Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Living for Today

This month I trusted Donny to go to the doctor by himself. It's the first time that I haven't gone with him in a long time. He came home reporting that he had gained a little more weight and that everything else was the same.

The following day was my appointment. (I lost 4 pounds and my blood pressure dropped a little.) I walked in the back and the nurse starts telling me how good Donny looked the day before. The doctor was in the hallway there and he chimed in telling me how good Donny looked and how he could actually carry on a conversation. They both went on and on about how good he appeared to be doing. The doctor said that whatever I'm doing I need to keep it up. He actually said that the improvements are mmore likely to be due to me than him. It was nice to hear.

Things are going better right now. Not only is Donny's health doing okay right now, but things between us have improved. Every day I fall in love with him all over again. Things are going really well right now and I'm soaking up every minute of it while it lasts.

I can't help but worry a little though. Even though Donny looked better, there were no actual improvements in his health. No matter how pretty tthe wrapping is, his liver is still destroyed. But I can't help that little flame of hope that comes through when he's doing well. I know it's pointless since his health is still awful, but I can't quite extinguish it. It gets hard to remember how sick he is on the inside.

I'm afraid of the heartbreak that I'm setting myself up for. Donny's going to die sooner rather than later. All the doctor's agree about that. I want to enjoy what we have right now, but there's a part of me holding back. I'm terrified that I'm going to fall apart when I lose him. The worst thing is that there's nothing that I can do about it. I'm already head over heels for him, how do you undo that? How can you want to undo that?

I know that I'm borrowing trouble from tomorrow, but I can't seem to stop. So for now I ignore that nagging voice in the back of my head and just live for today.


mielikki said...

but it is better to have had him for the time, to know that love, then never have known it, right? When the inevitable comes, and you know it will, the memories of these sweet days will help you to deal. I will keep you both in my prayers, though.

jcat said...

I know the feeling. You can't undo what's happened though. You love him and you know you are going to lose him sooner than you should. But in the long run the old quote about it being better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at really is true.

In the end you will be a richer person for having loved him. All you can do is take as much of the good now as you both can.

I really admire you immensely - I come read your blog often.