Sunday, December 21, 2008


It's amazing how the world goes on. Friday and Saturday I stayed home and spent time with my family. On Friday I went to the grocery store. It went okay until I went to get the chocolate cake that I was asked to bring home. There was double fudge cake or german chocolate and I was having a hard time deciding which kind to get. I thought that I should call Donny and see which sounded better to him and it hit all over again. I had to walk away and compose myself so I could go back and just grab one.

This morning I went to church. It was good for me. After church a couple that I'm friends with came over and helped me set up the christmas tree. We hadn't planned on decorating for Christmas, but with the grandkids coming I needed to. The girls want to celebrate Christmas with me this year, so I needed to at least make some effort to be ready. This evening I went to Bible study at a friend's house. I went early and had dinner with her, it was nice and relaxing.

Tomorrow I'm headed to my mother-in-law's for a visit and to drop off a cd of pictures. My niece has volunteered to do a collage of pictures on a poster board for Donny's memorial service. At 2:00 I'm meeting with my pastor to plan Donny's service. I'm hoping to also get a few things done around the house. There are still presents that need wrapped. My aunt and uncle let their dog sleep with them on my parent's bed so it needs stripped and everything washed, since my mom's allergic to dogs.

Staying busy should help. I'm trying hard not to let my mind get too active. I keep being plagued with questions. My biggest question is whether or not it would have made any difference if I had gotten Donny to the hospital. I knew he was sick. As I went in to our room on Thursday morning I was think about how if he slept like he had the day before then I would need to take him in. I feel so guilty for not taking him to the hospital. Because there was no autopsy I'll probably never have my answer. I just hope that I can learn to live with the wondering.


mielikki said...

Jamie if you would have taken him to the hospital, then Donny would have died in the hospital, being stressed out and irritated that he was there and not at home. It was simply his time. There was only so much that could have been done. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Now I know that me just telling you that probably won't make you 'see the light' as it were, but please keep that in the back of your mind as you process and deal with all that is going on right now. You are/were a wonderful, very supportive wife to Donny, he could not have asked for better.

Christine said...

I love you Jamie. I know you did everything you could possibly do to make Donny as comfortable and happy as you possibly could. Please don't beat yourself up with the "what-ifs". They will drive you crazy. Just take solace in the fact that quality of his life with you at HOME outweighed any potentially increased quantity in a hospice setting.

Please don't hesitate to call me anytime... and our home is always open to you for as long as you'd like to visit!


Take care, Jay-Jay.


Peter said...

Jamie, if he went peacefully in his sleep, then give thanks to God for that. My father's dying right now - according to the doctor, it's a matter of weeks, perhaps days - and he's in great discomfort. All of us are praying that he goes in his sleep, when the time comes, rather than having to face the end awake and in pain.

An image I've often used when speaking with bereaved families, and which I offer to you, is that our lives are, in some ways, a bit like a butterfly's. We go through life in the early stages of development, from egg to worm to chrysalis. All that time, our body is simply a home for our immortal soul. When the chrysalis forms, we know the butterfly is inside it, getting ready to fly.

When the butterfly's ready (i.e. our soul), it bursts open the chrysalis and flies away in all its beauty. All that had gone before was no more than preparation for this moment, when the beauty within the chrysalis is revealed. Donny's soul has done the same thing. It no longer needed the 'chrysalis' of his body, and has gone on its way to our Heavenly Father in the beauty that He designed for it out of all eternity. What's left behind is the empty chrysalis Donny no longer needed.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, and I'd be grateful if you'd please keep Bill, my father, in your own.

God bless you.


Anonymous said...

I wandered over from What's it Like to Mie.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss.

I send some postive vibes your way.

(and I totally agree with Mie about the hospital)