A punch in the gut

Last night was the annual tree lighting in our small town. My mom had a craft booth and my church was passing out cookies. The two booths were side by side so being at them both was easy. I was able to visit with people and spend more time getting to know them. It was really fun.

At one point a man brought his daughter to the church's booth to get a cookie. She was 15 months old and she was adorable. With her dad's encouragement she would hold one little tiny finger up when asked her age. She smiled real pretty at everyone and seemed to be a very happy child. It was great.

That's when the punch in the stomach came. I never see it coming, it's always too late to back off before it hits. I want one. Donny and I really wanted to have a child together. Unfortunately I can't have one without a doctor's help. And right now the doctor won't let me because it would be too high of a risk health wise. The truly awful thing is that I know that Donny and I will never have a child together. It won't happen before he goes. Even if I were healthy, he couldn't now.

I know that there is still the possibility of having a baby some time in the future. However, I'm 30, so that window of opportunity is getting smaller. With all my health issues this is something that I should have done in my 20s, but it wasn't time for a baby then. By the time that I find somebody else to start a family with, if I ever do, I'll probably be a lot closer to 40. I'm getting really afraid that I'll never know the joy of being pregnant. At least there's a much better prospect for knowing the joy of motherhood. There's always adoption.