I'm turning thirty in a couple days. I'm no where near where I thought I'd be by now. Sometimes life sucks.
As I've contemplated my life I've found the truth in some advice given to me. A good friend of mine told me not to get married until I turned 30. She said that women really don't come into their own until around there, and so they shouldn't make major decisions like that until then. She told me that your twenties are for screwing up and discovering yourself. It's not until your thirties that you grow up.
At the time that my friend told me this I smiled, nodded, and thought about what a bunch of baloney it was. I was 26 or 27 and thought that I was fairly grown up, and perfectly capable of making decisions. I guess I was just fooling myself.
I've discovered that my attitude is changing. I don't want to take care of everybody under the sun. I want the people in my life to act like the adults that they're supposed to be and care for themselves. I'm not talking about if you've got the flu, you're on your own. I'm talking about day to day life.
If I dropped off the face of the earth, how would you function? Who would run and fetch for you? Make your calls? Prepare your food? Renew your insurance? Do your shopping? Whoever it is, they can do it now. I just want to only be responsible for myself. I don't have kids, so why am I caring for somebody as if I were their mother? I'm done, I quit.
And this is why I should have waited to marry. It would have changed what I was looking for in a husband, and so it would have changed our marriage. If we weren't married then it would be easier to change the rules of the relationship. So if you're not yet thirty, don't marry yet, there's still time. And if you're not yet thirty and you're already married, then I hope that you two are like my parents and so happy with your choice that you're able to weather life's problems together.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Phones
There is a lady in my parents church who is addicted to the phone. She's been known to call us 8 - 10 times a day. And she calls for no reason. A typical call with her lasts approximately 15 seconds. Just long enough to say hello, ascertain that there's no reason for the call, and say goodbye. This gets really annoying really fast. We finally had to ask her not to call.
She called this morning. She wanted El Slurpo's phone number. I really don't like him, so I gave her his number. I'm wondering how many times she'll call him before he tells her not to call. I'm also wondering how long it'll be before I get fussed at for giving her his number. It is worth it though.
She called this morning. She wanted El Slurpo's phone number. I really don't like him, so I gave her his number. I'm wondering how many times she'll call him before he tells her not to call. I'm also wondering how long it'll be before I get fussed at for giving her his number. It is worth it though.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Handle Your Scandal
This was the topic of a post on a forum that I belong to and it got me to thinking. I have quite a few people in my life who I wish that I could say this to.
For the person who wants to tell me all about her open marriage, I don't want details! I really don't need to know the list of who you're sleeping with. And I definitely don't need to hear about how many are in the bed at once. If you're happy with your lifestyle, then I'm happy for you, but please, deal with it on your own.
For the person who "needs a sounding board," I don't want to hear it! I realize that you think it's shocking when you tell me about somebody's open marriage and their behavior since that decision was made, but I already know. And here's the real kicker, I don't want to know! And I know that you think I need to know all about your suspicions of drug use, but really, I don't. And I know that you're fascinated by all the drama in everybody else's life, but that you're fascination, please leave me out of it.
And for the one who calls when you need money, I'm not a bank. When you point out that your household is bringing in at least ten times what I do, please don't call me to ask for a loan. (They're not extremely well off, I have an extremely low income.) If I had extra money don't you think I would have a better living situation? If I can make it work, then so can you. Don't buy that new car, or that $200 toy for your 4 year old daughter and then ask me for a loan. It ain't happening!
And for the teenage girl complaining about how guys look at you, stop putting yourself on display! If you look like you're advertising your wares then don't be surprised when that's how you're treated! Cover yourself up and maybe those guys would notice the color of your eyes.
I'm not perfect by any means and I don't want to come off as trying to say I am. If at any time you feel the need, then please feel free to tell me to handle my scandal.
For the person who wants to tell me all about her open marriage, I don't want details! I really don't need to know the list of who you're sleeping with. And I definitely don't need to hear about how many are in the bed at once. If you're happy with your lifestyle, then I'm happy for you, but please, deal with it on your own.
For the person who "needs a sounding board," I don't want to hear it! I realize that you think it's shocking when you tell me about somebody's open marriage and their behavior since that decision was made, but I already know. And here's the real kicker, I don't want to know! And I know that you think I need to know all about your suspicions of drug use, but really, I don't. And I know that you're fascinated by all the drama in everybody else's life, but that you're fascination, please leave me out of it.
And for the one who calls when you need money, I'm not a bank. When you point out that your household is bringing in at least ten times what I do, please don't call me to ask for a loan. (They're not extremely well off, I have an extremely low income.) If I had extra money don't you think I would have a better living situation? If I can make it work, then so can you. Don't buy that new car, or that $200 toy for your 4 year old daughter and then ask me for a loan. It ain't happening!
And for the teenage girl complaining about how guys look at you, stop putting yourself on display! If you look like you're advertising your wares then don't be surprised when that's how you're treated! Cover yourself up and maybe those guys would notice the color of your eyes.
I'm not perfect by any means and I don't want to come off as trying to say I am. If at any time you feel the need, then please feel free to tell me to handle my scandal.
Time
As I was driving to the doctor today I started thinking about time management. Every day I have a list of things that I need to do, and I try to schedule my time so that they all get done. Sometimes this approach doesn't work. Most of the time I end up pissing my husband off.
If I know how long a certain activity will take then I have no problems deciding to start it in three hours. in the meantime I may choose to do something that's purely for recreation or relaxation. This doesn't mean that I've forgotten what I need to do, just that, for reasons that might only be known to me, I'm putting it off.
The biggest reason that this approach will fail is unexpected requests. I almost had this happen today. I had a doctor's appointment at 2:00, that meant that I needed to leave the house by 1:00. At 12:45 I was just finishing dinner and still needed to change my shirt, put myself together, and get out the door. That's when my mom decided to let me know that she needed me to fix her some lunch. I had 15 minutes worth of stuff to do, and now I needed to add in something that could take a while. Fortunately she realized my time constraints and asked for a PBJ. I managed to get out of here on time, but barely.
I think that I'm more likely to get frustrated by that kind of thing because of my husband. He used to wait until 10 minutes before I needed to leave for work to let me know that he needed me to take him to the store before I left for the day. It took a little while, but I convinced him that it was in his best interest to let me know the night before that he needed something so that I could add it to my schedule for a time that was convenient for me.
He still gets upset with me if I don't do things on his schedule, and I still let him know what he can do with his schedule, but I don't get as upset about it now. And so we've both learned that one person's time management can sometimes be a family project.
If I know how long a certain activity will take then I have no problems deciding to start it in three hours. in the meantime I may choose to do something that's purely for recreation or relaxation. This doesn't mean that I've forgotten what I need to do, just that, for reasons that might only be known to me, I'm putting it off.
The biggest reason that this approach will fail is unexpected requests. I almost had this happen today. I had a doctor's appointment at 2:00, that meant that I needed to leave the house by 1:00. At 12:45 I was just finishing dinner and still needed to change my shirt, put myself together, and get out the door. That's when my mom decided to let me know that she needed me to fix her some lunch. I had 15 minutes worth of stuff to do, and now I needed to add in something that could take a while. Fortunately she realized my time constraints and asked for a PBJ. I managed to get out of here on time, but barely.
I think that I'm more likely to get frustrated by that kind of thing because of my husband. He used to wait until 10 minutes before I needed to leave for work to let me know that he needed me to take him to the store before I left for the day. It took a little while, but I convinced him that it was in his best interest to let me know the night before that he needed something so that I could add it to my schedule for a time that was convenient for me.
He still gets upset with me if I don't do things on his schedule, and I still let him know what he can do with his schedule, but I don't get as upset about it now. And so we've both learned that one person's time management can sometimes be a family project.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Strays
I was talking with my great-aunt today and realized something. My family collects strays. For some families that would mean stray dogs, others it would be cats, with my family it's people.
When I was elementary school age we would visit my grandparents during the summer. (They lived in California, we were in Alaska.) Visiting them was especially wonderful because of how many people lived there.
My grandparents had a three bedroom house with a mother-in-law cottage on the property. Grandma and Grandpa had one room. Uncle Kenny, Aunt Irene, and their three boys had another room. Uncle Doug, Aunt Dana, and their two boys had the third bedroom. In the mother-in-law cottage was Uncle Victor, Aunt Carol, and their son and daughter.
During the day my Aunt Carol would babysit my Aunt Sharon's two boys. When you include my sister and I the child count was eleven. And then the neighbor kids that we were friends with would come over. Quite often the child count was over twenty, and we were all treated the same way, no matter who we belonged to.
During the day we would run in and out of the house, watching cartoons, getting a snack, going potty, whatever. And our friends would run in and out of the house with as much freedom as we did. I swear my grandparents needed a revolving door.
One day one of the kids that wasn't related to us fell down and got hurt. He was crying pretty hard so the adults thought that one of them should take him home and explain what happened to his parents. The only problem was that the little boy was crying too hard to say where he lived. The adults figured that they would find out who he was friends with and get them to point the way to his house. That's when we discovered that nobody knew him.
Apparently he had seen a large group of kids and figured it would be fun to join them. He had been hanging out at my grandparents house for a couple of weeks before it was discovered that we didn't know him.
That event almost seems normal to me. I grew up used to the idea that everybody is to be made welcome with the same warmth that you would welcome family. This includes the family members that you don't necessarily care for. That kind of attitude can lead to a collection of strays.
When I was little my parents were foster parents for a while. Now don't get me wrong, I don't consider my foster siblings to be strays, I just think that having them around got me adjusted to the idea of opening your house and your heart to strangers. I still miss and wonder about some of them, even if they were so young that they would have no memory of me.
As a teenager it was my friends who became the adopted strays. My family has always been very involved with each other and this drew my friends in. It was a novel idea to them that a family would sit down to dinner together, turn everything off, and talk about what's going on in their lives. We'd been doing this as long as I can remember and so I found their responses to be interesting.
When my sister's best friend didn't want to move to another state with her family my parents let her move in with us. (With her parents permission of course.) When some friends of mine were having problems at home they were welcome to use our house as a home away from home. I had friends who continued to come and visit my family even after I moved away.
Now as an adult I see my parents and my grandma take in whomever they find that needs a place to stay for a little while. They are careful about their own safety (strangers can't move in), but they can't keep a guest room empty for long. They collect stray people.
And there's one more reason that I feel blessed to have the family that I have.
When I was elementary school age we would visit my grandparents during the summer. (They lived in California, we were in Alaska.) Visiting them was especially wonderful because of how many people lived there.
My grandparents had a three bedroom house with a mother-in-law cottage on the property. Grandma and Grandpa had one room. Uncle Kenny, Aunt Irene, and their three boys had another room. Uncle Doug, Aunt Dana, and their two boys had the third bedroom. In the mother-in-law cottage was Uncle Victor, Aunt Carol, and their son and daughter.
During the day my Aunt Carol would babysit my Aunt Sharon's two boys. When you include my sister and I the child count was eleven. And then the neighbor kids that we were friends with would come over. Quite often the child count was over twenty, and we were all treated the same way, no matter who we belonged to.
During the day we would run in and out of the house, watching cartoons, getting a snack, going potty, whatever. And our friends would run in and out of the house with as much freedom as we did. I swear my grandparents needed a revolving door.
One day one of the kids that wasn't related to us fell down and got hurt. He was crying pretty hard so the adults thought that one of them should take him home and explain what happened to his parents. The only problem was that the little boy was crying too hard to say where he lived. The adults figured that they would find out who he was friends with and get them to point the way to his house. That's when we discovered that nobody knew him.
Apparently he had seen a large group of kids and figured it would be fun to join them. He had been hanging out at my grandparents house for a couple of weeks before it was discovered that we didn't know him.
That event almost seems normal to me. I grew up used to the idea that everybody is to be made welcome with the same warmth that you would welcome family. This includes the family members that you don't necessarily care for. That kind of attitude can lead to a collection of strays.
When I was little my parents were foster parents for a while. Now don't get me wrong, I don't consider my foster siblings to be strays, I just think that having them around got me adjusted to the idea of opening your house and your heart to strangers. I still miss and wonder about some of them, even if they were so young that they would have no memory of me.
As a teenager it was my friends who became the adopted strays. My family has always been very involved with each other and this drew my friends in. It was a novel idea to them that a family would sit down to dinner together, turn everything off, and talk about what's going on in their lives. We'd been doing this as long as I can remember and so I found their responses to be interesting.
When my sister's best friend didn't want to move to another state with her family my parents let her move in with us. (With her parents permission of course.) When some friends of mine were having problems at home they were welcome to use our house as a home away from home. I had friends who continued to come and visit my family even after I moved away.
Now as an adult I see my parents and my grandma take in whomever they find that needs a place to stay for a little while. They are careful about their own safety (strangers can't move in), but they can't keep a guest room empty for long. They collect stray people.
And there's one more reason that I feel blessed to have the family that I have.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Crises
Do you ever feel like life is one crisis after another? The other day I realized that I'd had way too many crises lately. When grandma going to the hospital in an ambulance no longer automatically gets top billing you know there's been too many crises. Now to be fair, there was nothing life threatening wrong with her, and there was nothing that we could do for her right at that moment. In fact, when we got to the hospital we still had to wait an hour before being allowed to see her. It just struck me after the fact that we really are having way too much going on if we're prioritizing the crises that way.
And what does it say about me that there are a few people who's medical history I can rattle off better than my own? I think that my grandmother's wishes for medical care are clearer in my mind than my own are. It's amazing the things that I learned about her by staying the night with her in the hospital.
I wonder if I could successfully make a career out of going to the doctor with people. While I find it absolutely natural that I would do this for my family, I started thinking career options when a friend asked this of me. He didn't really understand what the doctors were saying to him and so he wanted some help. He had me go in with him for the exam and then I asked questions. Once I understood what the doctor was saying then we were ready to go. He just needed help asking questions. I've found that to be the biggest problem people have with their doctors.
I could offer a service that included holding your hand for the scary parts with helping you understand what's going on. I could meet with the patient ahead of time to be sure that I understood what they were needing, and then attend the appointment with them. I could even offer a service where I help explain what the doctor said to family members.
It would be difficult though, because I'd have to be very careful not to give my opinion at any time. I am not a trained medical professional, I just have a lot of experience at doctor's offices. Somehow I think that this would be a good way to get sued. Well, scrap that idea. I guess I'm back to just dealing with my family's crises.
And what does it say about me that there are a few people who's medical history I can rattle off better than my own? I think that my grandmother's wishes for medical care are clearer in my mind than my own are. It's amazing the things that I learned about her by staying the night with her in the hospital.
I wonder if I could successfully make a career out of going to the doctor with people. While I find it absolutely natural that I would do this for my family, I started thinking career options when a friend asked this of me. He didn't really understand what the doctors were saying to him and so he wanted some help. He had me go in with him for the exam and then I asked questions. Once I understood what the doctor was saying then we were ready to go. He just needed help asking questions. I've found that to be the biggest problem people have with their doctors.
I could offer a service that included holding your hand for the scary parts with helping you understand what's going on. I could meet with the patient ahead of time to be sure that I understood what they were needing, and then attend the appointment with them. I could even offer a service where I help explain what the doctor said to family members.
It would be difficult though, because I'd have to be very careful not to give my opinion at any time. I am not a trained medical professional, I just have a lot of experience at doctor's offices. Somehow I think that this would be a good way to get sued. Well, scrap that idea. I guess I'm back to just dealing with my family's crises.
Family
I talked to one of my aunts today. It's always great to get a reminder about how messed up my family is. I swear that we could provide Jerry Springer with shows for at least a year. And that's not going beyond those of us descended from my grandparents.
The aunt that I talked to isn't part of the messed up ones, although I suspect that life's not perfect for her. Then again, who is it perfect for? She asked me how some of my family is doing, and I honestly didn't know how to respond.
When you're family members are making lifestyle choices that you don't necessarily approve of, and you know they would shock the other person, what can you say? She wants to know how they're doing, but I have no info that should be passed on. When more than an assurance that everybody is well is wanted you really need a few details to give.
Several people in my generation are behaving in a way that would shock and/or upset my parents generation. But they think it's cool. Yes, I can see that you're happy with your life how it is. And I'm happy for you. But please give me news that I can pass on. When our whole conversation is stuff that you don't want repeated I'm stuck in the position of having to politely brush people off.
And if you're that happy in your new lifestyle, why can't everybody know? Do you not trust that the older generation will love and support you no matter what? Can you not see that I'm closer to them only because I'm honest about myself with them? They love me anyway, and it's not a matter of favoritism. In fact, the one that you say favors me has said outright that you are the favored one. In fact, although several in the older generation have admitted to having favorites, I was never named.
And while we're discussing this, please don't give me details. It's one thing to say what kinds of things you're in to. It's something else entirely to give me the personal details. Honestly, I don't want to know. When I said I didn't want to know I wasn't just making a token protest.
And if you're arguing with each other, please leave me out of it. Each one of you calls me to vent. Please don't do that. Do you have any idea how stuck in the middle of your drama I get? And then you want me to move closer? How would I ever escape the drama that way? My life has enough drama that I don't need to borrow yours.
Above all else, remember that I love you, all of you. Please keep in mind that the other people who are playing along in your drama fest are people that I also love. And just leave me out of it.
The aunt that I talked to isn't part of the messed up ones, although I suspect that life's not perfect for her. Then again, who is it perfect for? She asked me how some of my family is doing, and I honestly didn't know how to respond.
When you're family members are making lifestyle choices that you don't necessarily approve of, and you know they would shock the other person, what can you say? She wants to know how they're doing, but I have no info that should be passed on. When more than an assurance that everybody is well is wanted you really need a few details to give.
Several people in my generation are behaving in a way that would shock and/or upset my parents generation. But they think it's cool. Yes, I can see that you're happy with your life how it is. And I'm happy for you. But please give me news that I can pass on. When our whole conversation is stuff that you don't want repeated I'm stuck in the position of having to politely brush people off.
And if you're that happy in your new lifestyle, why can't everybody know? Do you not trust that the older generation will love and support you no matter what? Can you not see that I'm closer to them only because I'm honest about myself with them? They love me anyway, and it's not a matter of favoritism. In fact, the one that you say favors me has said outright that you are the favored one. In fact, although several in the older generation have admitted to having favorites, I was never named.
And while we're discussing this, please don't give me details. It's one thing to say what kinds of things you're in to. It's something else entirely to give me the personal details. Honestly, I don't want to know. When I said I didn't want to know I wasn't just making a token protest.
And if you're arguing with each other, please leave me out of it. Each one of you calls me to vent. Please don't do that. Do you have any idea how stuck in the middle of your drama I get? And then you want me to move closer? How would I ever escape the drama that way? My life has enough drama that I don't need to borrow yours.
Above all else, remember that I love you, all of you. Please keep in mind that the other people who are playing along in your drama fest are people that I also love. And just leave me out of it.
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