A Bad Wife

I often feel like a bad wife. I doubt myself and my choices a lot. Right now Donny is sleeping, just like he has all day. He's refusing to take his lactulose. When he wakes up he tends to be combative. I know where this is heading. But he's not at the hospital. Why? Well, that's where the bad wife part comes in.

I have decided to wait and see if I can't get him to improve here. I'm fairly certain that he's not bad enough to be admitted to the hospital yet. There's nothing that ER can really do to help, so we wait. Tomorrow things might change, but right now it looks like we'll be headed to the hospital in the morning.

All of this is made worse because a friend of my mom's woke up to find that her husband had died in the night. He was really sick and we knew that this was coming, but we all thought that there would be a few more months.

This lady is the one person with whom I've truly been able to share my journey, since she was walking the same path as me. We've vented about our husbands together, knowing that we wouldn't be judged. Through her I discovered that it's okay to be upset with somebody, even if they are sick.

My heart breaks for her. It's way too easy to imagine what she's going through. And yet I can't imagine it at all. To lose your best friend must be a bigger pain than I could ever imagine.

Today I got a reminder of why we're making decisions and arrangements now. It may be morbid, but we're planning Donny's funeral now. I don't want to be faced with all these decisions when I'm in the worst possible frame of mind to deal with them. I'm actually looking forward to getting it all done. Once we've done all that we can to prepare for death we can get on with life.