Yesterday was mine and Donny's fourth anniversary. In some ways it seems like the time has flown by, and in others it seems like we've lived a few lifetimes in that time. So much has happened in our lives that it doesn't seem possible that we've fit it all into four years.
A few months before we got married Donny was at the doctor to get the results from some tests. The doctor had said that he thought that Donny might have testicular cancer, so we were rather worried. The doctor came in and let us know that there was no sign of cancer, but the news wasn't good. That's when we were told that Donny had cirrhosis of the liver. The doctor then asked us how long until the wedding. I told him a few months and he looked at me and said, "You'll have a very short marriage." I don't think that he thought we would make it this far.
The road has been very rough, and there were times that I thought we wouldn't make it, but the journey is worth it. Donny's a pain and hard to live with. He's also the most giving person that I've ever met. And you couldn't ask for a more loving husband. He has an odd sense of humor, but he loves to laugh. And if you want to tug on his heartstrings just mention a child or a senior citizen. He would rather go without his mostg basic needs than see a child in want. He has got the biggest heart that I've ever seen.
That's why this disease is so hard. My husband is turning into a grinch. He sees less and less of the heartache, and the joy, in the world. He's become self-centered. He's downright mean at times. He pushes kids away and does his best to cut himself off from the world. A man who once was the male version of a social butterfly now avoids going into public because he doesn't want to talk to people. Even on a good day he doesn't want to sit around and shoot the shit with his buddies anymore. He just doesn't have the energy or the drive. This disease is taking my husband and leaving me with a stranger.
I often wonder if the doctor's understand what this is like for the families. Do they know the tightrope that we walk trying to carry out their orders? Donny is having visual hallucinations all the time now. (That, or he really does see ghosts.) His mind is clear otherwise and he takes his medicine like he's supposed to so I don't bother going to the doctor about it. What would he do? What could he do? I'm constantly on the edge trying to keep an eye on Donny and live my life. Do the doctors know what it's like when the patient goes home with you? I would ask if they care, but I know that my doctor does. I just think that he doesn't have a clue.
Donny needs me 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He needs somebody by his side monitoring his medicine. Not only do you have to make sure that he takes it, but you have to make sure that he doesn't take too much. And if anybody has stray pills laying around he'll take them to see if they help. He's a grown man and wants to be treated as such, but he often requires the same care that you would provide for a toddler, including picking him up when he falls.
I love my husband dearly, I just want him back.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
My Mother-In-Law
I'm worried about my mother-in-law. Her mind has been slipping, but we've all shrugged it off as a sign of her age. She's in her late 80's, she had to start repeating her stories at some point. And the fact that she claims to have done just about every job imaginable seems harmless enough. It may be highly annoying to sit and listen to stories that you know aren't true, but we love her so we listen. All of that is stuff that's part of aging and something that we can deal with.
We've even learned to deal witgh the fact that mom is a bit of a hypochondriac. She's actually very healthy for her age. She has to take medicine for her blood pressure and her cholesterol, but in your late 80's that's pretty darn good. Her legs aren't quite as steady as they once were, so she needs to usa a cane when she walks. Still pretty good. She tires easier than she did when she was young, and she just doesn't have it in her to do as much as she once did, but still, for her age that seems pretty good to me. And yet she insists that there's medical problems that don't exist. She'll swear up and down that she had a stroke about 7 or 8 years ago, but it's not in her medical records. She says that she has heart problems, but the cardiologist can't find anything wrong. But all of this we can set aside as the behavior of an old lady who longs to be with her husband.
What I can't set aside is what my sister-in-law told me two weeks ago. Mom lives with her and we had gone to visit with gthem for the day. My sister-in-law and I got a chance to talk on our own and shye was venting some of her frustrations about living with her mother-in-law. (Randy and Terry inherited mom when Bobby, the oldest son, passed away. When Randy passed away mom continued to live with Terry.) Apparently mom has started to become mean, especially towards Nicki (Terry and Randy's daughter). I know of one time that mom yelled at Nicki for being mean to her dad before he died. Even if it were true, which it's not, that's not something that you say to a teenage girl who is devastated by the loss of her father. Terry told me that there have been several more episodes of mom verbally attacking Nicki. This is not at all acceptable as a livingt situation for my niece.
All of that is not what worries me the most though. Terry told me that although mom straightens and dusts her own room, Terry likes to go in and do a deeper cleaning every now and then. The last time that Terry did this she was working on the floors in the closet when she noticed a cardboard tube in the corner. When she went to move the tube it was wet, so she decided to look inside of it. That's when she realized that mom hadd been using the tube as a toilet. Terry discarded the tube and cleaned the carpet, then she put down some absorbent pads so that if mom had problems and needed to use that area it wouldn't get into the carpet. Terry also put absorbent pads under the throw rugs next to the bed in case of an accident. Then she decided to take the bedskirt off and launder it to get rid of dust. When she went to remove it where it was up against the night stand at the head of the bed she found that the bedskirt and the side of the nightstand were covered in feces. After cleaning that mess she put the room back together and made it obvious that she'd been in there hoping that mom would come talk to her about what she'd found, it didn't happen. Terry started checking the pads daily, but there was never a mess on them. However, mom has replaced the cardboard tube with a plastic one and continues to use it nightly. Terry knows this because she can hear mom empty it in the mornings, and has even peeked out her bedroom door a couple times to see mom carry it in there.
When mom moved in with Randy and Terry they put her in the room closest to the bathroom to trfy and make nighttime easier on her, it's less than 10 feet from her bedroom door to the bathroom door. If that's too much for her then Terry is willing to put a bedside potty chair in mom's room. The only problem is that she doesn't know how to approach mom about it without making her feel bad. I know my mother-in-law well enough to know that pride would stop her from admitting to needing it, and asking her about could actually make the problem worse. But in the meantime this is becomiong more of a problem than I feel it's righht to ask Terry to take on. I suggested that she talk to mom's doctor about it and see if there's something that he could suggest. I also told her that she should ask about getting mom tested for demetia, because it sure sounds to me like there might be a real medical problem under all of this. For Terry's sake I hope that she follows through with the doctor, that way we can come up with a plan for how to take care of mom without putting it all on Terry.
We've even learned to deal witgh the fact that mom is a bit of a hypochondriac. She's actually very healthy for her age. She has to take medicine for her blood pressure and her cholesterol, but in your late 80's that's pretty darn good. Her legs aren't quite as steady as they once were, so she needs to usa a cane when she walks. Still pretty good. She tires easier than she did when she was young, and she just doesn't have it in her to do as much as she once did, but still, for her age that seems pretty good to me. And yet she insists that there's medical problems that don't exist. She'll swear up and down that she had a stroke about 7 or 8 years ago, but it's not in her medical records. She says that she has heart problems, but the cardiologist can't find anything wrong. But all of this we can set aside as the behavior of an old lady who longs to be with her husband.
What I can't set aside is what my sister-in-law told me two weeks ago. Mom lives with her and we had gone to visit with gthem for the day. My sister-in-law and I got a chance to talk on our own and shye was venting some of her frustrations about living with her mother-in-law. (Randy and Terry inherited mom when Bobby, the oldest son, passed away. When Randy passed away mom continued to live with Terry.) Apparently mom has started to become mean, especially towards Nicki (Terry and Randy's daughter). I know of one time that mom yelled at Nicki for being mean to her dad before he died. Even if it were true, which it's not, that's not something that you say to a teenage girl who is devastated by the loss of her father. Terry told me that there have been several more episodes of mom verbally attacking Nicki. This is not at all acceptable as a livingt situation for my niece.
All of that is not what worries me the most though. Terry told me that although mom straightens and dusts her own room, Terry likes to go in and do a deeper cleaning every now and then. The last time that Terry did this she was working on the floors in the closet when she noticed a cardboard tube in the corner. When she went to move the tube it was wet, so she decided to look inside of it. That's when she realized that mom hadd been using the tube as a toilet. Terry discarded the tube and cleaned the carpet, then she put down some absorbent pads so that if mom had problems and needed to use that area it wouldn't get into the carpet. Terry also put absorbent pads under the throw rugs next to the bed in case of an accident. Then she decided to take the bedskirt off and launder it to get rid of dust. When she went to remove it where it was up against the night stand at the head of the bed she found that the bedskirt and the side of the nightstand were covered in feces. After cleaning that mess she put the room back together and made it obvious that she'd been in there hoping that mom would come talk to her about what she'd found, it didn't happen. Terry started checking the pads daily, but there was never a mess on them. However, mom has replaced the cardboard tube with a plastic one and continues to use it nightly. Terry knows this because she can hear mom empty it in the mornings, and has even peeked out her bedroom door a couple times to see mom carry it in there.
When mom moved in with Randy and Terry they put her in the room closest to the bathroom to trfy and make nighttime easier on her, it's less than 10 feet from her bedroom door to the bathroom door. If that's too much for her then Terry is willing to put a bedside potty chair in mom's room. The only problem is that she doesn't know how to approach mom about it without making her feel bad. I know my mother-in-law well enough to know that pride would stop her from admitting to needing it, and asking her about could actually make the problem worse. But in the meantime this is becomiong more of a problem than I feel it's righht to ask Terry to take on. I suggested that she talk to mom's doctor about it and see if there's something that he could suggest. I also told her that she should ask about getting mom tested for demetia, because it sure sounds to me like there might be a real medical problem under all of this. For Terry's sake I hope that she follows through with the doctor, that way we can come up with a plan for how to take care of mom without putting it all on Terry.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Vacation
Donny and I just got home from spending a couple days on the coast. We didn't do anything overly exciting, in fact, we slept the first day away. We saw some pretty scenery, went to a gorgeous park, and basked in the lack of anything to do. He had my undivided attention, so Donny was happy. I had no errands to run, no places to go, no people to see. It was wonderful!
Donny did decide that I had finally gone over the edge though. The first place we went (besides the motel) was to our favorite beach. We parked in the parking lot and I got out to take pictures. (Donny didn't feel well so he rarely got out of the car at our stops.) Donny noticed a little plastic man that a child had set on a log and then left behind and he insisted that tghe little man should go with us, so he did. I have photographic evidence that he went with us. My loving husband thinks that it's certyifiably insane to take pictures of a little plastic man everywhere you go. If I remember I'll post some of them later.
Overall it was a fun trip and I'm glad we went. When we got home we found out that the AC went out today and the repairman can't get here until Tuesday. It's 10:30 at night and I'm sitting here with a fan blowing dirfectly on me, the window open, drinking a huge glass of icewater. It's almost bearable. And last night we had to run the heater. I wish I was back on the coast.
Donny did decide that I had finally gone over the edge though. The first place we went (besides the motel) was to our favorite beach. We parked in the parking lot and I got out to take pictures. (Donny didn't feel well so he rarely got out of the car at our stops.) Donny noticed a little plastic man that a child had set on a log and then left behind and he insisted that tghe little man should go with us, so he did. I have photographic evidence that he went with us. My loving husband thinks that it's certyifiably insane to take pictures of a little plastic man everywhere you go. If I remember I'll post some of them later.
Overall it was a fun trip and I'm glad we went. When we got home we found out that the AC went out today and the repairman can't get here until Tuesday. It's 10:30 at night and I'm sitting here with a fan blowing dirfectly on me, the window open, drinking a huge glass of icewater. It's almost bearable. And last night we had to run the heater. I wish I was back on the coast.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Small Town Life
There are a lot of reasons that I love living in a small town. Tonight was just further proof of why it's so great. My parents went to dinner at our local Thai restaraunt. The food is great and the owners are really sweet people, so we eat there quite a bit. My mom was unable to finish her food so she asked for a container to take it home in. After they left the restaraunt they went to a friend's house for a couple of hours. On their way home my mom realized that she had forgotten her leftovers at the restaraunt. Since the restaraunt was closed already there was no way to go back and try to get them, even if they wanted to. When they got home they were surprised to find that my mom's leftovers had arrived before them. My parents payed with a credit card, so the owners had their name. They then looked the number up and called to get the address. Once my uncle gave them the address they had their busboy/dishwasher run the food over to our house. How many places offer that kind of service?
The other benefits of small town life include being able to shop with my mom's credit card (since it's known that she regularly has me run errands for her). If I'm a little short when I go to pay for my purchase at the liquor store the owner will tell me to just give it to him next time. Last year the post office delivered a birthday card that just had my name and the city that I live in on the front, no street address. But my favorite part is the fact that I'm forever running in to people that I know when I'm out and about. I love that smile and quick chat inbetween errands, it really brightens the day.
The other benefits of small town life include being able to shop with my mom's credit card (since it's known that she regularly has me run errands for her). If I'm a little short when I go to pay for my purchase at the liquor store the owner will tell me to just give it to him next time. Last year the post office delivered a birthday card that just had my name and the city that I live in on the front, no street address. But my favorite part is the fact that I'm forever running in to people that I know when I'm out and about. I love that smile and quick chat inbetween errands, it really brightens the day.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Craziness
This last weekend has been crazy. On Thursday night we had dinner with a guest from Washington (state). That same day Donny's friend who lives in Nevada arrived. On Friday my daad's friend from Montana got into town. Thankfully, most of the visiting friends didn't expect to stay with us. If they had we would have had to start assigning sections of floor to people.
So the schedule went something like this: On Thursday we spent the day getting the house ready for company. When Donny's friend arrived they went to another friend's house to hang out. That evening Doug and his girlfriend (the one from Washington) cooked a really good dinner for us. I had just finished eating and was enjoying visiting with Gracie when Donny called and asked me to come get him. I went over there and about an hour and a half later I convinced Donny that we should go home. By the time we got there Doug and Gracie had left. Of course, since Donny was hanging out with his drinking buddies he was rather drunk. A little after midnight I got him settled, and somewhere around 1:00 a.m. I got to bed.
Around 5:00 a.m. on Friday morning Donny woke me up to complain about how I don't do enough to take care of him. I was PISSED. This was not a good start to my day. I got Donny going and finally got him over to visit with his friends so that I was able to start my day. I ran to the grocery store because my mom had reminded me that I was to be in a chili cook off the next day. I got home and got my chili going, and then did some last minute stuff to the house to prepare for my dad's friends visiting. Of course this was all between Donny's calls to complain that I wasn't doing enough to take care of him. That afternoon I wrapped our gift for his friend's son who was graduating that evening, and I had the distinct pleasure of trying to figure out how to wrap the sword that our other friend was giving him. I went to pick Donny up to come home and get ready for graduation, only to find that he was in no shape to go. So I got myself ready and went alone. As I was leaving graduation tghe boy's mom told me that there was to be cake at her house in his honor and they'd like for me to be there. That was when I realized that I hadn't had time to eat all day. So after I grabbed a quick burger I went and had cake and then came home. By then Donny was up and wanting my attention. Somewhere around midnight I got him settled and went to bed.
Saturday morning I was up bright and early yet agaqin, but this time Donny was in a good mood. We went and grabbed some donuts and then went to his friend's house for a visit. I sat with them for a little while, but then I had to go to work and finish up the stuff that I was supposed to have finished the day before. That afternoon was the chili cook off. When I was ready to go I went to give Donny a kiss goodbye and found him lying on the floor. He had fallen, but he didn't seem to be hurt. I got him up and settled and then I took off. At the chili cook off I took second in the category of hotness and first in taste. Afterwards I came home and spent what was left of the evening trrying to pacify Donny.
Sunday I was finally able to relax. I went to church and then we went to visit my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. I enjoy our time there so much, I really love going to visit. Because it's Donny's family I don't feel the need to act as a buffer between him and everybody else. I get to relax and enjoy visiting and I let his family deal with who he is. It's the most relaxing time that I have anymore.
That's my weekend in review, how was yours?
So the schedule went something like this: On Thursday we spent the day getting the house ready for company. When Donny's friend arrived they went to another friend's house to hang out. That evening Doug and his girlfriend (the one from Washington) cooked a really good dinner for us. I had just finished eating and was enjoying visiting with Gracie when Donny called and asked me to come get him. I went over there and about an hour and a half later I convinced Donny that we should go home. By the time we got there Doug and Gracie had left. Of course, since Donny was hanging out with his drinking buddies he was rather drunk. A little after midnight I got him settled, and somewhere around 1:00 a.m. I got to bed.
Around 5:00 a.m. on Friday morning Donny woke me up to complain about how I don't do enough to take care of him. I was PISSED. This was not a good start to my day. I got Donny going and finally got him over to visit with his friends so that I was able to start my day. I ran to the grocery store because my mom had reminded me that I was to be in a chili cook off the next day. I got home and got my chili going, and then did some last minute stuff to the house to prepare for my dad's friends visiting. Of course this was all between Donny's calls to complain that I wasn't doing enough to take care of him. That afternoon I wrapped our gift for his friend's son who was graduating that evening, and I had the distinct pleasure of trying to figure out how to wrap the sword that our other friend was giving him. I went to pick Donny up to come home and get ready for graduation, only to find that he was in no shape to go. So I got myself ready and went alone. As I was leaving graduation tghe boy's mom told me that there was to be cake at her house in his honor and they'd like for me to be there. That was when I realized that I hadn't had time to eat all day. So after I grabbed a quick burger I went and had cake and then came home. By then Donny was up and wanting my attention. Somewhere around midnight I got him settled and went to bed.
Saturday morning I was up bright and early yet agaqin, but this time Donny was in a good mood. We went and grabbed some donuts and then went to his friend's house for a visit. I sat with them for a little while, but then I had to go to work and finish up the stuff that I was supposed to have finished the day before. That afternoon was the chili cook off. When I was ready to go I went to give Donny a kiss goodbye and found him lying on the floor. He had fallen, but he didn't seem to be hurt. I got him up and settled and then I took off. At the chili cook off I took second in the category of hotness and first in taste. Afterwards I came home and spent what was left of the evening trrying to pacify Donny.
Sunday I was finally able to relax. I went to church and then we went to visit my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. I enjoy our time there so much, I really love going to visit. Because it's Donny's family I don't feel the need to act as a buffer between him and everybody else. I get to relax and enjoy visiting and I let his family deal with who he is. It's the most relaxing time that I have anymore.
That's my weekend in review, how was yours?
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Vacation Plans
I need a little help here. Next month Donny and I are supposed to drive up to Lake Tahoe, spend the night, and then go on to Carson City. We're currently debating what route to take. We're looking at 80, 50, or 88. We're more interested in scenery and stuff to do on the way than we are in making good time. If anybody out there knows any of these routes I'd appreciate a little inside info.
This is not necessarily a trip that I'm looking forward to, but Donny has been begging to go for a long time. And his best friend, whom we're going to visit with, has offered to pay for our trip. He's even giving us a night in Tahoe to ourselves as an anniversary present. I had to agree to the trip sometime.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I'm still alive
I just realized how long it's been since I posted. There were computer problems, which got followed up by husband problems. I've also been working hard at not whining about life so much. Everyone has problems and I need to learn to deal with mine.
I wish that I could write that Donny's doing well, but this is the one place where I try to force myself to be honest. This last week has been really hard. As his mind goes he becomes more and more hostile. He yells at me a lot and spends a lot of time telling me how bad of a job I do with taking care of him. I know in my head that it's the disease talking, but my heart still takes it hard.
It's worse because angry at him for being an ass, and then I feel guilty for getting angry at him. And there's always that part of me that says to just shut up and take it because he's sick and doesn't have a lot of time left. Talk about conflicting emotions.
The part of me that I try to deny exists wants to know just how much longer this is going to take. When things are really bad and he's yelling at me I find myself wishing for a guide that tells me how long this will last. Is this just a phase and things will improve again? From what I've read I think that it's just going to get worse. And how much worse will it get? Will he become physically abusive? And if a disease causes your husband to be abusive how much should you put up with? I normally have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to abuse, but what about when it's caused by a disease?
As I was writing this just now Donny woke up and came to get me. He's recently developed a problem with wetting the bed and I needed to change the bed again. Fortunately I have a lot of sheets and blankets. This time my sheets didn't even have a chance to get dirty from being slept on. I guess this means that I need to go get a plastic cover for the bed this week.
These are some of the issues that I'm wrestling with right now. My head is not a fun place to be. On top of everything that's going on with Donny there are always family problems as well. My mom's going through a tough time right now. I suspect that a new memory is about to surface and she could really benefit from some loving support from her daughter.
My sister, who lives in Arkansas, is getting a divorce. There's a part of me that wants to say it's about time, but she doesn't need to hear it. We've all seen this coming for a while now, but they did last longer than we thought they would. Her and her husband have been separated for a little while now, which is why I wasn't surprised to hear that she's already got the next husband picked out. My mom said that from what my sister says he sounds like a really nice guy, but I haven't talked to her about any of this yet. I know she could use a call from her sister, but I just don't have it in m e right now.
Right now my heart is breaking for my niece. She's really going through a tough time, and there's nothing that I can do to fix it. She's 18 and getting ready to graduate high school. We also recently found out that when she was 14 she was raped. Her attacker told her that if she told anyone he would kill her and her family, so she kept it a secret. She was only a 14 year old kid, but she had the presence of mind to take the city bus to a clinic and get a pregnancy test and tested for STDs. She even had follow up testing done. All of this only came out because her mom found out that she was behaving a little too wildly. My sister-in-law wrote my niece this long letter about how disappointed she was and how if her dad was still alive he'd be really disappointed too. (He died of cancer about a year and a half ago, when my niece was 16.) My niece wrote back to her mom and let her know what was going on. Because this niece is from Donny's side of the family I haven't known her long, which makes it hard for me to know how to help her. I really love her and I'm very worried about her. I just don't know what to do to help her. Please pray for her, it's all I know to do.
Okay, I think that just about covers all the garbage running through my mind right now. It's amazing how helpful it is to just write it all down.
I wish that I could write that Donny's doing well, but this is the one place where I try to force myself to be honest. This last week has been really hard. As his mind goes he becomes more and more hostile. He yells at me a lot and spends a lot of time telling me how bad of a job I do with taking care of him. I know in my head that it's the disease talking, but my heart still takes it hard.
It's worse because angry at him for being an ass, and then I feel guilty for getting angry at him. And there's always that part of me that says to just shut up and take it because he's sick and doesn't have a lot of time left. Talk about conflicting emotions.
The part of me that I try to deny exists wants to know just how much longer this is going to take. When things are really bad and he's yelling at me I find myself wishing for a guide that tells me how long this will last. Is this just a phase and things will improve again? From what I've read I think that it's just going to get worse. And how much worse will it get? Will he become physically abusive? And if a disease causes your husband to be abusive how much should you put up with? I normally have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to abuse, but what about when it's caused by a disease?
As I was writing this just now Donny woke up and came to get me. He's recently developed a problem with wetting the bed and I needed to change the bed again. Fortunately I have a lot of sheets and blankets. This time my sheets didn't even have a chance to get dirty from being slept on. I guess this means that I need to go get a plastic cover for the bed this week.
These are some of the issues that I'm wrestling with right now. My head is not a fun place to be. On top of everything that's going on with Donny there are always family problems as well. My mom's going through a tough time right now. I suspect that a new memory is about to surface and she could really benefit from some loving support from her daughter.
My sister, who lives in Arkansas, is getting a divorce. There's a part of me that wants to say it's about time, but she doesn't need to hear it. We've all seen this coming for a while now, but they did last longer than we thought they would. Her and her husband have been separated for a little while now, which is why I wasn't surprised to hear that she's already got the next husband picked out. My mom said that from what my sister says he sounds like a really nice guy, but I haven't talked to her about any of this yet. I know she could use a call from her sister, but I just don't have it in m e right now.
Right now my heart is breaking for my niece. She's really going through a tough time, and there's nothing that I can do to fix it. She's 18 and getting ready to graduate high school. We also recently found out that when she was 14 she was raped. Her attacker told her that if she told anyone he would kill her and her family, so she kept it a secret. She was only a 14 year old kid, but she had the presence of mind to take the city bus to a clinic and get a pregnancy test and tested for STDs. She even had follow up testing done. All of this only came out because her mom found out that she was behaving a little too wildly. My sister-in-law wrote my niece this long letter about how disappointed she was and how if her dad was still alive he'd be really disappointed too. (He died of cancer about a year and a half ago, when my niece was 16.) My niece wrote back to her mom and let her know what was going on. Because this niece is from Donny's side of the family I haven't known her long, which makes it hard for me to know how to help her. I really love her and I'm very worried about her. I just don't know what to do to help her. Please pray for her, it's all I know to do.
Okay, I think that just about covers all the garbage running through my mind right now. It's amazing how helpful it is to just write it all down.
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