December 18, 2008

I will remember today for the rest of my life. I will remember it for the horror and for the sadness. I will also remember it for the overwhelming kindness and love shown to me today. Today I discovered my village.

A little before 8:00 this morning I went into my bedroom to put together Donny's medicine for the day. As I was walking in there I was thinking about how if Donny spent today sleeping like he did yesterday that I would need to take him to the hosputal. As I was passing the foot of the bed I laid a hand on his leg and realized that it was cold. I had the thought that I needed to cover him up, and the I stopped to look at his chest. It's actually been a habit lately to watch Donny in his sleep until I see something move, just to be sure. The problem was that I couldn't see any movement. As I laid my hand in a couple other places I realized that he was unnaturally cold. I felt for a pulse, and then went to get my uncle. My uncle was in there for less than 30 seconds when he came out and called 911. Donny was gone.

I called my sister by other parents and she got there the same time as the cops. She held my hand as the police officer asked me questions about Donny. She took the phone away from me and called family. She asked our pastor to come. She kept all the phones and fielded all the calls. As she did this my uncle dealt with the paramedics, police and the guys from the mortuary. I still don't know who called the mortuary for me. Michelle took me to the bank to get Donny's ATM card deactivated. She took me to the mortuary to finalize details. She took me home with her to avoid people I didn't want to see. Three times today she set food in front of me and made me eat it. She got me through the day.

The list of people who called asking to be allowed to do something for me is so long that I'm afraid I can't remember it all. Several people from the church called. Lots of family called. My manager from H&R Block called. One of the girls from my office. One of our local police officers stopped by while I was gone and left his business card. He used to come sit and visit with Donny, so I'm sure it was just a condolance call. Our doctor called and said that if there's anything that he can do to let him know. The number of people who have specifically said that they don't mind if I call in the middle of the night is amazing. I'm overwhelmed at the love and support that came today.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I should feel. One minute I'm marveling at the number of people who love us, and the next I'm crying about the idea of trying to go on. Mostly I feel numb. I worry that I'll keep feeling numb. It's a pettern for me. I worry that I'll quit being numb. I'm scared to feel the loss. I'm not ready for it. We knew this was coming, I tried to get ready, but how do you prepare for the death of the love of your life? I don't know . I don't know anything anymore.