decided to use the other half to review what would be on the final. He told us that we could have a page of notes for the closed book portion of the final. And then he went over each question one by one, telling us the answers. He didn't say that we were covering the exact questions from the final, but I had a hunch that we were. That's why I wrote down the answers as he gave them.

When it came time to do the final I took out the notes I'd taken during the review. I read everything carefully, just to be sure that the questions were the same ones that we'd covered, and then I copied the answers over. The open book part was really easy too, since we'd been told exactly where to find the answers.

The third part of the final was to do an actual return that included all the schedules and forms that we'd been studying. If you own your own home, have a rental property, hold a job, own a business, and are raising a couple of kids, one of whom is in college, I can do your taxes.

I got this return done and just needed to print and sign it when I discovered that there was a problem with my computer and I couldn't print. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, just sign in on another computer and print your return. Unfortunately my computer was not hooked up to the network so I couldn't access my work from another computer. This meant that I had to start all over again.

So I switched computers and redid my work. After I was all done I realized that I was wrong. I hadn't turned in my work yet, so I was able to fix it. It took me an hour to find $15. What really sucked was that once I found the error I realized that it was something that I would have gotten right if I hadn't second guessed myself. Oh well, at least I found the error in time to fix it. I should get a good grade on this. The best part is that there is only one more session of class, and that's just to get our scores and go over last minute tax law updates. I'm done!

I came home all excited. I was ready to celebrate. And then I realized that I'm teaching Sunday School tomorrow and I still haven't prepared. So I went down to the church to get the supplies only to discover that there was a dinner being held in the room where the supplies are. I was able to discover that there was no green paper for our craft tomorrow, so I got spend a couple of hours coloring some paper green. When I get done here I have to go back to the church and try to get my supplies. (Having keys to the church comes in handy sometimes.)

As I was working on coloring the paper green Donny came in and asked about getting his medicine. I had him bring me the bag and I got out tonight's pills. As I was doing so it became obvious to me that he got into his medicine today and took some. This wouldn't be bad if he would properly dose himself, but he gets it all wrong. I no longer have enough pain killers to make it until time to fill them again. It doesn't help that day 30 falls on the weekend, so he can't get his medicine until day 32. I had it all worked out, but he just screwed that up royally. I am so pissed!

I confronted Donny about this, but he just got all mad and swears up and down that he didn't get into the medicine at all. But I'm absolutely positive that he did. So now he's refusing to take any medicine at all.

The no medicine edict includes his lactulose. I am so not looking forward to this. He's going to get stubborn and not take his lactulose until it puts him into the hospital. I'm expecting Tuesday or Wednesday to be headed to the hospital with him. I'm getting really tired of this routine.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

And then he pulls a stunt like this...

My husband can be so sweet. I got paid today, and due to getting extra hours we had more cash than usual. I was thinking of all the things that we need to get done and trying to prioritize them. That's about when Donny told me that I had to put $100 in my dad's wallet.

Donny's not allowed to have cash, so I wasn't surprised that he said for me to give the money to my dad, what surprised me was the amount of money that he wanted put away. So I started questioning him. Why do you want me to put that money away? Is there something that I should know?

Donny had to think about it for a bit before deciding to answer me. At first he just said that it was for a Christmas present. That's when I started trying to bargain him down to a smaller amount, but he was adamant. He thought about it, realized that I would have to be in on the purchasing phase of things, and decided to tell me what was going on.

My husband wants me to buy myself a pair of shoes. He wants me to actually spend $100 on 1 pair of shoes. For budgetary reasons I just can't bring myself to spend that much on 1 pair of shoes. This is why tomorrow my husband is going shopping with me while I look for shoes.

Just when I'm convinced that the sweet, thoughtful man that I married is gone for good, he goes and does something like this. I really do love him, even when he doesn't insist that I buy new shoes.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Black Monday

I'm beginning to think that I should not attempt to do anything outside of the house. I went to work for about an hour this evening. Donny called me while I was there to let me know that he'd had 2 black, tarry bowel movements today. Thanks for sharing.

Maybe the problem is that I had nowhere to go tomorrow. I thought that I was finally getting a stay at home day, but maybe not. I now have to give his doctor a call in the morning and ask him how concerned we should be. I'm really hoping to hear that we should give it a couple of days and see what happens. I'm still holding out hope that it's something that he ate.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

A punch in the gut

Last night was the annual tree lighting in our small town. My mom had a craft booth and my church was passing out cookies. The two booths were side by side so being at them both was easy. I was able to visit with people and spend more time getting to know them. It was really fun.

At one point a man brought his daughter to the church's booth to get a cookie. She was 15 months old and she was adorable. With her dad's encouragement she would hold one little tiny finger up when asked her age. She smiled real pretty at everyone and seemed to be a very happy child. It was great.

That's when the punch in the stomach came. I never see it coming, it's always too late to back off before it hits. I want one. Donny and I really wanted to have a child together. Unfortunately I can't have one without a doctor's help. And right now the doctor won't let me because it would be too high of a risk health wise. The truly awful thing is that I know that Donny and I will never have a child together. It won't happen before he goes. Even if I were healthy, he couldn't now.

I know that there is still the possibility of having a baby some time in the future. However, I'm 30, so that window of opportunity is getting smaller. With all my health issues this is something that I should have done in my 20s, but it wasn't time for a baby then. By the time that I find somebody else to start a family with, if I ever do, I'll probably be a lot closer to 40. I'm getting really afraid that I'll never know the joy of being pregnant. At least there's a much better prospect for knowing the joy of motherhood. There's always adoption.