A while back I started blogging as a way of dealing with everything going on in my life. I thought that writing would be a good outlet for me. And I was right. It's helped a lot to talk about what I'm going through, and to know that somebody's listening. What I find interesting is that at my worst I can't reach out, even online, for support.
I've been going through a major depression lately. With my family I pretend that it's the flu. It helps that I have a nasty cold right now, so there are some visible symptoms. My propensity for sleeping and my grouchiness I've been able to pass off as symptoms as well. It's amazing how well I can hide my problems when I want to.
The depression got really bad this time. The other day I tried to put together a plan for suicide, but I couldn't figure out who would take care of Donny for me. I'm sure somebody would step-up, but I can't think of anybody. And if I don't know who's going to take over it would be very hard for me to train them. That thought probably saved my life.
I don't say these things because I want sympathy. I'm not looking for help. By writing this down and putting it out there I stop myself from doing something stupid. I know myself well enough to know that once this is posted I'll start feeling better and the suicidal urges will stop. This isn't a show or a plea for attention, this is me being honest.
I try hard to stay upbeat and positive all the time. I want to be an optimistic person who only sees the good in everybody and everything. The problem is that sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes the problems are too big to be considered anything but a problem. If you get enough of those on your plate at once it can be overwhelming.
My husband is dying. He's been telling me lately that he doesn't have the energy to fight anymore. I'm afraid that he's about to give up. I thought that I was ready for this, but how can you be? How do you prepare yourself to hear your best friend say that they're too tired to keep trying? And how do you help them keep going? When do you back off and say it's okay to stop fighting? Now that we found each other again I don't want to give him up.
And then there's my mom. Her health is getting worse. If she doesn't lose some weight fast Donny might outlive her. She's supposed to be having gastric bypass surgery, but every time we turn around there's another roadblock. This surgery is a matter of life or death now, but the doctors keep putting it off. They say that they want her to bring her BMI down, but we don't have that kind of time. I don't know what I'd do without her.
The list of people that I worry about goes on. My grandma isn't recovering from knee surgery nearly as well as I'd like. She's still in the nursing home doing rehab. The nursing home has had an outbreak of flu and it's apparently getting bad. I know that my grandma's a strong lady, but she's getting old. I don't know how much she'll be able to withstand.
All of that adds up to a lot on my mind. You have no idea how much it helps to tell somebody. I want to thank you for being there for me when I can't even tell the people around me what's going on.