Pity Party

July 31 was my mom's birthday. We had a barbeque in the park. A couple of families that we're friends with joined us and we all had a great time. Because Donny has pneumonia again he wasn't able to join us. The heat was just too intense for him to spend that much time outside. It was nice for me because I was able to relax and enjoy things more without him there.

I've been finding it true a lot lately that I'm more relaxed and enjoy myself more when Donny's not with me. I feel guilty because I shouldn't be that way with my husband. In fact, because he's so ill I should be treasuring every moment that I have with him, but I don't. In fact, I sometimes dread the time that we spend together. I look for excuses to not be with him.

The hardest part is that I don't like being with him because he's not the man that I married. Gone is the loving husband who did his best to put me first. Gone is the man that I could spend hours talking to without running out of anything to say. Gone is my confidant who never judged me, no matter what I told him. Now I have a selfish, hateful man living with me. If I'm not careful about what I tell him he'll use what I say to put me down. My needs are no longer a priority, his needs and wants always come first. If I don't watch my step he'll tell me what an awful wife I am.

The worst part is that I'm starting to believe him.