Sunday, December 21, 2008


It's amazing how the world goes on. Friday and Saturday I stayed home and spent time with my family. On Friday I went to the grocery store. It went okay until I went to get the chocolate cake that I was asked to bring home. There was double fudge cake or german chocolate and I was having a hard time deciding which kind to get. I thought that I should call Donny and see which sounded better to him and it hit all over again. I had to walk away and compose myself so I could go back and just grab one.

This morning I went to church. It was good for me. After church a couple that I'm friends with came over and helped me set up the christmas tree. We hadn't planned on decorating for Christmas, but with the grandkids coming I needed to. The girls want to celebrate Christmas with me this year, so I needed to at least make some effort to be ready. This evening I went to Bible study at a friend's house. I went early and had dinner with her, it was nice and relaxing.

Tomorrow I'm headed to my mother-in-law's for a visit and to drop off a cd of pictures. My niece has volunteered to do a collage of pictures on a poster board for Donny's memorial service. At 2:00 I'm meeting with my pastor to plan Donny's service. I'm hoping to also get a few things done around the house. There are still presents that need wrapped. My aunt and uncle let their dog sleep with them on my parent's bed so it needs stripped and everything washed, since my mom's allergic to dogs.

Staying busy should help. I'm trying hard not to let my mind get too active. I keep being plagued with questions. My biggest question is whether or not it would have made any difference if I had gotten Donny to the hospital. I knew he was sick. As I went in to our room on Thursday morning I was think about how if he slept like he had the day before then I would need to take him in. I feel so guilty for not taking him to the hospital. Because there was no autopsy I'll probably never have my answer. I just hope that I can learn to live with the wondering.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

December 18, 2008

I will remember today for the rest of my life. I will remember it for the horror and for the sadness. I will also remember it for the overwhelming kindness and love shown to me today. Today I discovered my village.

A little before 8:00 this morning I went into my bedroom to put together Donny's medicine for the day. As I was walking in there I was thinking about how if Donny spent today sleeping like he did yesterday that I would need to take him to the hosputal. As I was passing the foot of the bed I laid a hand on his leg and realized that it was cold. I had the thought that I needed to cover him up, and the I stopped to look at his chest. It's actually been a habit lately to watch Donny in his sleep until I see something move, just to be sure. The problem was that I couldn't see any movement. As I laid my hand in a couple other places I realized that he was unnaturally cold. I felt for a pulse, and then went to get my uncle. My uncle was in there for less than 30 seconds when he came out and called 911. Donny was gone.

I called my sister by other parents and she got there the same time as the cops. She held my hand as the police officer asked me questions about Donny. She took the phone away from me and called family. She asked our pastor to come. She kept all the phones and fielded all the calls. As she did this my uncle dealt with the paramedics, police and the guys from the mortuary. I still don't know who called the mortuary for me. Michelle took me to the bank to get Donny's ATM card deactivated. She took me to the mortuary to finalize details. She took me home with her to avoid people I didn't want to see. Three times today she set food in front of me and made me eat it. She got me through the day.

The list of people who called asking to be allowed to do something for me is so long that I'm afraid I can't remember it all. Several people from the church called. Lots of family called. My manager from H&R Block called. One of the girls from my office. One of our local police officers stopped by while I was gone and left his business card. He used to come sit and visit with Donny, so I'm sure it was just a condolance call. Our doctor called and said that if there's anything that he can do to let him know. The number of people who have specifically said that they don't mind if I call in the middle of the night is amazing. I'm overwhelmed at the love and support that came today.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I should feel. One minute I'm marveling at the number of people who love us, and the next I'm crying about the idea of trying to go on. Mostly I feel numb. I worry that I'll keep feeling numb. It's a pettern for me. I worry that I'll quit being numb. I'm scared to feel the loss. I'm not ready for it. We knew this was coming, I tried to get ready, but how do you prepare for the death of the love of your life? I don't know . I don't know anything anymore.