For just a few minutes I'm going to indulge my selfishness. I keep telliing everybody that I can't wish for Donny to come back because of the pain he was in. But damn it, I want him back! I miss him. And as long as wishes are being granted, I want him healthy.
By the time I met Donny he was already at the top of a very slippery slope healthwise. We didn't realize it then, but it was already the beginning of the end for him.
Donny was a painter for about 30 years. He loved painting. He loved to look at a house and see not what it already was, but what it could be. Repaints were his favorite. On new construction there usually wasn't much room for imagination, but when dealing directly with the homeowner there were tons of possibilities to be explored.
And if you wanted to know about colors, Donny was your man. He had a better eye for color than I did. Plus he could tell you what color would be murder to repaint when you got sick of it. He loved the whole process of painting, and was damn good at it.
One day Donny was painting the outside of a house that had that uneven brick finish around the bottom half of the walls. As he came running down a ladder he managed to slam his tailbone into a corner where some bricks were sticking out. It jarred his back and he was hurting so bad that he had to go home. When he was no better the next day he went to see a doctor. It was during the course of treatment for his back that he found out that he had degenerative disk disease in his back. A couple weeks later we met.
I can remeber when Donny was released to light duty at his old job, only to reinjure his back in less than a week's time. He never made it back to work.
We had been dating for a little while, and Donny was just starting to look into the possibilty of vocational rehabilitation when he fell and whacked his head one day. he hit the back of his head so hard that it gave him 2 black eyes. Shortly after the fall he started having what I later was told was absent seizures. Then as we were dealing with that we found out about his liver. (After that a doctor told us that Donny wasn't having seizures, but that his little "episodes" were caused by his ammonia levels.)
I never knew my husband at 100%, and I wish that I had. I've heard tons of stories about what he used to be like, but I don't have any actual memories from those times. I know that he loved to fish and hunt. And he played baseball. In fact, in his youth Donny pitched a fast ball that was clocked somewhere around 95 mph. I'm told that's rather impressive, but I know nothing about baseball other than the fact that I suck at it.
I want memories of my husband from when he was well. I want to be able to say that I saw him play ball at least once. i want to say that I ate a meal that he went out and killed for me. I want to know what it's like to go camping with him. But I'll never know these things, all because I met him a little too late.
I sit here crying and wishing him back, all because I want just a little more time with him. Maybe it's selfish of me to wish him back, but I do. I miss him so much.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Life
Death sucks.
I'm still having a hard time grieving for Donny. I don't know how to grieve. I don't know what it looks like. So instead I stay busy. If I stay busy enough for long enough maybe I'll get through the grieving process without realizing it. Somehow I think that won't work.
I'm working six days a week right now, and at least three of them are twelve or more hours each day. This week I have four twelve hour days. And that's scheduled hours. Quite often I'm staying an extra hour or so each day. It's been crazy, and so I'm exhausted. The good thing about a schedule like that is that I don't have time to notice the void in my life that Donny left behind.
Right after Donny passed away I would go out and sit in his chair and have a cigarette with him. It was very comforting to me, and it helped a lot. But one of the women that I work with decided that our office would go smokeless this year. She pestered me so much about it that I told her that I wouldn't buy any more cigarettes after the first of the year. And I haven't, yet. I haven't had one in about a month, but I want one so bad that I want to scream. I've gone through more gum in the last month than I normally would in a year. It doesn't help. I tried te patches, but the nicotene isn't my problem. Those cravings should be gone by now. It's an emotional thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm about ready to tell te woman that I work with what she can do with herself and go buy some damn cigarettes.
I'm about to begin rambling, and I'm exhausted. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's tax season. If you're looking for a tax preparer, or simply need questions answered, I'm checking my email all the time still.
I'm still having a hard time grieving for Donny. I don't know how to grieve. I don't know what it looks like. So instead I stay busy. If I stay busy enough for long enough maybe I'll get through the grieving process without realizing it. Somehow I think that won't work.
I'm working six days a week right now, and at least three of them are twelve or more hours each day. This week I have four twelve hour days. And that's scheduled hours. Quite often I'm staying an extra hour or so each day. It's been crazy, and so I'm exhausted. The good thing about a schedule like that is that I don't have time to notice the void in my life that Donny left behind.
Right after Donny passed away I would go out and sit in his chair and have a cigarette with him. It was very comforting to me, and it helped a lot. But one of the women that I work with decided that our office would go smokeless this year. She pestered me so much about it that I told her that I wouldn't buy any more cigarettes after the first of the year. And I haven't, yet. I haven't had one in about a month, but I want one so bad that I want to scream. I've gone through more gum in the last month than I normally would in a year. It doesn't help. I tried te patches, but the nicotene isn't my problem. Those cravings should be gone by now. It's an emotional thing, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm about ready to tell te woman that I work with what she can do with herself and go buy some damn cigarettes.
I'm about to begin rambling, and I'm exhausted. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's tax season. If you're looking for a tax preparer, or simply need questions answered, I'm checking my email all the time still.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Letter F
Mielikki had this meme up and it looked like a fun challenge, so I asked to play.
Here's the scoop. If you like the meme, and want to play, leave me a comment. I will assign you a letter of the alphabet, and then you will, at your own free will, list ten things you like that begin with that letter.
I, somehow, got the letter F.
So, in no particular order, 10 things I like that begin with the letter F.
1. Free stuff. Seriously, who doesn't like free stuff?
2. French bread, especially when it's still warm. I prefer to just tear off a chunk and eat it plain if I can get it warm.
3. Fancy chocolates. I love chocolate of all kinds, but the little fancy ones are just so much fun.
4. Friendly people. I like to talk to people and hear their life stories. To me there's nothing better than meeting a really friendly stranger who'll sit down and tell you their life story. I've met some of the most interesting people that way. Then again, I've also met some real quacks.
5. Frozen yogurt. It's like icecream, but without the guilt.
6. Family. I love spending time with my family, they're very important to me. And once you're a part of my family there's no getting rid of me.
7. Facials. I've never gone to a spa and gotten a facial, but their the embodiment of girlie fun to me. My sister and I used to get all the home products and give each-other facials. They were also a common activity at sleep-overs in my teens. A night that included facials was always a fun night.
8. Fuzzy slippers. I collect them. Right now I'm wearing some that my doctor says look like tribbles. I absolutely adore big, fuzzy, strange slippers.
9. Funny movies. I love watching comedies, to the point that they're almost the only kind of movie that I watch. I love to laugh and comedies can make that happen. There's enough pain and sadness in the world, I don't need a movie to add to that. I want a movie to make me laugh.
10. Flying. I like to watch planes take off and land. I love to watch the clouds from above, so that they look like a soft carpet that would make a great place for a nap. I also like the excitement that comes with flying. Going new places and seeing new things, or visiting loved ones, or whatever, it's always exciting to fly somewhere.
Okay, that was harder than I thought it would be. The letter F? Really? Do you know how badly my mind blanked out on that one? Oh well. If you want to play, leave a comment and I'll assign you a letter.
Here's the scoop. If you like the meme, and want to play, leave me a comment. I will assign you a letter of the alphabet, and then you will, at your own free will, list ten things you like that begin with that letter.
I, somehow, got the letter F.
So, in no particular order, 10 things I like that begin with the letter F.
1. Free stuff. Seriously, who doesn't like free stuff?
2. French bread, especially when it's still warm. I prefer to just tear off a chunk and eat it plain if I can get it warm.
3. Fancy chocolates. I love chocolate of all kinds, but the little fancy ones are just so much fun.
4. Friendly people. I like to talk to people and hear their life stories. To me there's nothing better than meeting a really friendly stranger who'll sit down and tell you their life story. I've met some of the most interesting people that way. Then again, I've also met some real quacks.
5. Frozen yogurt. It's like icecream, but without the guilt.
6. Family. I love spending time with my family, they're very important to me. And once you're a part of my family there's no getting rid of me.
7. Facials. I've never gone to a spa and gotten a facial, but their the embodiment of girlie fun to me. My sister and I used to get all the home products and give each-other facials. They were also a common activity at sleep-overs in my teens. A night that included facials was always a fun night.
8. Fuzzy slippers. I collect them. Right now I'm wearing some that my doctor says look like tribbles. I absolutely adore big, fuzzy, strange slippers.
9. Funny movies. I love watching comedies, to the point that they're almost the only kind of movie that I watch. I love to laugh and comedies can make that happen. There's enough pain and sadness in the world, I don't need a movie to add to that. I want a movie to make me laugh.
10. Flying. I like to watch planes take off and land. I love to watch the clouds from above, so that they look like a soft carpet that would make a great place for a nap. I also like the excitement that comes with flying. Going new places and seeing new things, or visiting loved ones, or whatever, it's always exciting to fly somewhere.
Okay, that was harder than I thought it would be. The letter F? Really? Do you know how badly my mind blanked out on that one? Oh well. If you want to play, leave a comment and I'll assign you a letter.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Interview
Here's the directions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the
questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview
someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask
them five questions.
1. You have taken on the brave, brave job of being a tax professional. What is the one piece of advice you offer to each and every one of your clients?
Because financial situations vary so much there isn't really one piece of advice that everyone needs. Although, if I had to pick one thing to tell everyone, it would either be "Don't be scared of the IRS." or "Save money for retirement."
2. Tell us a funny story about Donny, the funniest you can remember that makes you laugh every time you think about it.
This one was harder than I would have thought. Apparently I'm not good at coming up with stories on the spot. But there is one that I loved to give Donny a hard time about.
At one point in time Donny and I owned an old, beat-up work truck. The kind of truck where you're not surprised to see that the steering wheel is held together by duct tape. The kind of truck that you would have no problems taking it anywhere, because by the looks of it you can tell it's been to worse places than where you're headed. The kind of truck that you'll use for any job, because there's no way that you could be doing any worse to the truck than what's been done to it before. And her name was Betsy.
Donny was proud of Betsy, and wanted to be sure that we took good care of her. One of the things that he was fanatical about was checking her oil. Since before we owned her she had been leaking oil, so Donny made sure to check the level often. Donny and his best friend Robbie would go out and warm Betsy up, and then lovingly check her fluids. It was a holy rite of bonding to them. The problem was that I was actually trained by mechanics in how to properly maintain a vehicle, and I knew that the oil should never be checked warm. The engine needs to be either hot or cold, but not warm. If the engines warm you'll get a low reading. So the men would warm Betsy up, get a false low reading on her oil, and then add oil. I tried to tell them that they were doing it wrong, but what does a girl know?
There came the day that I realized that Betsy needed an oil change. I waited until I knew that Donny wouldn't feel like doing it, and then I mentioned it and offered to take betsy to the mechanic. Because of my superb timing, Donny allowed me to have the mechanic work on Betsy. When I went back to pick her up I had Donny with me. The mechanic came over and mentioned that they had added 6 quarts of oil and it still wasn't registering on the dipstick, so we may need a new dipstick. Donny never should have let me hear that.
It wasn't much after the oil change that the guys decide to go out and check my oil, since it's got that leak. I mentioned the problem with the dipstick and nicely suggested that maybe Betsy didn't really need any oil. They very nicely suggested that I didn't know what I was talking about and should let them get back to their "man work." A few weeks of the same scene being repeated and I was fed up. I finally told Donny that the only thing wrong with my truck was that he kept putting too much oil in her. I also let him know that the oil on the ground was not from a leak, but from Betsy trying valiantly to get ris of the excess oil that he kept giving her. Because of the tone that i took, Donny got rather upset with me. He saidthat he'd quit putting oil in Betsy, but that when I killed her in a couple of weeks trying to drive her with no oil that he had no way to fix or replace her, and it would be my problem. About 2 years later we traded Betsy in on the car that I have now, and I was still teasing Donny about the oil.
3. If you could live anywhere in the world, no financial limitations, where would you choose?
I thought about Arkansas, since my sister and her kids llive there. And I thought about Washington, since Donny's kids and grandkids live there. But I like where I am. And then it dawned on me, no financial limitations. So, I would buy lots of property here and build homes for all my loved ones.
4. Barbie or Skipper, and, why?
I was never into either one. By the time I was old enough to enjoy Barbies my sister had decided that she was too old for them, so naturally I decided that I was too old for them. I can remember my best friend wanting to play Barbie and getting frustrated because I thought that was for babies.
5. Did you have an imaginary friend as a child? If so, who was it? If not, what was your favorite plaything?
I never really had an imaginary friend, but I had an imaginary world. When we were little my dad used to tell my sister and I that "Only boring people get bored." I took that to heart and became one of the easiest kids to entertain of all time. I didn't need toys and playthings, I had my head. (Don't get me wrong, I still liked toys, I just didn't need them to entertain myself.)
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the
questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview
someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask
them five questions.
1. You have taken on the brave, brave job of being a tax professional. What is the one piece of advice you offer to each and every one of your clients?
Because financial situations vary so much there isn't really one piece of advice that everyone needs. Although, if I had to pick one thing to tell everyone, it would either be "Don't be scared of the IRS." or "Save money for retirement."
2. Tell us a funny story about Donny, the funniest you can remember that makes you laugh every time you think about it.
This one was harder than I would have thought. Apparently I'm not good at coming up with stories on the spot. But there is one that I loved to give Donny a hard time about.
At one point in time Donny and I owned an old, beat-up work truck. The kind of truck where you're not surprised to see that the steering wheel is held together by duct tape. The kind of truck that you would have no problems taking it anywhere, because by the looks of it you can tell it's been to worse places than where you're headed. The kind of truck that you'll use for any job, because there's no way that you could be doing any worse to the truck than what's been done to it before. And her name was Betsy.
Donny was proud of Betsy, and wanted to be sure that we took good care of her. One of the things that he was fanatical about was checking her oil. Since before we owned her she had been leaking oil, so Donny made sure to check the level often. Donny and his best friend Robbie would go out and warm Betsy up, and then lovingly check her fluids. It was a holy rite of bonding to them. The problem was that I was actually trained by mechanics in how to properly maintain a vehicle, and I knew that the oil should never be checked warm. The engine needs to be either hot or cold, but not warm. If the engines warm you'll get a low reading. So the men would warm Betsy up, get a false low reading on her oil, and then add oil. I tried to tell them that they were doing it wrong, but what does a girl know?
There came the day that I realized that Betsy needed an oil change. I waited until I knew that Donny wouldn't feel like doing it, and then I mentioned it and offered to take betsy to the mechanic. Because of my superb timing, Donny allowed me to have the mechanic work on Betsy. When I went back to pick her up I had Donny with me. The mechanic came over and mentioned that they had added 6 quarts of oil and it still wasn't registering on the dipstick, so we may need a new dipstick. Donny never should have let me hear that.
It wasn't much after the oil change that the guys decide to go out and check my oil, since it's got that leak. I mentioned the problem with the dipstick and nicely suggested that maybe Betsy didn't really need any oil. They very nicely suggested that I didn't know what I was talking about and should let them get back to their "man work." A few weeks of the same scene being repeated and I was fed up. I finally told Donny that the only thing wrong with my truck was that he kept putting too much oil in her. I also let him know that the oil on the ground was not from a leak, but from Betsy trying valiantly to get ris of the excess oil that he kept giving her. Because of the tone that i took, Donny got rather upset with me. He saidthat he'd quit putting oil in Betsy, but that when I killed her in a couple of weeks trying to drive her with no oil that he had no way to fix or replace her, and it would be my problem. About 2 years later we traded Betsy in on the car that I have now, and I was still teasing Donny about the oil.
3. If you could live anywhere in the world, no financial limitations, where would you choose?
I thought about Arkansas, since my sister and her kids llive there. And I thought about Washington, since Donny's kids and grandkids live there. But I like where I am. And then it dawned on me, no financial limitations. So, I would buy lots of property here and build homes for all my loved ones.
4. Barbie or Skipper, and, why?
I was never into either one. By the time I was old enough to enjoy Barbies my sister had decided that she was too old for them, so naturally I decided that I was too old for them. I can remember my best friend wanting to play Barbie and getting frustrated because I thought that was for babies.
5. Did you have an imaginary friend as a child? If so, who was it? If not, what was your favorite plaything?
I never really had an imaginary friend, but I had an imaginary world. When we were little my dad used to tell my sister and I that "Only boring people get bored." I took that to heart and became one of the easiest kids to entertain of all time. I didn't need toys and playthings, I had my head. (Don't get me wrong, I still liked toys, I just didn't need them to entertain myself.)
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Stop this world, I want off.
It's amazing how life goes on, no matter what. I miss Donny more than I ever thought that I would. I ache for one more hug, one more kiss. I long to tell him, just one more time, how much I love him, and hear him say the same to me. I wish that I could come home and discuss how work went that day, or vent about my frustrations. And yet I can't bring myself to wish that he'd come back. He was suffering so much at the end there that I can't bring myself to wish for his return. As much as I miss him, I'm happy that he's well again.
I got a letter from social security saying that they had accidentally paid Donny's disability benefits this month, and would I please return the money? Since I know that he's not entitled to any benefits now I have no problem with that concept. However, since they never sent any money, I do have a problem with "returning" it. While I was at the social security office, waiting to straighten out this mess, I ran into an old boss of mine. We got to talking, and I found out that the same day that Donny died his wife went into a coma. I don't really understand what happened,, but I guess it doesn't look good. She got a blood clot in her leg that traveled to her lungs and then her heart. Her name is Suzanne, and I'd appreciate it if people would be praying for her and the family. She has 2 kids who are probably 10 or 11 and 13 or 14.
I'm back to work, and loving it. I manage to stay busy most of the time now, which is nice. I've already had 3 different people come to me to get a jump start on their taxes. I'm hoping to stay very busy for a while now. I need the distraction. It amazes me to what extent I don't know what to do with myself. I've been taking care of Donny for so long now that it seems wrong to be able to make last minute plans. And when I'm home I'm at a loss about what to do. I end up wandering through the house and getting nothing accomplished. What am I supposed to do with the time that I used to spend with Donny?
Well, it's late, and I have to work tomorrow, so I should probably head to bed. Besides, I think I'm almost exhausted enough to actually go to sleep.
I got a letter from social security saying that they had accidentally paid Donny's disability benefits this month, and would I please return the money? Since I know that he's not entitled to any benefits now I have no problem with that concept. However, since they never sent any money, I do have a problem with "returning" it. While I was at the social security office, waiting to straighten out this mess, I ran into an old boss of mine. We got to talking, and I found out that the same day that Donny died his wife went into a coma. I don't really understand what happened,, but I guess it doesn't look good. She got a blood clot in her leg that traveled to her lungs and then her heart. Her name is Suzanne, and I'd appreciate it if people would be praying for her and the family. She has 2 kids who are probably 10 or 11 and 13 or 14.
I'm back to work, and loving it. I manage to stay busy most of the time now, which is nice. I've already had 3 different people come to me to get a jump start on their taxes. I'm hoping to stay very busy for a while now. I need the distraction. It amazes me to what extent I don't know what to do with myself. I've been taking care of Donny for so long now that it seems wrong to be able to make last minute plans. And when I'm home I'm at a loss about what to do. I end up wandering through the house and getting nothing accomplished. What am I supposed to do with the time that I used to spend with Donny?
Well, it's late, and I have to work tomorrow, so I should probably head to bed. Besides, I think I'm almost exhausted enough to actually go to sleep.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Life
It's amazing how the world goes on. Friday and Saturday I stayed home and spent time with my family. On Friday I went to the grocery store. It went okay until I went to get the chocolate cake that I was asked to bring home. There was double fudge cake or german chocolate and I was having a hard time deciding which kind to get. I thought that I should call Donny and see which sounded better to him and it hit all over again. I had to walk away and compose myself so I could go back and just grab one.
This morning I went to church. It was good for me. After church a couple that I'm friends with came over and helped me set up the christmas tree. We hadn't planned on decorating for Christmas, but with the grandkids coming I needed to. The girls want to celebrate Christmas with me this year, so I needed to at least make some effort to be ready. This evening I went to Bible study at a friend's house. I went early and had dinner with her, it was nice and relaxing.
Tomorrow I'm headed to my mother-in-law's for a visit and to drop off a cd of pictures. My niece has volunteered to do a collage of pictures on a poster board for Donny's memorial service. At 2:00 I'm meeting with my pastor to plan Donny's service. I'm hoping to also get a few things done around the house. There are still presents that need wrapped. My aunt and uncle let their dog sleep with them on my parent's bed so it needs stripped and everything washed, since my mom's allergic to dogs.
Staying busy should help. I'm trying hard not to let my mind get too active. I keep being plagued with questions. My biggest question is whether or not it would have made any difference if I had gotten Donny to the hospital. I knew he was sick. As I went in to our room on Thursday morning I was think about how if he slept like he had the day before then I would need to take him in. I feel so guilty for not taking him to the hospital. Because there was no autopsy I'll probably never have my answer. I just hope that I can learn to live with the wondering.
This morning I went to church. It was good for me. After church a couple that I'm friends with came over and helped me set up the christmas tree. We hadn't planned on decorating for Christmas, but with the grandkids coming I needed to. The girls want to celebrate Christmas with me this year, so I needed to at least make some effort to be ready. This evening I went to Bible study at a friend's house. I went early and had dinner with her, it was nice and relaxing.
Tomorrow I'm headed to my mother-in-law's for a visit and to drop off a cd of pictures. My niece has volunteered to do a collage of pictures on a poster board for Donny's memorial service. At 2:00 I'm meeting with my pastor to plan Donny's service. I'm hoping to also get a few things done around the house. There are still presents that need wrapped. My aunt and uncle let their dog sleep with them on my parent's bed so it needs stripped and everything washed, since my mom's allergic to dogs.
Staying busy should help. I'm trying hard not to let my mind get too active. I keep being plagued with questions. My biggest question is whether or not it would have made any difference if I had gotten Donny to the hospital. I knew he was sick. As I went in to our room on Thursday morning I was think about how if he slept like he had the day before then I would need to take him in. I feel so guilty for not taking him to the hospital. Because there was no autopsy I'll probably never have my answer. I just hope that I can learn to live with the wondering.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
December 18, 2008
I will remember today for the rest of my life. I will remember it for the horror and for the sadness. I will also remember it for the overwhelming kindness and love shown to me today. Today I discovered my village.
A little before 8:00 this morning I went into my bedroom to put together Donny's medicine for the day. As I was walking in there I was thinking about how if Donny spent today sleeping like he did yesterday that I would need to take him to the hosputal. As I was passing the foot of the bed I laid a hand on his leg and realized that it was cold. I had the thought that I needed to cover him up, and the I stopped to look at his chest. It's actually been a habit lately to watch Donny in his sleep until I see something move, just to be sure. The problem was that I couldn't see any movement. As I laid my hand in a couple other places I realized that he was unnaturally cold. I felt for a pulse, and then went to get my uncle. My uncle was in there for less than 30 seconds when he came out and called 911. Donny was gone.
I called my sister by other parents and she got there the same time as the cops. She held my hand as the police officer asked me questions about Donny. She took the phone away from me and called family. She asked our pastor to come. She kept all the phones and fielded all the calls. As she did this my uncle dealt with the paramedics, police and the guys from the mortuary. I still don't know who called the mortuary for me. Michelle took me to the bank to get Donny's ATM card deactivated. She took me to the mortuary to finalize details. She took me home with her to avoid people I didn't want to see. Three times today she set food in front of me and made me eat it. She got me through the day.
The list of people who called asking to be allowed to do something for me is so long that I'm afraid I can't remember it all. Several people from the church called. Lots of family called. My manager from H&R Block called. One of the girls from my office. One of our local police officers stopped by while I was gone and left his business card. He used to come sit and visit with Donny, so I'm sure it was just a condolance call. Our doctor called and said that if there's anything that he can do to let him know. The number of people who have specifically said that they don't mind if I call in the middle of the night is amazing. I'm overwhelmed at the love and support that came today.
I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I should feel. One minute I'm marveling at the number of people who love us, and the next I'm crying about the idea of trying to go on. Mostly I feel numb. I worry that I'll keep feeling numb. It's a pettern for me. I worry that I'll quit being numb. I'm scared to feel the loss. I'm not ready for it. We knew this was coming, I tried to get ready, but how do you prepare for the death of the love of your life? I don't know . I don't know anything anymore.
A little before 8:00 this morning I went into my bedroom to put together Donny's medicine for the day. As I was walking in there I was thinking about how if Donny spent today sleeping like he did yesterday that I would need to take him to the hosputal. As I was passing the foot of the bed I laid a hand on his leg and realized that it was cold. I had the thought that I needed to cover him up, and the I stopped to look at his chest. It's actually been a habit lately to watch Donny in his sleep until I see something move, just to be sure. The problem was that I couldn't see any movement. As I laid my hand in a couple other places I realized that he was unnaturally cold. I felt for a pulse, and then went to get my uncle. My uncle was in there for less than 30 seconds when he came out and called 911. Donny was gone.
I called my sister by other parents and she got there the same time as the cops. She held my hand as the police officer asked me questions about Donny. She took the phone away from me and called family. She asked our pastor to come. She kept all the phones and fielded all the calls. As she did this my uncle dealt with the paramedics, police and the guys from the mortuary. I still don't know who called the mortuary for me. Michelle took me to the bank to get Donny's ATM card deactivated. She took me to the mortuary to finalize details. She took me home with her to avoid people I didn't want to see. Three times today she set food in front of me and made me eat it. She got me through the day.
The list of people who called asking to be allowed to do something for me is so long that I'm afraid I can't remember it all. Several people from the church called. Lots of family called. My manager from H&R Block called. One of the girls from my office. One of our local police officers stopped by while I was gone and left his business card. He used to come sit and visit with Donny, so I'm sure it was just a condolance call. Our doctor called and said that if there's anything that he can do to let him know. The number of people who have specifically said that they don't mind if I call in the middle of the night is amazing. I'm overwhelmed at the love and support that came today.
I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I should feel. One minute I'm marveling at the number of people who love us, and the next I'm crying about the idea of trying to go on. Mostly I feel numb. I worry that I'll keep feeling numb. It's a pettern for me. I worry that I'll quit being numb. I'm scared to feel the loss. I'm not ready for it. We knew this was coming, I tried to get ready, but how do you prepare for the death of the love of your life? I don't know . I don't know anything anymore.
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