Sunday, February 08, 2009


Death sucks.

I'm still having a hard time grieving for Donny. I don't know how to grieve. I don't know what it looks like. So instead I stay busy. If I stay busy enough for long enough maybe I'll get through the grieving process without realizing it. Somehow I think that won't work.

I'm working six days a week right now, and at least three of them are twelve or more hours each day. This week I have four twelve hour days. And that's scheduled hours. Quite often I'm staying an extra hour or so each day. It's been crazy, and so I'm exhausted. The good thing about a schedule like that is that I don't have time to notice the void in my life that Donny left behind.

Right after Donny passed away I would go out and sit in his chair and have a cigarette with him. It was very comforting to me, and it helped a lot. But one of the women that I work with decided that our office would go smokeless this year. She pestered me so much about it that I told her that I wouldn't buy any more cigarettes after the first of the year. And I haven't, yet. I haven't had one in about a month, but I want one so bad that I want to scream. I've gone through more gum in the last month than I normally would in a year. It doesn't help. I tried te patches, but the nicotene isn't my problem. Those cravings should be gone by now. It's an emotional thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm about ready to tell te woman that I work with what she can do with herself and go buy some damn cigarettes.

I'm about to begin rambling, and I'm exhausted. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's tax season. If you're looking for a tax preparer, or simply need questions answered, I'm checking my email all the time still.

1 comment:

mielikki said...

you are going to grieve in your own way, don't look for it to be something "textbook". Keep doing what your are doing, and, I am glad you are able to stay busy with tax season. The cig's may be an emotional thing, but it is so much better for you NOT to be smoking. Can you get one of those fake ones and see if that works?