Two years ago today my life turned upside down. I knew it was coming. I thought I was ready. And then reality smacked me upside the head.
I miss Donny as much now as I did then. I thought that time was supposed to heal that.
I read a quote somewhere about you don't know the depths of your love for someone until they're gone. It's true. I never realized just how much I loved him until I was without him.
How could I not have known that it would be like this? How could I have doubted the depth of what we had? Would I have done what I did for Donny for somebody that I wasn't head over heels for? Do any of these questions matter now?
I still regret the arguments. The time we lost being angry with one-another. The rational part of my brain knows that those are part of life, and that they needed to happen in some fashion so that we dealt with problems rather than letting them fester. But my heart just sees missed opportunities to be together.
But more than that, I regret the time I spent doing other stuff. How many evenings was I on the computer while he sat in his chair and watched TV. How hard would it have been to go sit by him? Hold his hand, let him know I was there, be with him. I don't get to do that now, and I miss it.
I miss coming home and telling him all about my day. I miss eating dinner with him. I miss having him wrap his arms around me and feeling like everything will be okay. I miss how he had to be touching me to go to sleep. I miss his teasing.
So badly I want him back. And that's not fair. He was in so much pain. His body was done living long before he let it die. I really think that at the end the only thing keeping him alive was his willpower and his desire to not leave me alone. But eventually his body couldn't keep going, no matter how much Donny wanted it to. To bring him back wouldn't be fair. He's not in pain anymore.
Right after Donny died one of his sisters had a dream where she saw Donny walking toward a baseball field. (That was his sport. He loved baseball and was a very good pitcher in his youth.) In her dream the closer Donny got to the field, the healthier he got, so that by the time he got there he was young and healthy again. Wearing denim shorts and a t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off. His favorite outfit. I love the image of him getting to play his favorite game as much as he wants. But more than that, I love the idea of him being healthy again, no longer in pain.
I try to be strong, I try to keep going. some days are easier than others. I know that Donny wanted me to keep going, to move on. I know this because he told me so. Before he died he used to talk about what he wanted me to do after he was gone. He told me I could take 2 weeks off, but then I had to "get up and put my feet on the floor." That was how he used to refer to the days when you simply kept putting one foot in front of the other just so that you don't lose ground. He actually tried to get me to promise to remarry. I pointed out that I couldn't guarantee that I would find love again. So we settled on me promising to not shut myself off to it.
And that's why I keep going. Because to do any less would be a disappointment to the man who still holds my heart.